Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Crushable

Crushable

Video: David Hasselhoff Makes Boner Jokes with a Pantless Puppet

Posted: 20 Jul 2011 11:31 AM PDT

Crushable Dream Cast: Live-Action ‘Captain Planet’

Posted: 20 Jul 2011 11:04 AM PDT

Incredible news: Cartoon Network is working with Transformers producers Don Murphy and Susan Montford to bring our generation’s favorite environmentally-conscious cartoon Captain Planet to the big-screen — in a live-action movie! This was one of those shows that you realize now was incredibly cheesy, especially because it was so educational; but when you were a little kid, summoning a superhero from five magic rings to save the environment seemed nothing short of badass.

A great thing about this live-action movie is how removed it will be from the series, which ran from 1990-1996. So even though stars like Meg Ryan, Whoopi Goldberg, and LeVar Burton voiced the characters, you can have a whole new crop of actors in this reboot. Here’s our dream cast. First off, the Planeteers and the people who make them great.

Gaia – Maya Rudolph

The names even rhyme! I can easily see the SNL star playing the personification of Mother Nature: Mostly benevolent — though if it were Rudolph we’d have to see some snark — but with enough power to create a superhero and cause worldwide upheaval that makes Noah’s flood look like a spring shower.

Kwame (Earth) – Tristan Wilds

The actor, who plays Dixon on 90210, may seem like all laughs, but it was his somber role on HBO’s The Wire — and at such a young age — that reassures us that we’re making the right choice for Kwame, the grouop’s de facto leader thanks to his clearheadedness. What I think will be a challenge for any black actor in the role would be playing Kwame as from Africa (as is the case in the animated series) without falling into a stereotype.

Wheeler (Fire) – Anton Yelchin

This one came to me immediately. Yelchin’s past roles in Charlie Barker and The Beaver set him up to play the hotheaded Planeteer, who has the fight in him but actually knows very little about preserving the environment. He could bring more nuance to Wheeler, especially in being the American minority in such an international group.

Linka (Wind) – Clémence Poésy

In the Harry Potter movies, she made the prissy Fleur Delacour an actually likeable character. And if you think about it, a lot of the Linka elements already exist in Poésy’s past roles: Birds, wind, a little bit of Soviet intrigue…

Gi (Water) – Kristin Kreuk

She had her moments on Smallville; I think her Lana Lang was more convincing at the beginning than the end. But if Kreuk just pulls from those first few years of being Clark Kent’s dream girl, she can funnel that into playing a mechanical engineer with a love for dolphins.

Ma-Ti (Heart) – Avan Jogia

We joke about Ma-Ti getting the lamest power ring, but in all seriousness, you need someone with the heart to keep the team united — especially in this day and age, when global warming seems like an inevitability that we have no possible way of stopping. Jogia, who stars on Nickelodeon’s Victorious, is a bit younger than the rest of the cast, but that only enhances his “little brother” role.

Captain Planet – Ryan Reynolds

I was initially thinking of someone older, but then my boyfriend pulled this one out of a hat — and it really makes sense. For Captain Planet, you need someone with unbounded enthusiasm, clean-cut good looks, and the ability to play not quite a leader, but more the powerful tool of a group like the Planeteers. Plus, we’ve seen this guy recite the Green Lantern oath, so we know he’s legit.

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Crushable Dream Cast: Live-Action ‘Captain Planet’

The 7 Best Quotes from the ‘Suri’s Burn Book’ Tumblr

Posted: 20 Jul 2011 11:13 AM PDT

I feel like every day I become obsessed with a new Tumblr, and today it’s Suri’s Burn Book. The conceit is that the posts are supposedly written by Suri Cruise as she makes fun of other celebrity kids (and her own parents) who aren’t as fabulous as her. I can totally see Suri growing up to be an even more fearsome Regina George, can’t you?

Here are some of my favorite Suri-burns:

I feel sorry for Max and Emme because they have Jennifer for a mom (selfish) and Marc for a dad (unfortunate genes), and because their parents are going through a divorce. That's rough.

But I feel sorry for MYSELF because my damn mother is the face of Ann Taylor while these kids' mom is the face of GUCCI. GUCCI. What's the best I can get out of Katie's endorsement deal? An accessories shoot for Ann Taylor Loft?

I thought every hotel knows I only drink seltzer with lemon and Diet Sprite.

Katie WISHES she had the knack for fashion that I have. I practically have to dress her every morning.

Kardashians are ogre enough without the Shrek ears.

Seraphina Affleck was photographed this week wearing (gasp) a hand-me-down from her sister Violet. I understand the need for even the upper crust of Hollywood society to be frugal these days. But fashion is not the place to skimp! This dress is SO 2008.

Confession! I had a brief involvement with Cruz Beckham in the summer of 2010. I broke things off when his immaturity became too exhausting, but we've been able to remain close friends. I have nothing but happiness for him and the entire Beckham family at the birth of Harper Seven.

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The 7 Best Quotes from the ‘Suri’s Burn Book’ Tumblr

Fan Fiction: Ben Affleck Answers Your Relationship Questions

Posted: 20 Jul 2011 10:35 AM PDT

Last week, Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez announced that they were divorcing. And, like any good mom who was upset about her daughter’s breakup, J.Lo’s mom Guadalupe Lopez asked Ben Affleck for advice. It’s weird enough for moms to stay in touch with their daughter’s exes, especially when said ex moved on and got married to someone else, but is Ben Affleck really qualified to give relationship advice? Let’s ask him and see.

My boyfriend keeps pressuring me to have a threesome. I don’t want to, but I think he’ll break up with me if I say no and I don’t want to lose him. What should I do?

Threesomes are rad. I mean, the third person would be another chick, right? Because two dudes is not cool. Crossing swords is against the bro code. Matt Damon and I once both had sex with the same chick but, like, not at the same time.

My partner and I have been together for a long time and our sex life is kind of in a rut. How can we spice things up?

Have you thought about making a music video together? My ex and I did that and it was really hot because I licked her butt and the whole world saw it on TV. If you’re feeling really adventurous you could make an entire movie together.

How do you deal with dating two people in a row who have the same first name?

This isn’t a problem at all. I actually totally recommend this, yo! You never call out the wrong name in bed and you can totally regift those monogrammed towels.

My best friend is dating my ex-girlfriend, and I’m really hurt. What should I do?

I totally know how you feel. One time I slept with Summer Phoenix and when my brother Casey found out he was, like, really hurt or whatever. Oh, wait. I guess I actually don’t totally know how you feel.

I think my boyfriend’s parents don’t like me. Help!

Just keep buying them presents until they break down and agree to love you. Really expensive stuff. Moms love pink diamonds. Plus, have all your movie star friends come over and hang out with them and make them feel special. Matt Damon is probably busy, but I have Tobey Maguire’s number around here somewhere. Hold on a sec.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I need to be more mature and serious. How can I win her back?

Grow a beard. The ladies love that. It just screams “Daddy.” Trust.

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Fan Fiction: Ben Affleck Answers Your Relationship Questions

It Was a Mistake to Not Include the ‘Avengers’ Trailer After ‘Captain America’

Posted: 20 Jul 2011 10:03 AM PDT

I loved Captain America. I had known very little about Cap aside from what I’d read of the Civil War series, and I thought that he was just some overblown, macho, maybe even conservative masked hero. But the movie was fantastic; it beefed up the origin story with ties to the other reboots and is just a great 1940s-era film.

I’ll write about it more as the week goes on, but this post is about what happened after the credits… or rather, what didn’t happen. We were all waiting excitedly for the Avengers teaser we knew was coming, since other outlets had reported it. But after we sat through the fun reprisal of “Star-Spangled Man (with a Plan)” (by Alan Menken!), all we got was this message: Captain America will return in The Avengers.

It was a missed opportunity; while we were all critics, it was clear that the majority of us were comic book fans who would have written favorably about seeing the real teaser and not a grainy bootleg version online. My boyfriend thought maybe the bigwigs in charge of the screening were worried that we reporters would reveal every minute detail we could glean.

However, I was able to contain my disappointment a little better than the other film critics, who booed at the blank screen. They apparently didn’t know that the trailer has been posted online since the beginning of the week. In fact, here it is again for those crybabies:

So maybe it was a sort of punishment for someone — fan, critic, I’m not sure — leaking the trailer on Monday. Maybe they’re saving it for the midnight screening on Thursday night. It is the test of a real fan, isn’t it — see if the film critic who saw the movie free will shell out the $14 to watch Captain America again in order to access the post-credits teaser.

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It Was a Mistake to Not Include the ‘Avengers’ Trailer After ‘Captain America’

Crushable and Avenger Comedy Present: Ingmar Bergman’s BBQ Sauce

Posted: 20 Jul 2011 09:46 AM PDT

Art Crush: Julieta Colás’ ‘Community’ Portraits

Posted: 20 Jul 2011 09:31 AM PDT

Parenting Lessons from ‘Teen Mom’: Everyone Needs a Lawyer and Some Friends

Posted: 20 Jul 2011 09:16 AM PDT

This week on Teen Mom, it’s some more stuff you read about on the internet six months ago! Doesn’t it feel like deja vu all over again? In case you weren’t caught up: Maci has her boyfriend whipped, Farrah is an airhead, Catelynn and Tyler have parental drama, and Amber cannot control her rage. As a famous poet once said, get back to where you once belonged.

FARRAH

Farrah has “decided to put modeling on hold” which could be code for “didn’t get any more job offers.” She and Sophia are cooking risotto. Farrah’s also trying to multitask and is attempting to potty-train her daughter, which apparently boils down to leaving Sophia sitting on the toilet while Farrah does something in another room and occasionally yells stuff. When Farrah finally goes in to check on her daughter, Sophia has unfurled the entire roll of toilet paper. My cat does that too! MTV plays this weird background music that sounds like it has farting noises in it. I guess I should expect that from a network that spent half a season making the poop-clogged Jersey Shore toilet a supporting character.

Later, Farrah recaps us on how Sophia’s father Derek died while Farrah was pregnant and how she filed for social security benefits. Farrah no longer speaks to Derek’s sister Kassy, which is a shame because Kassy has young kids and it would have been cool for the cousins to grow up together. Farrah is in touch with Derek’s dad Jerry and stepmom Debbie, though. (Oh, good, another person in Farrah’s life named Debra. That’s a good idea.)  Farrah arranges a lunch date with Jerry, Debbie, Debra (her mom), and of course Sophia. I think this is Jerry and Debbie’s first time meeting the baby, since Debbie says “You’ll get to know us,” but it’s not as emotional as I might expect a first-ever meeting to be.

Debbie asks how the social security thing is going, and Farrah says she’s still waiting for them to get back to her. Debbie brought some baby pictures of Derek and ask if Farrah wants to keep any of them. “He loved you a lot,” Jerry tells Farrah, and says that Derek talked about her all the time. Debra asks where Derek is buried, and it surprises me that they haven’t visited his grave yet, although Farrah definitely took awhile to begin working through her issues related to his death.

Farrah gets the letter from social security. The letter confirms the DNA test validates that Derek is Sophia’s father but then says Derek “expressed doubts that Sophia was his child,” which is weird, and I don’t even know how they would have gotten that information in the first place (I’m guessing Kassy?). It says that Derek never acknowledged Sophia as his daughter, which … he was dead. As a result, Sophia is not entitled to benefits. Debra reads the letter, and she and Farrah both blame Kassy. Was this shot out of sequence? So was this why they stopped hanging out? Farrah calls a lawyer to see what her options are. The lawyer says that Derek’s mother has complained and says she wants visitation. We get a shot of the lawyer on the other end, and it’s the same guy Farrah met with when deciding whether to file charges against her mom. The lawyer says it’s shitty that Derek’s mom – whose name is Stormie, by the way – is pressing for visitation with Sophia and acknowledging her as her granddaughter, yet social security is denying Derek’s paternity. Something is rotten in the state of Iowa, y’all. Farrah gets frustrated and says she’ll handle it herself.

A process server shows up at Farrah’s house and serves her with papers. They’re a notification that Stormie wants visitation with Sophia. Farrah snaps that all Stormie really wants is attention, and that she’s not going to give it to her. Farrah calls her mom to tell her what happened. Debra offers to come over and look at the papers and figure out what they’re going to do. Debra says that they need to make a list of pieces of evidence and talk to a lawyer. Farrah gets mad at the mention of an attorney and starts cussing about how she doesn’t need anyone to speak on her behalf and that she is just going to ignore Stormie, and Debra’s pleas go unanswered. Farrah, hilariously, tells her mom to grow up and says Debra needs to quit being emotional. Instead of going to a lawyer, Farrah goes to her counselor and reshashes the Stormie situation yet again. The counselor asks how she plans to deal with it, and Farrah says she plans to ignore Stormie and not deal with it at all. When the counselor asks who Farrah can talk to and get support from, she starts crying and says she doesn’t have any friends. Come to think of it, we haven’t seen the Asian hairdresser friend from last season in a long time. The counselor suggests that Farrah go through the legal system because then the situation will be resolved, and she can deal with her emotions on her own time.

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Parenting Lessons from ‘Teen Mom’: Everyone Needs a Lawyer and Some Friends

The Daily WTF: Drug Kingpin Hippos

Posted: 20 Jul 2011 08:43 AM PDT

Crushable Quotable: Wayne Wang Had to Learn the Romantic Comedy Formula for ‘Maid in Manhattan’

Posted: 20 Jul 2011 08:10 AM PDT

Wayne Wang has become known as a director who handles stories of Chinese identity both in China and the United States; he was behind 1993′s generation-spanning adaptation of Amy Tan‘s The Joy Luck Club, and the just-released Snow Flower and the Secret Fan. But did you know that in 2002 he directed Maid in Manhattan? Yes, the one starring Jennifer Lopez and Ralph Fiennes.

At the Snow Flower press junket, I couldn’t resist asking Wang about his foray into American romantic comedies. It turns out that he took the job after making a film called Center of the World, which he loved but which weathered awful reviews. “I couldn’t get arrested for two years,” he laughed. Yet when the producers approached him, he said he was flattered and signed on immediately. During the process he was simultaneously worried and elated at the challenge because there was the pressure to make $100 million dollars, and because he wasn’t used to thinking in those terms.

He explained what it was like to follow the rom-com formula:

“I was working with a producer who was very familiar with that genre; she was working with Julia Roberts a lot, and she was kind of the queen of romantic comedies, so I had to learn that language… [In this movie there's] the Cinderella rule, and you have to really play that up. There’s a scene where she’s going to the Cinderella party and her friend tells her, ‘You can do it — do it for all of us.’ It’s a bit over the top, but in those films you need that moment.”

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Crushable Quotable: Wayne Wang Had to Learn the Romantic Comedy Formula for ‘Maid in Manhattan’
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