Best Week Ever |
- Dinoshark Trailer: It Is Definitely Safe To Go Back In The Water
- Ozzie Guillen Explains The F***in’ Great Gatsby
- Chris Brown Apologizes…That His Album Cover Looks Like Fan Art
- Parrot Shags Man’s Head In Most English Viral Video Ever
- COME ON DOWN: An Insider’s Guide To Visiting The Price Is Right
- Liz Taylor Obituary Writer Died 6 Years Ago; Dana Carvey Sketch Comes True
- 79 Reasons Elizabeth Taylor Was The Fiercest Bitch On Earth
- MARCH SADNESS ROUND 3: The Sad Sixteen
- Your Standard Royal Wedding Sculpture Made Entirely Out Of Toothpicks
| Dinoshark Trailer: It Is Definitely Safe To Go Back In The Water Posted: 24 Mar 2011 08:54 AM PDT In case you missed this gem when it came out in 2010, here is the trailer for Dinoshark. Run, don’t walk, to your local DVD/Blu Ray store. Not to buy, but to destroy every copy of this film so our children and our children’s children will never lay their eyes on it. This has to be the phone-ing-iest in of all the phone-ing in phoney movie trailers about hybrid monster animals. You know what I mean? Where’s the voice over? Where’s the cool music? It sounds like they could only afford public domain music played at a really low level. Also, I have so many questions, for example, how did they operate the paper cut out that serves as the dinoshark? The only plus side is that Eric Balfour stars (O.C. 4 Life!). That being said, learn how to throw a grenade properly into a dinoshark’s mouth whilst jumping from your sea-doo, Balfour. C’mon.  |
| Ozzie Guillen Explains The F***in’ Great Gatsby Posted: 24 Mar 2011 07:44 AM PDT It’s rare that I can’t stop giggling at an internet video, not because I live a hollow joyless bloggerxistence (I do but that’s barely related), but because I always view finding internet videos as my job, and me laughing at them uncontrollably would literally be no different than a doctor laughing at a patient’s fatal X-Ray (If anything, it would be way worse). That said, I could not stop laughing at the following sketch, “He’s A Great Book! with Ozzie Guillen” – a thoughtful musing on the literary classic The Great Gatsby by everyone’s favorite bafflingly profane White Sox manager, Ozzie Guillen. You don’t have to know Ozzie Guillen, The Great Gatsby, or what words are to enjoy this:
He’s a Great Book! with Ozzie Guillen — The Great Gatsby from Dan Bulla on Vimeo. (via @freedarko)  |
| Chris Brown Apologizes…That His Album Cover Looks Like Fan Art Posted: 24 Mar 2011 07:34 AM PDT  Drawn By Chris Brown's Biggest Fan! That headline is a lie. No, though he should have apologized for the cover art for his new album, F.A.M.E. (see right), he instead apologized for his crazy violent outburst backstage at Good Morning America. He said this:
I hate this apology. This is the apology I want: “I’m sorry I was caught doing the thing that seems to be normal for me. Seriously, I’m one scary dude. But mostly I apologize for letting my biggest fan design and draw my album cover. I should have hired a professional artist, but at the time I thought that a fan would never try to take my music away from me. A legitimate cover artist might. I just could not take that chance. But now I realize that was a stupid thing to think and I deeply regret my actions and I apologize. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima cul-(SMASHES CHAIR INTO WINDOW)” The other album cover options that Chris Brown considered after the jump:
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| Parrot Shags Man’s Head In Most English Viral Video Ever Posted: 23 Mar 2011 02:47 PM PDT
And yet, we have a feeling a vast majority of Americans (and other foreigners – hello!) have never laid eyes on it. Which is a tragedy, as it’s easily the funniest thing to ever make its way to the internet. A large rare green parrot with the face of a human attempts to mate with the head of a photographer. Maybe one of the reasons this guy is nearly extinct is because he is attempting to mate with the head of a photographer. The sexual victim in this case walks away from the incident with a bloody neck and a lifetime of scarring. It should say something about myself that I wouldn’t kick that parrot outta bed. Watch and die laughing.  |
| COME ON DOWN: An Insider’s Guide To Visiting The Price Is Right Posted: 23 Mar 2011 02:50 PM PDT
My obsession with The Price Is Right is no secret here. Like many, I’ve watched it since I was little, and threw a fit when Bob Barker was swapped with Cleveland’s own Drew Carey. But time has passed, and let’s face it: Even if Hitler was hosting, I’d still want to try my luck at winning a PT For those of you who have never had the privilege of attending the show, I’ll try to boil the experience down to a few densely-worded paragraphs. We got to the studios at 6 AM to pick up our tickets, went home, put on matching jeweltoned tees, and thought we’d be supes-original by wearing Drew Carey-esque glasses. That is until we got back to the studio at 10, and were in a f*cking Being John Malkovich convention of bespectacled Midwesterners. Errrbody had the glasses on, and in addition, custom made t-shirts with silk-screened long microphones on them, or 30th Birthday Party messages, or hand-drawing of people bl*wing Drew in exchange for a Raymond Weil watch. There was a lot of thought put into their shirts. Our Old Navy tees were total bullshirt in comparison. Because we were on 4 hours sleep, we were acting like tewtal assh*les. There was a mini-CBS store on the premises, where we gleefully tried on each and every Survivor hat and Two And A Half Men bomber jacket while the cashier gave us an Oscar-worth side-eye. We also didn’t think it necessary to buy any food, as our bellies were full with the promise of prize-winning. This would prove to be a fatal mistake. Ahead, we meet Cydney, who is 99. And a video compilation of all the times we appeared on camera in the episode!! I am Manic 2 Tha Max.
Roughly 187 hours later, now starving, they lined us up 10 at a time for our interviews. The big interview. Word on the street had it that if you were an actor or performer of any kind, you were almost certainly nixed. So we had lies. Sara Jo would be an interior designer, and I would say I worked in retail. But a little thing you should know about me: I suck at lying on the spot. I panic. I’m horrendous. So when the bubbly producer stood in front of me and said “And what do you do?” I stretched both arms out in front of me, daintily placed my hands on some railing, and said “Aspiring talk show host!” I got the Guinness Record Holder for “World’s Tiniest Laugh” and was immediately dropped into a human trash compactor.
The long walk into the studio started. And I lost. My. Sh*t. Here I was. In The Price Is Right studio!!! I could not believe it. It looked exactly as you would expect, only smaller, and sans any ghost of Bob Barker. An audience warm-up guy came out (he was funny actually) and then Drew, who is one Atkins diet away of dying from starvashies. The guy is little! And talks a lot about smoking. He was very charming with the crowd. Lacking the debonair grace of Barker, but definitely smooth and funny and I kind of “get” it now. I could keep telling you about the show and whether or not I got called onto the stage. But why tell you when you can watch it. My episode aired this week, and our video editor Pete Schultz combined every moment I was on camera. Understand that I am on 2 hours sleep and 9 calories, and see if you can notice my enthusiasm draining out of my person as the episode carried on. Oh, see if you can spot the Celebrity Cameo! *It’s Cydney. As the show wore on, so did our patience. By the end, neither Sara Jo, her cousin or I could even muster the enthusiasm to get on our feet. We were Weekend At Bernies-ing our way through it. And afterwards, we did what any normal group of starving people do: We went to the Cheesecake Factory and ate like animals. My personal favorite moment from the episode, which was not captured here, was when the lovely Fred was called to the stage to play Cliffhangers. When asked the price of a wine opener, he guessed $70 (it only cost $19). And as the iconic mountain climber made his fateful way up the side of the mountain, I overheard a member of his family yell “He gonna fall of that bridge.” Spoiler alert: He did. Planning on going to The Price Is Right and want some expert (me) tips? Here are the ones I can offer you: 1. Bring food. Yes, I have lived the dream. And I don’t plan on reliving it any time for the rest of my life. Also a special hello to Liana Hoffman, who was in the audience that day and is also a blog reader. Bullsh*t that neither of us made it onto the stage. Have you ever gone to The Price Is Right? Tell us about your experience in the comments!
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| Liz Taylor Obituary Writer Died 6 Years Ago; Dana Carvey Sketch Comes True Posted: 23 Mar 2011 11:21 PM PDT Today, the New York Times published an obituary for Elizabeth Taylor that was penned by longtime theater critic Mel Gussow, who himself died six years ago. While it certainly should come as no surprise that publications plan for famous deaths in advance, I wouldn’t have expected something this far in advance, or for the publication to still run the thing instead of something written more recently than six years ago. Basically, the New York Times just pulled a real-life version of this classic sketch from The Dana Carvey Show, where Tom Brokaw pre-records every possible iteration of Gerald Ford’s eventual death. Spot-on satire, 15 years before it actually happened — how ironic…  |
| 79 Reasons Elizabeth Taylor Was The Fiercest Bitch On Earth Posted: 23 Mar 2011 11:26 AM PDT That echo you hear today is the emptiness of legend. After battling severe health issues for many years, Elizabeth Taylor died today at 79 years old from congestive heart failure. She was, and will always be, one of the last living Hollywood icons. A stunning icon on so many different levels — looks, generosity, drama — that no actress will ever reach the heights of fame and class that she herself saw. 8 marriages, 7 husbands, 4 children, over 50 films, 1 very special charity and friendships with every luminary to walk the planet. 79.
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| MARCH SADNESS ROUND 3: The Sad Sixteen Posted: 23 Mar 2011 11:19 AM PDT It’s Round 3 of March Sadness! We’re down to just 16 of the saddest movies ever, and the matchups are getting even more tragically difficult (click the bracket below to enlarge):
Round 2 saw the tearful defeat of another 16 truly tragic sad-tenders, including several animated tear-juggernauts (The Land Before Time, Dumbo, The Fox & The Hound, and WALL-E), some Round 1 dominators that came up short (Forrest Gump, Life Is Beautiful, The Killing Fields, and Steel Magnolias), and two films that the Sad Movies version of Dick Vitale pegged as Final Four contenders (Requiem For A Dream and Atonement). Schindler’s List and Brokeback Mountain each won their matchups handily by respective 77% and 76% margins, but the biggest runaway in Round 2 was My Girl’s absolute sademolition of The Reader by an 83.8% margin, the third biggest blowout of the tournament thusfar. The narrowest Round 2 victories belonged to Toy Story 3, Sophie’s Choice, and Beaches, each of which won their considerably tough matchups with just 53% of the vote. Voting for Round 3 commences after the jump — remember, the only criteria is “Which movie is sadder?”, not “which movie is better.” I’ll also again point out that we’re only voting on the specific movies, not the real-life tragedies within the movies (only inasmuch as it informs the film) — a vote against “Philadelphia” doesn’t mean you think AIDS isn’t sad (unless you do really think that, in which case, like, whatevs man!!!! That didn’t come out as harshly as I’d hoped.) The matchups are tougher than ever, so vote away and leave your arguments of sadness in the comments. VOTING FOR THE SAD SIXTEEN COMMENCES AFTER THE JUMP:
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| Your Standard Royal Wedding Sculpture Made Entirely Out Of Toothpicks Posted: 23 Mar 2011 10:00 AM PDT Move over, Prince William & Kate Middleton Royal Wedding Coin and Commemorative Plates — well, don’t “move over,” you’re inanimate objects that cannot move or understand commands, but, just, whatever, I need a lazy intro for this photo, so SUE ME with your ROYAL SUING POWERS. Here’s a new sculpture of the Royal Couple made entirely out of toothpicks:
Cool! It’s like LITE-BRITE, only it’s not instantly 60% broken! I’m no Professor of England History Things, but I’m beginning to think that this Royal Wedding only exists so artists and designers can make cool weird versions of the Royal Wedding Image then have everyone online link to them because we don’t know anything else to say about the Royal Wedding. All I know about that nation is that the President of England wears a white wig and holds a scepter that shoots lightning, and I’ve already covered that in like 400 other posts. (pic via Splash News)  |
To be fair: This clip from Stephen Fry’s BBC Show Last Chance To See went viral in the good ol’ UK nearly a year and a half ago. Much like the zombie virus in 28 Days Later.
Last month, a friend called me with an offer that would change my life, much like Cameron Diaz in The Box, a movie which I’ve never seen but which I imagine was about a phone call that changed lives (and a box). 
However I still kept up hope! The year was 2035, and finally the producers lined us up to enter the studio. We were cold, hungry, now robots and tired. But we weren’t giving up. As we shuffled in to the studio, I turned around to my now BFF Cydney and said “Look alive!” Look. Alive. Which is probably the worst thing you can say to a man who is 99 year old. And yet, I managed.
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