Cele|bitchy

Hot Guy Friday: Eat, Pray, Dong
Republican Mike Huckabee slams “unwed mother” Natalie Portman
Jessica Simpson is the “frontrunner” to be a judge on Simon Cowell’s new show
Lindsay Lohan, crackhead loser, couldn’t crack hustle her way into an Oscar party
Jennifer Lopez’s new music video “On The Floor”: cheesy, tacky or kinda cute?
Kate Middleton’s parents are profiting from their daughter’s royal wedding
Star: Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner are engaged
Gerard Butler dyes his hair in the hope that I will love him again
Abbie Cornish’s suspenders & tapered pants: unfortunate or cute?
Ashlee Simpson and Travis Barker are hooking up

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 08:38 AM PST

Javier Bardem (By CB) This hot new dad just looked amazing on the red carpet with his gorgeous lucky wife. When he spoke I wanted to bathe in his accent and get chafed all over by his scruff. He’s humble, he’s enough to hold on to, and he would make you forget your worries for a long, long time.

Homoerotic Fan-Fiction, Starring Javi & Daniel (by Kaiser):

Javi slowly sipped the last of Scotch, his eyes wandering over Daniel's tight, taut body. Javi's gaze stopped on Daniel's growing bulge, and he could feel his pulse race. He glanced up at Daniel's face, which had been studying him all this time.

"Do you see something you like?" Daniel growled. Javi shook his head, averting his gaze, his face flushed. In an instant, Daniel was against him, hip to hip, chest to chest, dong to dong.

"I don't know how…" Javi said softly, his voice breaking, his hands already finding their way to Daniel's waistband, his fingers fluttering across bare skin.

"I'll show you," Daniel says, pulling Javi's hand…

Boris Kodjoe (By CB) This gorgeous, underemployed 6′ 2″ 37 year-old actor is from Austria and speaks four languages. He was in last year’s NBC show Undercovers, but now that it’s been canceled I think we should set up a campaign to find him a new job.

Galen Gering (By CB) Here’s another soap hunk from Days of Our Lives and formerly Passions. He’s 40 and a married dad of two boys. Gering plays an evil and good twin created through plastic surgery on the show, but he’s a surprisingly good actor and you actually root for the good twin and think the bad twin is a jerk. Plus he takes his shirt off enough to keep it interesting.

Sam Jaeger (By CB) Jaeger plays hot stay-at-home dad Joel on NBC show Parenthood (I love that show, but it’s probably going to get canceled. Watch it while you can, Peter Krause also stars!) Jaeger is 33 and I think he’s married with at least one kid because there are photos of him with his lucky pregnant wife. There’s not a lot else I can find about him online. He starred in Catch & Release, with Jennifer Garner and Kevin Smith. On Parenthood he’s the super hot, loyal married good guy that you just want to nail to the wall. You know the type. They’re maddening but you don’t want to admit it or you would be a bad person.

Jeffrey Dean Morgan. I just figured, "why not?" since our Headliner Dong is Javier Bardem, JDM's twin (kind of). Personally, I find both Javi and JDM appealing in different ways. Javi gives me the European flavor, with a delicious homoerotic streak, all in a unusual package - Javi is a strange-looking man when you really think about. Now, JDM is more traditionally handsome, I think, plus I get the feeling that he's a kinky bastard. I keep seeing his baby-mama on White Collar too, and she's stopped annoying me so much. I wonder if they’re still together?

Paul Bettany. One lady in particular has been requesting him constantly ever since she saw The Tourist. I know the feeling - for all of the talk about Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie, it was Bettany who stole the entire movie. He was funny, dashing, charismatic, sexy and silly. That's how I imagine him in real life too - he's the kind of man who uses words like "inelegant" but he also happily talks about his kid's bowel movements. It's a great combo.

Tim Kang. A request, although I think I did Tim Kang, like, five weeks ago or something. It was very recent. Which makes me wonder? While some of you bitches take the time to comment "Who cares?" and "Where are the hot guys?" are you actually looking at the men we put up every week? Anyway, Tim Kang is on The Mentalist, and he's really, really cute.

FROM THE DESK OF CLIVE OWEN:

My darling biscuits! I've been writing to you throughout the week, just to prepare you for the adventure of being my darlings' Dong Dessert. Earlier, we discussed my porn 'stache, and how I was going to give you a free mustache ride. We also discussed Nicole Kidman's fabulous wig, in between my inappropriate sexts (did you remember the handcuffs?). Just in case you wanted to remember me in my normal, un-'stached look, I've selected some biscuit-warming photos for your dessert. You should eat something! You're much too thin.

Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame, PRPhotos, Clive Owen’s fansite, Vanity Fair, GQ, Details, Esquire, Entertainment Weekly, SoapHunks, Google Images.

Republican Mike Huckabee slams “unwed mother” Natalie Portman

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 08:37 AM PST

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee is going "Full Quayle" on Natalie Portman. The young'uns might not get that reference, but for those of us who were kids when Bush Sr. was in office, we remember the Murphy Brown incident. Vice President Dan "Potatoe" Quayle gave some kind of major speech where he attacked the show Murphy Brown (starring Candace Bergen) as promoting single motherhood because the character had a baby out of wedlock and didn't die of shame. Well, Huckabee is making me nostalgic for that controversy, because at the very least, Dan Quayle got the basics of the (fictional) situation correct. Mike Huckabee sounds like he doesn't really know what's going on in Natalie Portman's life, or how annoyingly smug she is, or that she seems to be campaigning for America's Princess. Here's how Huckabee attacked Portman:

She won over the Academy, but Natalie Portman doesn’t have a fan in presidential prospect Mike Huckabee. The former Arkansas governor and Fox News Channel host attacked the best actress winner, 29, who’s currently expecting her first child with fiance Benjamin Millepied.

“People see a Natalie Portman who boasts, ‘We’re not married but we’re having these children and they’re doing just fine,” Huckabee told radio host Michael Medved on his show Monday. “I think it gives a distorted image. It’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of- wedlock children.”

Calling Portman’s pregnancy “troubling,” Huckabee went on to say that many single parents don’t have the resources to hire help, the way someone like the Black Swan star would.

“Most single moms are very poor, uneducated, can’t get a job, and if it weren’t for government assistance, their kids would be starving to death and never have health care,” he said. “And that’s the story that we’re not seeing.”

In her acceptance speech Sunday night, Portman thanked Millepied, saying he gave her “the most important role” in her life.

Medved quipped back that Millepied “didn’t give her the most wonderful gift, which would be a wedding ring!”

[From Us Weekly]

Ugh, there are so many things wrong with this. First of all, can you really criticize a woman for being an "unwed mother" when she's engaged to be married? When her pregnancy announcement came packaged with an engagement announcement? That was Natalie's intent, you see - she wanted to avoid the "unwed mother" criticism by showing us that she did indeed have a man and a ring to go with her baby.

Second of all: What does Huckabee suggest all of those pregnant women do when they (or their prospective baby-daddies) don't want to get married? HAVE AN ABORTION?!?

Third: Huckabee seriously picked the wrong target in general. There are plenty of single, unwed mothers who wear their independence proudly, and would be much, much easier targets for this kind of cheap, headline-grabbing, anti-woman diatribe. Natalie's message over the past two months has been everything that Huckabee's evangelical base could support - she's gushed about motherhood being "the most important thing" in the whole world, and her basic implication is that she feels so honored and privileged to be conceiving the conception with such an amazing Ballet K-Fed. Her whole deal is: Motherhood, Fiancée = The Best. Career & Independence = Not Important.

Fourth: There are just as many screwed up kids that come from two-parent homes as those who come from single-parent homes. And where is the outrage for the baby-daddies again?

Ugh, I can't believe I'm defending Natalie like this.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Jessica Simpson is the “frontrunner” to be a judge on Simon Cowell’s new show

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 08:35 AM PST

These are photos of Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson in New York yesterday. Fame Pictures says they were headed into an "office building". Which makes me think that Jessica is involving Eric in all of her business decisions. I don't know if she actually is doing that, I just know that it's what I fear for her. That Jessica is so loved-up that she thinks that there's nothing wrong with putting her dude on her payroll and inviting him to speak (for her?) during her business meetings.

Speaking of Jessica and money, there have been rumors flying around heavily this week that Jessica is one of the leading contenders to be a judge on Simon Cowell's new import/export, The X-Factor. The X-Factor is a HUGE show in England, and Cheryl Cole's career exploded when she became a judge on the British version. Could Jessica be in for the same thing?

Well, the nothing has been confirmed as of yet. Entertainment Weekly and Reuters are saying that Jessica is a long-shot, and that Simon first choices are people like Paula Abdul, Mariah Carey, George Michael, and Nicole Scherzinger (The Pussycat Dolls). However, People Magazine's sources say that Jess is a front-runner:

Although buzz about which celebrities could join Simon Cowell’s new show The X Factor is already going strong, a new name has been added to the mix. Jessica Simpson is a frontrunner to become one of the judges alongside Cowell, a show insider tells PEOPLE.

“There [are] loads of conversations happening at the moment,” says the source. “No one has been offered a judging role yet as new names keep coming forward who want the role, but there are some frontrunners and it’s fair to say Jessica is one of them. She’s very keen.”

Simpson, 30, has the skills needed for this particular format, which features a $5 million recording contract as the grand prize, says the insider. Still, there are a lot of factors that go in to making the final choice.

“She knows what she is talking about [and] is talented and likable,” the source says. “But Simon’s not in a rush to decide. The judges have to mentor on The X Factor – it’s more than just turning up for a few hours a week to appear on TV.”

The judges will have to “work with contestants on music, dancers, styling,” the source continues. “It’s a lot of work.”

The X Factor, which is already a hit in Cowell’s native U.K., will debut in the U.S. on FOX in the fall, so producers have time to make a careful choice.

“They have to get the decision right, which takes time,” the source says. “Those final decisions may not happen for a few weeks.”

[From People]

I honestly think it wouldn't be a horrible decision to make Jessica a judge. She's not the brightest bulb, nor the most hard-working, but she is likeable and sweet, and she's immensely "watchable". That being said, out of the list of people given, I'd say they would likely go with Nicole WhatsIt.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Lindsay Lohan, crackhead loser, couldn’t crack hustle her way into an Oscar party

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 08:10 AM PST

I love a good story about a crack hustle denied. And there's no bigger crack hustler operating today than Lindsay Lohan. There a story about Lindsay trying to get into Madonna and Demi Moore's Kabbalah-flavored Oscar party Sunday night, and the story is only beginning to leak out now, for some reason. I guess Lindsay's dumbass crack hustle doesn't even rate second-day coverage, hahaha. So here we are, five days after the fact, hearing this hilarious story about Lindsay trying to work her way into Madonna's party and being repeatedly denied. She even enlisted the help of Josh Brolin, to no avail!

Sources tells us the beleaguered beauty - who was recently charged with felony grand theft for allegedly stealing a $2,500 necklace from a jewelry store - was turned away from the diva duo’s soiree at talent manager Guy Oseary’s Beverly Hills home Sunday night, and not even handsome hottie Josh Brolin could get her inside.

Lohan showed up uninvited to the party around 11 p.m. with her brother Michael and her security detail. According to one insider, she was confident she would get in because Oseary is an executive at the talent management firm Untitled Entertainment, which represents her as well as Moore and Madonna. Alas, the connection proved useless. Lohan was told she could not join the party.

To make matters worse, we hear that as she was pleading her case, Brolin rolled up and was shot down in his gallant attempt to help. After the “True Grit” actor greeted her with a kiss on the cheek, LiLo asked Brolin if he could get her in the door. Brolin obliged, but another source familiar with the incident tells us the party’s gatekeepers firmly held their ground. We’re told Brolin reacted by saying, “Don’t you know who this is?” The door people replied that yes, they did know who Lohan was - and she wasn’t coming in.

Even Brolin’s insistence that “She’s with me” fell on deaf ears. Eventually he ambled inside without her, leaving the recently rehabbed actress to proclaim, “This is so humiliating.”

Lohan eventually gave up on getting inside and headed to the post-Oscars party that James Franco was supposed to be hosting at Supperclub on Hollywood Blvd. The club adjoins the Writers Room, a bar in which Franco has said he’s a partner.

As we reported Monday, Lohan had taken part in a Terry Richardson photo shoot with Franco over the weekend. Our first source says Lohan had told a number of people at Supperclub that the “127 Hours” star had personally invited her to come and hang with him. But it’s uncertain whether Franco ever planned to attend his party. Right after he finished his Oscar host duties, he hopped on a plane back to the East Coast, in part because he had a paper on Byron due at Yale. Spokespersons for Lohan, Madonna, Moore and Brolin did not respond to our requests for comment by deadline.

[From The NYDN]

So she got denied. And then she tried to get Josh Brolin to help her, and he tried, but the power of the crack stench was just too much, and even the bodyguards and bouncers were pulling rank on the crackhead. That finishes it, you know? She's completely radioactive. But Lindsay's crack hustle knows no shame, so she dropped by another party, probably claiming that James Franco had "personally" invited her to hang, and alas, there was no one good to rub her crack lips on. Crackhead got punk'd by Franco's "performance art"! Which makes me like Franco a little bit more.

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Jennifer Lopez’s new music video “On The Floor”: cheesy, tacky or kinda cute?

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 07:42 AM PST

These are photos of Jennifer Lopez last night, celebrating something for American Idol (I don't care what it was). Look at that outfit!! My God. Shorts, belly shirt and a puffy (PLAID!) jacket. It's like she's a Fly Girl again!! And look at her posing too! I realize I watch too much 30 Rock, but it really seems like J. Lo is doing Liz Lemon's fake "sessy" posing. One thing is for sure, J. Lo is loving all of the attention that AI brings. She's even been able to get a "do over" on her musical career. Her new music video, "On The Floor" just debuted and… um.

It's not even a bad video, per se. It's kind of cheesy and silly, and I laughed at some of the stuff, especially when Jennifer's in that bird's nest headpiece thing, and when she's popping her butt in the spotlight (hahaha). It's the SONG that bothers me. Jennifer doesn't have a strong voice, but she used to make solid dance music. Is this a good dance song? I don't think so. It's sounds weak all over. More Kim Kardashian than Britney.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Kate Middleton’s parents are profiting from their daughter’s royal wedding

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 07:05 AM PST

Kate Middleton is famously "middle class" in England. That doesn't mean her family is struggling financially at all - it means that her parents were born middle class, and are now very, very wealthy (nouveau riche) because they started a successful business called Party Pieces. It's a catalog company which sells, for the most part, "kits" to help facilitate parties. Like, kids' parties and party favors and disposable dishwear and paper hats and tea sets, that sort of thing. Our Little Waity allegedly "worked" for her parents' company for years, although I tend to think it was the kind of "work" where she got to take off 11 times a year to go on holiday with her prince boyfriend, plus all the time off she wanted to follow him around for various events, shopping excursions, nights out, etc. Quite honestly, I think Carole Middleton, Kate's mother, agreed and cosigned with her daughter's "career goal" of getting the ring, and the Middletons helped facilitate the ring-getting however possible.

Now that Kate has gotten the ring and is slowly being introduced to her "royal duties," it's time for the Middletons to cash in. Fortunately, no one is writing a tell-all book, and no one is giving some kind of major interview to a tabloid. Unfortunately, their sell-out does involve tacky corgi-themed wedding party crap.

This probably won't sit too well with the royal in-laws! Princess-to-be Kate Middleton's parents, Michael and Carole, are hocking items on their online store, Party Pieces, perfect for throwing at-home wedding celebrations for their daughter and Prince William. Although the Middletons deny they're cashing in on their daughter's big day, their British Street Party Collection - which includes windmills, Union Jack teapot vases and corgi cake toppers - will coincidentally be available on their site just six weeks before Kate's April 29 wedding.

[From Star Magazine, print edition]

Yeah… this is totally not as bad as it could be, but it's still pretty tacky. You'd think that the Middletons - who have played everything so beautifully up until now - would have stopped and asked themselves, "Hey, our daughter is going to be queen one day… maybe we shouldn't try to profit from her wedding with cheap corgi wedding-cake-toppers?"

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Star: Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner are engaged

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 06:46 AM PST

In case you were worried that Avril Lavigne and Brody Jenner might not last after getting tattoos for each other and solidifying their love during drunken nights at Hollywood clubs, you can rest easy. These two crazy kids are reportedly engaged to be married. They’ve been together a whole year and only broke up once, so it’s time:

On Feb. 9, during the duo’s whirlwind trip to Europe, the divorced singer, 26, e-mailed a bandmate a picture of her left hand with what appears to be an engagement ring on it - with the subject line “ha ha.” And insiders tell Star that Brody, 27, did indeed pop the question to his girlfrien of about a year. “Avril has hinted to pals that she thought Brody was planning a big surprise during their trip to France,” says an insider. “It’s just her style to be coy rather than coming out with an announcement right away.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, March 17, 2011]

I’m hoping that this is just some joke e-mail Avril sent and that Star is reading too much into it. I checked both Avril and Brody’s Twitter accounts, and neither of them have tweeted anything about this and they don’t send tweets to each other either as far as I could tell. (I just skimmed it honestly and didn’t go that far back.)

Last summer, we heard that Brody was “begging” Avril to do a reality show with him. He’s sort-of a Kardashian, after all. (His dad is Bruce Jenner.) Maybe they are engaged and soon we’ll be treated to the Avril and Brody show. Spare us, but you know that some TV exec would sign off on that.

Avril and Brody are shown on 2/16/11, 2/13/11 and 12/7/10. You can see her left hand on 2/13 and there’s no engagement ring. Credit: WENN.com

Gerard Butler dyes his hair in the hope that I will love him again

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 06:41 AM PST

My (imaginary) husband was worried about me! I'd been spending this whole week focusing on Michael Fassbender's gorgeous ginger ass strutting the New York City streets, and boning some chick up against a window, PLUS Clive Owen has been writing me dirty, mustache-ride love letters all week. Gerard Butler knew that my devoted attention to Scottish dong had been compromised. So he stepped out yesterday with damp hair, looking slender and lovely. He's even flashing me a dirty grin! Oh, Gerard. You Scottish devil. I can't quit you.

The Daily Mail made a big deal about Gerard dyeing his hair too - remember the Touch o' Grey just a few weeks ago? He had lovely silver streaks around his temples, and they were driving me crazy, in a wholly inappropriate and lustful way. And now he's dyed it. Boo! Well, he looks younger, I'll give him that. But my man is 41 years old - maybe it's time to have a little grey, you know? Especially since it looked so dashing on him.

Sigh… I love this man. When is he going to propose already?!?

Photos courtesy of Fame.

Abbie Cornish’s suspenders & tapered pants: unfortunate or cute?

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 06:21 AM PST

When I first saw these photos of Abbie Cornish in thumbnail-form, I thought that it was Charlize Theron. From a distance, and when the image is really small, Abbie totally passes for Charlize. Weird, isn't it? I think they just have very similar face-shapes. Anyway, these are photos of Abbie at last night's LA premiere of Limitless, that odd-looking film starring Bradley Cooper as a dude who can take a pill and suddenly access new and different parts of his brain. Whatevs.

Anyway, Abbie's outfit is blowing my mind (my mind is blown by really dumb things). Is she doing some kind of homage to Larry King? What's with the suspenders? AND the tapered pants? And the sleeveless shirt? All together, she just looks so dated and strange. This also looks like something Kim Kardashian would attempt.

Bradley Cooper was at the premiere too, looking squirrelly. His beloved, Renee Zellweger was not there, though. At least, not in any photos I'm seeing.

Photos courtesy of WENN.

Ashlee Simpson and Travis Barker are hooking up

Posted: 04 Mar 2011 05:54 AM PST

This week’s Star Magazine has a quick blurb about Ashlee Simpson and Travis Barker hooking up now that Ashlee is single, having abruptly dumped her husband of nearly three years, Pete Wentz. For Ashlee’s sake I hope this isn’t true, but she’s no prize either:

After splitting from Pete Wentz, Ashlee Simpson, 26, is spending time with another tattooed rocker: Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker, 35, who is Pete’s pal. Says an insider: “She’s keeping it quiet because she’s afraid Pete will be p*ssed.”

[From Star Magazine, print edition, March 14, 2011]

I could have sworn Travis Barker was in his 40s, but that’s just due to how rough he looks. Ashlee has horrible taste in men. Travis makes Pete Wentz seem like a decent choice for a husband.

Ashlee hasn’t tweeted much since she filed for divorce. She only only posted once in the past four weeks and and it was an obvious promotional tweet. Whatever is going on with her, I hope that she didn’t leave Pete for Travis Barker. Reports varied after Pete and Ashlee broke up, with some outlets claiming Ashlee wanted to be single and party and others saying that Pete was a pill addict who spent a lot of time away from home. Both of those accounts are probably true.

Last Fall, Ashlee confirmed that she’s working on a new album and plans to put out a fashion line. She should ask her sister Jessica to help her with that. Jessica might not be the brightest bulb, but she knows how to stick her name on stuff and make money.

Ashlee Simpson is shown on 11/2/10. Travis Barker is shown on 2/15/11. Credit: WENN.com

Here’s Travis Barker at work on a music video (with The Game, Rick Ross and Swizz Beatz) on 2/19/11. Ashlee is shown out with Bronx on 2/25/11. credit: Fame

Friday, March 4, 2011

Cele|bitchy

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