Thursday, March 3, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Jimmy Fallon Sums Up All You Ever Need To Know About Charlie Sheen

Posted: 03 Mar 2011 09:28 AM PST

Yesterday I made a vow. To myself, to all of you, to not talk about Charlie Sheen. I made some pretty great puns. About having Sheen enough. So, I would like to apologize for posting this video, mostly to myself. Dear Sarah, I apologize. However, I’m breaking this vow of shileence* because Jimmy Fallon, doing a spot on impression, effectively sums up all you ever need to know about Sheen. It’s like the Cliff’s Notes of Sheen. So, watch this and learn everything you need to know, and like you did with Moby Dick in high school, fake your way through discussions, knowing the basic plot points.

Much like Tina Fey’s first impression of Sarah Palin, there is absolutely no need for him to do anything rather than use 96% actual quotes from Sheen. Now forget about Sheen and go read Moby Dick. I’m reinstating my vow.

* Sheen+silence=shileence. Least effective pun so far.

Popeater

This Kid Is Just Way Too Aggressive About Pop Tarts

Posted: 03 Mar 2011 08:04 AM PST

A group of kids at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh recently won the “What Would You Do With A Million Pop Tarts?” contest by pledging to make a series of art installations out of Pop Tarts. Here’s a video of one million pop tarts being delivered to the winner and another guy who is really, microphone-destroyingly excited about Pop Tarts.

So, that answers your question about what it’s like to be way too aggressive about Pop Tarts. You didn’t ask that? Someone asked that. Are you sure? Well, save the answer to that question away for a rainy day, when you decide to ask it because it’s raining:

Hold The F*cking Phone: Chad Michael Murray Drops “Michael” From Name

Posted: 03 Mar 2011 08:37 AM PST

Serious Actor Face

Chad Michael Murray covers the April issue of Troix magazine. In it, Chad Michael Murray says that he learned a lot on the set of One Tree Hill. Chad Michael Murray also states that it’s his dream to one day work with Darren Aronofsky, Martin Scorsese and Terry Gilliam.

Hold on, let me just take a sip from my mug of tea.

Chad Michael Murray also says that he’s dropping the “Michael” from his name-SPIT TAKE-HOLD THE F*CKING PHONE CHAD MICHAEL MURRAY! You can’t just drop the Michael from your name! Where would we be without our double first named former teen heart throbs? From Jonathan Taylor Thomas to Sarah Jessica Parker? If you think this will make you a more serious actor, think again. It’s your Michael that defines you, CdoubleM. Or should I call you CM. I won’t. Listen, RZA and GZA are never going to call you “Chad Murray” in a charming and hilarious way. That’s reserved for Bill Murray. You need these three names. They work as a team. When one member of the team drops out, the whole name falls apart. Do you see what I’m saying? THERE IS AN M IN TEAM!

Please take my words to heart and reconsider.

ONTD

Bill Maher Completely Predicted The Charlie Sheen Thing

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 01:38 PM PST

Throughout this latest Charlie Sheen ordeal, as the entire internet scrambles to compile specific-ass Charlie Sheen Tumblrs and Charlie Sheen quizzes and Charlie Sheen quotes laid overtop Family Circus and New Yorker cartoons, I couldn’t help but remember an old interview with Brad Pitt on Real Time With Bill Maher, in which Maher calls Pitt one of those celebrities who “cannot do anything that will make America not like you,” and compares him to Charlie Sheen.

I went back and found the Real Time interview from August 14th, 2009, and I have to say, Bill Maher summed up America’s invincible opinion of Charlie Sheen with scary accuracy:

Maher’s exact words to Brad Pitt:

“You cannot do anything that will make America not like you.. There are some people like that, you know… Charlie Sheen, I love Charlie he’s a friend of mine, and I always kid him, I say ‘You could beat a nun to death on a pile of dead puppies’ and America would just go ‘Oh that Charlie, we love him, he’s a scamp…”

Not sure Maher could’ve possibly foreseen how eerily correct he would end up being, but hey, here we are laughing at the quotes of a drug addict who plead guilty to assault six months ago because they’re overtop Ron Swanson screengrabs. So, yeah.

Rolling Stone Cover: Is That A Rocket Between Your Legs Or Are You Just Snooki To See Me?

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 01:12 PM PST

That title makes about as much sense as having Snooki on the cover of Rolling Stone. But, we live in a crazy, tiger blood* world. Things don’t make sense.

Don’t get me wrong, I like this cover. I do. Except I think they got the angle wrong. It should look like this:

America’s love affair with Snooki. Strange Love indeed.

*This will be my last reference to Charlie Sheen. I’m sick of it. I’ve Sheen it all. I’m done. He should be Sheen and not heard. The only reason I would keep talking about Sheen is because I keep NAILING all these Sheen puns.

2011 POWER COUPLE: Charlie Sheen And Betty White Together In 1987

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 12:46 PM PST

Here’s a photo of Charlie Sheen and Betty White together in a 1987 issue of Life Magazine. Who would’ve guessed that these two stars at the time would, in the year 2011, be producing 90% of our internet energy?

I really want to hop in a time machine and go back to this picture and tell them “You’re gonna be EVEN MORE FAMOUS about a quarter century from now on a thing called the Internet Kthxbye!” and Charlie Sheen will be like, “Hrm – My trips are getting gayer.”

Only a matter of time before the internet starts a “Get Charlie Sheen To Host SNL Campaign” never mind found 7,000 of them before I finished this sentence.

(via Life Magazine)

This 1987 Smooth Jazz NBA Commercial Hasn’t Aged A Bit

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 12:07 PM PST

Here’s an amazing late-80s commercial for the NBA featuring a series of intense highlights and celebrations all in slo-mo and set to a fittingly intense smooth jazz soundtrack. Clearly the NBA of 1987 set its marketing sights on Boz Scaggs’ fanbase, and boy did they ever succeed — today, you literally cannot think of the NBA without thinking of Boz Scaggs and vice versa.

This ad actually won 5 Grammys for Christopher Cross even though he wasn’t involved:

Smoothest part of the commercial? Coach Smoothie over here:

(via Deadspin)

Clean-Up In The Family Planning Douches Aisle

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 09:46 AM PST

This photo, taken by Stuckey & Murray (of Fuxedo fame) at a Brooklyn Rite Aid, really hits the douchey nail on the head. Now, you can buy your Elmo coloring books and douche in one conveniently placed aisle! God bless America.

The 10 Most Frequently Paused Movie Moments Of All Time

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 10:32 AM PST

/Film draws our attention to this interesting list compiled by LOVEFiLM, a European Netflix service that recently collected votes from its 1.6 million subscribers to determine the most frequently-paused single shots in movie history.

The resulting list is a perfect crystallization of nudity and nerdery that makes almost too much sense to make sense. Here’s the full LOVEFiLM list of the All-Time Top 10 Most Frequently Paused Movie Moments:

10. Nicole Kidman rear-end flash – Eyes Wide Shut (1999) – 1%

9. Pacman cameo – Tron (1982) – 2%

8. Dust spells out 'S.F.X' – The Lion King (1994) – 3%

7. Captain America's shield appears on desk – Iron Man 2 (2010) – 4%

6. Brad Pitt flashes behind doctor in hospital – Fight Club (1999) – 5%

5. Jessica Rabbit goes commando – Who Framed Roger Rabbit (1988) – 6%

4. Jamie Lee Curtis flash – Trading Places (1983) – 8%

3. Stormtrooper bangs his head – Star Wars – Episode IV – A New Hope (1977) – 15%

2. Jennifer Lopez naked rear – The Back-Up Plan (2010) – 16%

1. Sharon Stone crossing her legs – Basic Instinct (1992) – 31 %

Jamie Lee Curtis in Trading Places!!! Hilarious. Also hilarious? The rest of the list. I wonder if more nerds were masturbating to the Sharon Stone moment or the famous Stormtrooper moment?

All in all, seems like a pretty honest and accurate list, although we do have to take into account that in Britain, they pause aluminum differently. The only notable omission? That scene in Little Mermaid where Ariel turns into a giant live-action penis for three minutes. My friend in Middle School told me about it.

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: Ryan Gosling At The Zoo

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 10:09 AM PST

THE LUCKIEST F*CKING PENGUIN ON EARTH


That Penguin



LEAST SURPRISING BACK ARCH


This Sloth



MOST EAGER TO BREASTFEED


This Porcupine Looking Thing



ELEPHANT TRUNK I WOULD GLADLY GIVE MY FIRST BORN UP FOR TO TRADE PLACES WITH IT FOR JUST A BRIEF MOMENT


The Elephant Trunk Being Grazed By Gosling



THE DUMBEST BIRD I’VE EVER SEEN


The Bird That Flies Away From Ryan Gosling



MOST PASSIONATE MAKEOUT


Gosling And This Horse Looking Deer Face, Who Is Gagging For It



MOST DEPRESSING MORNING AFTER GOODBYE


“You sure you don’t wanna grab a quick brunch?” — Fake Horse



CHIN I WANT TO SCRATCH BADLY


Ryan Gosling’s Chin (Sorry Sloth)



MOST SENSUAL FEEDING TIME


Rhino Feeding Time



MOST DEPRESSED COUGAR


“Where did Gosling go?” – Cougar


(via ONTD)
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