Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Happy National Coffee Day! Also, Cereal Marshmallows

Posted: 29 Sep 2010 08:35 AM PDT

Wow, guys. It’s been a long time. But rehab takes a long time. And the symmetry of life is truly astounding, for when one door closes (Lindsay Lohan entering rehab) a window opens (me escaping from rehab, via a window and crudely tied together sheets). You didn’t realize I had been gone for a while? Well EFF YO-sorry. I was in rehab for anger. Also heroin.

Anyway, good to be back!! So, what’s the happs in the pop cultures??? Who cares! I just heard on the radio that it’s National Coffee Day! Not to be confused with National Waffle Day! (Who would confuse those two things. Not you). Apparently you can get free coffee today at participating locations. Or you can be like me and get free Flavia at work whenever you so desire. In many different flavors! And you get to say “Flavia,” which is a funny word. But if you aren’t a part time blogger billionaire at home in pajamas a work place like me, here’s a list of places to get your free coffee, or black oil as I call it.

This transitions nicely into my next item, which is about cereal marshmallows.

You know how the marshmallows in your weekend cereal (your Lucky Charms, your…I can’t think of other cereals with marshmallows) as opposed to your week day cereal (your Uncle Sam brand, Kashi, generally gross disgusting cereals that do not contain marshmallows) are crunchy? And by crunchy I mean stale? Apparently people, or at least one person, likes that, nay, craves that. Enough to start a website and market said stale marshmallows. It’s called Cerealmarshmallows.com. Obvs. Here is the sweet product that awaits you if you visit Cereal Marshmallows (dot com):

So many marshmallows! Your bowl runneth over with marshmallows!

I recommend you perusing the site, but it reads in part,

Here at Cereal Marshmallows Our Goal is to Deliver you the absolute best and Crunchiest marshmallows available and I believe that is just what we have. I searched the World Over Japan, China Mexico, Netherlands, Germany, Belgium, UK, Australia, NOWHERE could I Get a Crunchy Crispy Marshmallow I ordered everything you could imagine and tried to get manufacturers to make it for me to no avail.

Cerealmarshmallows really makes the most Unique Gift Box you could ever give someone. Imagine getting a assortment of Unique High Class Lemon, Lime, Strawberry and peppermint soft Puff Mints and Hot Chocolate, some relaxing Hot tea for before bedtime with a few Huge bags of cereal marshmallows WOW you just made the biggest impression possible.

WOW is right! You WOULD have made the biggest impression possible. Actually, include a severed finger in your Unique Gift Box of cereal marshmallows and I think you would have nailed that impression. So, what are you waiting for? You have free coffee to demand and stale marshmallows to order! Life is for the living! GO!

Thank you to Noah, who obviously sent cereal marshmallows my way.

Dancing Beer Box Head Guy Is College Personified

Posted: 29 Sep 2010 07:55 AM PDT

Oh cool, College came to life and it’s this guy. Nice dance moves, College! I’ll never forget when I went to you. Back then you were a bunch of buildings and streets, but I always assumed the day you spontaneously turned into a human being, you would turn into exactly this guy:

(via Guyism)

This Is What Transformers 2 Should Have Been

Posted: 28 Sep 2010 03:23 PM PDT

I did not see Transformers 2: Return of the People Cars.  I wanted to and just never got around to it.  But if I had gone to the theater and paid $13 for an adult movie ticket, and then they just played this 33 second YouTube video, I would have been completely happy with that transaction.  This will be the best thing you see all day.

Semi-related Autobiographical Thing:  When I was a small 4 year old boy, I thought that “meetstee-i” was a word that meant something and that Transformers were way more than whatever that something was.

Thanks, Best of YouTube.

Lone Star Officially Canceled. Sorry.

Posted: 28 Sep 2010 03:25 PM PDT

Michael Ausiello reports that Fox has officially canceled Lone Star after just two low-rated episodes, despite widespread critical praise and online support.

Our only reaction:

Joke Becomes Reality: Lindsay Lohan Enters Rehab For 5th Time

Posted: 28 Sep 2010 02:54 PM PDT

Back when Lindsay Lohan entered rehab for the fourth time, Dr. Humourpants over here wisecracked that Ms. Lohan was just one rehab away from getting a free rehab with her Frequent Rehabbers punch card, and we all shared a hearty chortle that eve we did. I even Photoshopped what the card looked like, to really drive that exaggerated point home:

That was 10 weeks ago. Flash-forward to today…aaaaand…Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab for a fifth time.

Turns out, my intended joke was nothing more than a super-predictable prediction of an easily foreseeable event two months into the future. I apologize, and from now on I will attempt to exaggerate these already-exceedingly-ridiculous gossip stories even more so that my jokes don’t just become the truth months later and my Joking doctorate gets revoked and I have to go back to being just Mister Humourpants. Not even “Esquire.”

So, my new Lindsay Lohan exaggeration that I hope will remain a joke and not instantly just come true: Lindsay Lohan is a dragon vampire who will eat the Lindbergh Baby. I’m not jinxing it by making the Photoshop.

Eric Ripert Destroys Gordon Ramsay On Twitter

Posted: 28 Sep 2010 03:02 PM PDT

In a tragic turn of events, New Jersey restaurateur Joseph Cerniglia — a former subject on Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares — committed suicide, four years after a Hell’s Kitchen participant also took her own life.

I’m hesitant to take the easy path and rip on Gordon Ramsay’s in-your-face A-hole persona today, because who really knows if he had any impact whatsoever on these two incidents, but fortunately, Four-Star Chef and Top Chef regular Eric Ripert had no such reservations (accidental restaurant pun!), absolutely laying into Gordon Ramsay today in three consecutive Tweets [lotta SIC]:

Zing. The Smiley Raptor ain’t smiling this morning. Hard to argue with the man, though. (Unless it’s about proofreading.)

Sidenote: Twitter has officially been around long enough that I can type “Rips into him with TWEETS” without feeling compelled to call attention to how stupid that sentence sounds. It’s like that day in 2002 where you stopped feeling like some douchey agent character for saying “Gotta check my cell phone.” Hopefully someday we’ll get to that point with our spaceship time machine sex robots.

I Guess We’ll All Have An Iron Man Suit Soon

Posted: 28 Sep 2010 01:35 PM PDT

There is a defense contractor called Raytheon that is basically like Stark Industries in the Iron Man movies.  And they are building an Iron Man suit.  Basically.  And on top of that, they had an actor from the Iron Man movies, Clark Gregg (Agent Phil Coulson), put on the suit and break wooden boards while wearing it.  Does that sounds slightly cool?  Well, I’ll tell you what.  It is slightly better than slightly cool.  It is regular cool.  In fact… it’s tight.  And a little rad.

Clark Gregg, if you will remember, also played Agent Casper on the West Wing.  Guy loves playing agents.  Knocks it out of the park every time.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

So, Uh… The Drudge Report Is Being A Real Assh*le Today

Posted: 28 Sep 2010 11:44 AM PDT

Obviously the Drudge Report is a nightmare website.  And we all know that, and we accept it for what it is.  But sometimes… it is just so nightmare-ish and mean spirited that it surprises even me, a person who thinks Matt Drudge spends his spare time harassing billy goats gruff.

So, there’s a lot going on today, right?  It’s not even a traditional “slow news day.”  Jimmy Carter is in the hospital; there was a shooting at the University of Texas.  Things are happening.  But the top story on the Drudge Report right now, as far as I can tell, is that one time somebody took an unflattering picture of Hillary Clinton.

Let’s zoom in a little.

“Noah, surely there is more to that story.  The headline, ‘Demon Photo Moved On Wire’… that clearly means something and if you click on that link, I’m positive you will find an article that warrants a large top story headline.  It’s not just the Drudge Report headline saying Hillary Clinton looks like a demon.  That would just be crazy.” Nope, I’m sorry.  You are wrong, hypothetical person arguing with me.  Here’s what happens when you click on it.

It’s just the Yahoo search page for “Hillary Clinton” that happens to use a bad picture from Reuters.  So, basically, the Drudge Report just wanted to post a creepy picture of Hillary Clinton under the guise of it being a story about Reuters using a bad picture.  Good job being a news site, guys!  No, I’m kidding.  That’s a bad job!  They could have at least had the balls to do this:

But they didn’t!  Dan Hopper had to make that for me.  And he called the JPEG “Thrillary,” which is very good.

Stay classy, Drudge Report.

“Indie Family Matters Theme” Is Almost As Trendy As Actual Family Matters Theme

Posted: 28 Sep 2010 11:41 AM PDT

It’s been a solid pop culture week for Family Matters — first it gets a Damon-style shout-out on the 30 Rock premiere, and now an Indie cover of the Family Matters theme song merges onto the information superhighway for our listening pleasure*. (* = ???)

It’s about time the internet started referencing things from the early 90s. I’m tired of watching nothing but remixed Vivaldi concertos:

My favorite (mainstream) Family Matters theme song cover is after the jump. Be forewarned, it only got a 4.8 from ThemeSongFork:

This Lady Probably Shouldn’t Get A Tattoo

Posted: 28 Sep 2010 10:58 AM PDT

I myself do not have any tattoos, nor do I ever plan on getting one.  I have nothing against people who get tattoos, it just to me seems like a strange decision to make.  It’s like getting married young.  Do you really want this picture/person with-you/on-your-body for the rest of your life?  I can’t think of an image or person who I’ve met or seen that I would ever seriously consider spending the rest of my life with.  I can just see myself getting a getting a tattoo of the Chrysler Building, and then five years later I realize that it’s just not as iconic as the Empire State Building, and it doesn’t like my jokes anymore, and I’ve taken to sleeping on the couch because the goddamn tattoo says it can’t sleep with the TV on which is weird because IT DIDN’T SEEM TO BE A PROBLEM FIVE YEARS AGO WHEN MAYBE I WAS A BIT THINNER!!!

Whoa, let’s all cool off for a minute.  That got intense.  Anyway, this woman you’re about to watch is a total wuss about getting a tattoo, and if you’re this big of a fraidy-cat (fradiecat?, freightycat?), you have no business getting a tattoo in the first place.  They’re supposed to represent strength.  Or a dragon.  Or a skull face.  Or a Chinese thing.  Which I guess I already covered with the dragon.

Thanks, Daily What.

New Dream Job: Danish Royalty

Posted: 28 Sep 2010 10:44 AM PDT

I don’t complain about my job often (correction: I complain about my job often), because sitting on the internet looking for dumb crap and getting paid out of Viacom’s charity tax-breaks budget is pretty sweet, but you know what’s even sweeter?

Being Danish Royalty and feeding penguins in a zoo as part of your job:

That’s Danish Crown Prince Frederik and Crown Princess Mary feeding Penguins at a zoo in Germany yesterday. They are at work, feeding penguins, but also are royalty.

Am I really asking too much, to just be Danish Royalty? That’s every human being’s God-given right. It’s in the constitution! The Danish one! Which applies to all of us!

I guess I’ll keep blogging for now, but I finally have a new dream job, officially replacing “Fired Notre Dame Coach Getting Paid Remainder Of His Contract.” Maybe I can do all three?

Two more pics of the professional penguin petters (!!) after the jump:
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