Thursday, May 12, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Dwight Howard Is Having A Rough Offseason

Posted: 12 May 2011 09:14 AM PDT

Here’s Orlando Magic star Dwight Howard at the Disney Hollywood Studios in Florida high-fiving fellow gargantuan but harmless creature Chewbacca:

Whew! Nice to see that just two weeks after Orlando got knocked out in the first round of the playoffs, he’s already back on the Wookie-schmoozing beat!

Not that all athletes who don’t win a title should sit in an empty gym pouting while the one leaky pipe in the corner drips rhythmically, as much as all dads would prefer that to be the case because players totally did that in the old days, but we’re still not gonna miss an opportunity to laugh at a photo of Dwight Howard high-fiving Chewbacca in a Disney promotion just two weeks after yet another abrupt playoff exit. Hey, look at him high-fiving Chewbacca! Laughter. See?

After the jump, an additional pic of Dwight Howard and Chewy, Huge Laughin’ Budz:

If Howard understood the Wookie for “One foot out the door,” he might not be laughing this courteously.

(pics via Splash News)

What Could Will Smith Possibly Be Keeping In His Trailer?

Posted: 12 May 2011 08:17 AM PDT

Will Smith is filming Men In Black 3: We’re Still Doing This? in New York City, and a big stink has been made over his trailer, a two-story, 53-foot-long, 22-wheel truck nicknamed “The Heat,” nestled tightly along a street in the already-cramped neighborhood of SoHo. Locals complained about exhaust fumes and the strain it took on business, so Big Willy was banished by the Mayor to a private lot (never mind that his alleged apartment on Bond Street is literally blocks away from the set).

So what could Will Smith be keeping in his trailer that reportedly costs $9,000 a week?

  • Like, a million balloons
  • Osama bin Laden’s corpse
  • Elephants (for riding, not the circus or anything)
  • Ranka** farts
  • Willow Smith’s wigs
  • Will Smith’s ego
  • A skateboarding park
  • Vats of soup
  • Both Aunt Vivs

– Eliot Glazer

Cats Now Smarter Than We Are

Posted: 12 May 2011 07:31 AM PDT

After years of using Internet videos of kittens for our own amusement (not that I’m guilty of it myself), it looks like cats have finally started fighting back!! And by fighting back, I mean literally forcing us to open their food containers so they can eat it and glare at us while we watch TiVo.

You know, I actually wouldn’t mind if my cat did this to me, because then I could teach it to do other things, like type, and then this blog would be entirely written by cats as VH1 had originally envisioned.

(via Reddit)

Judge ‘Razzes’ Child Molester, And It Is Somehow More Awkward For The Judge

Posted: 12 May 2011 06:24 AM PDT

“I think you were born gayer than a sweet-smelling jockstrap”* and “I must have looked ravishing in my prom dress” are two things that you would usually reserve to say to a convicted child-molesting bus driver in private, right? Not so, according to a Wisconsin judge who fashions himself a very forward-thinking, potty-mouthed version of Judge Judy.

Weirder yet, he speaks graphically about the defendant’s d**k when referring to the homophobia of yesteryear, the kind of societal shunning that might cause an ashamed, closeted gay guy to allegedly go after kids — which, for the record, is not how that works, because exclusively linking pedophilia with gay men is unfounded and archaic.

Nevertheless, it is his courtroom, and if he’s going to trot out the best one-liners this side of an Elayne Boosler HBO special, we can’t stop him.

*How does he know?

[via Videogum]

– Eliot Glazer

What Can’t Levi Johnston Un-See?

Posted: 12 May 2011 06:10 AM PDT

Levi Johnston “wrote” a book called Deer In The Headlights: My Life In Sarah Palin’s Crosshairs, presumably a memoir about how he accidentally made a baby with the daughter of Professional Famous Person Sarah Palin, and how the Grizzly Hockey Mama Or Whatever challenged his I.Q. by being all, like, “Pretend you’re in this for the long haul because I’m going to be President of the World!”

On the book’s cover, Levi gives the most expressive facial expression he will likely ever give, so good for him for finding something he’s good at. But, we wonder, what is making Levi look so perplexed? On the short list, some guesses include:

  • Diapers
  • Sarah Palin’s personal tanning bed (that is real)
  • His Playgirl spread (“Aw man, no d**k?”)
  • Bristol’s new face
  • Angry caribou
  • A text from his agent reading: Dancing w Stars said no ):
  • A text from Bristol reading: U up? Wanna make BABY #2??? (:{
  • Boobs

[via Buzzfeed]

– Eliot Glazer

Scotty McCreery Met Lady Gaga, And We Kinda Wish She Kicked Him In The Nuts

Posted: 12 May 2011 06:11 AM PDT

Last night on American Idol, Scotty McCreery (who, for the record, is apparently okay with going by “Scotty,” like he’s a terrier) welled up with tears during an Alan Jackson song, where he commemorated 9/11 with the lyrics, “I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you the difference in Iraq and Iran.” Yyyyeah, we know they sound alike, but they are, in fact, two different countries. Like Minnesota and Missouri, but countries. Different. Places.

Then he sang “Young Blood,” a Lieber & Stoller classic that Scotty turned into a sort of goofy, children’s-entertainer jamboree, his limbs all a’janglin’ and his hands barely caressing that microphone like a piece of corn. And that stupid, stupid grin. That cocky, arrogant, li’l-ol’-me? face that somehow elicits gushing from the crowd, the judges, and Ryan Seacrest, who anointed the kid with the weird term “Scotty The Body.” Exactly what body is he talking about?

The highlight of the evening, for us at least, was seeing Scotty mentored by Lady Gaga. Unlike the Idol judges, whose creative criticism doesn’t extend far beyond “Learn who you are!” and “Be in it to win it!” Gaga took a vested interest in helping enhance each contender’s performance with actual suggestions, telling Scotty that he should adopt some sex appeal by pretending he’s — GASP! — kissing a lady!  A real, live lady!  In fact, Gaga scared the smirk right off of Scotty’s face, forcing him to kiss the cross around his neck and mutter, “Lord, this is not my doing.”  ::Shudder:: Isn’t that, like, a line of dialogue reserved exclusively for Tyler Perry‘s Madea?

While most of the chatter about the night will surely focus on how the judges essentially sh*t on Haley Reinhart for singing a boring Michael Jackson song (albeit quite well), we secretly wished that this morning’s national conversation hovered around the sight of Gaga kneeing Scotty dead in his McCreery. Can we get an AMEN?

[via PopEater]

– Eliot Glazer

The 40 Classiest “Osama Is Dead” T-Shirts

Posted: 11 May 2011 01:33 PM PDT

In the one week first milliseconds after the death of Osama Bin Laden, “Osama Is Dead” t-shirts flooded the internet and rickety tables outside sporting events alike, in some cases earning their creators literally hundreds of thousands of dollars.

To pay homage to this rare but wonderful marriage of two things I love — the fall of Bin Laden + irredeemably terrible Boardwalk shirts — we’ve compiled this list of the most genuinely patriotic, levelheaded, and inspiring shirtwork to come out of the Osama aftermath with this list of The 40 Classiest “Osama Is Dead” T-Shirts:


40.

Wouldn’t this mean France technically killed Bin Laden?


39.

This shirt will never age.


38.

Might’ve been more convincing if I didn’t want to spoon Obama Squirrel forever.


37.

Should he “rest” in Hell, or just like, be on fire there? Mixed messages.


36.

That bottom picture is actually just stretched OJ from a leftover “Can The Juice” shirt.


35.

Finally, a shirt that truly conveys the enormity of this accomplishment.


34.

Press Your Luck Whammy has been waaaaaaiiiiiitinnnnnnnnggg….


33.

They changed “Witch” to “Vicious Pig” then changed Osama into a witch? Poor communication between the “Phrase” and “Guy” Changing Departments (they’re on separate coasts).


32.

Those Navy Seals are truly as heroic as a bowl of Stairway To Heaven-peno Poppers.


31.

Another headshot!


30.

If Pakistan stands behind this dude in a roller coaster line, ZING!!!


29.

More adorably than I would’ve put it, but, you know, diff’rent strokes.


28.

They got this shirt made before the “human shield” story got disproven two days later. That’s called SERVICE.


27.

Yeah!!! F that fish!!!! We’re supposed to be mad at that fish right?


26.

PFFFFFT, Obama – always busy with his red circles.


25.

One million terrorists, you mean, right? You do mean terrorists?


24.

Oh you’re not out of the woods yet, DISCO.


23.

Ahhh, I kept reading that as Navy “SEALS”, never saw the G.


22.

I want a shirt that conveys my hatred of Osama as well as my love of precise nautical depths!


21.

Surprise! But there IS an underground fireworld.


20.

The two scenarios are downright identical.


19.

Well done, P.T. Barnum!


18.

Remember that song from forty years ago about shooting?


17.

An excerpt from the Webdings Character Map.


16.

Here’s some facts!


15.

Nice to see the creator of Ziggy hasn’t lost a step.


14.

That raid is all the more impressive when you consider the soldiers were shooting one-handed while carrying giant flags.


13.

Wait wait I got another one: Osama Bin TIGERBLOOD.


12.

PLEASE tell me this is a reference to that David Spade SNL sketch.


11.

Personally, I blame Osama Bin Laden.


10.

And another thing, these Chinese people?? Their names sound like throwing silverware down the stairs!


9.

Knowledge… knowledge that the Indiana Jones movies were a thing was their shirt treasure…


8.

Remember when this happened?


7.

Whoa whoa whoa… I don’t know if the U.S. Navy Seals are quite as brave as those dudes on Syfy.


6.

I can’t believe this was originally an Elizabeth Taylor shirt.


5.

Classic line from The Goshdaddy.


4.

Nothing more insulting to a dead terrorist than confusing the f*ck out of everyone.


3.

…she came?


2.

Babies have no idea who Osama is or what his death means. They only know which college football teams they root for.


1.

Nailed it.


(pics via Zazzle.com)


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Regarding The Real Housewives Of New York City, Herb Gets It

Posted: 11 May 2011 11:39 AM PDT

Herb Cohen is a retired Professional Negotiator who worked for the CIA, FBI, and the Federal Justice Department. He helped craft the governmental response to the Iranian Hostage Crisis and the highjacking of TWA Flight 847, and he was involved in the Camp David Peace Talks.

Now, he’s a Jewish retiree from New York living in Florida. Somehow, he got roped into watching The Real Housewives Of New York City, and is addicted (granted, this is regarding last season). He has learned nearly every facet of the show, but watches the women with the understanding that they are all pretty terrible. Dude hates The Countess LuAnn (as he calls her). He thinks Bethenny Frankel is lying about her father’s death. And, actually, he loves Bobby Zarin.  (And he thinks Alex’s name is Alec, as in Baldwin, which is amazing.)

Everything you wanted to know about The Real Housewives Of New York City but didn’t want to ask, Herb Cohen will tell you. If you thought Michelle Collins‘s mom, Judy, was the only sharp-tongued Jew in Florida hungry to share her thoughts on the show, you don’t know Herb. After the jump, some choice soundbytes:

  • “We like people who make us feel good. These people, with their pathetic lives, makes us feel…superior.”
  • “What they call ‘communication’ is nothing but intersecting monologues.”
  • “I’m telling ya, Bethenny, the guy’s dead. I read it in The New York Times.” – re: Bethenny’s father
  • “Bobby [Zarin] is normal. He is, by far, the closest thing we have to a human being.”
  • “Jill messed up by putting on the speakerphone when the Countess, LuAnn, was present.”
  • “Three of these people have actually written books, which I find quite amusing.”
  • “If [Alex's kids, Johan and Francois] are asked their names, they should say, ‘Nick’ and ‘Tony.’” - re: growing up in Brooklyn
  • “These women don’t even understand what they’re doing.”
  • “They’re going nowhere, and they don’t even know they’re going nowhere. It’s like a fish. Does the fish know it’s in the water?”

– Eliot Glazer

Neil Patrick Harris Reclaims Tonys, My Heart

Posted: 11 May 2011 08:42 AM PDT

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s finally happening. After a lackluster showing by Sean Hayes last year, this year’s Tony Awards will be hosted by Neil Patrick Harris, so now I’m poised to recreate the best night of my life by buying a new cocktail dress, popping a bottle of the finest, cheapest champagne and watching the Tonys on TV Skype-ing with some of my best friends. You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this.

Oh, wait, only I do know… Two years. I’ve waited two years for this. Never Forget 2009:


K. I’m off to hibernate for a month. See you then!

This Guy REALLY Likes President Obama

Posted: 11 May 2011 10:14 AM PDT

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new meme. Some guy met President Obama and went all Jim Jay Bullock on him, extending his wrist like the regal thing he is, while also giving his best OMFGGGFace.

The photo was taken at a Democratic National Commitee event in Austin, Texas, on Tuesday, where this guy even slide his glasses up onto his head so that he could get a look at our handsome Prez. In the words of the fallen Manila Luzon, “Girl, WERK!”

Naturally, you can find our stupid Photoshop projects after the jump:

[via HyperVocal]

– Eliot Glazer

Haters Gonna Hate, But We Still Have No Clue What This Dude Is Saying

Posted: 11 May 2011 11:25 AM PDT

Did you know people still use MySpace? We thought it was just for music now, but apparently people like So Exclusive use it to refute the haters or something? Granted, there are a lot of hatin’ fake-ass *****s and ******s online, always ready to hate. In the words of So Exclusive (quoting Nicki Minaj), these haters are some “itty bitty piggies,” so there go you.

So Exclusive, who is a model or something?, has “real” fans, too, and he just wants to let them all know what is real. And what is real is basically surreal, because, honestly, we don’t understand a word this guy says. Some things he might be saying in the NSFW video (which you can watch after the jump) — although we have no way to be sure — include:

  • “Warfare”
  • “Viggo Mortensen”
  • “Fakeass bitchass ******”
  • “Paging”
  • “Hanes Her Way”
  • “Get your weight up”
  • “Teepee”
  • “London”
  • “Sinbad: It’s Just Family”


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