Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

What Is Happening To Lady Gaga?

Posted: 17 May 2011 08:50 AM PDT

After much fanfare for her new album, Born This Way (which will be released next week), the singles and leaked tracks from Lady Gaga‘s upcoming album have proven, stylistically, very confusing. As soon as “Born This Way” dropped, everyone accused Gagsy of ripping off Madonna (personally, I do think it resembles “Express Yourself,” but the song has grown on me, in its weird, ethereal glory) (also, the video is just f*cking rad as all get-out).

The title track was soon followed by “Judas,” “The Edge Of Glory,” and now “Hair” (and the just-leaked “Marry The Night“). Maybe we’re alone here, but these songs are just so…odd. Not in the cool, performance-art way, either, that Gaga executes sartorially. “Born This Way” does a pretty great job of marrying 90′s power pop with spacey, echoing downbeats and Gaga’s signature spoken-word refrains, but “Judas,” “Hair,” and “Marry The Night” are — of all things — super Jock Jam/La Bouche-y. And the ballads “You And I” and “Americano” are very much by-the-book, so…they’re fine.

And while we can’t turn off “The Edge Of Glory,” it might be because it sounds like Celine Dion covering Mike & The Mechanics, with a seriously hilarz sax breakdown that sounds like Weird Al snuck into the studio. We love it, but it’s ridiculous to think that it’s an actual Lady Gaga song. It’s like the song was written for a Nickelodeon movie, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s insane to think that Lady Gaga sings about “dancing in the flames” in 2011.  …Right?

So what is happening here? Of course, musicians should and do develop their music and expand into new territory. But Gaga has already received a fair share of flak for her strange foray into an unpredicted, weirdly retro (by “weird,” we mean “retro = 90′s”) sonic terrain, despite very good sales on her new tracks, which essentially sound nothing like “Bad Romance” and “Poker Face.” Do you like Gaga’s new stuff? Will you buy her album?  Sales look anything but bleak, but we’re wondering if this “Nu GaGa” has struck others as weird-in-a-weird-way, too.

– Eliot Glazer

TRAILER MIX: Does Tintin Look Super Stylized, Or Super Terrible?

Posted: 17 May 2011 08:39 AM PDT

Here’s the trailer for the new Steven Spielberg / Peter Jackson quasi-animated feature The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn. I was a big fan of the Tintin books growing up, even though they’re obviously a tad lame and a taddier dated, but it’s hard to make an accurate judgment of how the movie is handling the property because the trailer really doesn’t show much; there’s a plane crashing, a ship crashing, a car not crashing, and like one second of actual Tintin.

Maybe it’s a Jaws sort of deal, where you don’t actually see Tintin until really late in the movie? Or maybe they made the film then realized that liveaction-CGI hasn’t progressed enough since The Polar Express and it still looks more stupid than stylized (see: plane crash at 0:44), so they’d prefer to show as little of the dumb-looking humans as possible and instead promote the names “Steven Spielberg” and “Peter Jackson” really big at the beginning? You make the call:

Ehh, hard to say. All I am sure of is that when people order their tickets, they will definitely say “I will have one ticket for The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret of the Unicorn, please.”

Oh, So THAT’S Why They Call Him Harrison ‘Good Times’ Ford!

Posted: 17 May 2011 09:06 AM PDT

Just kidding. They don’t call him “Harrison ‘Good Times’ Ford.” They call him “Harrison Ford” because he is just like his name sounds: a strapping, alpha male action hero (we’ll forget about Morning Glory).

But Harrison’s become somewhat of an old coot in Hollywood circles. I mean, if anyone is going to be considered an “old coot,” it’s definitely going to be the Vice Chairman of the Board of Directors of Conservation International. That’s Harrison’s title, which he wore proudly while attending the 15th annual Los Angeles Dinner benefiting Conservation International.

Oh, and Kung Fu Panda was there, so someone was like, “Harrison! Be a sport and pose with a giant cartoon bear! Seriously, do it for the Conservation International!” And Harrison was like, “Uh…yeah, I’m not gonna… Okay, we’re doing this, are we?” ::Serious Cough:: Alright. Check out this …fun, FUN stuff.” ::Serious Cough::

– Eliot Glazer

Someone Made A Kid’s Toy Swear, Uploaded It To YouTube [NSFW]

Posted: 16 May 2011 09:45 PM PDT

I don’t have babies, but it is obviously a very hard job. It must become so difficult that the sound of baby toys becomes just insurmountable. Bells and whistles and giggles can all take their toll on a new mommy or daddy, especially when their life becomes nothing but that (and also: burps, poop, pee, farts, crying, bottles, feedings, pumping, and a lack of sleep) (can you tell I recently visited a new mother of twins?).

Well, somebody got their hands on a kid’s toy, a telephone with light-up numbers that says the name of the number as your press the dial. Someone also realized that, if you press the buttons fast enough, Simon-style, you can make it curse! HARDCORE CURSES!

It’s so stupid. Good morning! (Video NSFW):

– Eliot Glazer

Diving Turtle Captivates Bored Masses At Golf Event

Posted: 16 May 2011 02:45 PM PDT

Here’s a large turtle pondering whether or not to take a dive at the Players Championship in Florida over the weekend, much to the delight of a very, very captivated crowd of golf-and-turtle-diving enthusiasts.

I attempted to refrain from making another hacky “golf is boring” joke in the title — especially since I love watching golf in HD, because I feel like I’m stalking someone else’s vacation — but when a crowd gathered to watch your sport is this wildly entertained by a turtle’s inner-monologue, I think even the softest golfclappers among us have to admit that the sport is pretty damn boring.

Slightly less boring? The end of TURTLE ALIEN 3:

(via Deadspin)

Ed Harris As John McCain: WOULD YOU HIT IT?

Posted: 16 May 2011 01:59 PM PDT

Here’s our first look at Mr. Always Sexy No Matter What (right?) Ed Harris portraying 2008 presidential candidate, Senator John McCain in Game Change, an HBO movie based on a book about McCain’s run for prez.

Now we know y’all love Ed Harris under any condition, but we have a feeling this might push some of you to “lockin’ them thighs up” territory. So, the question we would like to pose… Ed Harris as John McCain: Would You Hit It?

Find my answer ahead.



**~~**~~YES I WOULD**~~**~~

Family Radio, The Web Site That Promises Saturday’s Apocalypse, Is Very Cool

Posted: 16 May 2011 12:01 PM PDT

Did you hear the news? The world is ending at 6:00pm EST on Saturday!!! There have been some very levelheaded people trapzing around New York City warning us of the oncoming disaster. In fact, my friend, comedian Bex Schwartz reminded me (so I can set my alarm accordingly) that earthquakes will erupt in every time zone at the same time! She even pointed me to the really well-done, very trustworthy web site of the brilliant minds behind the fun stuff: Family Radio (just because the content hasn’t been updated since 1997, you can be sure they know that the end is nigh).

That gorgeous graphic above features a very timely countdown clock, as well as horns, flags, and a guarantee from the Bible that we are doomed! Doomed, you guys! Family Radio also warns us that the end is near because gay people would prefer not to be persecuted for dating and stuff. In fact, says Family Radio, thanks to the stupid “worldwide successes of the Gay Pride [and] same-sex marriage movement, God has given convincing evidence that the world is on the threshold of Judgment Day.” THANKS A LOT, THE GAYS! YOU’RE LITERALLY DESTROYING HUMANITY WITH YOUR FILTHY KISSES!

Anyway, I am gay, too, but I’m going to take a break from my constant, evil man-sex (and making sure my dog is taken care of when my homosexual Jew heart disintegrates into soot or whatever) to tap creaky prop comic Gallagher so that he can help you figure out what to do if you happen to be driving on an interstate on Saturday at 6:00 PM.  RESERVE YOUR HELICOPTERS NOW!

Good luck getting your car giant rubber bands before Saturday. Otherwise, I’ll see you in Hell! Peace out!

IT JUST POPPED IN THERE: The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man S’more

Posted: 16 May 2011 12:08 PM PDT

It’s borderline criminal that the internet has been around this long without someone coming up with the following product (you’re all under IDEA ARREST), but someone has finally the turned lovable, destructive Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from Ghosbusters into a s’more:

It’s made out of clay, so it’s not actually edible, but now that the Marshmallow-Man-S’more barrier has been broken, the mass-produced edible ones can’t be far behind. Either that, or other equally random bits of Ghostbusters nostalgia will just keep appearing on the internet every couple days and we’ll be amused by them and it’ll repeat until the end of our lives or the internet, whichever comes first. I for one plan to take the internet down with me when I go out, but I only speak for myself.

Winston Zeddemore…BURGERS. Make it happen! NEXT!

(Reddit, via The Daily What)

GIRD YOUR LOINS: The New True Blood Teaser Is Here

Posted: 16 May 2011 09:16 AM PDT

Here’s the teaser for the next season of True Blood, premiering June 26th on HBO. What can fans expect on this fourth season? Well, there’s the customary neck-biting scene, requisite orgasm scene, the obligatory “Serious Speaking in Southern Drawl” scene, and the “Wait, why is Anna Paquin talking like that? Where is she from?” scene. But now it looks like they’re going to add witches into the whole mix! So that’ll be fun. Oh also?

Alexander Skarsgård

No font is big enough for this man. Frankly, I don’t even watch True Blood, but I have a feeling this will be the most powerful 30 seconds some of you out there will experience today.

In Defense Of Osama Bin Laden’s Porn Stash

Posted: 16 May 2011 11:08 AM PDT

One week after getting shot twice in the face and having his corpse thrown in the ocean, Osama Bin Laden suffered the ultimate defeat: His personal porn collection was discovered by Navy SEALs and became front-page news –

Before we rush to make jokes about Bin Laden masturbating to a secret al-Qaeda porn collection — and we will — let’s take a second to clarify exactly what it means that Osama Bin Laden looked at porn. Here’s three things to keep in mind:

1. There Is Nothing Shameful About Porn. Nothing.

The NY Post tries to frame Osama’s porn stash this way:

And it’s another confirmation of the moral depravity of the king of fanatics — a barbarous old lech who hid his head when karma came calling.

Holy sh*t, no it’s not! Porn is an example of OSAMA BIN LADEN’S “moral depravity”??? That’s like saying Hitler’s love of Sousa marches is just another example of his “characteristic bad taste.”

EVERYONE LOOKS AT PORN. Porn isn’t an example of anyone’s moral depravity, especially not a person who’s already a human definition of moral depravity with a long scraggly beard made up of moral depravity strands sewn together on a morally depraved sewing machine. It’s not an example of anything other than another human being wanting to look at porn.

Not only does everyone watch porn, but everyone knows that everyone watches porn; acting shocked and morally insulted that another human being has a stash of pornography is far more twofaced than Bin Laden being faux-religious but secretly watching porn videos. Plus as we all know, religious people need porn just like the rest of us.

Not only that, but I’m sure the person writing this Post article had like seven windows of porn open while they were writing it, and kept having to stop writing for a sec to figure out which banner ad was making the distracting orgasm sounds so they could mute it. Also, that “Amazin’s Blast Past Astros” headline? Everyone on both those teams looks at porn constantly.

2. Anyone Looks Like A Creep If You Go Through Their Porn

Anyone’s pornographic browser history (or stash of physical porn, for those of us who have the misfortune of being camped out at Pakistani compounds without highspeed), is just automatically gonna make that person look like a f***ing creep. How could it not? Even if it’s like super tame, run-of-the-mill, non-crazy-fetishy porn, you’d be like “Wait, this dude was into super tame run-of-the-mill non-crazy-fetishy porn? What an unadventurous weirdo.”

Bringing someone’s porn out into the open is no different than if you looked through someone’s Facebook browsing history, which would automatically make them look like the stalkeriest stalker that ever stalkered. It doesn’t mean that they secretly want to sleep with that picture of some high school friend’s trip to Rome, it just means they thoughtlessly clicked on a photo a couple times because they were doing work and seeing an image is better than a few seconds of working.

Just because these things aren’t usually made public doesn’t mean that they’re automatically creepy the few times that they do become public, like when your girlfriend uses your computer, types the letter “D” and your browser instantly suggests 900 porn sites, or when you accidentally click “Like” on a picture of your friend’s sister then “Unlike” it real fast but now you both have that between you forever. Pretending like we don’t all do these things is, again, a far bigger collective lie than Bin Laden secretly keeping a stack of porn videos.

Were they VHSes? I hope they were VHSes.

3. If Anything, The Porn Stash Almost Makes Me View Bin Laden As More Human

Personally, I’m glad to learn that Bin Laden had a stash of porn. It doesn’t make him seem like a bigger monster, or a bigger hypocrite, it just makes him seem completely and almost comically vulnerable. Now we know, definitively, that the sinister head of al-Quaeda also had those nights where he couldn’t really sleep but it was already 3 so he just kept trying then he finally cracked and went to the porn stash then afterwards still couldn’t really sleep but now felt a little worse about himself.

It’d be like finding out that Bin Laden secretly loved My Cousin Vinny. On a totally philosophical level, one could try to make the strained argument, “So this hater of all western culture actually indulged in a piece of said culture, thus making him a huge hypocrite!” But really, we’d all just be thinking “Who doesn’t love My Cousin Vinny?”

The porn stash discovery just reminds us once again that Bin Laden wasn’t some mythical, invincible “Oz” presence — he was just another dude who watched porn. Porn VHSes. So he could masturbate to them. In his secret hideaway compound. Where he and his stash of porn VHSes were hiding.

Now can we please get an update on his Facebook browsing history?

BEST MORNING EVER: Who’s Got Boobs And Fire And More Boobs?

Posted: 16 May 2011 09:33 AM PDT

Our Best Morning Ever Correspondent Gabe Liedman took to VH1′s Big Morning Buzz Live to let us know just who in the Hollywood kingdom is having the Best Morning Ever. The answer can be found when you take a cupcake and multiply it by a unicorn phallus… that’s right, she married to Russell Brand and has her own “brand” of “talent.” It’s KATY PERRY!!!! But why? Watch and learn.
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