Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

AD WIZARDS: Switch To DirecTV And Get Voodoo-Tortured By A Saints Fan

Posted: 14 Sep 2010 09:17 AM PDT

For a few weeks now, NFL Sunday Ticket has been advertising with a series of commercials featuring a visiting fan watching his home team’s NFL games in a visiting city and getting a hard time from the locals. It’s a solid campaign — Simple, fun, humorous, and non-torture related.

Except for this one, in which a Falcons fan invites the wrath of his New Orleans neighbor, and the result is slightly more disturbing than one would expect from an ad that’s trying to sell you the product that is resulting in this man’s excruciating torture. What would the Mad Mans say about this ad??

Flashbacks of the voodoo-torture part in Child’s Play, anyone?

Good Times: New Eastbound and Down Trailer

Posted: 14 Sep 2010 07:55 AM PDT

Remember when sort of a long time ago Eastbound and Down staring Danny McBride premiered on HBO and we were all like, “What a high quality show that I like!  Let’s get a season two going immediately!”  And then… that just kept not happening for a really long time.  Babies have been conceived and born since then.  Best friends have gotten engaged and tickets to Hawaii for very unreasonable wedding locales have been purchased.  New contacts have been ordered.  Deodorant brand loyalties have been switched.   Roommates have caught you drunk, eating cold Progresso clam chowder out of the can.  This has all happened to all of us, right?  This isn’t too personal.

Anyway, Eastbound and Down is back and here is a trailer for it.  Enjoy yourselves.  And, for the love of Pete, just microwave your chowder for like three minutes.  Honestly, you’re disgusting.

Good Morning And Here’s A Jarring Entertainment Headline

Posted: 14 Sep 2010 06:56 AM PDT

From the Huffington Post entertainment section:

Jesus. If there was ever a time to bury the lede…   “So, no one told you life was gonna be this way.” – Proverb about reading David Schwimmer / rape headlines early in the morning.

Now let’s give this a little context.

David Schwimmer may be known as lovable goofball Ross on “Friends,” yet he has gone back to his dramatic roots for his latest directing project on the searing rape story “Trust.”

Jesus again!  Searing rape stories are the WORST!  Friends don’t let friend get involved in searing rape stories.  And by that, I mean blah blah blah television, mumble, comment about Chandler and Joey.  Uch.  I can’t even construct a Friends joke because am so disturbed by the idea of the SEARING RAPE STORY DIRECTED BY DAVID SCHWIMMER.

Wait, no.  Sorry, actually I have another Friends quote joke. “Could this rape story BE any more searing?” -Chandler Bing reviewing this movie.  Let’s read a little more from the article?  Sure.

[Schwimmer's] role as perpetually lovesick Ross on “Friends” made him a star and his best-known big-screen role is providing the voice of the nervous giraffe in the “Madagascar” animated movies…

Movie Executive #1: Hey remember the Friends guy who did the voice for that nervous giraffe?

Movie Executive #2:  Oh yea, Ross!

Movie Executive #1: Yeah!  We should get him to direct our SEARING RAPE STORY!

So, that was a real conversation that happened.  But let’s all pretend none of this is happening, okay?  Thank you.  Thank you and good morning.

Note To Hollywood: Killer Shrimp Is The Next Blockbuster

Posted: 14 Sep 2010 06:22 AM PDT

Piranha 3D has racked up about $25 million at the domestic box office since its Aug. 20 release date. Not too shabby, but not exactly gangbusters. Maybe that’s because it’s the second time the movie’s been remade. Are piranhas getting old or what? Answer: Yes. What horror fans really need is a new variety of mutant animal to go crazy and devour human flesh — and preferably ones that are a real-life threat. Enter Killer Shrimp!

Yes, Killer Shrimp have invaded the UK for reals! According to the BBC, these “predatory” and “vicious” shrimp bite and shred their prey to death — but often leave it uneaten. How perfectly savage. You couldn’t make this stuff up. Never mind that their unfortunate prey is only wimpier shrimp and small fish. This is Hollywood were talking about.

Here’s the plot: An army of thousands of little shrimp are swimming towards a pack of stupid spring breakers. The boys are drinking out of beer bongs in rafts. The girls are having a wet T-shirt contest. Snooki is there. For the first three-quarters of the movie, the shrimp are trying to reach their targets but it’s taking a long time because shrimp don’t have fins and they aren’t fast swimmers. The audience might also be a little confused because all shrimp look so cute and harmless. But, remember, these are Killer Shrimp, even though they look like the shrimp you eat in shrimp cocktail, and they are super pissed that humans have spent centuries trapping them and ripping the shells off their bodies. It’s payback time! The movie ends in a total blood bath.

Bragging rights to anyone who can think of the best tag line for Killer Shrimp: The Movie©!

Slutty Cookie Monster Costume Raises Numerous Male Fantasy Questions

Posted: 13 Sep 2010 03:18 PM PDT

Ever wanted to have sex with Cookie Monster and/or someone wearing Cookie Monster’s slaughtered flesh like a dress a la Silence of the Lambs? Here’s the Sexy Cookie Monster Halloween Costume for you:

And in case you’re thinking to yourself, “It’s not automatically sexual, it could just be a nice blue dress and severed Cookie Monster head for the nonsexual Cookie Monster fan,” check out the item description:

She did it all for the cookie.

She’s blue, she’s beautiful and she’s hungry—for love! This sassy Cookie Monster costume will turn heads at your next costume bash. Includes plush blue minidress, character face headband and bright blue knee highs with white bow accents.

It also comes with a sash that says “DEFINITELY SEXUAL COOOOOOKIE!!!!!” in all caps.

I’m not here to lecture you youngsters about appropriate costumes — I’m not too old-fashioned to know that you dames like showing yer gams on Hallow’s Eve — but personally, potential Sexy Cookie Monsters, you put me in an awkward position when you simultaneously tap into the nostalgia and arousal halves of my brain. Those things are kept very separate for a reason, and when you confront me with the image of Cookie Monster’s head and also American Apparel Billboard legs, you’re basically mind-molesting me. Then if Elmo pops into my head and I still have a leftover erection, that’s it, my mind gets arrested by the Inception SVU mind-police. Thanks a lot! Is what I’ll say when that happens.

(via Consumerist)

R.J. Fletcher Dies At 96

Posted: 13 Sep 2010 02:17 PM PDT

Veteran character actor Kevin McCarthy passed away this weekend in Massachusetts at the age of 96. McCarthy is best known for his roles in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, UHF, and in a lighter, less legitimate turn, as Biff in the stage and film versions of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman.

Of course, individuals of my generation and dumb-movie-loving ilk will forever remember him as the sinister Channel 8 magnate R.J. Fletcher, the man who totally chewed out Michael Richards a good 15 years before the rest of the world did. So long, R.J. — your cartoony bastard laugh is gone but not forgotten (in the wall posts of my dorky peers this week).

Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown: The Ho Equation

Posted: 13 Sep 2010 02:20 PM PDT

After a triumphant, transcendant, and tranny-free episode of Jersey Shore aired on Thursday night — some say the best episode of the show’s relatively lackluster second season — we found ourselves once again watching our fair guidos stumbling in their attempts to conquer M.I.A. last night. With the exception of Angelina and DJ Pauly D, everyone seems to be down on their luck: After failing to convert in the bedroom, The Situation was left in the unenviable position of eating an early morning egg sandwich while watching Pauly D romp in the sack not five feet away from him; Snooki got bonked in the schnozz with an errant volleyball; the Vin Man got stood up; Sammi Sweetheart, Ron Ron and J-WOWW barely left their bedrooms. Fortunately, Vinny’s Uncle Nino showed up on the scene to contribute some My Blue Heaven-esque nyuk nyuk moments, so all was not lost. So, fellow juiceheads, please follow along as we count down this week’s Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown.


10) “That looks like a really creepy scene right now.” —Ron Ron
Creepy? We see nothing creepy about it. Nope, nothing at all. Not an ounce of creepiness. OHHHHHHHHHHH!

9) “I went to the doctor. He said, ‘Stop drinkin’, stop doin’ drugs, stop havin sex.’ You know what i did? I switched f*ckin doctors.” —Uncle Nino
Ohhh! Bada bing! OHHHHHHHHHHH! Sure, this joke might’ve been taken out of the Rodney Dangerfield “No Respect” playbook, but we’re just glad he didn’t punctuate it by bellowing, “Take my wife, please!”


8) “I can’t believe your chick bounced. Did you try to put it in her butt or somethin’? Why did she leave?” —Pauly D
Was it just us or was Sitch acting really date-rapey last night? Even his wingman described his behavior as being “super obnoxiously aggressive.” Dial it down a notch, Sorrentino, and be sure to lay off J-WOWW’s stash of horny goat weed the next time you hit Tantra. Play it like Pauly D — you know, the “sweet, smooth, cool nice guy stuff” — and things will go much better for you.

7) “Gelato!” —DJ Pauly D
Pauly is, without a doubt, the most positive person in South Beach. The sheer glee that he exhibits in his everyday life is make even life’s most mundane tasks and accomplishments — CABS ARE HERE! — seem as exciting as winning the lottery.

6) “I thought I was going to be smashing for a little bit. What the hell, now i gotta go smash myself.” —The Situation (35 mins)
As the old saying goes, when life gives you lemons, you make yourself an egg sandwich, crawl into bed, watch your roommate make out and then masturbate. Then make lemonade.


5) “You were gonna buy the kid a birthday gift. A Happy Birthday, ‘I banged my f*cking roommate.’ Ohhhhh!”
“Happy Birthday present, Angelina! Remind me not to get you somethin’.” —The Situation and DJ Pauly D
This one even got J-WOWW cracking up. Funny as it may be, the truth of the matter is that Angelina “Jolie”, aka the Staten Island Dump, is the most prolific playa in the house at the moment. And that says a lot about the overall quality of this season of Jersey Shore so far, doesn’t it?


4) “You never wanna have no chicks, so the best thing to do is, um, line up a bunch of chicks.” —DJ Pauly D
Pauly D is nothing if not ruthless in his efficiency with words.

3) “Vin, you’re my love. My heart, my blood, my love. Be careful. Make sure you do what gotta do with these young ladies. Do as many as you can. Don’t forget. Do a couple of extra ones for your Uncle Nino.” —Uncle Nino
Nino is the least intelligible (most unintelligible?) “Uncle” to appear on television since Don Vito on Jackass. Let’s just hope for Uncle Nino’s sake that he doesn’t end up becoming a convicted sex offender like Don Vito.


2) “You have proven an equation that people have been trying to solve for hundreds of years: That when you are nice to a girl, you take her on four dates, you snuggle with a girl, you buy her gifts, she will, she will NOT call you, she will play you the f*ck out, and then she will f*ck somebody three days later, somebody that she hates … Angelina has proven the Ho Equation.” —The Situation
It’s been a long time since we took an advanced mathematics class, so forgive us for this question: Did Angelina’s sluttastic behavior prove the Ho Equation or the Ho Theorem? We’re fairly certain that, like Pythogoras before him, the Sitch just penned a theorem, but we have been wrong before. Either way, after observing the Staten Island Dump’s behavior this season, we have arrived at this formula for the Ho Equation/Theorem:

If “(Dollar Value of Gifts Purchased X Number Of Times Spent Snuggling Without Sexual Activity) ÷ Number Of Dates > Total Number Of Days Couple Have Known Each Other”, then your woman is going to cheat on you.

Plain and simple!

1) “I don’t give a fuck. You had my sloppy seconds, good for you. And obviously, you’re a loosey goose, ‘cuz he got it in.” —Snooki
Snap! We already know that Vinnie has a dong the size of a watermelon, but that’s not the surprising part of this quote from our gal Schnickers. This quote intimates that Snook did NOT let Vin “get it in” in her “pin hole” in the first place. Or did we miss something? Either way, the important takeaway here is that Snooks slandered Angelina’s wizard sleeve on television. And that, dear friends, is why we love this show so!

Until Friday…
—Juice Springsteen

PS: One last bonus for youze guyz!

This Is On Every Website Today Because It Is The Best Thing Today

Posted: 13 Sep 2010 01:38 PM PDT

Normally, we at Best Week Every Dot Tee Vee try not to post things that you can see everywhere, but I am making an exception for this video.  This video is everywhere today and I absolutely believe that everyone is right for posting it.  This is a video about people in Amarillo, Texas (my home state!.) who protested against some other people who were trying to burn Qurans.  It’s nice to see that even when it seems like maybe everyone in all of these United States has gone evil-style insane, there are a lot of other people who are all like, “Dudes, you’re seriously a**holes for being evil-style insane.”  But it is not because of that sentiment that this is getting posted.  This is getting posted because of this one guy within the video who said the single best thing that has ever been said.  And this angle isn’t even unique.  EVERYONE is talking about this one guy when they post the video.  That’s how awesome this guy is.  Everyone has posted this video because it is great and then, beyond that, has specifically talked about this guy because of how even more great he is than the video as a whole.  A guy was trying to burn a Quran.  And this awesome guy explains what he did as follows: "Snuck up behind him and took his Quran. He said something about burning the Quran And I was like, 'Dude, you HAVE no Quran,' and ran off."  This happens at the 00:58 mark and you should watch it over and over again and remember that maybe not everyone is the worst.  Especially this guy.  He is the least worst there has ever been.

“We’re Team USA and we’re goin’ all the way.” – Coach Gordon Bombay

NFL WEEK ONE RECAP: Cramming Some Football Action Down Your Throat

Posted: 13 Sep 2010 01:44 PM PDT

Because I love the NFL and so do some of you and it’s kind of pop culturey and I like stupid pictures and videos, here’s the first of what I hope will become a recurring feature unless I get lazy, your NFL Week 1 Recap in stupid pictures and videos. Here are this week’s games, in no particular order:

Bears 19, Lions 14

Sadly, the most talked-about story in Week One (aside from the gripping Browns/Bucs opener) was an unfortunate overturned Calvin Johnson touchdown catch that likely cost the Detroit Lions a Week One road victory (though it was apparently the correct call).

Nevertheless, the reactions from my Detroit friends this morning are nicely summed up in this entertaining and extremely NSFW reaction video:

Redskins 13, Cowboys 7

With all due respect to LaDanian Tomlinson, Donovan McNabb is this season’s clear-cut favorite for the “Dude You Never Get Used To Seeing In His New Uniform” Award, aka the “Is Michael Jordan Really On The Wizards Or Is This Game I’m Watching Photoshopped” Memorial Trophy:

The Cowboys’ defense played great, holding Washington to 250 total yards, 3-for-13 on 3rd Downs, and just 6 offensive points, but in the end, even this fan’s topical Austin Powers-referencing sign couldn’t rally them to victory:

Dolphins 15, Bills 10

And with this correct Suicide Pool pick, I’ve already lasted as long as I did in my 2009 Pool; I violated my “Never Pick A Road Team” Rule, but instead opted to go with my equally studious “Man…Buffalo…” Rule.

I still can’t believe the Bills have opened the last two seasons with Dick Jauron and Chan Gailey as their head coaches. Which hot young up-and-comer will they eventually hire to replace Gailey? I’m betting they literally hire this patch:

Seahawks 31, 49ers 6

Yikes – the 49ers were Vegas’ favorites to win the ultra-crappy NFC West coming into the season but suffered the biggest bandwagon-emptying loss of any team in Week One, for which Niners coach and apparent S&M aficionado Mike Singletary thanked Seattle’s Pete Carroll.

On the plus side for San Fran, a Deadspin reader caught this amazing clip of Frank Gore magically appearing out of his own ass:

Patriots 38, Bengals 24

This one was over pretty quick, but fortunately, in a possible super-viral VH1 marketing move, Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco were both in the locker room for the Bengals’ last play of the First Half because they thought the half had ended, thus giving dads nationwide something to complain about this morning. Anyone else have this conversation?

Dads: “Can you believe those clowns left the field early??”

Us-es: “They probably just thought the half was over and went in to get IVs with the trainer, who cares, they got blown out anyway.”

Dads: “Otto Graham used ta play hard every second until the final whistle, then even played that final whistle hard, then jogged to the locker room hard and retaped his ankles hard with really hard tape dag nabbit!”

All Dads are 19th century prospectors, for the record.

Steelers 15, Falcons 9 (OT)

Yay, a Steeler victory and an ever-so-brief delay of my friends’ endless deserved Roethlisberger jokes!

As a bonus, Taylor Lautner was on the Heinz Field sidelines for some reason, experiencing the glory of my hometown firsthand:

Titans 38, Raiders 13

The Raiders have been getting some reluctant sleeper buzz the past couple weeks, but this outcome was never in doubt. Though I’m not sure if these two Titans fans understand that the idea of dressing up for a football game is to wear your team colors, not just show up as Troll Businessmen:

Giants 31, Panthers 18

The Giants’ regular season opener at the New Meadowlands was surprisingly up-for-grabs through the First Half, but a massive turning point occurred in the Third Quarter when Panthers QB Matt Moore came to a realization:

Texans 34, Colts 24

Just as a million monkeys typing on a million typewriters for infinity will eventually pick a correct Hamlet sleeper, after like 5 straight years of people saying “Keep an eye on the Texans this year,” they actually did something. Adding Storm Shadow to their defense definitely made a difference:

Buccaneers 17, Browns 14; Cardinals 17, Rams 13

These games happened.

Packers 27, Eagles 20

The Packers — everyone’s sudden pick to come out of the NFC — looked extremely shaky in the Second Half against the Eagles, but Philly’s comeback effort came up short despite an out-of-nowhere second half rally from Michael “I’ll Bet Even Green Bay Fans Were Pulling Out The Rape Stand Insults Sunday” Vick.

I kinda dug the Philly throwback uniforms, modeled here by concussed QB Kevin Kolb, who kind of looks like Billy Joel in his helmet:

Jaguars 24, Broncos 17

The Jags are this year’s early candidate to be the team that’s suddenly 6-2 before anyone remembers them, getting off to a solid start against Denver.

This Starter Jacket is pumped:

NFL Week One Thoughts? Any allegiances / grievances / officiating anger / game-watching stories / general football excitement / general football being-pissed / anything else you want to air? Air ‘em in the Comments.

Kindle Tries, Fails To Seem More Impressive Than iPad

Posted: 13 Sep 2010 12:28 PM PDT

Kindle…  For real, Kindle, what are you doing? I’m going to make everyone watch your commercial now and then we’re all going to make fun of you.

Oh, Kindle.  This was the wrong way to go about everything.  Nobody expects you to be an iPad.  You are a beige book with all the technology of a Tiger hand held video game.

Except for slightly less so, because Tiger hand held games at least had the appearance of color.  And yes, in fairness to you, it is hard to see an iPad in direct sunlight.  But you know where it’s hard to see a Kindle?  In anything less than direct sun light.  If somebody wants to read you at night they have to hook you up to an Itty Bitty Booklight that their parents bought for them in 1993.

F*cking disgusting, dude.  And when you say you’re cheaper than the iPad… Wow.  Obviously.  You are cheaper than an iPad the same way rollerblades are cheaper than a car.

Kindle, this is a fight you don’t want to get into.  This is not a PC vs. Mac type thing.  This is a glasses vs. telescope type thing.  I actually didn’t even fully realized how sad you are until I saw this commercial.  Bad job, Kindle.  Bad job.
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