Friday, March 18, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

First-Person Super Mario Bros. Is The Best Animated Film Of 2011

Posted: 18 Mar 2011 09:05 AM PDT

The Internet is so much better at animating things than I am at anything. It’s not even close. If the thing I’m best at is, like, running, which it’s not, I’d be like, 8 good at it, but the internet’s goodness at animating random joke things would be like 500, possibly 550.

Here’s Super Mario Bros. reinterpreted as a first-person shooter. It is amazing. Refer to paragraph one if this description isn’t roundabout enough:

(via The High Definite)

How Much Is A My Little Pony Worth To You?

Posted: 17 Mar 2011 02:32 PM PDT

I would gladly pay $1 million for a Real Life My Little Pony.

Did I say $1 million? I meant $∞ million. Because no price is too high for the opportunity to touch my forehead against a baby miniature horse forehead. (Which might be the only thing smaller than my former favorite small thing, bird faces. Their faces, not feces, which are also incidentally fairly small.)

I can see it now: Waking up in my canopy bed, spooning my ∞ million dollar horse. I lazily get out of bed and head to the kitchen. “Do you want coffee” I say as I kiss its little horse bangs good morning. I pour some coffee and grab the milk while my priceless horse entity sits at the table with a book.

And 9 months later, I give birth to a human baby body with a miniature horse head and, finally, everything makes sense.

I mean, how can the following image not bring people of all backgrounds, races and religions together??



There simultaneously is no God/is an amazing awesomely genius God.

(via The Neigh-ily Neigh-il)

BOSTON MOVIE: All Your Favorite Boston Films In One Wicked Chowdah

Posted: 17 Mar 2011 11:06 PM PDT

Do you love movies where everyone’s talking in Boston accents and constantly hanging out in or around prominent Boston landmarks? Are you also literally Ben Affleck? If you said yes to either, especially the second one, you’ll most certainly enjoy this trailer for Boston Movie: ONE BOSTON MOVIE TO RULE THEM ALL. Although let’s not forget, in The Town, they literally burgle Fenway Park, so the people who made this had some work to do to actually exaggerate movie Bostonness.

Contains Boston movie spoilers, Boston NSFW language, and Boston Adult Situations:

I can’t believe the “Like a f*ckin’ pot roast…” guy from Gone Baby Gone didn’t end up in here. Guess I’ll just have to see it in the theaters.

The 30 Most Terrifying Stills Of Casey Abrams

Posted: 17 Mar 2011 01:40 PM PDT

American Idol‘s strong start is slowly withering and dying into a fairly boring season. Last night was no exception. The contestants had to sing songs from their birth year, which we think is an attempt to make everyone over the age of 25 feel old as sh*t. My former favorite, Naima Adedapo, has been busy flushing her chances down those once clean toilets; Paul McDonald continues to have a deadly neurologically disorder; Karen Rodriguez is still soooo Spanish you guyzzah; and Jacob Lusk — who we assumed had this competition locked up — has turned into a comically terrible performer. (And yes, I did take it personally last night when he butchered Heart’s “Alone.” I never thought I’d actually long for the days of Carrie
Underwood. Zulkey at AV Club put it best: “His Lusky stank was stanky as hell tonight.”)

But out of all the blah and meh and oh no performances last night, one of them really stood out. Casey Abrams. Sang. Nirvana. “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” Meaning that when I was 10 years old, Casey Abrams’ little red afro was springing forth from betwixt his mother’s loins. The performance was horrendoussssssssssssssssss.

But worse than how Casey sounded (which was bad) were the faces he made throughout. I accidentally paused my TV during his song and the image I caught was on the same level as “life scarring” as all of Killer Clowns From Outer Space. And so we made his faces into a list.

Here are the 30 Most Terrifying Stills of Casey Abrams aka HAPPY ST, PADDY’S DAY!

30.

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1.

For more American Idol recappiness, check out the AV Club and B-Side Blog.

Let’s All Look At Baby Giant Otters For A Minute

Posted: 17 Mar 2011 03:14 PM PDT

To begin with, giant otters are a real thing. It seems like they aren’t, but they are. They grow to six feet long and 75 pounds. Maybe we’ve all seen one before and thought it was a manatee? Who knows? We’re certainly not going to Google it.

Apparently, it is very hard to make these not-manatees breed in captivity, so these two born at the Zoo Miami represent only the second time a giant otter has ever gotten pregnant and successfully given birth in a US zoo. “Zoo Miami: Where Cute Things Finally F*ck.”

I call the hot one!





Be careful. Just hold him like you would a giant tube of toothpaste.





She’s gonna love that dandruff right off him.




And here’s what it would look like if somebody had a baby giant otter for a tongue and and made a crass gesture.

Thanks to Ron Magill, Zoo Miami, and Splash.

Baby Saying F*ck It: The Most Safe For Work Not-Safe-For-Work Video Ever Recorded

Posted: 17 Mar 2011 12:08 PM PDT

By the traditional definition of NSFW, this video would have to qualify as being Not Safe For Work. But, like… just go ahead and watch this at work with volume up. Like the baby says, f*ck it, man. Nothing bad is going to happen to you — not on this baby’s watch.

This kid zoomed right past Que Sera Sera. She’s very advanced at being chill.

Thanks, Videogum.

TOP CHEF ALL-STARS RECAP: I Got An Island Fever And The Only Prescription Is More Conch

Posted: 17 Mar 2011 03:42 PM PDT

It’s the Top Chef All-Stars Finale, “Island Fever”! Not the FINALE finale, but, you know, the second part of four straight episodes in the Bahamas to slowly determine that Richard is the best chef on the show. By the time two more chefs are eliminated from this show, 60 teams will have been eliminated from the March Madness tournament. And BOTH of the people sitting next to you will have passed along an STD. GET THE FACTS. TopChefAndSexFax.org.

This week’s esteemed Bahamas guest judge:

Nah kidding, the guest judge is not actually a shark named Shark Wahlberg, it is this lady:

It’s Lorena Garcia, co-host of the NBC show America’s Next Great Restaurant. NBC is owned by Universal, which also owns Bravo, which was in Broken Arrow with Christian Slater, who was in Murder in the First with Kevin Bacon. BOOM! Connected. Give me a harder one. This roller coaster line is moving really slowly.

While Universal is doing its promo synergy Web 2.0 Foodstones Meet The Jetsons crossover episode, the chefs resume bitching at one another in the Quickfire Challenge:

Padma explains that consistency is important for any chef, so the chefs will have to prepare 100 identical plates of a dish, and the judges will randomly pick numbered plates and judge them for consistency. Were this a short story, I might point out that having the chefs produce 100 identical dishes is a microcosm of Top Chef tediously producing four straight Bahamas finale episodes, but I also wouldn’t have read the story so I’d have to BS my way through Top Chef class.

The chefs divide into pairs; Antonia & Tiffany construct a Beef Tenderloin with Creamy Lentils, Celery, and Almond, while Mike impressively makes macaroni from scratch for his and Richard’s Pork Bolognese. The chefs churn out plates like Top Plate Churner Outer All-Stars:

Antonia isn’t impressed by Mike & Richard’s dish, saying that her team’s plating was way more complicated while Mike just dumped pasta on a plate. Mike counterbitches that he could’ve made Antonia’s dish himself while Richard went out to buy a six pack to celebrate the win (then frozen that six pack to present a complex duo of “High Life Two Ways”).

Padma and Lorena then choose random numbers of dishes to test:

Lorena announces, “As a chef and a restaurateur, I will have to base my decision on the consistency and the flavor.” Man, is she hosting America’s Next Great Shoehorn Credentials Into Mundane Sentence? Everyone ever judges food based on the flavor. Hummingbirds drinking nectar do that, and they are neither chefs nor restaurateurs. Well, some of them probably are. They have little teeny hummingbird chef hats. We can Wikipedia this for hours later but let’s first finish the recap.

Antonia and Tiffany win the Quickfire and take the $5,000 prize, though it’s not clear whether they each win $5,000 or if they have to split it. Either way, Mike’s like “Chubbyshrug”:

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs will travel to an actual deserted island to prepare a classic deserted island dish, which is, I guess, anything to survive? We finally get to see the Padma Bikini Scene that’s been in the teasers the last seven weeks, and it turns out, she literally just describes the challenge in a bikini then leaves. The chefs are left in the watchful custody of this guy:

The most abundant ingredient on the desert island is conch, and the chefs will have to put on snorkeling equipment and catch the conchs themselves, just like real stranded desert islanders. Also there’s a load of fresh produce and seafood on the island and cooking tools and woodfire grills, just unlike real stranded desert islanders. And even the conchs appear to be perfectly prearranged, like coins in a Mario 64 underwater level:

The chefs pretend to have trouble grabbing the conchs, which are like 5 feet underwater, then proceed to have more trouble hammering the conchs open and cooking them evenly on the outdoor grill. Richard compares storming the beach to grab ingredients to “storming the beaches at Normandy,” which you’re probably expecting me to make fun of but I won’t because it is 100% accurate to my understanding of history. And my grandpa f***ing PREPPED on those beaches.

As the chefs finish up, the judges begin to arrive, starting with The World’s Wealthiest-Sounding Title-Haver:

…his friend:

…and some experts on desert island cuisine:

The chefs take turns presenting their finished dishes to the judges, who are all creepily dressed in white and sitting at a big long table. The scene looks, in the words of a college freshman who’s just Limewired some Cure songs, “Just Like Heaven”:

Tropical island that represents Heaven, huh? Can’t think of a joke for this one.

The chefs’ dishes go over extremely well — Richard’s Sweet Potato Linguine with Conch and Spiny Lobster fools Tom into thinking it’s actually pasta when it’s really just strands of sweet potato (he should’ve put “Linguine” in quotes like whimsical chefs do when they’re bein’ all whimsical), Mike’s Banana Wrapped Gouper with Braised Pineapple and Warm Conch Vinaigrette impresses the table with its complexity and confusing flavor combinations, and Antonia’s Red Snapper with Tartar of Conch and Lobster Nage is about to be criticized by Gail for being too spicy but all the Bahamas people love it and say how authentically Bahama-ey it is, and Gail lightens up. Tiffany’s Conch and Coconut Chowder with Sweet Potatoes and Conch Ceviche was a little cold and a little too sweet, and seems to be the only legitimately criticized dish in the bunch (and even then, barely).

Is Tiffany’s coasting-time finally up? We head to the set of Elton John’s AIDA to find out:

At Judge’s Table, the judges continue to compliment the dishes but pull out some nit-picky elements, calling Antonia’s dish a little too simple and mentioning that some of Richard’s lobster was undercooked. The Elimination Challenge win, for the second straight week, goes to Mike Isabella. He celebrates appropriately by cheersing no one:

Richard takes his compliments in stride, and sticks out his tongue to create his own iconic Richard Blais dormroom poster:

Tom enters super-nitpicky mode to pretend like all three of the non-winning chefs might get voted off. It’s extra funny because they’re dressed like Greek Gods, as though this is like, Season 6 of a sitcom like Married With Children and it’s a dream sequence episode where all the characters play the parts in some story:

In the end, Richard’s sweet potatoes were too impressive and Antonia’s simplicity was defensible, and Tiffany is sent home:

Tiffany was excellent in her D.C. season, and I predicted her to win that season from about Week 3 until her surprising elimination, but she just never brought it in All-Stars, and as one dude once said, “your A-Game is a thing you need or something”; she’s very likable and was never really bad this season, she just never did anything impressive to merit staying on the show longer than Dale or Angelo (or really, Jennifer).

So, still got two more episodes left, and we’re down to Richard, Antonia and a suddenly-not-awful-at-cooking Mike. Next week’s challenge: The chefs cook a “Last Supper” for four esteemed chefs. Not sure what that means – they’re literally executing four famous chefs after next week’s episode? This season took a slightly dark twist.

Follow @DanHopp on Twitter

Follow @BWEtv on Twitter.

Baby Elephants In A Pool Remind Me: It’s Bikini Season

Posted: 17 Mar 2011 10:23 AM PDT

This title brought to you by a 1989 Cathy comic strip.

Honestly, there is nothing I can say to improve upon a video of two baby elephants in Texas finding nirvana in an inflatable pool It’s just impossible to do. The image of these little (1000 pound) guys sloshing around in a family sized pool with their trunks making fart noises against the vinyl siding is pure perfection. Sorry basset hounds running: Baby elephants in a bath is today’s obsesh.

Giant baby elephant eyes might be the most valuable commodity this world has.

(via Jezebel)

Please For The Love Of God Won’t You Let This Girl Hear You Say “Way-ho”

Posted: 17 Mar 2011 10:14 AM PDT

Let her hear you say “Wayo.” Just say it. What is your goddamn issue? If she’s going to take the time to ask you to say it for over three minutes, you could certainly put forth the minimal effort it would take to let her hear you say it. Girl got her Way-ho sweater on.

Sometimes when you watch a video, you think to yourself, “Wow, if I could somehow show this to somebody in the 15th century, they would be so, so confused about what life has become.” But then there are videos like this where we all might as well be that 15th century person. What the f*ck is this?

Thanks, Reddit.
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