Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Crushable

Crushable

Watch Jake Pavelka Awkwardly Make Small Talk with Ex Vienna Girardi’s Boyfriend on ‘Bachelor Pad 2′

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 12:07 PM PDT

As much as Vienna Girardi walking off the set of the Bachelor reunion with Jake Pavelka and Chris Hansen made for exciting TV, there’s something much more hilarious about the awkward encounter she had with Jake on last night’s premiere of Bachelor Pad 2. It’s the kind of thing you would see between any two exes: Jake introduces himself to the other guests while Vienna watches him warily. Then, when he gets to her, it’s both of them softly saying, “Hi.” Jake could have saved things if he’d just excused himself, but he rushed on with, “Good to see you. You look nice. And I met Kasey.” That would be Kasey Kahl, former Bachelorette contestant and Vienna’s new boyfriend.

For some reason, Vienna is robbed of speech while Jake and Kasey have a weird Mexican standoff. Then suddenly it’s the most cringe-worthy conversation about the weather and how cold everyone who’s not wearing a coat is. But Jake keeps pushing on, even as everyone starts snickering at him before they’ve gone back into the house.

As Matt Ritter pointed out in his Bachelor Pad 2 recap, Jake is trying to play like he’s the new cool kid at school — cracking jokes and trying to be Mr. Smooth. This is the kind of bad conversation skills you’re supposed to see only in bad romantic comedies about socially awkward people in love.

And it’s clear that no one on The Bachelor Pad is actually in love.

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Poll: Which Supporting Character Do You Want to See in the ‘Hills’ Movie?

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 11:20 AM PDT

Now don’t get too excited: Nothing is set in stone yet. Audrina Patridge was on Ryan Seacrest‘s radio show this morning, where she said that enough time has passed since the series finale of The Hills (in 2010) that she could see herself and the other cast members getting together to do a movie. God knows that creator Adam DiVello — whose only producing credits are within the incestuous web of Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The City — needs the work. And now that Speidi is dead broke and looking for new reality jobs, the stars could have aligned enough to bring about this unasked-for big-screen sequel.

But the truth is, we don’t actually care about Ol’ Ceiling Eyes and her friends. The real stars we want involved are the fake love interests and faker co-workers that populated their tiny world! If DiVello and MTV could track these bystanders down and pay them enough money, we’d shell out to see their mugs on a forty-foot screen.

  • You can’t have a Hills reunion without Justin Bobby, the shaggy-haired lothario who ran over Audrina’s heart with his motorcycle more than once. And then he dated Kristin Cavallari. This one’s a keeper — probably not good for Audrina’s sanity, but his every line and facial expression is comic gold.
  • Kelly Cutrone is a “minor” character only in number of episodes; she was one of the show’s biggest presences, there to tell Lauren when to stop being an asshole and do her job. Really interesting was seeing her bond with Whitney Port on The City; you could see that Kelly had a soft spot for women who wanted to work hard.
  • We never knew whose friend Jen Bunney was supposed to be, since Lauren once gave her a diamond necklace, but then Jen made out with Lauren’s ex Brody Jenner at her birthday party. Once Lauren kicked her to the curb, Jen crawled over to Heidi’s camp, but Heidi also turned on her: Jen quit her job to star in a reality show with Heidi, but then the latter backed out. That showdown is exactly what we want to see in the movie.
  • It would make sense to have Jason Wahler only if Lauren joins the movie… or, actually, we could just watch him go after yet another unsuspecting young lady who doesn’t know of his cheating ways.
  • I think Elodie was my favorite female character: Heidi’s co-worker at Bolthouse Productions, who would stare vacantly and nod when Heidi was fretting over her latest fight with Spencer. But poor Elodie made the mistake of telling  Heidi she was going for a promotion, only for Heidi to step in and yank it away from her.

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Video: Two Girls Dressed as Mario and Luigi Do a Fantastic ‘Super Mario Bros.’ Swing Dance

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 11:00 AM PDT

Swing dancing’s pretty cool in a time-long-past way, right? And we all grew up with Super Mario Bros. on our Gameboys or Wiis. Bet you never thought they could be combined! Dancers Morgan Day and Emily Wigger debuted this amazing mash-up at the Camp Hollywood 2011 National Jitterbug Championship; there have been a couple grainy versions going around the Internet, but here’s a high-quality version from Swing! The Documentary. What’s incredible is the amount of detail that went into planning this routine: The choreography matches the gameplay of sliding down pipes and eating magic mushrooms, yet still looks like swing.

Also, it takes major balls for these women to stay out on the dance floor in their Mario and Luigi costumes even after the music shorts out and they’re standing there in silence. But it’s obvious that the entire crowd is supporting them not only in their geeky choice of costume and music, but as dancers, too.

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Crushable Presents: ‘Bachelor Pad 2′ Superlatives (AKA Welcome To STD Central)

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 11:01 AM PDT

Finally, the moment very few people have been waiting for: the 3 hour season premiere of Bachelor Pad. Shame on you ABC for making us stay up so late on a Monday. Considering that this show is basically an excuse for crazy people to act crazy while hooking up and breaking up with each other over and over again, we’re taking this opportunity to award superlatives for this season’s contestants. Enjoy!

Best Teaser line of the night:

Jake: "You guys came in here with a preconceived notion of who I am."

What did you expect?  You have been making an ass out of yourself in the public eye for over two years yet have the gall to act like a high school kid who moved to a new town with false rumors flying about why he had to switch schools.

Runner up:

Ella: "I will punch her in the face over and over again until I break her nose."

Jeez Ella, how many punches would it take to break someone's nose? It only takes 7 pounds of pressure.

3rd place:

Michael

Here he is crying about a breakup: "It's worth much more than 250k"
Is he talking about his failed relationship or about a large bag of Nepalese coins?

Most likely to have post-Bachelor Pad relevance:

Michelle Money

Whatever happens on Bachelor Pad, the world needs more of her. She's hot and crazy and a fame hound. I'm not really sure why we can't just officially make her a Kardashian sister. Would anyone object to that?

Best Feud:

Kasey and Jake

This night was all about the two wanna be tough guys. Kasey (aka the Red Skull from Captain America) came out guns blazing with a nice scripted punchline:

"I gotta take a Jake and wipe my Pavelka."

Too bad they are both completely non-violent, fake tough guys. How do I know they are not tough? Because Kasey said if he had the chance he'd kick Jakes ass. There's really nothing stopping him. Instead he went with "I'm mentally beating the crap out of him." And of course Jake–not to be outpansied–said he was "afraid for his safety." Lame.

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Gallery: Emma Stone’s Wigs In “The Help” Deserve A Razzie

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 10:18 AM PDT

Emma Stone must have done something really bad to her stylist on the new movie The Help. In the movie, she plays a young debutante named Skeeter who writes a book from the perspective of the black maids in 1960s Jackson, Mississippi. She wants to get their employers (who are also her friends) to start treating “the help” better.  The premise is a little weird, considering it's a story of black empowerment told through the eyes of a pretty, rich white girl. Even stranger?

The terrible, terrible wigs that Emma Stone is forced to wear throughout. That still above is the most natural her hair looks throughout the whole movie. It’s an especially weird choice, considering that Emma looks like she’s starring in a makeover movie instead of a potentially powerful film about racial inequality.  A girl with bad hair and glasses who keeps tripping? It’s sort of a recipe for disaster. Click through this gallery to see  exactly how bad movie wigs can get.

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Hot Shot: Jim Sturgess Smiles at the ‘One Day’ Premiere

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 10:13 AM PDT

Jim Sturgess and Anne Hathaway‘s new flick One Day held its premiere last night in New York City. The film chronicles a pair of friends/sometimes romance-partners throughout their intersecting lives, revealing a single day from each year. In this photo, Jim’s smile seems to perfectly capture the charming sentiment of the flick.

“Do you have a secret, buddy? You look like you do. Come on, you can tell me. Really? Aw, I love you, too!”

(via Getty)

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Video: 2Cellos Cover ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit,’ Prove Cello Can Be Badass

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 10:09 AM PDT

The same Croatian cello duo that brought you that amazing cover of “Smooth Criminal” is back, and this time they’re tackling Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” “Smells Like Teen Spirit?” you say. “I’ve heard that song so many times I’m not even sure I like it anymore. Nirvana had other songs, you know.” I thought the same thing. But trust me. It’s good.

Watch the video. Have you ever seen a cellist headbang like that?? If so, I want to know what kind of classical music concerts you go to. The two cellists, Luca Sulic and Stjepan Hauser, just released a cover album that’s available on their website and iTunes, so go buy it if you want to hear U2, Nine Inch Nails, and Guns N’ Roses covered in the nerdiest way possible. They recently signed to Sony Masterworks on the strength of their Youtube popularity, so good for them.

And if you like the cello rock thing but wish someone would write some original songs of their own, might I recommend a little band from Brooklyn called Rasputina? Band leader Melora Creager has been at it since the nineties, and she’s got more humor, creativity, and sheer punk rock chutzpah than you can shake a bow at. Check them out:

(I realize this is a cover. There are originals, too. They are wonderful.)

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The Daily WTF: Artists Injected Herself with Horse Blood to Feel More Horselike

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 08:56 AM PDT


An artist named Marion Laval-Jeantet created a very convoluted and confusing work called “May the Horse Live in Me” that, to the best of my understanding, involves some sort of recognition of the myth of the centaur. All that really matters here is: Marion injected herself with horse blood. As an art project. Which strikes me as pretty horrifying and silly.

Maybe she’s just vying to play the horse in a production of Equus? People have done crazier things to get Daniel Radcliffe into bed.

(via BuzzFeed)

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Singer-Songwriter Gavin DeGraw Has The Unluckiest Night Ever

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 08:50 AM PDT

Singer-songwriter Gavin DeGraw (i.e. the guy who wrote the theme song for One Tree Hill) was hospitalized yesterday morning after meeting with multiple bouts of bad luck late Sunday night. According to TMZ, he said goodnight to his buddies a little before 4am, only to be attacked by multiple assailants as he made his way home. (As of now, it’s unclear what the attackers’ motivation was; I’m going to guess it was an attempted robbery, but perhaps they were not fans of his music?)

Next, after the meanies had stopped hitting him, he wandered in a daze to 19th St. and 1st Ave., where he was hit by a cab. Oof.

TMZ says he’s being treated for “a concussion, broken nose, black eyes, cuts and bruises,” and that the attack is still being investigated. He’s been forced to cancel the show he was going to play in Saratoga Springs, NY tonight opening for Maroon 5 and Train. While some might be tempted to make a joke about how he brought bad karma upon himself by making music for the d-berry soul patch crowd, I’m not going to, because that would be mean. Instead, I dub this Say Something Nice About Gavin DeGraw day. Here, I will start. He has kind eyes. Was that so hard? Your turn.

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Stay Away from a ‘Clue’ Reboot, Hollywood!

Posted: 09 Aug 2011 08:12 AM PDT

In today’s inadvertently good news, Universal has put the brakes on a remake of Clue. Let’s all breathe a sigh of relief, because no studio should ever get close to anything vaguely resembling a board game with six guests, six weapons, and murder in a mansion. Unfortunately, Gore Verbinski (Pirates of the Caribbean) still wants to adapt the story, but move the action onto a “global” scale. That sounds like some sort of spy caper — and it’s still not good enough. Nothing will ever match the genius of Jonathan Lynn‘s quotable comedy from 1985, starring Tim Curry as the butler who leads six strangers through the strange murders that take place at their dinner party.

The smartest thing that Lynn and his collaborators did was take Clue‘s script away from the board game entirely. Obviously Mr. Boddy’s mansion remains the same, but the writers set the mystery against 1950s McCarthyism, setting up conspiracy theories about Washington, D.C. and weapons of mass destruction. No, I was wrong — the very smartest thing was making the familiar names of Mr. Green, Mrs. White, etc., into the guests’ pseudonyms and giving them secrets they’d kill to keep quiet.

There’s not a single person in this movie who isn’t a hilarious character. From Michael McKean as stuttering, gay Mr. Green to Eileen Brennan as the squawking Mrs. Peacock to the unruffled Wadsworth (one of the best roles of Tim Curry‘s career), it’s one of the strongest ensemble casts in film. I’ll stop gushing and just post the trailer:

And for those of you who’ve watched it so many times that you can repeat Mrs. White’s “flames” speech, here are the movie’s best moments.

If Gore Verbinski wants a spy thriller, he should adapt Spy Web: You have a grid where each square represents a major city. From your stack of spies, you arrange them so that one is planted in each city. Each spy is pointing at, listening to, or talking to a spy on any side of him/her — your goal is to ask the other player, “Who is Stingray listening to?” or “Who is Leech pointing at?” Verbinski and co. could have a lot of fun especially with the visual medium of film.

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