Friday, May 13, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Grade School Zombie Movie Far More Adorable Than The Walking Dead

Posted: 13 May 2011 08:35 AM PDT

Here’s a group of 2nd and 3rd Graders from the Urban Arts Partnership in New York performing their own zombie short film, entitled “Zombie Blues!”

While most zombie stories revolve around people desperately clinging to their humanity in the face of a global zombie takeover, this film focuses on the oft-unexplored but equally powerful concept: What happens when zombies get lonely?

I think we can all agree that the zombie-dancing and hand-drawn graveyards in this movie are both truly on par with any of George Romero’s zombie-dancing and hand-drawn graveyards:

Adorablest zombie thing ever!!!! Possibly tied with 28 Days Later. That crow scene? Nahhh, I give the edge to this.

Zombie Critics agree: “An adorable brains for the whole brains!”

Don’t Tell Mr. Roku To Do His Homework

Posted: 13 May 2011 07:05 AM PDT

We already showed you the biggest kid in the world this morning, so how about we shift gears to The Coolest (not that obese children aren’t awesome, but that’s just not the primary concern).

Lots of kids are cool (cue: me in a trenchcoat and fedora, tip-toeing away from a playground). But then there are those like Mr. Roku — a child who actually goes by “Mister” — who is a Japanese child and wrestler, lucha libra style.

The little guy somehow wipes the floor with grown-ups, which makes him both awesome and a babysitter’s nightmare.

Video after the jump:

[via Dangerous Minds]

– Eliot Glazer

Charlie Bit My Finger: The Terrifying Remake

Posted: 12 May 2011 02:55 PM PDT

Director Jeff Chan has adapted the classic viral video “Charlie Bit My Finger – Again!” into a terrifying, zombie-filled short film as part of the 2011 CFC Worldwide Film Festival. Just as a heads up, this version is slightly, sliiiightly (like .3%) more intense and graphic, thought it seamlessly adapts the aunt-emailing adorableness of the original into rampaging, bloodthirsty undead monsters.

I’m just glad that for once, I actually read the source material before the movie came out. The last time that happened was, like, the first twenty minutes of the first Lord of the Rings movie:

Amazing! It’s practically a shot-for-shot remake:

Original:

Horror Version:

Uncanny. Or should I say, Un-DEAD-canny? The can in that joke is also dead, so it’s like a hextuple pun.

(The High Definite, via Gorillamask)

This Jew’s ‘Wonton’ More From His Asian Constituents

Posted: 13 May 2011 06:00 AM PDT

Dan Adler is a Democratic candidate from California, hungry for a seat in the state’s 36th Congressional District. He’s also hungry for Moo Shoo chicken, kabuki performances, and picking up his dry cleaning. What do those things all have in common? Asian people!

In fact, Dan Adler’s wife is Korean, which apparently makes it okay for him to rally Asian voters by shooting a campaign ad in which he courts a sassy dry cleaner dressed like the love child of Rue Maclanahan and Kim Jong Il. “You’re Jewish!” she alerts him in her signature tongue, reminding him that he should be scarfing down potato pancakes instead of making small talk with her.

John Kerry had Bruce Springsteen. Barack Obama had Stevie Wonder. Dan Adler? Dude’s totally got “Chopsticks” on lockdown.

[via The Awl]

– Eliot Glazer

The Daily Mail Would Like To Introduce You To The World’s Fattest Kid

Posted: 12 May 2011 12:16 PM PDT

Suman Khatun is a six-year-old girl from West Bengal, India, who weighs roughly five times more than she should, according to The Daily Mail. They also came up with some very necessary statistics to describe Suman:

  • She eats mud when she her parents refuse to feed her
  • She will eat 15 biscuits and ten bananas “just for an afternoon snack”
  • She weighs as much as “two Kylie Minogues” and “one Great Dane” (which, incidentally, makes up a “Dannogue”)

Suman’s mom says her daugther is hungry “all the time and all she does is cry. I don’t like seeing my daughter so sad so I feed her. What am I meant to do?”

Normally, we would suggest Mom say no so that her daughter can, y’know, live? Maybe take a walk? But before we go that far, we realize there’s definitely someone who’d like to “weigh in,” if you will, on her young competition.  Donna Simpson, show us how it’s DONE:

[via The Daily Mail]

– Eliot Glazer

Why Are Some Celebrities So Annoying About Their Engagements?

Posted: 12 May 2011 03:12 PM PDT

On today’s Best Morning Ever, I decided to delve into a late-breaking celebrity trend that is beginning to grate the nerves. I refer to celebrity starlets who have gotten engaged but insist on playing coy about the topic with the media — celebs such as Rachel McAdams and Kim Kardashian (sorry, “celebs.”) Thankfully, there is one young actress who has the courage to get drunk, say “F*ck it,” and say yes to the press. And it turns out… she’s having the Best Morning Ever! To find out who, and watch me lose my face over said topic, watch the video below.

**For the record, my own Mother told me I “move” a little too much in this clip, so know that things will get less sea-sick next week. See? Almost (real age here) and it still feels like I’m on Toddlers & Tiaras, only I’m like a little girl plagued with the same disease Robin Williams had in the movie Jack. I mean the screen cap alone… I can’t. So pop those dramamines and enjoy!**

Don’t forget to tune into Vh1s Big Morning Buzz Live with host Carrie Keagan every day at 9:30 AM LIVE!! (No really, I wake up before dawn for it, so you should watch!)

Man Runs For Congress On Rudy Platform; Gets My Vote

Posted: 12 May 2011 03:10 PM PDT

Dan Adler is a gentleman running for Congress in California. And, as we know, the quickest way to get elected in the country’s second most penile state is by having major celebrity friends. Which is probably why Dan Adler recruited maybe the BEST SMALL ACTOR IN HISTORY to help secure him some votes. That actor being Sean Astin, whom you might know as Samwise Gamgee, or the son of Patty Duke IRL, or most importantly, RUDY RUETTIGER.

And Mr. Adler didn’t just stop at getting Astin’s endorsement. Nope. He made him reenact an entire actual scene out of the movie Rudy. As seen here:

Well. There really is only one thing to say, isn’t there Roc?

(Via Richard Blakely)

This Lady Likes In-N-Out Burger More Than You Like Anything

Posted: 12 May 2011 01:14 PM PDT

Here’s some footage from the Dallas Morning News about a new In-N-Out Burger opening in the Frisco, TX area. Seems sane enough, right? Bunch of people happy that In-N-Out Burger opened in their town, and everyone’s just having a nice, regular ol’ Burger Buy And Eat (BBaE).

Fools. Your fleeting, fairweather affection PALES in comparison to the undying In-N-Out love of this one woman, who loves In-N-Out more deeply than I have ever loved anything, and I was raised by extremely loving parents who are puppies.

Skip ahead to the 0:58 mark to learn what true love is:

(via like nine different friends)

Here’s The WASPiest Fortune Cookie In History

Posted: 12 May 2011 01:00 PM PDT

Found by my MTV coworker Kameron Zach, here is the WASPiest Fortune Cookie Fortune in history. Don’t take this as an insult, my WASPy brothers and sisters out there — own your uptightedness! I think it’s probably a pretty healthy way to live.

TRAILER: Horrible Bosses A Crazy World of Backwards Sexiness

Posted: 12 May 2011 12:34 PM PDT

Let’s face it: pretty much any movie where Colin Farrell plays a sexy Irishman and Jennifer Aniston struggles to reclaim her ’90s sex appeal has to be good, so I’m excited about the upcoming Horrible Bosses. In it, Jason Sudeikis has to deal with his mean, unkempt boss while Charlie Day is sexually harrassed by his own super-foxy superior.

But hol’ up a minute.

HOL’. UP.

Colin is playing a greasy old man with a comb-over?

You know what, I’d still take him. Or anyone in this star-studded cast. Even Kevin Spacey. (Whispered: If he’ll have me.)

The movie also stars Jason Bateman with K-Pax Spacey as his boss, in an on-screen relationship that either has nothing to do with innate sexual tension or absolutely everything to do with it. Let’s pop this last sentence into @michcoll’s translator aaaaaaaaand: Yes. I will see it.

(via /Film)

83-Year-Old Cartoon Characters Reunite

Posted: 12 May 2011 12:09 PM PDT

As a blogger of celebrity-related content, there’s no more satisfying feeling than seeing two old Hollywood chums pose together on the red carpet, especially when they’ve been together in show business since the very beginning of cave paintings like Steven Tyler and Mickey Mouse.

Their reunion is going to be even more touching during Steven’s next season of American Idol… click through for an exclusive pic!

Just tell me they’ll never close the Rock ‘n’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith at MGM. Just tell me they won’t.

(photos via EW)

Mystery Woman Gives Blind Man Enema, Leaves

Posted: 12 May 2011 12:04 PM PDT

Ahh, another case of the ol’ go to a blind man’s home and give him an enema and then leave trick — CLASSIC enema-ing:

The 53-year-old Californian man answered the door to a woman who claimed she was there to give him an enema.

As the man had recently undergone intestinal surgery, he assumed the visit was part of his rehabilitation and allowed the woman into his home to perform the procedure.

The woman took him into the bedroom, had him drop his trousers and lie face down on his bed, before performing the enema in less than two minutes…

The investigating officer contacted the man’s doctor and was told that an enema had not been prescribed, ordered or approved.

OHHHHHH, SNAP! You just got ENEMA’D!!!! And that word just got a 12-episode order from Fuel TV.

Actually, someone talking their way into my house and giving me an enema is my absolute #1 fear. Well, “fear” might be too strong a word — more like, “Thing I hope happens.” Fantasy? Yeahhh, that’s the one.

World’s Worst Person Is ::Drumroll:: A Mother Who Injects Botox Into Her Eight-Year-Old’s Face!

Posted: 13 May 2011 09:01 AM PDT

“My mom is 34, and she really likes when I do pageants, which I’m okay with and stuff because I get to dress up all pretty and cup my hand like I’m a princess and stuff? But sometimes, she makes my face hurt when she puts needles in it and pumps it full of in-ject…in-ject…in-ject-i-bles? She says that it’s so I don’t have wrinkles, even though I’m eight years old and she won’t tell people where she gets the Botox goop that she puts in my face probably because she doesn’t think I’m pretty enough (I guess? What other possible conclusion would I ostensibly make as an eight-year-old?), she is still a TOTAL PROFESSIONAL! I am definitely in good hands, and am being bred for a really well-adjusted upbringing.

It’s no big deal that my mom put me on national TV, either, showing me — again, a child — in an extremely vulnerable position, bruised from a painful procedure meant exclusively for Real Housewives and soap opera actors. You see the way she is basically breathing down my throat as the blond lady asks me questions? That’s because she’s a great mommy! She lets me skip on my feet (see the B-roll), except that hurts after MY MOM WAXES MY PRIVATE PARTS.

My mommy also uses the term ‘doctor scene’ to describe the world she must inhabit to get her grubby hands on injectibles she plans to use on both herself and me. My mommy isn’t a doctor, either, but she should probably be arrested, right?” — Britney Campbell

[UPDATE: Mom is being investigated by Child Welfare Services! Um, DUH?]

[via Buzzfeed]

– Eliot Glazer

WTF, DSW?

Posted: 12 May 2011 10:24 AM PDT

Jezebel‘s Jessica Coen went shoe shopping at DSW. Fair enough. That’s where you go for shoes when you aren’t “cash poor,” a term I’ve only recently discovered, and that is literally one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. Anyway, girl just wanted some new, sweet kicks to wear around town because a lady likes her shoes (said Carrie Bradshaw at some point, I bet).

Anyway, when she got there, she thanked the good lord she wasn’t epileptic, since apparently DSW has decided to pretend they live in that area of Las Vegas where epileptics are prohibited from entering (a.k.a. EVERYWHERE) (p.s. my mom is epileptic, but that’s not the reason we never went to Vegas) (but that is also a reason we would never go).

DSW put up a sign — in bright, flashing lights! — that is, like, a visual mating call to Liza Minnelli and a deterrent for anyone who likes to not be vision-impaired. Dim your screen and ENJOY THE RIDE:

– Eliot Glazer

 

Gabe & Max Like The Internet – Episode 3

Posted: 12 May 2011 09:47 AM PDT

No, your calendar isn’t wrong, it’s not Friday yet. “But,” as you’re surely asking yourself, “then how come I’m seeing this week’s episode of Gabe & Max Like The Internet today? Is it Opposite Day or something?” Well, dear readers, the answers are simple: No, it’s not Opposite Day, and the simple fact of the matter is that we just couldn’t wait until tomorrow to show you Gabe Delahaye and Max Silvestri’s latest hilarious take on the magical world of internet videos. In this week’s show, the duo discuss their thoughts on flash mobs (specifically, flash mobs at amusement parks involving pregnant ladies), shady record executives with wall safes, why it’s important to employ proper breathing techniques while performing, and much, much more.. Enjoy!

THIS WEEK'S VIDEOS
Instrument Show Off [YouTube]
Flute Man [YouTube]
Pregnant Flash Mob [YouTube]
Death Metal Vocal Performance [YouTube]
Dinosaur Hunts Tricky People [LiveLeak]

‘Vito Bonafacci: In Search Of Truth’ Is A Real Movie, Possibly ‘The Room, Part 2′

Posted: 12 May 2011 09:28 AM PDT

In the words of Sophia Petrillo, Picture it: Last week. AMC Loews Village 7, New York City. The boyf. (JEALOUS?) and I go to finally see Source Code since we’d heard very good things and read positive reviews. The lights dim in the movie theater, and the first trailer begins to play. It is one of those melodramatic trailers where the self-awareness is so potent that you just know the movie is going to be — surprise! — a comedy.

But the serious tone continues, and it becomes unsettling. The orchestral strings. The gauzy lighting. The staid, detached acting that was so bad, it just had to be a tongue-in-cheek joke drenched in meta, Tim And Eric-style visual acrobatics. I look around feverishly, desperately hoping that I wasn’t having a stroke. What wasn’t anyone else laughing? Was my jaw the only one on the floor, in awe of a movie that is basically a poor man’s schizophrenic hobo’s, 90-minute-long episode of The Sopranos in which the title character, Vito Bonafacci, meditates on Catholicism? IS THIS REAL LIFE?

Well, turns out Vito Bonafacci: In Search Of The Truth is real. And it’s sponsored by Perillo Tours (no duh).

The web site is not from 1996, contrary to what your eyes see. And the movie’s publicist has an aol.com e-mail address. We’re just waiting patiently for Tommy Wiseau to pop out behind the “sexy gardener” to assure us that this is, indeed, merely part of his canon, and Vito Bonafacci will soon be prime material for midnight showings in which rowdy co-eds will toss spaghetti at the screen.

Or not.

And the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress goes to herrrrr:

– Eliot Glazer
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