Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Crushable

Crushable


5 Ways the Wizarding World Would Be Different If J.K. Rowling Had Written ‘Hermione Granger and the Sorcerer’s Stone’

Posted: 27 Jul 2011 11:01 AM PDT

No, we can’t take credit for this cheeky commentary on the Harry Potter series; it was Global Comment who came up with this fake tribute for the alternate universe in which Joanne Rowling (not having to hide behind her initials) introduced the world to young, motivated witch Hermione Granger and her sidekicks Harry and Ron. And what a different world it is…

Dumbledore comes out during the actual series. Instead of Rowling dropping the news of Dumbledore’s sexuality at a reading, the Hogwarts headmaster would fall in love with “a young man” (a student??) in the third book, Hermione Granger and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Other girls get their due. With Hermione such a shining standard of a strong female protagonist, we see Professor McGonagall, the shallow Lavender Brown, and the kooky Luna in a new light: These women are resourceful, believe in their convictions, and can take care of themselves in a battle. Even Ginny Weasley — who we don’t have much affection for these days — becomes an actual character!

Magical creatures are considered equals. Instead of Hermione being the only person valiantly fighting for S.P.E.W., she inspires the other Hogwarts students to free the house-elves from their slavery early on, which leads to other subjugated creatures realizing they can stand up for themselves.

The Boy Who Lived is a pain in our asses. So he avoided a dark wizard’s curse when he was a baby — big whoop, Harry! This “failed love interest,” as they so hilariously describe him, stomps around Hogwarts sulking and has to constantly be saved by Hermione. And why is this? Because Harry is every cliche that Rowling threw out the window in a first draft before landing on the perfect heroine, Hermione.

Harry is not particularly bright or studious; he's provided with an endless supply of gifts and favors; he's the heir to no less than two huge fortunes; he's privileged above his fellow students, due to his fame for something he didn't actually do himself; he even seems to take credit for "Dumbledore's Army," which Hermione started. Of course this character is obnoxious.

Hermione gets the happy ending she deserves. We’re all fans of Rupert Grint, but we’d be lying if we said that our eyes hadn’t wandered over to Matthew Lewis as he revealed his hotness in the weeks leading up to Deathly Hallows, Part 2. In this alternate universe, Neville gets the recognition he deserves earlier on in the series, when Hermione tires of Ron and Harry’s immaturity and decides to give Mr. Longbottom a chance.

Fan fiction writers, perk up — here’s your chance to recapture the magic of the books now that the movies are over (sniff) and make this fake review come true! We’ll be checking FanFiction.net for the first installment of Hermione Granger and the Sorcerer’s Stone, so get writing!

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5 Ways the Wizarding World Would Be Different If J.K. Rowling Had Written ‘Hermione Granger and the Sorcerer’s Stone’

Who Does Hollywood Think They’re Kidding with the ‘New Year’s Eve’ Trailer?

Posted: 27 Jul 2011 10:28 AM PDT

Who out there bet that Pink‘s “Raise Your Glass” would be this movie’s theme song? Go collect your winnings — you deserve them. Although this is being billed as the sequel to 2010′s Valentine’s Day, only a few of the actors reprise their roles: Ashton Kutcher, Hector Elizondo, Jessica Biel. Otherwise, it’s fresh meat ready to humiliate themselves in the effort to recreate the wonder of Love Actually. And this movie is the closest in date to that, as it’s set on the tense, hopeful night of December 31. But we think the studio is way overemphasizing the significance of New Year’s Eve.

Soulmates! Babies! First kisses! Marriage! Musical performances in Times Square! THE REST OF YOUR LIFE HINGES ON THIS NIGHT. Just listen to the characters in the trailer.

“How do you explain the entire world coming together on one night to celebrate the hope of a new year?” – If by “hope” you mean “free-flowing liquor,” then yes, it’s a pretty impressive meet-up.

“This is the biggest night of my career, and if I screw it up…” – …What? People will be so drunk they won’t notice a newscaster, or whoever Hilary Swank is supposed to be, flub a few lines. Besides, what is there to say aside from “Happy New Year” and to sing a few bars of “Auld Lang Syne”?

“Who are you gonna kiss at midnight?” - Ah, the most important question in a young single person’s life. Look, it’s definitely a romantic moment, but it’s not the end of the world. I’ve kissed my boyfriend one New Year’s Eve out of the four years we’ve been together, because we were always across the country from each other. The New Year’s kiss should be like in When Harry Met Sally, where they’re friends but it’s not the most definitive moment of that year.

(Also, when did Abigail Breslin get so old??)

“Nothing beats New York on New Year’s Eve.” – Actually, that’s the complete opposite of the truth. Wedged into the crush of drunk, rowdy people, freezing your ass off from 3 p.m. onward to stare a glittery ball? We’d rather be curled up on the couch in our underwear clinking champagne glasses with our girlfriends — or, okay, a significant other — than suffer in the snow.

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Who Does Hollywood Think They’re Kidding with the ‘New Year’s Eve’ Trailer?

The Afghan Version of ‘The Office.’ At Least It’s Less Offensive Than ‘Outsourced’?

Posted: 27 Jul 2011 10:20 AM PDT

With the departure of Steve Carell's character from The Office this summer, everyone has been busy speculating about who will be his replacement. Will Ferrell, who took over for Carell in the last few weeks of season 7, was supposed to be a temporary fix (and treat), but would not stay on for season 8. Decidedly, NBC has chosen to keep things under wraps, hoping curiosity will up their viewership on September 22, when Dunder Mifflin gets a new manager.

But, in this industry, leaks are to be expected. And so, this sneak peak of the newest season, with it's newest boss, has been making the Internet rounds and spoiling NBC's surprise today.

Now that you've taken the time to watch the video above, you'll realize it's actually a trailer for the Afghan comedy, The Ministry, which is clearly a rip-off of The Office. But, as Deadline.com reported, it's nice to see a nation ravaged by corruption and war dipping their toes into satire. And it's refreshing to see a female character in the show be a feminist to boot.

Mostly, we’re just impressed that this show isn’t as racially tone deaf as Outsourced, NBC’s own ripoff of The Office. The fact that that show remains on network television still perplexes us…

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The Afghan Version of ‘The Office.’ At Least It’s Less Offensive Than ‘Outsourced’?

Angelina Pivarnick Blames The Media For Her Miscarriage; Ex Says She Faked Pregnancy

Posted: 27 Jul 2011 10:03 AM PDT

The Jersey Shore‘s Angelina Pivarnick opened up to TV priest Father Albert about her brief pregnancy on a recently taped episode, saying that all the media attention and lack of support from her baby daddy caused her undue stress that contributed to her miscarriage. “Everyone in the tabloids and media weren't really leaving me alone about it," she told him as he listened sympathetically. "Basically I wanted it to be my personal business and it really wasn't.” Of the baby’s father (“just a guy I was with”), she said, “He wasn’t even there for me. He was tormenting me, and it was definitely a big reason why I think what happened to me.” Do you hear that, random guy? Your rampant douchebaggery killed a baby. Your baby.

While it’s extremely sad any time someone loses a pregnancy they want to keep, I have to question the sincerity of Angelina’s statement. This is a woman who repeatedly talked shit on her former cast mates and possibly staged a red carpet proposal just to stay in the public eye. If anything, all the extra attention should’ve made her happier. A happy, glowing, super famous mother to be.

Then there is the assertion on the part of her ex Jeff Miranda that she was never pregnant to begin with. “She did it for publicity,” he told Rumor Fix. “People have told her that her time is up — she's trying to keep her face in the press.” Holy shit. This reminds me of that episode of 30 Rock when Jenna decides to have a baby for attention, only not as funny, because this is real. If it’s true, this would make her scolding of the press incredibly ironic. But at least it would mean she wasn’t actually irresponsible enough to get tattooed with a bun in the oven. And that an innocent child won’t be stuck with her for 18 years. Silver linings?

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Angelina Pivarnick Blames The Media For Her Miscarriage; Ex Says She Faked Pregnancy

5 Awesome Things from the ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Season 2 Trailer

Posted: 27 Jul 2011 09:17 AM PDT

My favorite housewives are coming back for another season, and it couldn’t come soon enough. The season 2 trailer shows lots of yelling, crying, outrageous bling, and somebody in a mermaid outfit. Let’s break this down.

1. Lisa tries to teach Adrienne to cook.

My two favorite Beverly Hills housewives are Lisa Vanderpump and Adrienne Maloof, so I am very excited to see the two glam ladies hanging out together. In one scene, Lisa’s teaching Adrienne how to cook what looks like a turkey, and she freaks out when Adrienne tries to wash the turkey with hand soap. Pure comedy.

2. Taylor’s split from her husband is going to be a major storyline.

We see a lot of Taylor Armstrong crying and saying she feels like she’s “breaking,” and it’s pretty clear she’s talking about her relationship falling apart. She and Russell have separated, but I don’t know if that came during or after filming for this season. Looks like we’ll find out. In other news, her lips are still ridiculous.

3. Camille has either become self-aware or paid someone to help her become self-aware.

Though Camille Grammer was the villain last season, she got a better edit toward the end of the season after her marriage fell apart and we learned about the full extent of husband Kelsey Grammer‘s betrayal. This season, she looks like she’s trying to get a redemption arc. She makes a crack about “not another dinner party from hell” and is actually smiling and attempting to interact with the other cast members. She might be able to work herself into others’ favor, because …

4. Everybody hates Brandi.

New addition Brandi Glanville, who garnered tabloids when her husband Eddie Cibrian left her for LeAnn Rimes, already seems to be on the outs with the rest of the cast. Lisa snipes about her outfit, and we already know that Brandi and Taylor butted heads. This is going to be good. It looks like Kim and Kyle are calling her a bitch, but the editing is weird. Hey, if this is what brings the sisters back together I am all for it. Brandi accuses Kim of doing meth, and then Kim calls Brandi a slut. I love this show.

5. Jiggy continues to be awesome.

Everyone’s favorite supporting cast member makes some adorably-dressed cameos in the trailer. We also find out that Lisa’s daughter Pandora got engaged, so this means possible Jiggy-in-a-tux action!

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5 Awesome Things from the ‘Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Season 2 Trailer

Matt And Kim Killed It On Jimmy Fallon

Posted: 27 Jul 2011 09:05 AM PDT

Last night, Brooklyn indie-pop duo Matt and Kim were the musical guest on “Late Night With Jimmy Fallon,” and they fucking slayed. (Their performance is at 38:00 in the above video.) I was a little unsure about how their insane, high energy live show was going to translate to a sterile studio, but it worked just fine. From the Ninjasonik shirt bobbing up and down behind Matt, it would appear they’d brought some of their Brooklyn friends along. Audience interaction is an essential part of their schtick, so they had a bunch of happy people arrayed around them on the stage. Party at 30 Rock!

Grinning, as always, from ear to ear, they played an excited rendition of “Block After Block,” the first single off their latest full-length, Sidewalks. I must say, they haven’t changed much since their first gigs at D.I.Y. shows and house parties; Matt’s nasal, imprecise vocals and Kim’s simple, manic drumming endure (albeit, with better songwriting). I’ll admit that I used to be among their detractors; their music seemed simplistic compared to the other bands I was seeing at all those Todd P shows. I think I even called it “Sesame Street music” once. (I realize now that they probably wouldn’t take that as an insult.) What did Todd see in them?

He saw energy, enthusiasm, and a truly grass roots approach to making music. This is the stuff that plays in your head when you’re a kid drumming on a box or banging on a Casio and dreaming of all the fun stuff you’re going to do over the weekend. Many New Yorkers love M+K’s music because it helps them feel less jaded; I love it because they’re singing about my goddamn life. Summer! Brooklyn! Rooftops! Parties! Beer! Friends! These are things that make me happy to think about. That these adorable balls of positive energy are now spreading joy to the nation via numerous TV screens can only be a good thing. Congrats, guys! Way to keep it real.

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Matt And Kim Killed It On Jimmy Fallon

Learning the Ins and Outs of Personal Finance Firsthand as an Unpaid Intern in NYC

Posted: 27 Jul 2011 08:21 AM PDT

This marks my seventh week living and interning in New York City. Not only have I learned a lot about the field I'm working in, but I've also gained a great deal of insight into the world of personal finance that no book or Suze Orman show could ever teach me. It’s definitely a difficult feat to be able to budget in New York as a wide-eyed intern living here for the first time. You want to experience as much as possible and live your time here to the fullest.

I was lucky enough to have support from my parents for my living situation and other personal needs, but that was in no way a green light to freely spend money. Before I left, they sat me down and explained all of the things I would need to be spending money on (groceries, MetroCard, etc.) and things that I would want to be spending money on (eating out, drinks, clothing, etc). They said to take this time as an indicator of how much I could live on when I move here next summer after college, when I will be 100% financially independent.

It was a struggle at first, but I quickly adapted to the working life and found that as time went on it wasn't as hard to manage money. Maybe it's because the novelty of living near SoHo shopping wore off or that I wanted to prove to my parents that I was capable of doing this? Who knows. But I am proud to say I have mastered the art of grocery shopping and now find it very therapeutic.

I dipped into this pool about six months ago when I studied abroad in York, England and lived in a flat where I had to shop and cook for myself. But having the currency difference and slightly-less-than-clean flat mates (well just one, but he managed to always keep the kitchen a complete mess after we would each take turns cleaning it) threw me off enjoying cooking.

Not the case here in New York. My roommate and suitemates are wonderful (I seriously could not have asked for better) and I actually enjoy making meals. I feel a sense of accomplishment, as weird as that sounds. I know that I haven't even come close to fully understanding everything that goes into personal finance and living on my own. Each conversation with my mom brings up a new thing I would need to think about: rent, utilities, insurance, transportation, groceries, entertainment, etc. Each week I slowly learned what I could live without and what I absolutely needed.

That's the most important thing when you're young and naïve. Really pay attention to what you're doing, where you're going, and what you're spending. That is what will help you in balancing your financial life. I know that once I move here on my own, with my own salary, it will be a whole new ball game. But I will have somewhat of a leg up, having an idea of how to start out budgeting my money. My time from now until then will be filled with the inevitable job hunt, deciding on grad school, and the ever-feared apartment search. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time and just continue what I'm doing. I have been able to meet so many amazing people and uncover incredible opportunities that I did not know existed, nor would have come across if I weren't here, and that is one of the greatest financial investments I could make.

For now, though, I will continue to learn and enjoy my time here.

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Learning the Ins and Outs of Personal Finance Firsthand as an Unpaid Intern in NYC

Parenting Lessons from ‘Teen Mom’: Don’t Make Your Boyfriend Pottytrain Your Kid

Posted: 27 Jul 2011 10:02 AM PDT

Have any of you ever read the comments that appear in the sidebar on MTV.com? They scroll alongside the video while you watch the episode. Some of it, to be honest, makes me hate humanity. It’s a lot of calling Amber a slut and a whore (look, Amber sucks as a parent, and I have no issue saying that, but there’s no need to just throw around female-specific epithets simply because you don’t like someone) and a lot of people arguing with each other about who is a better mom, despite the fact that I don’t think any of them have met. Oh, and there’s this one dude who rails about welfare. Just keep all those things in mind as you imagine the mental state I am in while writing these recaps for you lovely people.

MACI

Now that Maci lives in Nashville, she has to commute two hours to college and to drop Bintlee off at Raahn’s. Maci meets with Steve, her advisor at college, who I think we saw before. Steve has a Mr. Peanut on his desk! It doesn’t seem to be a Mr. Peanut figure, I think it’s actual peanuts. But that is the most interesting detail about this scene. They go over Maci’s grades, and she has passed her comp class and failed algebra and a few other things. Steve is sympathetic when Maci talks about her family situation and being a mom, but he reminds her that a college degree lasts forever. Maci voiceovers that her dad is going to be upset about her grades, but he’s going to be even more upset about Kaahl moving in with her. On cue, Maci’s dad shows up and she tells him what’s going on, and as predicted he’s not thrilled with the idea. He doesn’t think Maci will follow through and go to classes if she’s living in Nashville, and it sounds like she wasn’t going a whole lot when she lived in Chattanooga either. Her mom says that if Maci really wants to be independent, the only way to truly achieve that independence is with money, and the best way to be able to afford independence is by educating herself and getting a better job. Preach it, Maci’s mom. In her voiceover, Maci admits that her parents kind of have a point, but that she has already “committed” to staying in Nashville.

More scenes of Maci in the car a lot while voiceovering about how tired and stressed she is from all the driving back and forth, minus the acknowledgement that she created this situation herself. When she gets home to Nashville, the apartment is a mess. Kyle says he was going to clean it but fell asleep. Ha, way to convince people you’re not slow. Later, they take Bintlee to the park and there’s a very cute scene where Kaahl helps Bintlee go down the slide. Maci tells her girlfriend that she has to move back to Chattanooga but that Kaahl might come with her. At the same time, Kaahl is having the world’s most stilted conversation with one of his friends about how he’d have to quit his job to move, and he’s not sure he wants to do that.

Then there is a scene of Kaahl helping pottytrain Bintlee. I’m glad he is hands-on or whatever, but this scene weirds me out. Kaahl goes into the bathroom with Bintlee, who is screaming “peepeeeeeeeeee,” while Maci stands outside texting. Later she says she’s going to look at apartments in Chattanooga so she doesn’t have to live with her parents. She takes one that costs $1,000 a month, and she doesn’t have a job… MTV paycheck much?

Maci is moving into her new place when Kaahl shows up. Kaahl tells Maci that he quit his job and is moving to Chattanooga with her. She seems unsurprised, so either they discussed it already and this is just for the cameras or she’s just a good enough manipulator to know that he’s just going to what she wants.

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Parenting Lessons from ‘Teen Mom’: Don’t Make Your Boyfriend Pottytrain Your Kid

The Waiting for Bieber Website Is My New Favorite Thing Ever

Posted: 27 Jul 2011 08:00 AM PDT

As much as Twitter is a great way to keep up with the latest news regarding your favorite celebrities, some people take their love of stars on social media a little too far. That’s why the website Waiting for Bieber is hilarious: they keep track, in real time, of everyone on Twitter who asks Justin to follow them or be their friend. If Twitter ever gets hacked and starts sending spammy emails to people, I hope it starts with some of these folks.

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The Waiting for Bieber Website Is My New Favorite Thing Ever

Crush Links Check Out Bieber’s New Tattoo

Posted: 27 Jul 2011 06:43 AM PDT

  • Yet another amazing single by Lady Gaga: listen here. (Have U Heard)
  • Check out Bieber and his dad’s matching tatts. Like father like son? (Celeb Dirty Laundry)
  • Leighton Meester isn’t the only celeb who has had to sue his/her family. (The Frisky)
  • Is that a baby bump we see on Jennifer Garner? (Hollywood Hiccups)
  • Ever wonder what Orlando Bloom would look like as a baby? Check out his son. (Lainey Gossip)
  • If Emma Watson was a troll she might look like this. (BuzzFeed)
  • These celebs would be a ball to hangout with. (College Candy)

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Crush Links Check Out Bieber’s New Tattoo

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