Best Week Ever |
- Justin Bieber Gets Trick Photography Pantomime Fondled
- Here’s Lady Gaga On Leno. Oh, 12 Minutes Just Went By.
- How To Sneak Into New York Fashion Week
- FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: The 53rd Annual Grammy Awards
- Apparently Nothing On TV Is Real
- Let’s Fix This Rihanna/Drake Photo
- Those Of You Wondering Whatever Happened To Tia Carrere…
- Really Cool Science News: You Can’t Get Pregnant In Space
| Justin Bieber Gets Trick Photography Pantomime Fondled Posted: 15 Feb 2011 07:58 AM PST Sometimes things come together just right in a photo, and it makes it looks like a sheepish, skull-capped Justin Bieber is getting his biebers tousled.
This camera angle is being so immature. Obviously, there’s nobody to feel bad for here because this is not a real thing. BUT! If there were someone to feel bad for, it’s the guy on the right. The other guy is the one doing the not real manhandling, but his face isn’t in the picture. The guy on the right, however, is fully visible and now, through no fault of his own, his face is associated with dragging Justin Bieber through an airport by the kid’s kid-junk. Thanks, Splash News.  |
| Here’s Lady Gaga On Leno. Oh, 12 Minutes Just Went By. Posted: 15 Feb 2011 07:23 AM PST Here’s the number one pop star in the world appearing on the number one talk show in the country. Aaand I just tuned out. Is anyone saying anything? I see Lady Gaga, I see Leno, but my mind isn’t comprehending that something is happening right now. I just heard “disenfranchised” – is she on a tangent about Civil Rights Era voting districts? Wait, “Sometimes it’s just wonderful to celebrate life and kind of go to church with it?” With what, that song? Wait, that was twelve minutes? What just happened? (via ONTD)  |
| How To Sneak Into New York Fashion Week Posted: 14 Feb 2011 03:22 PM PST Last week, my friend Piper Weiss of the Yahoo blog Shine asked me if I’d join her in a crucial human experiment to determine whether it’s easier for a man or a woman to sneak into New York Fashion Week. Being the fashionphile and bold anarchist that I am (no words in this statement are true, including “that”), I immediately agreed. Below is our triumphant story, along with some tips on how to go about sneaking into Fashion Week yourself, should you ever DAAAAAREEEEEEEE (the extra E’s stand for “it’s actually pretty Easy.”) You can read Piper’s recollection of the events here. Before we embarked on our guerrilla assault to shake up the fashion galaxy this morning, we contacted an industry insider (who I think was either some girl Piper knew or the actual Anna Wintour, I forget), who gave us Three Quick Tips on how to make ourselves seem Fashionably legit: Tip #1: Dress The Part We were told to “Dress like we lost our minds.” I decided to take a more elementary approach, using one simple accessory to turn myself from “Blogger wearing an ok dress shirt because he hasn’t picked up his laundry which is full of his regular clothes” into Dr. Fashiono McLiterallyKarlLagerfeld:
Boom! Fashion’d. Piper took a more elaborate, vaginal approach:
Out of our way, New York City – we have a STYLE TRAIN to catch! Fortunately, a homeless dude was playing Facebook Scrabble with 9 uniformed rats across the street, so we didn’t attract any attention. Tip #2: Write For A Fashion Blog Rather than risk a security guard having actually read my BWE.tv nonsense and instantly ruin me with a pepper-spray-shooting taser, I was prepared to tell people I write for the prestigious FashionJizz.biz, and deride them for calling themselves fashion experts without having heard of our regular “Jizz The Biz!” feature. Unfortunately, this never came up. Tip #3: Use An Accent The only three accents I can reliably stick with are Cartoony-British, a vague European accent that turns into Bruno after three words, and a Pittsburgh accent (grounds for instant dismissal). I prayed it wouldn’t come to this, especially because FashionJizz.co.uk just sounds ridiculous. Our initial excitement about mocking Fashion Week culture began to give way to common-blogger “oh yeah, we’re actually giant wusses” trepidation as we approached the massive stone monolith where Mercedes Chimps gather to hit things with bones:
We passed the first line of outdoor security with nary a “‘ello guvnah!” and entered the main Fashion Week hub, which was, ironically, a mundane and thoroughly unfashionable collection of assorted merch tables. We saw… Skinny Pepsi Cans:
DHL, the most STYLISH way to send notarized legal documents to that forlorn lady:
And a display for the all-new Mercedes Horse:
It gets 1.2 horsepower! It’s a slightly strong horse. Finally, after beating around the bush (brought to you by L’Oreal), Piper and I decided to make our move for the 11:00 Carlos Miele show. I decided I’d attempt to get in first, and chugged a free probiotic pomegranate container-of-too-many-words for liquid courage:
Here was my plan: Back when I snuck into R-Rated movies in high school (behold my DARING history), my friend Jack and I would always walk up to the ticket seller and I’d open by asking “If my friend is 18, he can buy both of our tickets, right?” They’d invariably say yes, and Jack (who was much taller) would buy two tickets and they’d never ask to see his ID, since we’d thrown them off with a confident, peripherally-related side-question. We’d be seeing The Thin Red Line in no time (SCANDALOUS! Those shots of nature ravaged by war are like BOOBS!) Applying that same principle of “ask unrelated question,” I just asked the Fashion Show pass-checker if I had to throw my Pepsi away before I entered the runway room, and he said “yeah,” and I proceeded past him towards a garbage can. He stopped me, though, and asked to see my credentials, which of course I didn’t have, but before I panicked and spat out “Bloody ‘ell! Never heard of FashionJ…” I simply told them that I was with VH1 (kind of true, and I did have a VH1 backpack) and that we only got three press credentials and the people from VH1 News had them, and I was supposed to go meet them inside. The man then directed me to the security guard, and I told him the same story, and he responded “What show are they covering?” I instantly forgot the designer’s name, and all I could think of was “Carlos Mencia” (he’s designing what we’re all thinking!!!), but instead I responded “All of them.” I showed the guard my ID and he removed the rope so I could join the line entering the room, though he reminded me to throw away my skinny pepsi can so I wouldn’t whip it at the models or whatever. Success!
I texted Piper to inform her of my relatively simple triumph, and a few minutes later, she texted back that she also managed to get in — she explained afterward that she just walked towards the pass-checker people while pretending to be on her cell phone and gave flustered, bitchy “you’re distracting me” looks to anyone who tried to get her attention on her way in. After all that planning and daily 8-hour, $50,000 sessions with Matt Damon’s diction coach from Invictus (which Piper tried to convince me was somewhat on the excess), we both simply managed to B.S. our way into the show without a single accent or flamboyant outburst (did I mention I had a glass of red wine cocked and ready this entire time? I should’ve.) A hush fell over the crowd as Fashion Statler & Waldorf cleared the runway…
The show began, and as someone who’d never witnessed a fashion runway scene in person before, believe me when I tell you that it is more exactly what you’d expect than you’d ever expect. Technoey “this song was clearly only written for fashion runways” songs were blasting as nonchalant, sideways-Nano-thin models strolled down the catwalk, each one looking more the same than the one before her in some weird perpetual motion machine of sameness. They did courteously throw in one Asian girl, though, just so you could keep track of how many times the models repeated.
I initially felt selfconscious about taking flash photos of the models, until I realized (much like my similar experience at Comic-Con) that every person in the room was filming them with like seven cameras apiece. I think the models were even filming themselves, just like, holding huge DVX cams with boom mics sticking out of them pointed in front of their own faces while they walked. If al-Quaeda had set up a new headquarters ten feet above the runway in the middle of the show, no one in the room would’ve noticed (unless someone’s camera accidentally bumped someone else’s camera slightly upwards). The entire thing couldn’t have lasted more than ten minutes, though the time went by quicker because I couldn’t stop singing “Fash-ion Week, Fash-ion Week” under my breath to the tune of the thumping techno. Here’s some brief video proof of my triumph, as well as my elaborate but unused Plan B: Conclusion: Basically, if you want to sneak into New York Fashion Week — especially the Carlos Mencia show — it’s not particularly difficult regardless of your gender. Just be confident, have a plan, and be ready to reference some sort of known publication or tv network or friends of yours who are already inside the room, and as long as you make it evident that not letting you in will be far more annoying for all parties concerned than just saying “whatever, enjoy the 10 minute fashion show that is every fashion show ever,” you should be fine. Some of you may be thinking, “But Dan, this doesn’t prove anything – maybe they only let you and Piper in because you’re both so amazingly attractive and blindingly charming?” Hm. I suppose you people are correct, actually, it had to have been that. Disregard all tips. And thanks everyone for all definitely thinking that! I’m humbled. Don’t forget to read Piper’s Triumphant Story. If any of her facts conflict with mine, just assume she made everything up.  |
| FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: The 53rd Annual Grammy Awards Posted: 14 Feb 2011 12:57 PM PST
COMING THIS SUMMER TO A THEATER NEAR YOU: BRUNO MARS IS “TINY INDETERMINATE RACE ELVIS”
HANDSOMEST BOSTON TERRIER SINCE THIS GUY
MOST SLIMMING
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN A MAFIOSO F*CKS A DISCO BALL
MOST TERRIFIED ICE FISHERMAN
SWANK YOU, COME AGAIN
MOST EFFICIENT SWIFFER
PERSON I WISH WOULD THANK ME AS HIS PREGNANT GIRLFRIEND ON STAGE
WHAT ZOMBIES MASTURBATE TO
JUST HAPPY TO BE THERE
KATRINA, OUR CHEF, IS REALLY COOKING IN HER SCARF AND SHE’S WHIPPING UP EXCITEMENT IN HER BOOTS. THANK YOU KATRINA. THANK YOU KATRINA.
WE HAD TO MAKE THIS GIF JUST TO CLEARLY POINT OUT THE COMPARISON Hereby concluding the greatest GIF in Internet History. #thankyoukatrina
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT THE WORST THING ABOUT THIS PHOTO IS?
LOCATION WHERE ONE CAN EXPECT TO FIND USHER’S HAND IN THIS PHOTO
WALKING “TRUE GRIT” SPOILER ALERT
BEST COUPLE
[Photos: Getty Images  |
| Apparently Nothing On TV Is Real Posted: 14 Feb 2011 01:20 PM PST Obviously, there are a lot of special effects used in TV shows, but this video compiled by Stargate Studios is going to FREAK YOU OUT. So, that just ruined every television show that is on air right now. And it sort of seems unnecessary. They already have the helicopter! That’s the hard part. Just take the helicopter to the place. The only hard part about getting to places is not having a helicopter. We’re wasting valuable green screen that could otherwise be donated to the kids. In the space immediately below, please imagine a picture of children that are in someway downtrodden with a speech bubble that reads, “Green screens, please.” I would just go ahead and make it, but you guys know how it is with pictures of downtrodden kids and Photoshop jokes. People get sad/mad. Thanks, Reddit.  |
| Let’s Fix This Rihanna/Drake Photo Posted: 14 Feb 2011 12:44 PM PST During the Grammy Awards last night, Drake and Rihanna performed together. While it was overtly sexual, Drake did not actually sing directly to Rihanna’s ass for the whole song. It’s really fun to imagine he did though.
But, hold on. Rihanna’s stance looks strangely familiar. Anyone getting a Coppertone Baby feel? Let’s fix this picture with some amateurish Photoshopping.
There we go. If you want to see a video of the whole performance, you can do that here. (Coppertone Baby not included.) And if anyone out there wants to do a better Photoshop job than I did while asking Dan 600 Photoshop questions on G-Chat, please feel free to email it to me and I will post your much more competently edited picture.  |
| Those Of You Wondering Whatever Happened To Tia Carrere… Posted: 14 Feb 2011 09:48 AM PST
Yes, she of Wayne’s World and True Lies fame, Tia Carrere took home a Grammy last night for Best Hawaiian Music Album. Seriously! It’s not even her first Grammy, she also won in 2009. We are happy for her! We have video footage of Tia singing ahead. You guys… she’s great. Between this and Dana Carvey hosting SNL, looks like they’re having the Best Shweek (Month) Ever.  |
| Really Cool Science News: You Can’t Get Pregnant In Space Posted: 14 Feb 2011 09:37 AM PST
“Baby… baby. Baby! Baby– Shh, baby. It’s cool. You can’t get pregnant in space.” – Teenage Space Boyfriend. How great does space sex sound? The two main problems with earth sex are babies and gravity, and space takes that junk right out of the equation. I bet NASA is now starting work to develop new high five techniques. Conversely, let’s also discus how awful it would be to try give birth with no gravity. That would be horrifying. The delivery room would look like the inside of a lava lamp.  |
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