Best Week Ever

Stephen Colbert’s Full Congressional Testimony Is Awesome Dot Gov
Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown: Welcome To Lick-A-Lick
A Full Length Jurassic Park Musical Is In Existence
10 KILLER Dexter “Murder Pun” Ads (Kill)
10 Celebrities Who Weren’t Too Sexy For Sesame Street

Stephen Colbert’s Full Congressional Testimony Is Awesome Dot Gov

Posted: 24 Sep 2010 11:07 AM PDT

Stephen Colbert testified before a house subcommittee about his experience working one day as a migrant farmer, remaining in-character the entire time and even managing to crack up the panel with his conclusion.

Needless to say, this is the funniest congressional testimony since Oliver North. That joke mostly makes sense, right? Lemme Wikipedia real quick while you watch this:

(via Mediaite)

Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown: Welcome To Lick-A-Lick

Posted: 24 Sep 2010 03:21 PM PDT

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Ugh, this episode! Where to start with our beefs? First, how about the fact that the entire episode took place within a 24-hour span of time? Be more choosy with your scene selection, Salsano! And to save the (probably not that) dramatic fight between The Situation and Angelina until next week after using THAT VERY CLIP to promote this week’s episode? We can only assume that they were running low on usable footage. Also, there’s the little outstanding issue that nothing of any consequence happened during this episode whatsoever. Blergh!

Despite all this, our fair guidos managed to deliver a few lines worth repeating. So, if you will, take a journey with us as we walk you through this week’s Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown!

10) “Angelina got it in with Vinny ‘cuz she’s a loosey goose. And then, she had sex with Jose the next day. Whore! Just sayin’…” —Snooki
Seems as if our fair Schnickers let success go to her head. After capturing the top spot in last week’s Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown (see: “The Ho Equation”), she repeated her award-winning line just moments into this episode. Just curious, is she having a laugh?

9) “Aw yeah, aw yeah. Time to wake up, I almost seen your cooka.” —DJ Pauly D
Calling all linguists (no matter your level of cunningness)! MTV’s closed caption system spelled this word as “cooka”, but I’m thinking it might actually be “cucha”? Can anyone clarify? Either way, this is one of the things we as cultural anthropologists love most about the Jersey Shore. Namely, the way that slang is interjected into the house and then rapidly spread around, much like a case of verbal gonorrhea.

8) “She’s crying? I’m not crying. The dress is too tight, maybe?” —Angelina’s Mom
Poor Angelina. We’d cry too if we had a mom that constantly busted on our weight. What is this, season one of Weeds?

7) “Did you ever get kicked in your cooka?”
“Um, no, but I have had accidents.” —Snooki and J-WOWW
Sadly for the viewing audience, J-WOWW went on to describe said accidents and they were boring as hell (like everything that comes out of her mouth, amirite?). We would’ve preferred it if she would’ve left her answer ambiguous. That way, we could’ve imagined the horrors that *almost* befell Jenni Farley’s cooch. Ten brownie points for whoever comes up with the best imagined “kick in the cooka” scenario in the comments.

6) “God only knows what’s on these, ‘cuz they were just on the bed for three hours. You got Mike’s children on there, you got my children. You got Snooki juice.” —Ron Ron
Seriously, we’re surprised that the CDC hasn’t conducted a raid on the Smash/Smush/Smoosh Room yet. Hopefully the owners of the Metropole equipped a cleaning crew with Hazmat suits after the gang exited South Beach, who knows what kind of crazy sh*t was lurking in the corners of that room. Better yet, they really should’ve just taken a flamethrower to the whole place like they did during the Black Plague. Also, Snooki juice? Ew.

5) “Welcome to Lick-A-Lick, my name is Jenni, how can I help you? Careful, that cup’s hot. Just kidding!” —DJ Pauly D
One of the things that we’ve hated the most about this season of Jersey Shore is just how god damn tortured everyone is. It’s like, c’mon people, stop being so mopey that you weren’t able to smush the hot model in the bathroom of the club, so whiny about some girl you met once didn’t want to go on a date with you and so depressed that your juicehead/cokehead boyfriend motorboated the Jell-O shot girls while you stayed at home in your PJs! Fortunately, our man Pauly D has consistently brought the comic relief to what is otherwise a fairly dire situation down in M.I.A. Somebody get this kid a job opening for Louis CK or something!

4) “If I didn’t do my GTL and take care of myself, I don’t know what I’d look like. If you don’t go to the gym, you don’t look good. if you don’t tan, you’re pale! And if you don’t do laundry, you ain’t got no clothes.” —The Situation
Speaking of “no clothes”, see #2 below…

3) “Yo, shut your mouth you dirty little hamster.” —The Situation
Hamsters ARE pretty disgusting, if you think about it. Why are these the default pets for so many kids? What other legitimate pets get that kind of enjoyment when their owner throws the cardboard part of a used toilet paper roll in their cage? We’d rather have hermit crabs. GROSS.

2) “No ropa para Situation!” —Nameless Laundry Lady
This Laundry Lady and Zoila from Flipping Out really deserve their own spin-off show. Also, the fact that a random laundry lady scored the #2 quote in the Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown is a pretty bold indicator that the cast needs to step their game up, lest the longevity of this show (and this recap format!) might be in trouble.

1) “The T-Shirt Time Song” —The Jersey Shore Cast
Anything that ends with “Cabs are here!” is good by us. Bonus points for the cast members acting like a family!

Sorry it was such a weak week, people! Hopefully next week will turn out to be a substantially better episode of televsion. Until then…
—Juice Springsteen

A Full Length Jurassic Park Musical Is In Existence

Posted: 24 Sep 2010 12:25 PM PDT

I have not fully formed an opinion about this because I have not watched the whole thing, nor do I really plan on watching the whole thing. But here is what I probably think about it:

I respect the ambition and follow-through-edness of the people who made this. I also like that this all happened in a back yard in Lincoln, Nebraska. For some reason, that makes it more charming to me. That being said… this doesn’t really seem like my kind of thing. For one, it is a musical. Musicals are not my thing. And for two, it is a one hour and 45 minute long web video. I max out on web patience at about the four minute mark.

Nonetheless, I feel like this is a monumental enough undertaking to earn a place on every pop culture blog type thing, and I feel obligated to do my part to help. This apparently first appeared on Reddit, and then on Urlesque and now here. Good luck.

Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

Part 4:

10 KILLER Dexter “Murder Pun” Ads (Kill)

Posted: 24 Sep 2010 12:15 PM PDT

Season 5 of Dexter premieres this coming Sunday, and while I can’t say that I’m an avid follower of the show, I am an avid follower of the show’s past five years of nonstop ads with “murder” puns in them. Some are clever and some are painful, but I admire Dexter for sticking to essentially the same “murder puns” ad campaign for five years with New York Post-like resolve.

Here’s a collection of 10 Dexter Murder Pun Ads over the years, in order of least to most painful. Does he kill people or something? (#1′s definitely my favorite):

10.

10 Celebrities Who Weren’t Too Sexy For Sesame Street

Posted: 24 Sep 2010 09:38 AM PDT

Sesame Street has decided not to air Katy Perry’s guest appearance, even though the clip is already online, because of reported concerns about showing her cleavage to small children.

In the interest of precedent, we’ve done some extensive research (3 minutes of Googling, 3 days in the Brooklyn Library’s microfiche room) and compiled this list of 10 other female celebrities who were deemed not too sexy for Sesame Street’s many sets of toddler-eyes. Note the distinct lack of cleavage in every instance, proving that indeed, it was Ms. Perry’s mammaries that did her in. (“Shame on you women for having those!” – David Cross)

1. Natalie Portman