Friday, May 6, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Kitty Collision Video Mimics Sound Ovaries Make While Watching It

Posted: 06 May 2011 08:15 AM PDT

Title pretttttttttttttttttttttty much says it all. KITTY COLLIZH. Two kitties. COLLIDING. I meannn….

It’s kind of like the Oscar winning movie Crash but roughly 1,000,00022493 better.

Goodbye BWE, It’s Been Fun!

Posted: 06 May 2011 09:20 AM PDT

This is my last post on BWE.tv. I have always said that I would stop blogging about pop culture either when we caught Bin Laden or when my H.R. mandated time limit for freelancing was up — whichever came first. It turns out they both happened on the same week.

Anyway, you can still read things I write on my own blog: www.noahgarfinkel.com or follow me on Twitter: @noahgarfinkel. I use both of those platforms to mainly write about commercials or how I accidentally brushed my teeth with cortisone cream.

I have greatly enjoyed my time here at BWE.tv with Michelle, Dan, and Sarah. They are — all three of them — very funny people who are excellent at g-chatting; I will miss working with them. I have also very much enjoyed the wonder that is blogging from home. It’s so great! In case you were wondering what it’s like to have this job, I have made this following reenactment of every post that has been published by any blogger from their home. It is my goodbye present to you.


So, imagine that every time you read a blog post. Goodbye, everyone! I like you!

Gabe & Max Like The Internet – Episode 2

Posted: 06 May 2011 09:16 AM PDT

Happy Friday! We’re not exactly sure where you are, but it’s a beautiful day here in New York City. Let’s face it, nobody wants to be in the office on Fridays, but as long as you’re stuck at your desk, we figured we’d help you kill off a few of the minutes before you can get your weekend started with the latest episode of Gabe & Max Like The Internet. This week, Gabe Delahaye and Max Silvestri break down a myriad of topical topics that run the gamut from the Fox anchor who casually announced the death of President Obama (what, you didn’t hear?) to Gloria Allred casually handsexing a baseball bat. Take it away, gents!

THIS WEEK’S VIDEOS
USA 4-Wheeler [YouTube]
Baseball Press Conference [YouTube]
Yoops Of The Week: President Obama Is Dead [YouTube]
Tech Talk: Kissing Machine [YouTube]
Chair Dancing [YouTube]

LATEST OBSESSION: 4-Hour-Old Alpacas

Posted: 06 May 2011 07:51 AM PDT

Eauuuu Myyyyy Godddah. Nature’s most necky animal, the dear Alpaca, has always rubbed us just the right way. Tiny little mouth, gigantic jet-black orbs for eyes, and a long, carpeted neck that pivots to and fro. After the goat, they’re really up there.

And when an alpaca is only FOUR HOURS OLD? Well you can pretty much bet that it will be the cutest darned thing you’ve every seen. The only… only thing I can imagine ruining such a sight would be, I don’t know, if a serial killer would whisper sing the Barney’s “I Love You” song. But thankfully, that’s not going to be a problem here oh for God’s sake–

Seriously he looks like a baby Flava Flav! NO SONG CAN RUIN HIM. He is divine.

(via Stephen Lenz)

A Horse Is A Horse, Off Course, OFF COURSE!

Posted: 06 May 2011 07:45 AM PDT

The Kentucky Derby may not be until tomorrow, but I doubt we’ll see a more captivating photo than this pic from an Australian steeplechase course — if a picture is worth a thousand words, I’m guessing about 800 of these words are crowd members yelling “HOLY!” and “SH*T!”:

To be fair, they were sitting in the “Horse Splash Zone” seats, so they should’ve known what was coming. Then a sea lion drank a Diet Pepsi and jumped off a high dive to the tune of “Party in the USA,” dousing them with freezing blue diseasewater. All in all, great horserace.

(via Deadspin)

10 More False Reports About The Osama Bin Laden Raid

Posted: 05 May 2011 03:10 PM PDT

The White House recently corrected their initial reports about the Osama Bin Laden raid, clarifying that Bin Laden was not armed as originally reported, that he did not use his wife as a human shield, and that his wife was only shot in the leg and not killed.

Now, nearly a full week since the incident went down, the White House is still issuing corrections to erroneous initial wrong details — below, here are 10 More Reports About The Osama Bin Laden Raid that turned out to be false:

1. Volumes 1, 2, and 5 of the Glee Soundtrack were confiscated, not the Glee DVDs as originally reported.

2. Bin Laden did yell “Sey ‘ello to may littal friend!” but his impression was 10% less accurate than initially reported.

3. “Koran” by Bin Laden’s bed actually Eat, Pray, Love audiobook.

4. Bin Laden not actually wearing giant “NOT BIN LADEN” novelty sombrero.

5. “Elaborate cockfighting ring on premises” actually Netflix disc of The Fighter.

6. Reports of Jaleel White’s death upon hearing the Bin Laden news were true, not an internet hoax as originally believed.

7. Bin Laden Kindle used primarily for throwing at people while yelling “I am Osama Bin Laden,” not crossword puzzles.

8. Bin Laden’s wife was not actually the Second Gunman on the grassy knoll in the Reelz Channel miniseries The Kennedys.

9. Bin Laden was found in Canada, not Pakistan.

10. Pop rocks and Coke do not actually make you blow up, as The White house initially reported in a severe tangent.

Even Death Metal Singers Do Their Scales

Posted: 05 May 2011 12:09 PM PDT

The following video is really, really funny. It’s also very moving, because it never crossed my mind before this that even death metal singers have to do warm-ups like the rest of us (I sing these posts) — they can’t just hop onstage and be all “Shredded Humans”ing it off the cuff. It’s a very layered video, like Matt Dillon’s character in Crash (he’s racist AND he has a dad).

Death Metal Scales = New Favorite Thing:

(Thanks, Matt B!)

Yes, That Was Me On Top Chef Masters

Posted: 05 May 2011 11:51 AM PDT

Ladies and gents, I have lived the dream. THE dream. The only dream. I was a taster on Top Chef Masters, thanks to my friend Ben Mandelker, aka B-Side Blog. The two of us descended upon Santa Ana, California a few months ago, where this super top secret episode was taping.

And leave it to us, we managed to be tasters during the Fast Food Challenge, where master chefs were forced to cook their food in a fast food kitchen. I’ll be honest, the anticipation for ordering nearly killed me:

But then apparently, according to people who caught the episode, I ordered with “konfidence” and “klass”:

So for those of you wondering: Yes, it was the experience of a lifetime, namely because I met Curtis Stone, who was wearing a lambskin jacket so soft that I nearly slapped it on the grill and called it a lunch. But as far as the food is concerned…. it was only “aight.” Truly, what you’re watching them eat on TV, it’s not as good as you probably think it is. And I thank God to the high heavens that they never showed me actually eating, because lord knows I was wearing a grease beard for at least 3 straight hours…

Anyway, I can’t tell you how thrilled I am at the fact that my Bravo debut features me ordering a Steak Quesadilla and Fish Taco! No, really, not even kidding, I have lived a dream. Next stop? Be one of the contestants on Sheer Genius. They are gonna LOVE my work!

A Comprehensive History Of Cinco De Mayo

Posted: 05 May 2011 11:00 AM PDT

There’s something strange about blindly celebrating a holiday about which you know nothing. It seems only fair that if you are going to use a day as an excuse to party, you should at least have some basic information about that day’s history.

In that spirit, let us present to you this video that very competently explains all that is Cinco De Mayo. Produced a few years ago, this comprehensive history of the holiday can be a useful tool in classrooms.

Good luck tonight, you guys. And remember: If you’re going to drive drunk, don’t do it! #IneffectiveSlogans

Thanks, Space Ghetto. (Visit the site at your own peril. For the most part, It’s terrifying.)

Meet The New President Of The Fox Network

Posted: 05 May 2011 10:38 AM PDT

Here’s an albino baby fox that just got out of the fox hospital:

AGHGHGHHHH!!! That!!!!

The picture’s description is even more craze-inducing:

“This is Casper, an extremely rare white fox cub who has been nursed back from the verge of death by staff at St. Tiggywinkles wildlife hospital in Buckinghamshire, UK.”

SAINT TIGGYWINKLES????? There’s a hospital in Britain that nurses baby foxes back to health and it’s called SAINT TIGGYWINKLES. Named after Tiggywinkles, the saint of healing baby animals? Retirement home: PURCHASED. I’ll sort out the details when I get there.

Two more ACTION SHOTS of the new Fox president after the jump:

(pics via Splash)

You All Know Bristol Palin Didn’t Have Plastic Surgery, Right?

Posted: 05 May 2011 10:09 AM PDT

Sometimes a friend of yours will put a picture of you on Facebook, and when you see it you’ll think, “Whelp, I sure look like a different person who is a big weirdo in that picture.” You know why that happens? BECAUSE YOU LOOK WEIRD A LOT! Sometimes it’ll look like you’ve lost weight when, in fact, you’ve just gained a jacket. Sometimes you’ll look like an 8 year old when, in real life, you just went to Super Cuts. Then there are angles and lighting and shadows. You probably look weird most of the time. Have you ever tried searching for a usable picture of a celebrity on the internet? It’s terrible. You can’t find a picture of Bruce Springsteen that actually looks like Bruce Springsteen because Bruce Springsteen, like you and everyone else, looks weird a lot.

Yesterday, a picture of Bristol Palin started going around the internet in which she looks, you know…weird.


So, inevitably people have started wondering if she got some plastic surgery done on her face. The same thing happened with Bristol’s mother, Sarah Palin, back in June when people thought she got breast implants. At the time, I made the same argument:

I'm no breast expert, but one of the few things I know about them is that sometimes they look bigger than they do at other times.  That's how you end up sleeping with your friends.  There was no brand new chemistry the two of you felt that night at the bar; the female one of you just wore a halter top.  That's how that works.

So, please. Let’s stop this whole genre of thing where, when somebody applies different makeup or puts on a new dress, we ask if they had surgery. It’s much more likely they just look weird.

And, frankly, it is immensely unfair to keep putting people in a position where they have to defend the Palins. No one wants to have to do that.

Palin image from Buzzfeed.

Andrew Garfield Stars In “Dat Ass Gif”

Posted: 05 May 2011 10:00 AM PDT

Spotted on the set of The Amazing Spider-Man is Andrew Garfield leaning over in his Spidey suit.

Not to be outdone… DAT ASS:

[Photo: Splash News]

TRAILER MIX: Conan The Barbarian Has A Lot Of Grunting Men

Posted: 05 May 2011 09:28 AM PDT

Here’s the trailer for the latest medieval epic, Thor Without Sponsored Motorcycles Or Whatever. It features a bunch of swords, roaring, and a big squid thing that Conan has to barbarize/defile.

Sorry for the halfassed description, I’m not really in summer-movie mode yet, and I better get there quick — it’s like when college football suddenly starts in early September and you can’t comprehend that what you’re seeing counts already. Summer’s just not the same when you’re not in school — you just continue having your job, but it’s hot.

Conan trailer:

Also, if you were planning on seeing this with your parents when you’re home the weekend this comes out and figure it’s a simple, unobjectionable enough summer movie to watch together, just be ready for some grunting:
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