Friday, May 20, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Here’s A Handy “Will You Be Raptured?” Flowchart To Use Before The End Of Time

Posted: 20 May 2011 09:07 AM PDT

It’s Friday, May 20, 2011… and you know what that means: Only one more day til the

RAPTURE!

Now I know what all of you are thinking: Wait, Michelle, I’m a pretty good person, I eat right, I love animals… will I be Raptured? Well I don’t know pal. Maybe you should look at your trash can of used condoms and ask yourself that question after getting tested at the clinic.

I digress. Knowing whether you’re gonna be raptured or not is a pretty big deal. And it is pretty darn confusing? See? I used darn instead of damn because I wanna get raptuuuuuured! (Also the title of a new gameshow I’m pitching.) Well thankfully for those of us without answers, the Peas and Cougars blog has devised this hand flowchart will help you figure out whether you should be packing your celestial overnight bag, or settling down for a longer stay.

So… are you getting Raptured? Let us know in the comments! Seriously, this might be your last time to comment, take advantage of it folks.

WANT: Banana Waffle Burritos

Posted: 20 May 2011 08:45 AM PDT

We ordinarily have a policy against posting pornography here on our little mom n’ pop blog, but every now and then we can make an exception:

Yup – Banana Waffle Burritos. Technically only a “burrito” inasmuch as the waffle acts as tortilla around the banana, whipped cream, and custard [DROOL BREAK........................ok back] but “burrito” is a delicious word and this object looks delicious so we’ll let it slide deliciously.

Blame for my impending death goes to BWE-alum Adam Winer’s new food blog, I Want You Inside Me. Thanks and bye forever!

America, Meet The Real Housewife Of Bensonhurst, Brooklyn

Posted: 20 May 2011 08:12 AM PDT

“Everybody’s connected to outer space today.” – Joann A. re: texting

Local news affiliates try very hard to come up with exciting features for their shows and newscasts, but nothing comes close to New York’s Fox 5, who have very wisely tapped a Brooklyn dweller named Joann to head up a series of videos called “City Rant.” Also called “The Real Housewife of Bensonhurst,” Joann A. is a wife, mother, and one of the funniest ladies we’ve ever had the pleasure of watching. Her complaints about parking wars, overpriced groceries, and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s d*ck are genuinely hilarious, and a welcome reminder that, for most people with real bills, living in New York is nothing like what you’ve seen on extended pipe dreams like Sex And The City or The Real Housewives Of New York City (i.e. when you pay a bloated electricity bill, chances are you aren’t spending most of your time launching lines of designer Silly Bandz and attending auctions benefiting paper cut awareness).

Andy Cohen, if you really want to give a mouthy, ethnic broad a show, Joann A. is your lady. Teresa Guidice only wishes she were this funny.

See more Joann here!

– Eliot Glazer

State Senator’s Wu-Tang Speech Ain’t Nothin’ Ta F*** Wit

Posted: 19 May 2011 04:01 PM PDT

Here’s Illinois state senator Christine Radgono reading a letter about financial security from a noted expert on the topic, Wu-Tang’s very own Raekwon (or I believe it’s pronounced, “Ray Kwan”).

It’s got everything you want in an internet video: Serious people reading rap lyrics + only 50 seconds long + wholly sound financial advice (in lieu of a kitten slipping into a jar of milk):

With that 50 seconds, Christine Radgono has officially replaced Mixmaster Alan Simpson as politics’ flyest rapper.

Pug Conga Line Goes On As World Prepares To End

Posted: 20 May 2011 09:10 AM PDT

Meet The Pug Brothers! They’re two pugs who have a very special talent. That talent being: Conga lining. Getting married? Why not kick off the celebration with a PUG CONGA LINE. Honestly, if the world really is about to end, I’m happy I got a chance to spend some time with the Pug Bros before my demise.

And now, the Pug Conga GIF you never knew you needed:

Dog Likes Peanut Butter Too Much, Methinks

Posted: 19 May 2011 11:18 AM PDT

Things that are bad for dogs: grapes, onions, and chocolate.

Things that are okay for dogs that dogs usually love: peanut butter, cheese, and carrots.

Things that are okay for dogs but not necessarily when they could possibly suffocate, unless I’m out of line here (which I very well may be, but that’s because I’m obsessed with my dog and it cost $1,500 when he swallowed sugarless gum) (suggestion: do not leave sugarless gum out if you have a dog): jars of peanut butter on their heads.

– Eliot Glazer

Ke$ha Is Kidz Bop

Posted: 19 May 2011 11:18 AM PDT


We never really stopped to think about it, but exactly who goes to a Ke$ha concert? It’s an appropriate question, right? Her music is essentially computer-generated dance pop that tries to embody a sort of extraterrestrial hipster vibe, although it all boils down to being silly, radio-friendly nursery rhymes that, like Kashi Keisha Ke$ha herself, are vaguely annoying.

So who is shelling out actual currency to see her perform live? Because it appears that people really are paying money to watch K’ue$t Que C’e$t Ke$ha warble into a microphone, upon which the sound is then digested by a computer to sound purely robotic. Who would pay Earth Cash to see that happen?

Answer: MOMS AND DADS! Yup, the baffling answer to the question is that children are going to see Ke$ha put on “baby slut voice” when chirping about drinking whiskey for breakfast. These pictures from Cobrasnake (via Hipster Runoff) prove it, and now we’re even more worried for America’s youth. If you thought Facebook was robbing our kids of their innocence, witness children wearing socks on their arms and glitter on their eyes. SAVE THE BABIES!

– Eliot Glazer

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An Open Letter To People Against Ronald McDonald

Posted: 19 May 2011 03:52 PM PDT

Ronald McDonald. To many, a gentle, kind clown looking to hand strange children 99 cent hamburgers. To others, an acid-induced fever dream caused after eating an expired McRib. And to some, the Gingerest of Geisha girls.

But it seems like one group of concerned Americans has made Ronald McDonald the latest of our most prized national targets. A non-profit advocacy group operating under a website called “LetterToMcDonalds.org” has written a — yes — open letter to Micky D’s asking them to retire Ronald McDonald from our national eyeballs and brainfolds. The letter states, in short:

"Ronald captures kids' attention better than anyone else can." You use Ronald McDonald and other promotions to appeal to kids in environments that informed parents and health professionals can't constantly monitor – from schools to libraries to the internet. Today, your icon is as recognized as Santa Claus…

"We ask that you heed our concern and retire your marketing promotions for food high in salt, fat, sugar, and calories to children, whatever form they take — from Ronald McDonald to toy giveaways."

Woah there “Doc.” I hate to take issue with your argument here, but you got this ish twisted. While I personally wouldn’t argue that the nutritional contents of a Big Mac fall somewhere just short of the water gravy one makes while softening Alpo, Ronald McDonald is not the dude to blame for America’s fat kids.

In fact, I’d argue to say that Ronald is PREVENTING childhood obesity. Because let’s face it: Ronald McDonald is scary as sh*t. When I was 15 years old, Ronald McDonald was probably the only thing keeping me from wearing Quarterpounder with Cheese earmuffs to school. Your letter should be encouraging Ronald McDonald to be in EVERY ad campaign, just smiling and waving while images of heart-clogging delicacies float around his face. Air those guys for a few years, and watch childhood obesity plummet at startling rates. Fast food companies should all have creepy, terrifying mascots keeping our beloved children away from their deep fried den of sin.

I MEAN LOOK AT HIM!! I just lost 8 pounds of water weight pissing myself.

So that being said, if you’re one of the doctors who took part in the campaign to retire the ONLY PERSON preventing us from eating ourselves to death, uh-siddown. Ronald McDonald is doing just fine the way he is.

Sincerely,
Michelle Collins

The DOs And DON’Ts Of Alpaca Grooming

Posted: 19 May 2011 01:46 PM PDT


(click to enlarge)

DO: Let your stunning, silky locks “do their thing,” Alpaca. You know you look good, guy. So just let it be free. Get it out there. Be you.

DON’T: Shave it all off, son! Though we’re happy to see your classy chapeau remains largely untouched.

(via Reddit)

AND SPEAKING OF ALPACAS, I just watched 4 minutes of a newborn alpaca falling asleep. This is when you know I have truly hit rock bottom new career heights!!! Video ahead.

Pejazzling: Spruce Up Your Beef Whistle!

Posted: 19 May 2011 01:52 PM PDT

By now everyone is familiar with vajazzling, which offers women the opportunity to paste Limited-Too style stick-on crystals to their monz pubis. (Ed. Note: Is that not the worst name for the worst part of the anatomy ever? Redundant Q!) But what about men looking to spruce up their beef whistle? Glad you asked.

Introducing Pejazzling! Swarovski crystal appliques that a gentlemen puts above his Dong Johnson in order to become irresistible to ladies who shop at Bebe.

This morning on the VH1 Big Morning Buzz Live, I took to the topic of “pejazzling,” wondering if this was something I was interested in or not. The result of this one-sided debate were shocking even to me.

So, what do you guys think of dongling your shlongle? Ladies, are you into it? Men, if your loved one begged you to put a rhinestoned cross over your phalange, would you do it? I need to know: ARE PEOPLE REALLY GOING TO GET PEJAZZLED???

Follow Me On Twitter — Follow BWE On Twitter

Titanic 3-D Gets A Release Date; Culture Careens Towards Giant Iceberg

Posted: 19 May 2011 12:34 PM PDT

James Cameron’s 3-D rerelease of Titanic has gotten an official release date: April 6, 2012, the exact one-hundredth anniversary of the ship’s maiden voyage. And really, what better way to honor those unfortunate souls in their watery graves than by adding the illusion of depth to a movie everyone saw 15 years ago:

“Wow, this dialogue has aged terribly, but on the plus side I really felt that spit!” – Someone Who Is Out $20

Locomotive Curt: Your 2011 Summer Jam

Posted: 20 May 2011 07:17 AM PDT

Early apologies to Lady Gaga, Beyonce, and Kanye West. These major players may have thought they would have the summer jams of 2011 down on lock with their respective albums, but it’s high time they make way for a newbie. Locomotive Curt is a mix of Rebecca Black, Afroman, and Weird Al (not bad!).

He is, indeed, a child, and he and his friends do a lot of walking on railroad tracks and cul de sacs in (“railroad tracks and cul culs de sacs”: SWEET RHYME! YOU CAN USE THAT, LOCOMOTIVE CURT!). But you probably did the same thing, and your time would likely have been spent a lot more wisely if you, too, had YouTube when you were young and confused about stuff, but had a remarkably savvy take on musical parody.

[via Holy Loly]

– Eliot Glazer

Sesame Street‘s Bert Makes A Play For Oprah’s Timeslot

Posted: 19 May 2011 10:50 AM PDT

Oprah has only one week left to rule to talk show roost. So who is left? While you might be thinking Ellen or Maury or, my pick, Judge Judy, a new contender is throwing his velcroed felt hat into the ring. That man (?) is Bert, from Sesame Street‘s Bert and Ernie fame. And we’re not even kidding. Bert makes a pretty kick a– talk show host. He’s like a little jaundiced felt version of Charlie Rose.

MILK BREAK!

As his first guest, Bert gets into it with Saturday Night Live’s Andy Samberg, asking those questions that other talk show hosts would never dare ask. Part 1 of this engaging 2 parter covers topics such as turtles… and socks. No sarcasm here, it is truly the most entertaining 5 minutes of video you will view today. Well… after the “beef whistle” incident. (Video to follow.)

I guess the only question one might think to raise after watching this… Where’s Ernie? Probably dancing himself to sleep as yoozh.

Did Ozzy Osbourne Have Something To Do With Michael Jackson’s Children?

Posted: 19 May 2011 10:36 AM PDT

I mean, I’m not saying that Michael Jackson’s kids look anything like Ozzy Osbourne… but what I am saying is keep your bats away from these children. Look at these bad ass kids! That’s Paris Jackson and her lil’ bro Blanket Jackson leaving acting class. (“Oh brother.”) They are like supah goths!

But wait!!! What happened to Prince Michael? Oh, fear not. He was also sharpening his acting chops in the studio…

OK, sooooo he’s got a bit of that uncomfortable post-pubescent ‘stache going on. But whatever. He’s Michozzaely Oscksons son! Let him and his fine black lip hairs be free. VERDICT: Cute children who will make for very interesting adults. We look forward to it.

[via Splash]

We Expected More From Caroline Manzo

Posted: 19 May 2011 09:51 AM PDT

The Real Housewives are terrible people. They just are. It’s a law of nature. But if any of them are to be commended for being something less than reprehensible (because they’re basically mean, trite, and obsessed with platitudes, helping suffocate feminism in exchange for perpetuating the myth of ladies as hyperemotional, bitchy harpies), it’s Caroline Manzo. The voice of reason and mother hen on The Real Housewives Of New Jersey, Caroline has come across as a well-rounded, well-spoken, tough Mama who works a real job and raises kids with level-headed sensitivity.

Oh sh*t. Ugh, no no no. Why oh why has Caroline gone and designed a line of handbags? Nobody wants that! Oh man, and she even “showed” them at a so-called boutique that looks more like the dressing room at Marshalls? This is no good, guys. And then she splays herself out on a weirdly-placed leather coach, where she’s literally covered in a pile of her handbags? UGGGGGGGGH.

It’s a sad day in Franklin Lakes, you guys.

[via Stoopid Housewives]

– Eliot Glazer

This 90s NBC Promo Is The 90s-est Object Ever Discovered

Posted: 19 May 2011 10:16 AM PDT

As a connoisseur of all things 90s, I’ve greatly enjoyed watching 90s things age over the past decade and earn their own distinct decadinal identity (it’s a word now), just as 10 years ago we all could’ve watched The Lost Boys and agreed “Wow, this is so 80s.”

So what makes something “So 90s”? I was in the middle of writing a lengthy list of quintessential 90s characteristics, but as we all know, a video with Michael Richards flying around in animated starland is worth a trillion 90s-words, so instead I’ll just post this video — unearthed by an eagle-eyed Videogum commenter, this may in fact be the 90s-est thing I have ever seen:

This may in fact surpass the current co-champions of 90s-ness, the Airborne poster and the opening credits for the movie Delirious:

Sorry, dudes. Opposite of tubular.

Ladies And Gentlemen, Meet Your Two And A Half Stars

Posted: 19 May 2011 10:01 AM PDT

Ashton Kutcher is pretty much an expert at getting the last laugh.

He snagged Demi Moore, a walking Madame Tussaud exhibit who somehow defies the laws of nature and might be an IRL Benjamina Button. He landed his role on That 70s Show after his very first audition in Hollywood, without giving a single HJ. He even tricked America into thinking that trucker hats were cool. (Yes, it was him.)

And now look at this hot SOB of a man-boy. Tweeting photos of himself as part of the new and improved cast of Two and Half Men, doing all the things Charlie Sheen can no longer do: Fool around, have fun cast-only inside jokes, secretly drink, collect a paycheck. Once again, Ashton Kutcher gets the last laugh. And the worst part? He gets to tweet about it.
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