Best Week Ever

There Wasn’t A New Jersey Shore Last Night, But This Oughta Tide You Over
Adam Lambert Whoops Ass, Keeps Manicure and Pedicure Intact
Jenny Slate And Gabe Liedman Are The Best At Being Besties
Obligatory Post: A Capella Cee Lo
Anyone Watch The MasterChef Finale? I Did!
A Kid Fainting And A Very Succinct Text Scroll
BWE Commenter Accurately Predicts Dude-You-Have-No-Quran Auto-tuning
The Human Sexipede: A Porn Version Of Human Centipede, But Less Hot
20 Celebrities Who Make Amazing Oprahs

There Wasn’t A New Jersey Shore Last Night, But This Oughta Tide You Over

Posted: 17 Sep 2010 08:30 AM PDT

Sadly, the reality television gods were not smiling down on us last night. Instead of showing a new episode of Jersey Shore, MTV decided to repeat the same show that they ran before the VMAs on Sunday (which we already recapped here, if you missed it). That said, your buddy Juice Springsteen has no plans to let you down.

For those of you starving for something, anything guido-related, the new(ish) video above of DJ Pauly D, Vinny Watermelon and Captain Smush beating up the beat in their hotel room to Yolanda Be Cool’s “We Speak No Americano” will certainly satiate your ravenous appetite for all things Sleazeside. Be sure to keep your eyes peeled for a Sammi Sweetheart cameo! Speaking of which, if you are of the mindset that our girl Sammi may have gotten some pre-VMA work done, cruise on over to TheFABLife for our exhaustive investigation into the matter.

Until next week!
—Juice Springsteen

Adam Lambert Whoops Ass, Keeps Manicure and Pedicure Intact

Posted: 17 Sep 2010 09:06 AM PDT

BWE BFF Adam Lambert taught the world a lesson that we already knew but sometimes forget: Gay people kick ass just like straight people — except sometimes they might look a little better doing it. Don’t think because a dude has his fingernails and toenails painted to perfection and is wearing what could only be described as gay beachwear that he won’t beat your parasitic ass to the ground if provoked. Glambert unleashed his can of whoopass yesterday on a paparazzo hounding him on Miami’s South Beach.

Bonus! Here are The Top 7 Scariest Pics of Adam Lambert Kicking Paparazzo Ass, from least to most:

[Photos: Splash News Online]

Jenny Slate And Gabe Liedman Are The Best At Being Besties

Posted: 17 Sep 2010 08:13 AM PDT

Jenny Slate and Gabe Liedman are two of my favorite friends/comedian people. They do a video series together called Bestie x Bestie and it is really a wonderful thing that I am very sure you will enjoy watching. On this episode they talk about the problem with book and they totally nail the problem with books.

For real, guys. That is truth.

Little side story: One time I very seriously upset Jenny’s grandparents when I disagreed with them about whether or not it was evil for Columbia University to have Mahmoud Ahmedinejad come speak at their campus.

Obligatory Post: A Capella Cee Lo

Posted: 16 Sep 2010 03:12 PM PDT

Right off the bat, I have to admit to something. I like a Cappella music. I wish I didn’t. I know it’s the worst; I know that. But my brain is terrible and I can’t help what it likes. “I’m gonna make it do what it do, baby.” – My brain talking about my brain.

I also hate internety things. I mean, I like them, but I hate that I like them. So, now this f*cking thing comes along and it’s super internety and it’s a Cappella and I don’t want to post it, but I have to. I’m SORRY! I’M VERY SORRY EVERYONE! Oof, this is gonna be bad. It’s Brown University’s Jaberwocks (these guys are the mimsiest borogovs) singing Cee Lo‘s F*ck You. Technically, it’s NS for W, but honestly, does anyone care? Whose boss is going to get upset about this? Where do you work, the Vatican? Turn off Cee Lo! The pope is coming! Pope Delicate IV is super strict about even the tamest use of swear words.

Thanks, Rats Off.

Anyone Watch The MasterChef Finale? I Did!

Posted: 16 Sep 2010 02:33 PM PDT

The two-hour Finale of Fox’s MasterChef aired last night — it was a busy night for Word-then-”Chef” shows — and because I had nothing to do from 8 to 10, I decided to watch it for the first time and catalog my thoughts on Top Chef’s latest network competitor.

Overall, the MasterChef Finale wasn’t bad, but the 2-hour “summer show filler” running time was a little painful, in addition to the show’s trademark characteristic of being incredibly overdramatized to an almost insulting degree, as though we couldn’t possibly sustain interest in a show that doesn’t punctuate every action that occurs with a THUD and the Crimson Tide soundtrack.

That said, in the spirit of democracy, here are my specific observations about how the show differed from Top Chef, in both good and bad ways (moooostly the latter). But first, the funniest shot from last night’s Finale:

After the winner (Whitney Miller) was announced, a bunch of confetti came pouring down from the the ceiling, along with some awkwardly-quiet stock “triumph” music. The runner up, David Miller — a somewhat arrogant dude with concrete-gelled hair — then gave his entire post-show interview with a big piece of confetti stuck to his gelled-ass hair, and the director clearly intentionally didn’t tell him about it:

Hard to see there. But it happened. And I LOLed. Maybe not MasterLOLed, but it was still better than no LOL.

Moving on, here are my observations about MasterChef vs. Top Chef, based entirely on the two hours of the series I just watched:

- MasterChef is full of narration from an unseen female voice, as opposed to Top Chef, which moves along organically and incorporates any exposition into the contestants’ testimonials, albeit sometimes awkwardly (“We hopped into this sick Toyota Avalon and went to Whole Foods, which was also sick. No I was not told to say that sentence, why?”) The voice does work to move things along, but it’s a little crutch-y, like the narration in Vicky Cristina Barcelona vs. the non-narration in Match Point, or the narration in this past week’s episode of Mad Men vs. the non-narration in every other episode of Mad Men ever.

- MC has a cliffhanger before every single commercial break. This obviously requires the show to manufacture cliffhangers by teasing clips that appear to show something super-major happening or about to happen, and after the commercial, 4 out of 5 times that thing wasn’t actually a big deal. It’s like the reality show version of Star Trek: The Next Generation. Or the reality show version of most reality shows. (If they ever do a reality show based on Next Generation, it is gonna have some serious cliffhangers. Way more than the movie Cliffhanger, which actually did not have many.)

For example, during the tasting portion of the final showdown, Gordon and Joe Bastianich each took a bite of David’s appetizer course and Joe started coughing — almost gagging — followed by a shot of David’s face panicking, followed by an abrupt cut to commercial. You ask yourself, “Did David just kill Joe and instantly lose the competition and now he’s being sued?” Then the show comes back from commercial and it turns out David’s appetizer was spicier than Joe had anticipated, but Joe loves it. Whew! Turns out the only Cliff there was the dude from Cheers. He is not life-threatening.

- Gordon kept saying the phrase “This looks good…but is it MasterChef material?” Um, we don’t know. We haven’t defined what MasterChef material is, because this is the first season. Unless we were supposed to have torrent-ed the British version and studied that. Or maybe he was actually asking everyone if things were MasterChef material to get a better idea of what that means, to then use that definition in subsequent seasons? Probably that.

- Gordon also called the Finale “The most important cooking competition going on, in America, tonight.” Wow, THE most important cooking competition going on in that country on that evening? That’s impressive. Like being the highest-grossing fantasy film of the February 5th box office weekend. And guess what? Because Top Chef aired last night, it wasn’t even true!

- In the Finale, the chefs each cooked only one plate of each dish, and the judges would all sample from the same plate, with Gordon tasting it first, then Graham, then Joe. The show would always be edited, though, so the next judge just had the food in front of them and was about to put a bite into their mouth, as though we wouldn’t notice it was all from the same plate. Personally, in a two-hour Finale, I would’ve wanted to see the awkward exchange where Gordon passes the plate to his subordinates and they have to cut around the part Gordon ate to find their own bites, not unlike some Viking king being full of a giant mutton leg and chucking it to his sex-guards.

- And last but not least, “Master Chef” really looks like “Master Chief,” the main character from the Halo games. If anyone wants to Photoshop something with that, I’ll link it, but I am currently spent.

Anyone watch MasterChef? Anyone going to continue watching / stop watching MasterChef? Anything about the series that I missed by only watching part of the Finale then writing this blog post (highly unlikely)? Leave any MasterChef reactions /general information in the comments.

A Kid Fainting And A Very Succinct Text Scroll

Posted: 16 Sep 2010 11:32 AM PDT

Choirs with children are already at least kind of funny. And when one of the kids in a choir faints, its also kind of funny. But this kid is above average in his funny choir fainting. He marches down the risers like a zombie, parting the other singing children like the Red Sea (or Sea of Reeds.. am I right?!). And then the text scroll at the end is comically fast. It might even be the best part of the video. So, I guess that just about sums up the whole video… Should I have put up a spoiler alert?

Really solid 44 seconds, internet.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

BWE Commenter Accurately Predicts Dude-You-Have-No-Quran Auto-tuning

Posted: 16 Sep 2010 01:41 PM PDT

On Monday we posted a video of a news story from Amarillo, Texas about how a bunch of people including a very awesome, shirtless hippie stopped a group from burning a Quran.

Haha! That dude was all, “Snook up behind him and grabbed his Quran. He said something about burning the Quran. I was like, ‘Dude, you HAVE no Quran,’ and ran off.” The video was great and made us all feel great about America.

Then a prophetic commenter posted this in our very own comment section:

Well, Meander, you are in serious luck. We now have an answer to your question. Two days is how long you have to wait for someone to auto-tune this thing. Everyone, here it is. The auto-tuned version of this thing.

Was it everything you hoped it would be?

Thanks, The Daily What.

The Human Sexipede: A Porn Version Of Human Centipede, But Less Hot

Posted: 16 Sep 2010 10:41 AM PDT

The Human Sexipede sounds like a slam-dunk “Check out this ridiculous porn parody!” idea, but the trailer below is absolutely bewildering — it’s actually, legitimately pretty funny and well-written. I’m not joking. And I don’t mean funny in a “Can you believe this crap?” kind of way – I laughed at several of the jokes in this. The effing is just icing on the cake.

Supporting Actor buzz for the German doctor, anyone? (Language and content NSFW, obviously):

The Human Sexipede Trailer | Girls | SPIKE.com

(via Buzzfeed)

20 Celebrities Who Make Amazing Oprahs

Posted: 16 Sep 2010 09:51 AM PDT

To celebrate her last season on television, and the apocalypse that will immediately follow, talk show legend Oprah Winfrey has added a new, terrifyingly fun feature to her website: Oprah-fy Yourself. That’s right, with just a few easy clicks, now you can be your own multi-billion dollar empire, flicking your arms to and fro, handing out cars and vacations and John Travolta-led travel adventures to everyone who crosses your path. In other words: Prepare to get extremely powerful.

Because we have interns, we decided to see what 20 of our most revered celebrities would look like “Oprah-fyed.” Here are the ~~terrifying~~ gorgeous results:

20. Conan O’Brien