Thursday, September 23, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Here’s That Steven Seagal Reggae Song You Demanded

Posted: 23 Sep 2010 08:26 AM PDT

Internet Mommmmm, I told you to wake me up when Steven Seagal releases a reggae song about oral sex!!! You PROMISED.

Now I’ve been living my life for over a year without knowing that Steven Seagal has a song called “Strut” that includes the lyric “Me want the poonani” and “Her clothes are just as pretty, they’re not just to cover her kitty.” It’s like I’ve had this time bomb of Steven Seagal awesome inside me waiting to go off all this time, and here I was thinking that the opening credits to Lawman was that time bomb.

We’re back to Year Zero starting today, people:

(via Gorillamask)

Joaquin Phoenix Returns To Letterman, Is Not World’s Worst Human

Posted: 23 Sep 2010 08:10 AM PDT

Waaaaaiitttttt aaaaa minnnuttteee… In this Letterman clip, Joaquin Phoenix doesn’t have a beard and sunglasses anymore and he seems lucid and polite and is responding to simple questions. If I didn’t know better, and daggummit I thinks I do, I’d almost think that when Joaquin Phoenix had a beard and sunglasses and kept appearing everywhere doing nonsensical raps and falling down and ending up on the internet on a daily basis with every website claiming that he’s faking, that it was some sort of JOKE.

Boom – cracked the case. Right here, right now, for the first time ever. I am now an official sleuth! Someone just handed me a detective cap, a giant magnifying glass, and a bloodhound:

Pay Witness To Jared Leto’s Glamour Shots

Posted: 22 Sep 2010 03:14 PM PDT

Hmmm, what to say, what to say? How about, “I’ve seen worse”? Or maybe “I knew Angela should’ve picked Brian Krakow“? Perhaps you could go with a simple “Thank Jeebus it’s not Jared Fogle“? Either way, this is the single greatest thing to appear on the Internet in the last three hours or so, so revel in it while you can.

[via Lindsay Roberston]

Tori Spelling And Mickey Rooney: Together At Last!

Posted: 22 Sep 2010 03:07 PM PDT

Here are Tori Spelling and Mickey Rooney at the Sirius Satellite Radio studios. In a related story, I’m calling it a day. G’night!

Legends Of Springsteen: Engagement Photo Edition

Posted: 22 Sep 2010 02:19 PM PDT

“So there we were, just minding our own business, spending some time on the boardwalk with some lame photographer that our parents made us hire so we could get our engagement pictures in the Asbury Park Press. Just when we were starting to get in the right sort of mood, we heard the sputter of a ’69 Chevy with a 396 off in the distance, then POOF! The next thing we knew, Bruce Springsteen was sitting next to us, strumming along to a song we didn’t recognize and totally hogging the bench! He asked us, ‘What’s the matter, you didn’t buy Working On A Dream after I played the title track during the Super Bowl halftime special?’, and we were all, ‘Sorry, we flipped over to the Lingerie Bowl.’

“So he proceeded to play us every song from that terrible record on his acoustic, including weird B-sides and alternate arrangements we’d never heard before. Then he started crying, blubbering something under his breath about how time slips away and leaves you with nothing, mister, but boring stories of glory days. And we were like, ‘Sorry, Boss, I guess we grew up in more of a John Cafferty & The Beaver Brown Band household, that’s all.’ He trudged away, forlorn, but the worst part wasn’t that we hurt his feelings. We were just pissed that all the good light had gone away! What a waste of $75 bucks!”

For more Legends of Springsteen!, see below:

[H/t to Blogness On The Edge Of Town via SoupSoup]

The New American Idol Judges Are Super Hot Twins

Posted: 22 Sep 2010 01:31 PM PDT

They just announced the new judges for the upcoming season of American Idol, and it turns out they got some, like, super hot Swedish twins to join Randy Johnson and Brian Seaquest.

According to the Huffington Post, those two people are actually Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez.  But… they kind of look creepily similar here, right?  Is it just me?  It’s probably just me.  But I elled out ell when I saw this picture.  Look at their faces!  Right next to each other.  Come on.  Do you at least kind of see it.  No?  Okay.  I’ll just go f*ck off then.

Jon Hamm Was Depressed? That’s Depressing.

Posted: 22 Sep 2010 02:34 PM PDT

On UsMagazine.com today, Jon Hamm talks about his struggle with depression:

When he was 10, his mother died, suddenly, of stomach cancer. And then, 10 years later, his father, whom his Mad Men character Don Draper is partly inspired by, passed away.

“I struggled with chronic depression,” said Hamm… “I was in bad shape. I knew I had to get back in school and back in some kind of structured environment and … continue.”

:_( :_( :_( :_(

BUT WAIT! It’s not all bad. Because if it weren’t for Jon Hamm’s depression growing up, we may have never gotten this:

Right? That awesome “All Nighter With Peggy” episode? Something good ultimately came from his ability to draw upon sad experiences.

Ehhh…it’s still a sad article. But he grew up to be a universally-loved actor with a great sense of humor and not an alcoholic with out-of-control masturbating children — turn that crying GIF upside down! Then I guess he’d just be crying upside down and it’d be even wackier. In that case, just stop the cry GIF.

Snooki Teaches David Letterman The Secret Ingredients That Make Up Ron-Ron Juice

Posted: 22 Sep 2010 12:46 PM PDT

Ever since the dawn of time, people have been getting drunk. However, it wasn’t until one Ronnie Ortiz Magro (aka Captain Smush) introduced a potent concoction known as Ron-Ron Juice to the world just under one year ago on the debut episode of Jersey Shore that human beings were finally able to achieve a state of mind that the Dalai Lama (or was it Carl Spackler?) once described as “total consciousness.” Being the naïve souls that we are, we once tried to achieve this state by mixing watermelon slices, cherries, ice, some cranberry juice, a few splashes of Body Heat by BODman cologne, a teaspoon of indoor-tanning lotion, Peach Schnapps and some Nonoxynol-9 into a blender and hitting the Frappé button, but all that ended up getting us was a wicked hangover and itchy pubes. Fortunately for us, during an appearance on the Late Show With David Letterman just last night, Snooki was kind enough to provide us the recipe for the magical potion known as Ron-Ron Juice. Quite simply, it consists of “vodka, watermelon, cherries, blueberries and maybe some Jäger.” Mystery solved!

And oh yeah, did we mention that Alec Baldwin stopped by the Ed Sullivan Theater last night, too?

Come To This New York City Show Tonight at 8:00

Posted: 22 Sep 2010 12:29 PM PDT

As some of you may or may not know, I run a comedy show at the Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater in New York City along with a best friend and best comedian, Joe Mande.  The show is a fun time, and tonight you should come have a fun time with us because we have one of the greatest line-ups we’ve ever had.  Come see three of the funniest ladies in all of show business: Comedy Central’s Chris Gethard, every commercial ever’s Andrea Rosen, and Irish comedy super star Maeve Higgins.  More on them in a second.

You can make reservations for tickets right here or you can just show up a little before 8:00.  Tickets are $5 but if you say my name at the door, they’ll be like “Why are you saying Noah’s name?  Please give us $5.”

Noah, are you almost done self promoting?  Almost!

First watch Maeve Higgins:

Then Watch Chris Gethard on Jimmy Fallon:

And then watch one of Andrea Rosen‘s Yoplait commercials because she absolutely nails wearing a hooded sweatshirt:

And then finally watch me and Joe on The View during the 2008 election.

Now I’m done self promoting.  YOU’RE WELCOME!  And I’m sorry.

The Breakfast Club Cast Reunites, Thinks The Breakfast Club Is Really Important

Posted: 22 Sep 2010 11:11 AM PDT

Yay, the Breakfast Club cast reunited on Good Morning America! We all loved that charming, harmless coming-of-age movie when we were younger, didn’t we? I wonder what the cast has to say about the film — hopefully nothing too grandiose or disillusioned about their own significance…

Robin Roberts: 25 years later, people STILL can’t get enough of it.

Molly Ringwald: I think it’s just that there hasn’t been anything else even remotely as meaningful and charming…

Whoa, really? Nothing in the last 25 years has been remotely as meaningful as The Breakfast Club? Ever catch an episode of Freaks And Geeks? Or watch any Pixar film? Or remember that whole Nirvana dealie that at least like seven young people felt connected to? And who in 2010 “still can’t get enough” of The Breakfast Club? I imagine most people are satisfied with the amount of Breakfast Club they have gotten by now.

Click the pic below to watch the interview — I’ll talk about my other favorite part after the jump:

That last part, hoo boy, let’s make fun of it:

Molly Ringwald: This idea that we’re all connected, that’s kind of the message at the end, that we’re all connected, we’re all the same.

Robin Roberts: And we kinda need to hear that, in this climate. Cause we’re all, you’re on this side, you’re on that side…

[Cast Agrees]

So true! Why are we even having these waste-of-time Israel-Palestine negotiations? Have those dudes not seen this teen comedy from 1985? WE ARE ALL THE SAME, people. Watch these kids dancing past a still camera to 80s-ass music and STOP FRICKIN’ FIGHTING. “Oooh, this goes back thousands of years, blah blah I sound like Judd Nelson’s Character before he learns any lessons…” Knock it off!

Also, you know what else has the message “we are all connected?” Everything. Literally everything ever made. Avatar, Shrek, the show Yes Dear probably — the list goes on and on (until everything ever made is listed). Should that stop us from projecting The Breakfast Club onto the moon to encourage across-the-aisle political cooperation in Washington? Of course not. By all means, let’s try that. I’m just saying, if it doesn’t work, we might have to move on to Better Off Dead.

To This Crazy Radio Guy: Juice Boxes Are Gay, But They’re Not That Gay

Posted: 22 Sep 2010 10:12 AM PDT

Alex Jones in an insane man who is also a conservative radio show host.  I want to be clear.  This isn’t the kind of thing where I’m forcing my liberal politics on you by calling a conservative radio host insane as some sort of hyperbolic tool of persuasion.  I’m not doing that.  This man is literally insane.  He is mostly famous for this moment.  You might remember this moment.

Haha!  Alex!  You’re so crazy!

Anyway, he did another crazy thing recently, and thanks to Videogum I have seen it and now I’m showing it to you.  The following is Alex Jones talking about how the government is trying to make us all gay with juice boxes so we don’t have children.  And yes, juice boxes are the gayest way of containing fluids — even gayer than Caprisun juice pouches, but they certainly aren’t this gay.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to pound down a Five Alive and then get some D’s in my B.

Internet Rules Cannot Stop Me From Showing You Aerobics Videos From The Late 80′s

Posted: 22 Sep 2010 09:33 AM PDT

Back in July, I posted this video of a guy — you know, like a grown man — competing in the 1987 Chrystal Light Aerobics Championships.  We all had a lot of fun with that video.  If you don’t recall it, I strongly recommend you go back and take another look.

Then today, I was bored and I figured I’d just go watch more late 80′s aerobic videos.  And I came across one that was pretty good!  I wasn’t sure if I was going to post it though; I just couldn’t decide if it was worth your time.  Then I saw this below the video.

Ummm.  “Embedding disabled by request?” “Adding comments has been disabled for this video?”  This is absolute bullsh*t, and I won’t stand for it.  If you want to post something this mock-able on YouTube, you should be willing to let it be embedded and adequately made fun of.  Are we going to let this slide?  Hell no!  Everybody click on the picture below, go watch the video, and then come back here and make fun of it.  First they came for the embeds of male aerobic videos….
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