Saturday, September 11, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

ICYMI: It Looks Like The Spider-Man Musical Is Actually Going To Happen

Posted: 10 Sep 2010 01:39 PM PDT

You guys like Broadway, don’t you? Wait, what’s that? The last thing you saw on Broadway was Cats? For shame! Well, the visionary (and quite divatastic) creative mastermind Julie Taymor is hoping all that will change when her troubled production of Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark opens up later this year (fingers crossed)! This ambitious and wildly expensive show has been delayed more times than we can count — we only have so many fingers and toes, you know — but the appearance of star Reeve Carney on Good Morning America this morning has got to be some sort of positive indication that this thing is actually going to happen someday, right?

So, why would you go see Spiderman on Broadway versus any of the other numerous movie-to-musical translations clogging up the Great White Way these days? Well, producers are betting that an original score co-written by Bono and The Edge will get people excited. The aforementioned Carney performed one of these bombastic new songs, “Boy Falls From the Sky,” this morning. As Vulture astutely pointed out earlier, the guitar riff that anchors the song sounds suspiciously like the riff from “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me”, U2′s contribution to the Batman Forever soundtrack. That said, this song shows promise and, surprisingly, is nowhere near as disastrous as the whispers tipped it to be. As long as Taymor doesn’t decide to incorporate a number based on Tobey Maguire’s jazzbo freakout from Spiderman 3 into the production, we’re pretty confident that Spider-Man will turn out to be nowhere near as embarrassing as American Idiot!

Google Instant “We Didn’t Start The Fire” Starts, Wins Google Instant Meme

Posted: 10 Sep 2010 12:30 PM PDT

It’s been several days since Google Instant began to take effect, and frankly, it’s been a little tense ’round these internet parts waiting for someone to step forward and figure out how to incorporate this unobjectionable new technology into an insanely committed viral video.

Not anymore! Here’s an insanely committed viral video from Urlesque that matches every aspect of Willie Joel’s “We Didn’t Start The Fire” with its corresponding Google Instant results.

“Internet, you’ve done it again!” – Police Chief at the end of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon Internet Dog.

VH1 Best Cruise Ever is Back! Sign Up For Pre-sale Now

Posted: 10 Sep 2010 02:00 PM PDT

Some of you may recall the love I declared for Lifehouse (as in Jason Wade; his arms) a few months back when I sailed the Carribbean with the band and plenty of others for a 4-day, non-stop concert adventure called the VH1 Best Cruise Ever.

Well, friends, VH1 Best Cruise Ever is back! Sign up for the pre-sale now. Sailing April 28 – May 2 from Tampa, FL to Cozumel on-board the Carnival Inspiration, the 2011 festival at sea looks amazing. And I need to be there.

HEADLINING:

Train
The Script
Lifehouse
Colbie Caillat

WITH:
Alpha Rev
Civil Twilight
Mat Kearney
Matt Wertz
One EskimO
SAFETYSUIT
Thriving Ivory
Trailer Park Ninjas
…and more

If you book a cabin during the pre-sale, you get to take a picture with one of the headlining acts (Train, Lifehouse, Colbie Caillat, The Script). And if you book a cabin near me, you might get to hold my hair back when I throw up the morning of debarkation!

Click here to sign up for pre-sale before 11:59PM Mon., Sept. 13.

Jay-Z Signs 9-Year-Old Willow Smith, Compares Her To Michael Jackson

Posted: 10 Sep 2010 11:41 AM PDT

Breaking “Whip My Hair” News, everybody:

Just two days after Willow Smith’s kid-friendly club banger “Whip My Hair” leaked online, Jay-Z and his petite protégé called in to “On-Air With Ryan Seacrest” to confirm that he had signed her to his Roc Nation label.

…”I don’t want to go so far, but I can imagine that’s how Mike [Jackson] was as a young kid — he knew exactly what he wanted,” Jay said, comparing Smith to the late King of Pop.

Signing a 9-year-old kid to a record deal after her first song has been unofficially out for two days? Cool!

I have no applicable response other than to post the Mr. Show “Recruiters” sketch:

The 5 Best Pics of Ellen DeGeneres Modeling At Fashion Week

Posted: 10 Sep 2010 11:43 AM PDT

You’ve probably already heard that Ellen DeGeneres surprised the audience yesterday at designer Richie Rich‘s NYC Fashion Week show by walking the runway. Judging by the press, you’d think her modeling stint was one of the most exciting things to happen to fashion in years. At first, this seemed kind of weird to me. I mean, I like Ellen as much as the next person. She’s hilarious. But what does she have to do with fashion?

Then I saw these pictures! Clearly, fashion will never be the same.

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Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown: Like Firecrackers In A Dumpster

Posted: 10 Sep 2010 01:35 PM PDT

Okay, legitimate Jersey Shore related question for you, the listening reading audience: What differences, if any, are there between the action verbs smush, smash and smoosh? We have watched — with intense focus and passion, mind you — every single episode of this wonderous gift from the reality television gods and we are still not entirely sure what context calls for the usage of “smash” versus one for “smoosh.” We are nothing if not cultural anthropologists, so if anyone is reading who hails from the Garden State can rectify, we would be most appreciative. Related: We are also curious as to why the phrase “pound out” — one of the staples of Season One — has been ditched from the guido lexicon, and also when the right situation is for saying “Getting it in” versus smush/smash/smoosh. If you can help, please do so in the comments.

Now, on with the show! The Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown, as always, lies below…



10) “I went to the ground like this. I was like, [grunts], with my turkey sandwich, like, ‘Holy sh*t, what just happened to me?”
“Is there any more turkey sangwidch?” —Sammi and DJ Pauly D
Now, this is no “I feel like eating ham and drinking water,” but then again, what is? But we can’t help but adore Sammi Sweetheart for taking The Beast (aka J-WOWW) on, (arguably) winning after a steady stream of right crosses and still keeping a steady grip on her turkey sammy. And bless you, Pauly D, for being this season’s comic relief.

9) “I never seen the kitchen this bad. There’s hair extensions, there’s fingernails, there’s like a tuna fish sangwidch on the ground.” —DJ Pauly D
Wait, we thought that was a turkey sandwich, not a tuna sandwich? We smell a conspiracy! Someone get Oliver Stone on the duck phone. Oh, and Pauly, you forgot to mention the assortment of cigarette butts littered all over the floor. And, if you looked very closely, you would’ve also noticed J-WOWW’s shattered pride sitting over in the corner of the kitchen.

(Ed. Note: Thanks to BWE commenter Like_Shootin_Fish, we amended this and the quote above to more accurately reflect Pauly D’s awesome pronunciation of the word “sandwich.” Good lookin’ out!)


8) “I don’t like him, either. Not even to mention that he’s not even good looking. So he needs to, like, jump off the ‘I’m Good Looking’ train. Because he’s ugly.” —Angelina
Classic elementary school tactics at play here. You know, call the person you want to bone — we were all boning in elementary school, right? — a name, pretend you hate them, then watch them come running into your spray-tanned arms. Total Playground 101 over here. And from what we saw, it sure looks as if the Vin Man put his watermelon all up in Angelina’s, um, Fossil watch!

7) “I don’t know how much it was. $39.99? $49.99? The man should be smashing.” —The Situation
How much DOES a good Fossil watch go for these days, anyway? It was like watching The Situation pressed by Bob Barker on The Price Is Right. For chrissakes, the man just bought at BENTLEY, how is he supposed to know how much a Fossil watch costs these days? And, in defense of Angelina’s gentleman caller (Note to self: Why are we defending him, exactly?), there’s a very good chance that the watch he bought the Staten Island Dump with the hopes of “hitting that” could have cost as much as $195!

6) “Shoulder up, my dude.” —Unknown
It’s still not entirely clear to us who said this, but our best guess is that it came from the mouth of Pauly D. Regardless of who said it, it’s immediately entering our personal lexicon ASAP. (Even if we literally have no idea what it means.)

5) “And then all of a sudden, it’s like nuttin’ like a nice herpe to ruin the party.” —DJ Pauly D
Nothing ruins a Sunday dinner consisting of communal vino and chicken parm like seeing the person next to you at the table rocking a giant cold sore. Amirite? We’re glad that Pauly D had the common sense to stay away from this dirty hosebeast, but we still think he ought to be taking daily doses of Valtrex just as a preventative measure.


4) “You’re asking me what I am? I’m tan, that’s what I am.” —Snooki
We’ve been on the Snooki For President In 2024 bandwagon for as long as said bandwagon has existed. In fact, if memory serves, we started it! Anyway, we have already seen Shnickers tackle controversial, politically charged subjects like Obama’s 10% tanning tax and the sharp increase in this country’s lesbian rate, but frankly, this statement of pride for her heritage as a Tan person could be spun into a cornerstone of her eventual campaign. Where’s James Carville when you need him? If he could get Bill Clinton elected on the backbone of a simple phrase like “It’s the economy, stupid,” there’s no telling what he could do when Nicole Polizzi starts Snookin For The Oval Office.

Also? We love that this turn came out of a (somewhat earnest) conversation about Snooki’s bucket list. A list, mind you, that is topped off by bungee jumping. Down with discrimination!

3) “Cabs are here! Cabs are here! Cabs are here, bro. Cabs are here.” —DJ Pauly D
Have you ever seen such an unadulterated expression of joy? We haven’t. CABS ARE HERE!

2) “I’m drinking my horny goat weed, I’m gonna go masturbate and go to bed.” —J-WOWW
Memo To J-WOWW: Listen, we don’t know what kind of crazy substances are currently in your blood stream, okay? We’re guessing there’s a pretty solid blend of creatine, Red Bull, Ron Ron Juice and human growth hormone in there, but who are we to say? All we know is that you probably shouldn’t also be pounding horny goat weed, too. You already suffer from clear bouts of roid rage, and anything else in your system could lead to you developing a Chyna-sized clit (link extremely NSFW). We’re just watching out for you, that’s all. Xoxo, BWE.


1) “The girl was pretty much, uh, peed on by Ronnie. He peed in many different ways. And, uh, ya know, she just took it and smiled. Just like when you’re little and you want to believe Santa Claus is alive. F*ckin’ Santa Claus is dead.” —The Situation
We can’t decide what we liked the best about this moment on the show:
1) The fact that The Situation thinks that Santa Claus is actually dead, instead of realizing he’s a fictional character that never really existed in the first place (or did he?).
2) That for the entirety of this quote, the behind-the-mirror-cam caught Captain Smush humping the back of his beloved Sammi Sweetheart’s neck.
Which ever you prefer, there’s no denying it was the quote of the week (a week which, we hope you agree, was far and away the best of this second season of Jersey Shore).

Honorable Mention(s): “It’s like, put firecrackers in a dumpster. One match and [poof]!” —Ron Ron; “Alright, Kim Kardashian. You’re more like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island, you ugly b*tch.” —Vinny; “The sounds were horrendous and I never want to hear them again. It would basically be like, moaning, ‘Oh, what’s your last name?’ Moaning, ‘Do you have any kids?’ It was the most f*cked up night I ever had.” —J-WOWW; “Marco is a grenade, grundle, chode.” —Snooki

Now, this is normally the time when I say “Until next week!” However, thanks to the benevolent programmers over at MTV, we only have to wait TWO MORE DAYS until the next episode of Jersey Shore. That’s right, a brand new ep airs on Sunday night, right before the VMAs. So…

Until Monday!
—Juice Springsteen

PS: One other thing we forgot to mention. Are you on the Facebooks? If so, be sure and check out the Jersey Shore app! Actually, it’s less of an app and more of a game, but either way, you’ll dig it!
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