Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Twinzies: Cameron Diaz And Steven Tyler

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 09:08 AM PST

Twinzies Alert!!!!!!!!

After long years spent apart, identical twins Cameron Diaz and Steven Tyler reunite at the Vanity Fair Oscar Party.

Via NY Mag

The Strokes Get Fancy In Their New Music Video

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 08:26 AM PST

When one conducts a triumphant return, one dresses to impress. Tuxedoes are the new Converse and skinny jeans. Why? ‘Cause The Strokes said so, that’s why. Here’s the video for their single, “Under Cover Of Darkness.”

Oh you fancy, huh?

Here’s What Banksy Looks Like You Guys Maybe!

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 07:56 AM PST

What does mysterious graffiti artist Banksy look like? Are the White Stripes brother and sister? Did Paul McCartney die before Abbey Road? These are three questions we will literally never know. UNTIL NOW.

Here’s the latest photograph of a man believed to be Banksy, tending to his “This Looks Like An Elephant” piece in Los Angeles:

AHA! Busted! So Banksy’s just a regular looking dude in a hat, not a 7-foot-tall monster who sh*ts thunder – I was confusing him with the main character from Braveheart (the old man with the rotting face.) Makes sense – the Daily Mail said about as much in 2008.

However, the photo doesn’t look a lot like this video of Banksy taken in 2006:

Liam Gallagher Takes A Stand Against Radiohead, Supports “Modern Trees”

Posted: 02 Mar 2011 07:26 AM PST

Modern Tree

We can talk about America’s great orator, Charlie “There are a trillion places for a million things to hide” Sheen, later. Right now I would just like to give Liam Gallagher his due for being The Best. Why? Because in an interview with The Quietus he said:

“I heard that f*cking Radiohead record ['The King Of Limbs'] and I just go, ‘What?!’” he said. “I like to think that what we do, we do f*cking well. Them writing a song about a f*cking tree? Give me a f*cking break! A thousand year old tree? Go f*ck yourself!”

Wait, no, that’s not it. That’s good, but that’s not it. This is it:

Speaking of Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke’s decision to take influence from the tree in question, Gallagher added: “You’d have thought he’d have written a song about a modern tree or one that was planted last week. You know what I mean?”

A MODERN TREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is THE BEST reason to be mad at someone. Not writing a song about a modern tree. I love this man. He is my Sheen. Gallagher for Sheen!!!!!

No matter how you feel about Radiohead, you have to admit there is nothing that Thom Yorke can say to defend himself. Well, yeah, of course there is. There is no reason for him to write a song about a modern tree (hahahahahahaha) over a thousand year old tree. In fact, there are definitely more compelling reasons to write about an ancient tree than a modern tree (can’t get enough). But Gallagher wins. He just does. Modern Tree.

NME

FERRIS BUELLER: Charlie Sheen’s Alternate Take

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 03:39 PM PST

Pretty sure the title of this one tell you all you need to know. Enjoy.

Porn Parodies Are Basically The Only Thing Keeping The Porn Industry Afloat These Days

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 03:29 PM PST

The financial troubles of the porn industry were recently chronicled in a New York magazine cover story called “The Geek Kings of Smut.” In the piece, porn moguls like Steven Hirsch of Vivid decried not only the explosion of amateur porn, but also so-called “tube sites,” described by the magazine as “YouTube-like repositories of content that is often free, and often pirated.” So now that anyone with a webcam is now able to make (and publish!) their own porn to horny, hairy-palmed dudes the world over, how are the denizens of the San Fernando Valley going to continue to make themselves enough money to keep themselves rolling in tacky jewelry, lucite heels and hard narcotics? Besides a grant from Charlie Sheen, that is? Two words: porn parodies!

Earlier today, our friends over at Splitsider alerted us to the tremendous news that a Community porn parody* is now in the works. Not surprising, we suppose, especially considering that Reservoir Dogs and the Justice League of America were both turned into porn parodies in the last week.

First up, we have the creatively titled Rezervoir Doggs: An XXX Parody. Based on the trailer, it looks to be an extremely faithful adaptation of Quentin Tarantino’s original source material. And by “faithful,” we really mean “totally plagiarized.” However, we DO appreciate that the creators of this video took some creative license with their title; if we didn’t know any better, we’d say that it’s a clever reference to the liberties QT himself took with the English language with the title Inglorious Basterds.

And then there’s Justice League XXX, starring Ron Jeremy as the Penguin. While we could literally spend hours debating whether Jeremy or Danny DeVito has a hairier back, our primary question revolves around the dropping of the “of America” portion of the name from the 1970s era cartoon. Is this meant to infer that this movie takes place somewhere outside of our fair nation’s borders? Or perhaps this is to help with the ancillary grosses in foreign markets? Guess we’ll have to watch the finished product to find out.

*Starburns!

[Thanks, Daily What and Buzzfeed!]

WTF EXPOSE: Dawn Covers Otters In Oil For Cutest Ad Ever

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 03:08 PM PST

Dear Dawn, let’s chat. I use you. I wash my dishes with you and sometimes, only my hands. You are a good dish washing liquid, Dawn. And according to your ADORABLE commercial, you even help clean the oil off of birds and otters caught in an oil spill. I cry suds of joy while watching it, because it is the sweetest thing on television.

I had the GIF you see here made and slowed down so that we, as a country and globe, can marvel at his sweet little otter face and minnnnnniature otter arm. I want to feel those soapy little otter fingers paw their way all over my face as we play in the sand. But these are inside thoughts that I shouldn’t be writing about.

I loved this commercial so much that I asked my coworker to make a GIF of the otter getting a bath, so that I could marvel at this moment whenever I wanted. My instructions were “Please make a GIF of the otter in the bath, and slow it down so it’s almost sexual.” Wikipedia reference number here. Let’s make it [7]

And so, the above GIF became a reality and I thought my work here was done.

And then… I noticed this:

Sim… Simulated Demonstration? Are you saying that the ducks and otters we see in the ad were covered in black oil on purpose so that we may see some anonymous glove-hands rinsing them off?? Um wait, isn’t that the dictionary definition of animal abuse?? Or is that oil actually some sort of delicious beef liquid that the animals enjoyed having drizzled on them? Any way you slice it, this is absolutely unacceptable!

(3 minute pause)

OK, I’m back to watching the clip. It’s pretty cute. Bigger GIF version ahead, beware if you are using the computer at your parents’ house…

I just poured myself a glass of white wine and canceled my nighttime plans to watch this forever:

Annie Leibovitz’s Genius = Robert Pattinson Holding An Alligator

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 02:21 PM PST

Here’s the cover of the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair featuring Robert Pattinson casually holding an alligator, being all ‘Where you want this? Living room? No because it’s an alligator? You got it gurl.”

The R-Patz / Alligator idea was actually the winning submission in Vanity Fair’s “Have A 4-Year-Old Draw A Cool Crayon Thing And We’ll Make It Our Cover.”

This was the second-place submission:

Pudgy Guy’s Belly Getting Shot By Air Pellets In Slow Motion Is Art/Literature/The World

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 02:12 PM PST

Listen to the music. Let your eyes absorb the unfolding drama. This is art. There is something so soothing about this video’s detachment from its subject’s pain. It is as if Albert Camus directed it.

You cannot catch a glimpse of this video without pondering how our whole universe came into existence. The air pellets impact the body like asteroids hurtling into some faraway, cold planet on which perhaps there our other beings with minds not unlike ours. This is life. This is what is.

We are all that man’s pudgy belly, and his pudgy belly is God.

Bless you, The Daily What.

Christina Aguilera Story Fits Nicely Into Celebrity Couple Arrest Form

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 01:02 PM PST

As you have no doubt heard by now, Christina Aguilera was taken into custody after she and her boyfriend, Matthew Rutler, were pulled over early this morning for drunk driving. According to TMZ, Aguilera was booked for public intoxication while Rutler was taken in for driving under the influence. Aguilera did not end up getting charged, and both have been released after Rutler’s $5000 bail was paid.

From now on, everyone should just use this very simple form that you can fill out every time a celebrity couple gets into trouble with the police. We present to you the Celebrity Couple Arrest Form.

LOOK WHO’S DANCING: Kirstie Alley Joining DWTS!

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 01:21 PM PST

The new slate of stars competing in the next season of Dancing with the Stars has been released. And OK, it’s a little bland. For every Ralph Macchio and Wendy Williams you have your Chris Jericho’s and Chelsea Lane’s (seriously who is this person?). But there is one person, one Queen, who has been cast on the show that we will almost certainly tune in and root for. There is no font big enough to announce her, but we’ll try:

KIRSTIE

ALLEY

(That is seriously the biggest font this blog will let me use.)

I lahlahlahlooooove Kirstie Alley. I was one of exactly one people who watched her Showtime show Fat Actress (the same sentence can be applied to the Showtime show Episodes), and have always felt badly for her given the media’s scrutiny of her weight fluctuation. The media has been all too cruel to Kirstie, stopping short of tying 5,000 balloons to her back and marveling at her bobbing physique struggling to float into heaven like the house in Up.

Why the love for Kirstie? Because she is completely insane. Like Charlie Sheen, Tiger blood drinking, face melting from Mars crazy.

And even better? She can actually kinda dance!! The proof is in the 1990s pudding.

From the Academy Award winning movie On The Waterfront Look Who’s Talking, one of the most adorable dance sequences ever. You know Kirstie’s still go it.

Yes, I actually have Gene Pitney’s “Town Without Pity” on my Ipod thanks to this scene.

In conclusion: EVERYONE VOTE FOR KIRSTIE ALLEY ON DANCING WITH THE STARS! Let the woman finally win something.

5 Reasons Why Paul Rudd Should Host The Next Oscars

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 01:13 PM PST

Now that the internet has spent 24 hours angrily purging itself of its residual Oscar bile, now might be the time for a smug, clear-headed devil’s advocate to whine “Fine, if you hated James Franco and Anne Hathaway so much, then who would YOU pick to host the Oscars?” After taking a day to prepare my response to this theoretical assy question, I realized I didn’t need more than a few minutes to come up with a perfect response: Paul Rudd should host the next Oscars.

Here are 5 very obvious reasons why:


1. No One Dislikes Paul Rudd

In this post-apocalyptic internet wasteland we live in where everyone hates everyone and zinc is worth a million Ooblexs (apocalypse money), I can think of almost no one else offhand whose name inspires nothing but affable responses — this is the quietly powerful distinction Paul Rudd holds. People are either actively fans of Paul Rudd or at worst harmlessly indifferent towards him, as I imagine my parents probably are (as opposed to Franco and Hathaway, whom my parents instantly and obviously parenthated.)

If the Oscars want to even begin to think about reversing the lingering guilty-until-proven-innocent hatred rampant on the blogosphere and the Twitosphere and the TVosphere, hiring the uber-likable Rudd would be an enormous, almost instantly-redemptive first step.


2. Paul Rudd Is Extremely Mainstream (In A Good Way)

Role Models and I Love You, Man were well-reviewed R-rated comedies that grossed $67 million and $71 million respectively — as someone intimately familiar with the Stella shorts, I often forget that Paul Rudd does have massive, proven mainstream appeal, making his selection more than palatable to ABC execs than some theoretical random actor, particularly after the Oscar ratings dropped again this year.

I’d obviously love to see Louis C.K. or Tim & Eric host the Oscars, but realistically, if Ricky Gervais can anger the universe at the Golden Globes by implying that The Tourist may not have been an outstanding film, then we’ve got to temper our hosting expectations more towards general acceptance. Although even with Paul Rudd, the musical numbers are gonna be excruciating until we finally do let Tim & Eric get involved.



3. He’s Friends With Everyone Good

Paul Rudd hosting guarantees the potential for the Oscars telecast to incorporate basically anyone you’d want to see doing comedy bits (Steve Carell, Jane Lynch, The Apatow crew, etc.) in whatever capacity the show sees fit. Not that the show has had trouble with pull recently, roping Alec Baldwin and Morgan Freeman into this year’s opening montage (and obviously Franco has ties to the Apatow crew too), but the entire creative tone of the event could be different with Rudd at the center instead of an acting duo treated as responsible show-mover-alongers instead of actual contributors.


4. He’s Versatile

Rudd is not only charismatic and funny, he’s also more than capable of acting in scripted bits and (I’d imagine) delivering one-liners; he’s not a standup by trade, but really, compared to Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway delivering jokes, Rudd might as well be Bill Hicks.

He was also in Cider House Rules, so BOOM! There you go. Versatile City.


5. Fifth Reason To Round Out No-Brainery List

I didn’t want to leave the list at 4, but also didn’t think any more extrapolation on this point was necessary. Everyone hated the Oscars this year. Everyone likes Paul Rudd, and Paul Rudd is good at things. For once, Academy – do something awesome.

Charlie Sheen Bought Out Stadium To Catch Homerun In 1996

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 11:11 AM PST

In a little under a week, Charlie Sheen has gone from “actor on a show I hate” to “let me DVR Piers Morgan because Charlie Sheen is on tonight.” Admit it. Never before have we given such a care for what Charlie Sheen has to say.

But an even better question: Where has this maniac been all these years?? Are you telling me he’s been wasting this manic genius brain of his on porn stars? Tragedy. Because it seems like Sheen’s brain genie has always been floating around in there, just waiting for someone to rub his bottle the wrong way and let the genius out.

Like back in 1996, when Sheen bought out an entire section of a baseball stadium in an effort to catch a homerun. From a Sports Illustrated blurb from way back when:

Actor Charlie Sheen paid $6,537.50 to buy most of the seats behind the leftfield fence in Anaheim Stadium last Friday night, hoping to catch a home run ball. Sheen and three friends sat alone, 20 rows up, and watched the California Angels-Detroit Tigers game, on the chance that someone—preferably Tigers slugger Cecil Fielder—might postmark a round-tripper to their vicinity. “I didn’t want to crawl over the paying public,” said Sheen, the hell-raising star of Hot Shots! Part Deux (Ed. Note: LOLOL) and other cinematic landmarks, in explaining why he bought up the 2,615 seats. “I wanted to avoid the violence.” Alas, no one homered and the Sheen crew went ball-less.

This is the kinda crazy son of a bitch I could hang with. But only in the Major League glasses. (Swoon.)

(With thanks to @thighmaster for the tip)

Sandwich Place Redeems Itself With New Sandwich Names

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 10:53 AM PST

A few weeks ago, Katla McGlynn at Huffington Post Comedy posted a picture of a menu from a local Brooklyn corner store/sandwich shop called Hana Food.  Hana Food is a great little place. It’s open all night and the employees are very nice.  However, they seem to fumble a little bit with their sandwich naming. Their menu originally contained sandwich names like the “Gay Boy” and the “Butter Face.” They also had a sandwich with avocado and jalapeno called “The Illegal.” What a mess.  But, after complaints presumably, they crossed out those names on all the menus and wrote in more innocuous titles.

Then, last night, Hana Foods came roaring back into the sandwich naming game. This time they went the really-on-the-nose-route and, in doing so, absolutely knocked it out of the park.

For the record, no. You cannot use Hanna Foods’ bathroom. Though that is a perfect name for a sandwich with sausage and corned beef on it. Weed is a good name for a sandwich too, but it probably could have used an exclamation mark at the end. “Weed!”

Woman With Zebra Ass Reveals Identity

Posted: 01 Mar 2011 10:20 AM PST

Here is a photo that has been making the rounds. It is of a mystery woman at the park who appears to have the ass of a zebra:

But who oh who oh who could this mystery lady be????? We reveal the answer ahead. Hint: If there’s paparazzi there, there will almost certainly be a giant zebra ass not far behind…

Who else?


It’s Kim Kardashian!

Oh ass jokes, will you ever fail? One day, certainly.

(Zebra image via Buzzfeed)
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