Saturday, March 5, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

The Ultimate Charlie Sheen GIF Wall

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 03:26 PM PST

The man. The legend. Charlie Sheen. He has revolutionized the way we view the mentally ill. Insane? Certainly. A sex addict? Why not. And yet, we’re following him in Twitter in droves, purchasing #tigerblood by the quartful, and are basically an army of Sheenizens. So, we’re going to honor this man the only way we know how…

WITH AN ULTIMATE CHARLIE SHEEN GIF WALL.

Ahead, find GIFs of some of Charlie’s best moments. In wall form.

GIFs courtesy of Lauren Deiman.

Five Internet Trends That Need To Die Immediately

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 02:44 PM PST

As an a-hole who is professionally obligated to sit on the internet and look at internet things for a third of my life, I sometimes realize that my lack of patience for beaten-to-death memes doesn’t speak for the general living, breathing, and speaking to humans population. However, some internet trends are so annoyingly persistent and so exhaustively past their point of usefulness, that as an internet, we simply have to band together, rise up, and stop producing and deriving enjoyment from them. This is basically the Libya situation, people, only way more urgent and involving Photoshop templates.

Here’s a list of 5 Internet Trends That Need To Die Immediately:

5. Porn Parody Trailers

My colleague Mark Graham wrote about this phenomenon earlier this week in the wake of the new Justice League and Reservoir Dogs porn parodies being released, pointing out that pop cultural porn parodies are basically the only thing still keeping the industry afloat and thus won’t be going away anytime soon.

However, any time a new pop-culture-based porn parody comes out, the trailer gets posted on every remotely pop-culturey website, and everyone reacts with faux-disbelief and amusement, as though we’re continually Men In Black flashy-thingy shocked that someone has adapted an existing film or tv show into a campy porno movie. (The Men In Black flashy thing, I’m sure, has like 7 porn parodies of itself.)

People will exclaim, “Oh my God, can you believe they’re working on a COMMUNITY porn parody?” Yes! Of course I can believe that! It’s porn – there are more porn parodies of things in the world than there are things in the world. How is this still shocking to people, or even noteworthy?

Watch how easy this is:

The FULL HOUSE Porn Parody

Danny: I’m Porn Danny Tanner. Now I’m going to have a threesome with the Holeson Twins.

Jesse: Have mercy!

Boom – print it, cut it, make a trailer, throw the trailer online, have every website including ours write the post “HOW RUDE: The Full House Porn Parody You Will NOT BELIEVE.” Well, believe it. There’s literally 80 billion of them.

4. Auto-Tune

The incredibly skilled Autotune The News people carved out an impressive, indelible internet niche last year, peaking with the Bed Intruder Song last July. None of us, however, expected the random and somewhat baffling Oscars Auto-Tune segment, an uncomfortable moment of Hollywood trend-embracing that my friend Rich Juzwiak accurately summed up by tweeting “Yes! I’ve been trying to get my mom into Auto Tune for a while now.”

Auto-Tune remixes are still impressive when they’re done well, but they’re such an inevitable and obligatory second step to any viral internet clip, watching them now feels more like getting something necessary out of the way rather than witnessing genuinely inspired whimsy.

3. Charlie Sheen

On one hand, the Sheen phenomenon is a typical surging internet-wide trend that’s certain to die down in the coming weeks, and those are nothing new. But in another way, I feel like the Sheen phenomenon specifically stands out from your run-of-the-mill internet “Flavor of the Week” trends in the sense that it’s the first trend where as soon the initial event started happening, I (and the entire internet) was completely ready for like, Level 7 Charlie Sheen internet parodies. I wasn’t even genuinely experiencing or caring about the initial event, or at least, not caring about it as something other than fodder for instant regurgitation (in more ways than one).

I suppose other recent events like the Christian Bale rant and the Mel Gibson voicemails and the Tiger Woods inner-monologue commercial generated similar instant responses, but the Sheen outbreak has raised the instant-parody bar to another stratosphere. With Sheen, the internet has just been one big reproduction factory all week, shelling out Sheen Tumblrs, Sheen Quizzes, Sheen Family Circus and New Yorker cartoons, and Sheen video parodies (guilty as charged!)

I realize this is a vague, theoretical “trend” to round out a list of five, but I foresee all future Sheenlike “big thing on the internet” trends going through this same cycle just as rapidly and relentlessly, and it is gonna feel simultaneously necessary and predictable.

2. Specific Wacky Tumblrs

At least a dozen times per week, a friend of mine will Friendster-mail me a link to a Tumblr devoted to a really specific but oh so wacky premise, a trend which isn’t entirely new but which kicked into high gear with the max-random Selleck Waterfall Sandwich. Since then, the trend has repeated itself with various iterations of Tumblrs all desperate to be the most random, with the ultimate goal of have people laugh at their randomness briefly before never returning to or thinking of the site ever again.

Random absurdity is obviously a crucial vertebra in the internet’s twisted spinal column, but here’s the grand irony with Specific Wacky Tumblrs (F*ck Yeah flavor and otherwise): Because all of them strive to be so deliberately random and so selfconsciously wacky, they all end up being exactly the same thing. Does it really matter if I’m looking at Tom Selleck holding a sandwich or Randy Savage frozen in carbonite? It’s just ungrounded pop culture absurdity split into numerous, barely distinguishable forms; separating one from the other is academic.

This isn’t to say that Tumblrs don’t serve a function or aren’t amusing, but the unofficial competition for the zaniest Tumblr concept and the implication that this randomness in itself is inherently noteworthy has long run its course.

1. Hipster Anything

In the two weeks since my futile attempt to end all hipster lists, the internet has produced Hipster Rapunzel, Hipster Superheroines, and in an absolutely unforeseeable event, Hipster Charlie Sheen.

Online users are so desperate to rip on hipsters — or more accurately, so afraid that if they stop ripping on hipsters that such an act would constitute a horrific tacit endorsement of slightly large glasses — that everyone has managed to collectively ignore the fact that every hipster list is the same three jokes over and over again.

Not only is it the same three jokes, but it’s three jokes gleefully and triumphantly ripping on this small, vague, largely ignorable subset of the population who was satisfactorily parodied on the internet three years ago, interestingly enough using those same three jokes that repeat themselves ad nauseam in a near-daily super-viral post.

As I wrote before, there are essentially more half-assed, repetitive things online ripping on hipsters than there actually are hipsters in the world. Who still wakes up every morning SO ANGRY that there’s kind of these people out there who sometimes do these hipstery things? And worse, who still finds the same jokes about this abstract cross section of people funny and worthy of incessant repetition?

Hipster humor is an online trend that’s years past its expiration date, and yet continues to produce a viral, super-popular list on a weekly basis. These lists are like bedbugs, if bedbugs wore tiny ironic t-shirts (hipsters wear those! F*ck those assholes.)

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HOT FOR FALL: Eye-Makeup From Hell

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 02:17 PM PST

Presenting the latest look from the Paris Runway… Black Swan Meets a Thunderstorm:

You can thank Helena Bonham Carter’s favorite designer Vivienne Westwood for this look.

Another thing that’ll be huge in the fall? GIGANTIC F*CKING ASSES:

PHEW. The perfect gown to camo the j in my trunk. Here’s the rest of her collection. See if you can CTRL+ALT+DEL the Ghost shadows crawling out of your brain and make it through to the end…

J-Lo’s “On The Floor” The Perfect Song To Listen To In The Back Of A Tel-Aviv Cab

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 01:33 PM PST

A few weeks ago, a song came on the radio here in Los Angeles that sounded familiar and yet brand new. I listened to it in its entirety, and enjoyed every moment. That song was Jennifer Lopez’s “On The Floor,” her latest single which sounds not unlike (i.e. completely like) another current radio hit, Edward Maya’s “Stereo Love.” Forget Gaga and Madonna, these two songs are basically exactly the same. So much so that a mash-up of the two sounds makes it sound like these two scored 100 percent on their eHarmony exam.

I digress. Despite the similarities, I happen to like “On The Floor” better. Maybe because every time I hear it, I long to be drunk in the back of a Tel Aviv taxi cab (my most relaxed state). There’s something so freeing, so Greek, so “let’s just smash Mom’s fine china, she won’t care, it’s J-Lo!” about the song, that our inner “pull my b’s out of my shirt” comes out in full force every time I hear it.

And on last night’s American Idol, we were treated to the music video of J-Lo alongside a gentleman named Pitbull. And how old is the woman now? Like 50? She was at least 47 in the movie Enough. Point being: J-Lo looked flawwwlessss as ever. Almost as stunning as Brett Loewenstern. Check out this clip:

Clip courtesy of MTV.com

Now due to certain legal rights, we’re not able to post “On The Floor” in its entirety. Which is a shame, cause it’s a pretty fabulous slut anthem, specifically for Tonka truck enthusiasts. Still, we are not going to let a little thing like “getting sued for millions” stop us from bringing you a great tune. So ahead, check out the original song that “On The Floor” samples, from way back when in 1989, it’s Kaoma’s “Lambada.”

What do you guys think of the song and the video? Let us know in the comments!

Android Phones Ask The Question “Can You Fear Me Now?”

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 02:13 PM PST

Love cell phones but wish they were just a tad more “haunt you in your dreamsy”? Great news, torture enthusiasts, because thanks to the fine people of Japan, you can now make cell phone calls on what appears to be the ghost of miscarriage. Hooray! I wonder if that amputated nub has bluetooth…

So what’s the point of this robo-phone? According to the creators:

Like the full-sized Telenoid robot, the Elfoid handset is designed to add an element of realism to long-distance communication by recreating the physical presence of a remote user.

I guess it’s true. If I was speaking to an amputated gigantic single sperm with eyes, it would make the call much more realistic.

But just how does this ghost phone work??

Equipped with a camera and motion-capture system, the Elfoid phone will be able to watch the user’s face and transmit motion data to another Elfoid phone, which can then reproduce the face and head movements in real-time.

So what you’re saying is that now I’ll be able to tell when my friends are masturbating on the other end of the line? Um FINALLY.

These phones will be available for purchase wherever other psychotic inventions from Asia are sold.

(via pinktentacle. Hat tip to @mildlyamused)

Naked Therapist Offers Naked Therapy, Boner Forgiveness

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 11:12 AM PST

Sarah White, a 24-year-old ‘psychology buff,’ is currently offering naked therapy sessions for New Yorkers. While I enjoy a naked lady as much as the next character from Milk Money, I’m slightly skeptical — here’s Ms. White’s SEXplanation (typo):

“For men especially, who are less likely than women to go to therapy, it is more interesting, more enticing, more exciting,” said White. “It’s a more inspiring approach to therapy.”

Ehhh…I think a more accurate statement would be that same quote just ending at “exciting.” Naked people is just a more exciting thing than therapy. It’d be like someone showing NFL Games during therapy and being like “Men tend to enjoy this more than conventional therapy, so it’s a better form of therapy.”

She then gets nakeder (quotewise):


“Freud used free association,” she said. “I use nakedness.”

That’s not a comparison, that’s just a thing and then another thing. That’s like saying “George Washington Carver used peanuts. I use running. Diff’rent words.”

In general, while I don’t dispute White’s claim that men probably have trouble opening up in therapy sessions, this whole article really reminds me of my experiences at a nude beach in Hawaii this past summer. At this particular beach, naked people kept being super friendly and starting up conversations with me (I wasn’t naked, for the record), almost going out of their way to very deliberately re-affirm how not unusual it was that they were naked, and that made everything a whole lot weirder. I have no problem just being around naked people, especially when I know I’m going to a nude-optional beach, but at the same time, I wouldn’t be starting up conversations with strangers at any beach, clothed or otherwise, because people don’t do that. It’s weird. Naked people going out of their way to talk to strangers doesn’t break down some awkward uncomfortable barrier or anything, it actually just makes everything way more uncomfortable, because now you’re small-talking with a creepily, aggressively engaging stranger – it’d be just as weird if they were wearing clothes.

I guess my point is, if I went to one of these sessions, I wouldn’t be intimidated or weirded out or opened up by being near a naked person, but I’d just be too preoccupied by the person’s way-too-deliberate “I’M NAKED AND WHAT’S WRONG WITH THAT?” implication to concentrate on legitimate therapy.

Or, as this commenter on the NY Daily News website put it:

The Daily News also has a video of one of White’s therapy sessions, but she doesn’t get fully naked in the clip, I already watched it (meaning hit play, paused it, waited for the whole thing to load, then dragged the cursor to the end.)
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