Saturday, September 18, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

This Article About Future Airplanes Needs To Shut Up

Posted: 17 Sep 2010 03:56 PM PDT

Well, guys.  I just read the stupidest f*cking article I’ve ever read on the Huffington Post.  And it’s a slow Friday, so now I’m going to talk about that.  The article is about concept airplanes.  You know, like concept cars, but airplanes.  You get it.  The article is called Airbus Imagines an INVISIBLE Passenger Plane (capital lettering not my own, it was in the article).  Also, the article is so stupid that they didn’t even list an authors name, so I will refer to him as “Hemingway.” Let’s get going.

The article begins:

At the Farnborough International Airshow earlier this year, Airbus unveiled the Airbus Concept Plane, an “engineer’s dream about what an aircraft could look like in the long term future,” explained Charles Champion, executive vice president of engineering.  The company’s engineers have imagined a plane that could become invisible with the push of a button.

Are you f*cking kidding me, Hemingway? Did you just write an article about a thing that some guy just IMAGINED?  You can’t do that.  You can’t write an article about an idea for something that will never happen, that nobody wants and that isn’t even a good idea.  What are you doing?  Shut up.  Also, Airbus is the stupidest name for an airplane building company I’ve ever heard.  I know that’s not your fault, but still.  You’re an idiot.

It would be lighter and slimmer than current planes, with semi-embedded engines, trim wings, and a U-shaped tail designed to “improve environmental performance or ‘eco-efficiency,’” according to Airbus.

Oh. Wow.  Thank god.  I was worried there for a minute that this guy’s idea for AN AIRPLANE THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN might not have a U-shaped tail design to improve environmental performance or eco-efficiency.  Way to give me design specs on AN IMAGINARY THING.  You maybe want to wrap up the worst article in history?  That would be great.

Don’t get your hopes up, however: “It’s not a real aircraft and all the technologies it features, though feasible, are not likely to come together in the same manner,” Champion notes.

Yeah.  We know.  That’s why you shouldn’t have written this article.  That’s the whole… do you…  whyyyyyyy do you not know what news is?

Anyway, if one of you wants to copy and paste this article that I’ve written and then make snarky commentary about that, please feel free to do so.  I am well aware I wasted all of your time.  Sorry, everyone! Have a good weekend!

UPDATE IN RESPONSE TO COMMENTS: Guys, they’re talking about an invisible passenger plane.  That’s why it’s a bad idea despite all your weird I Spy/Superhero fantasies.  First of all.  Safety.  No duh.  It’s a lot easier for things to hit each other when they’re INVISIBLE.  And second, about a fourth of the population is a xanax and a sympathetic significant other away from ruing all their pants when they fly.  The last thing they need to have taken away its the visible barrier between them and the earth 30,000 feet below (the article mentions that the plane would also be invisible to the passengers.)  Now let’s try this again.  Have a good weekend.

Bad Credit Is This Chubby Bald Dude In A Hockey Mask

Posted: 17 Sep 2010 01:34 PM PDT

Ever wonder what Bad Credit looks like? Spoiler: It’s a chubby bald dude in a Jason Mask who picks his ear. Frankly, I find the car salesman’s reaction to be highly unprofessional — what if someone came in to buy a car and had a strangely disfigured child? I’m having a lot of problems with characters in commercials today.

Regardless, it’s nice to finally know what Bad Credit looks like (kind of). I haven’t been this excited since the Doctor Claw action figure came out and I finally got to what he looks like. Never mind, that totally sucked. So this is way better:

Jimmy Fallon’s “Name That Guy” Is The Guy-Naming Game Show Of The Year

Posted: 17 Sep 2010 12:50 PM PDT

The game show “Name That Guy” may just be a brief Late Night With Jimmy Fallon sketch, but honestly, if it were an actual show I’d watch the crap out of it. Though granted, I’d watch anything that freely incorporates Home Improvement graphics. Like Home Improvement reruns, for example. That’s the only example. But I would watch this:

Part 2 after the jump:

The Umpire In This Haggar Ad Is Such An A**hole

Posted: 17 Sep 2010 11:13 AM PDT

Here’s an ad for Haggar apparel that’s currently running during Mets games. In 15 seconds, it changed my opinion of Haggar’s from “no opinion” to “Haggar’s umpire is a d*ck.”

Why is this umpire so angry and unreasonable? The guy is dressed totally fine! Plus the suit guy looks like an even bigger a-hole in his photo montage. And who wears a suit to baseball games?

No, YOU’RE out of here, Haggar commercial! I just threw it out of the internet.

Project How Do You Feel About This: Pregnant Chelsea Handler Video

Posted: 17 Sep 2010 12:18 PM PDT

Sometimes one of my friends will upload a video right up onto the internet and I will love it so much.  What I’m about to have you watch is one of those videos.  When I love a video the way I love this video, it is very hard for me to look at it objectively and make a competent decision as to whether or not you guys, the readers of this blog, will in any way enjoy it.  So what I’m going to ask is that, after you watch the video, you tell me how you feel about it in hopes that it will improve my future video posting judgment.  Did you like it?  Did you hate it?  Did it scare you?  This is Project How Do you Feel About This.

A brief explanation:  This is a single, very quick moment from the MTV Music Awards that Joe Mande posted to his blog.  I didn’t watch the MTV music awards so I have no context for this.  It appears to be Chelsea Handler dressed in a pregnant suit while running and yelling, “We’ll be right back!”  This is from a few weeks ago, so it is in no way still relevant pop-culture-wise.  But I just saw it yesterday, so give me a break.  Wait, no!  Don’t!  This is Project How Do YOU Feel About This, Not Operation Give Noah A Break.  Do not give me a break.  Take relevancy into account if you feel that is a criterion upon which your opinion should be based.  Commence project.

Well, guys?  Let’s hear it.  How do you feel about this?

UPDATE: So far it is unanimous!  People hate it!  I want to clear something up though.  This is not an endorsement of Chelsea Handler’s comedic talents.  I am not say that she’s being funny here.  I actually have no opinion on Chelsea Handler.  I just think her monster voice and out of context pregnant suit is scary/silly and funny in a way that I completely understand literally every single one of you not understanding.

So A Tornado Touched Down In Brooklyn Yesterday

Posted: 17 Sep 2010 09:52 AM PDT

Yeahhhh!!!! You ain’t nevah seen no tornadoes til you seen New Yawk tornadoes!!! We gots the best pizza, we gots the best bagels, we gots the best baseball, and now we got the best TORNADOES!! FUGGADABOUTDATORNADO!!!! We also gots the best shrubs, the best broadband, the best merry-go-rounds, the best calcium…

Your Eastbound And Down Season 2 Publicity Photo

Posted: 17 Sep 2010 09:20 AM PDT

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way for stars of a tv show to appear at press junkets for publicity shots, but I think we can all agree that any photo involving a donkey in a sombrero is better than one without:

Eastbound, you’ve done it again! Now let’s start that season! September 26th??? Agggghhhhhhhh just come out!

In the meantime, an additional “Kenny n’ Donkey, Palz” pic, after the jump:
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