Best Week Ever |
- Robert Redford Gets Exhausted Drinking Water
- Full List Of 2011 Oscar Nominees (And Predictable Predictions)
- TV GUIDE-MAGEDDON: We Are Doomed
- Dog Walk On Hind Legs, Works The Catwalk
- New York Post Kills It Again With Topical “No Supe For You” Headline
- MY MOTHER RECAPS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA: The Epitome Of Chutzpah
- Newspaper Owned By Fox Agrees: American Idol Is Great!
| Robert Redford Gets Exhausted Drinking Water Posted: 25 Jan 2011 08:35 AM PST Hey, Robert Redford! Maybe you want to take a break from that water? Perhaps get a smaller, less heavy bottle of water? No, you look great, we’re just trying to make it easiest for you. Hello? Robert?
Thanks, Splash. |
| Full List Of 2011 Oscar Nominees (And Predictable Predictions) Posted: 25 Jan 2011 08:25 AM PST
Your full list of 2011 Oscar nominees, complete with my rambly, obvious predictions. Feel free to leave your own reactions / predictions in the comments: Best Picture Black Swan - Has to be Social Network unless the Academy goes out of its way to push against the Globes, in which case Black Swan has an outside shot. The King’s Speech is too relatively obscure to win the year after Hurt Locker – they’ll probably tend towards a more generally well-known film, plus Social Network double-rewards David Fincher and Aaron Sorkin. Two birds with one awkward stone that we had no idea would be such a juggernaut when we first heard about the idea of the movie and chuckled. Actor in a Leading Role Javier Bardem in “Biutiful” - Obviously Colin Firth. Javier Bardem and Jeff Bridges already have their Oscars (otheriwse Bridges definitely would have a shot), and Eisenberg and Franco will get overlooked with the ol’ “they’ll have another chance someday” rationalization. Actress in a Leading Role Annette Bening in “The Kids Are All Right” - Natalie Portman’s the obvious choice, but Annette Bening has a shot because she’s older and been nominated before and might pull some “it’s about time” votes (i.e., Bridges last year). It’d also be likely the only award “The Kids Are All Right” could win, whereas voters may feel like “Black Swan” is adequately compensated if it wins some art direction or costume awards. Actor in a Supporting Role Christian Bale in “The Fighter” - Christian Bale’s a pretty big favorite for this one; Jeremy Renner will win someday but not for “The Town,” and Geoffrey Rush has already won, plus The Fighter was basically designed to get its cast Oscars (working title was “Fightin’ For Oscars”). Actress in a Supporting Role Amy Adams in “The Fighter” - Again, I feel like the Academy is gonna feel some pressure to appear discerning and not just repeat the Globe winners, but this category really seems like Melissa Leo’s to lose. Although – ANIMAL KINGDOM! Directing “Black Swan,” Darren Aronofsky - It’s Fincher’s time, especially with some Benjamin Button guilt thrown in there. Keep at it, Aronofsky, David O. Russell, and Christopher Nolan – you’ll win eventually, just got to lose a few more times first (the Oscar equivalent of hitting more open mics). Animated Feature Film “How to Train Your Dragon” Chris Sanders and Dean DeBlois - If Toy Story hadn’t been nominated for Best Picture, I wouldn’t have been totally shocked if “How To Train Your Dragon” — a successful and well-reviewed non-Pixar film, like former winner “Happy Feet” — took the upset, but it seems just a tad anticlimactic to have one of the three as a Best Picture Nominee (unless voters deem Toy Story a better picture than it functions as an animated feature, which would be amusing). Guess they’ll save their next “break from Pixar” year for whenever “Cars 2″ comes out. Art Direction “Alice in Wonderland” - Aaand we’re getting into “why even predict it except for addicted Oscar pool junkies” territory. King’s Speech might snag one or two of these production awards, but I think the voters will use the art direction / cinematography / special effects lot to acknowledge some of the films that aren’t winning the above awards, like Inception, possibly True Grit, and Black Swan (especially if Natalie Portman loses). Cinematography “Black Swan,” Matthew Libatique - The cinematographer for Social Network is named “Jeff Cronenweth?” To go along with lead editor Mike Cronenbloom and gaffer Nick Cronenman and best boy David Cronennotberg. Costume Design “Alice in Wonderland,” Colleen Atwood - “I AM LOVE” BETTER F***ING WIN GOD DAMMIT! Nah, don’t care. Hey remember “The Tempest”? Documentary (Feature) “Exit through the Gift Shop,” Banksy and Jaimie D’Cruz - Nothing for “Winnebago Man”? Dang. Documentary (Short Subject) “Killing in the Name” - About time someone did a shortform documentary on Rage. (Killing in the Name? This thing on? Man this list is long.) Film Editing “Black Swan” - Usually an easy category for the Best Picture winner to pad its total. Might’ve thought “Inception” had a chance but never mind, probably just another one for Social Network. Foreign Language Film “Biutiful,” Mexico - I thought “Biutiful” was from Mexico-Spain? Critics love that wrong spelling sh*t though. Makeup “Barney’s Version,” Adrien Morot - Ahhh Makeup, our annual easy “Do you know [BLANK] got an Oscar nomination this year??” category (Wolfman is this year’s Norbit). “Barney’s Version” will probably win for making up that it was a real movie with Paul Giamatti in it. Music (Original Score) “How to Train Your Dragon,” John Powell - Would’ve liked to have seen Tron in there, but again, figure this is probably another Social Network “momentum” award (though deserving). Music (Original Song) “Coming Home” from “Country Strong,” Music and Lyric by Tom Douglas, Troy Verges and Hillary Lindsey - “127 Hours” had an original song? Cool. I assumed they remixed ZZ Top’s “Legs” with the chorus “Least he’s still got legs”. Short Film (Animated) “Day & Night,” Teddy Newton Short Film (Live Action) “The Confession,” Tanel Toom - Not gonna pretend to have a prediction in either category. Just Google some critic’s predictions the day before your Oscar pool. Sound Editing “Inception,” Richard King Sound Mixing “Inception,” Lora Hirschberg, Gary A. Rizzo and Ed Novick - The sound awards definitely feel like token “reward Inception even though we can’t possibly count it as a real movie cause it’s exciting and not based on like a gay balloonist or whatever” award. Visual Effects “Alice in Wonderland,” Ken Ralston, David Schaub, Carey Villegas and Sean Phillips - Hello? Tron? Anyone? The best-looking movie I’ve probably ever seen? Yikes. Writing (Adapted Screenplay) “127 Hours,” Screenplay by Danny Boyle & Simon Beaufoy - Social Network, doy. They’re gonna announce the winner like that. Writing (Original Screenplay) “Another Year,” Written by Mike Leigh - Probably King’s Speech. Despite the numerous stuttering typos. Aaaand with that lazy joke, the exhausting list is complete. Oscar Predictions? Leave ‘em in the comments. |
| TV GUIDE-MAGEDDON: We Are Doomed Posted: 24 Jan 2011 02:19 PM PST Where were you Saturday night at 12:03 AM? If you were me, you were home, tired, and aimless, surfing the upper echelons of your cable guide to find something to keep you company. And yet, it was at this very time on Saturday night that I discovered something extremely sinister lurking between channels 208 and 218. Witness a photo I am titling “The End Is Nigh”:
Is this what we’ve become? People who feast on the footage of blood dolphins, Nazis, inmates and Palins? To answer my own question, yes, this is apparently what we’ve become. Also, nice job on advertising Time Warner Cable! Unless they meant this Kids, in which case, carry on. |
| Dog Walk On Hind Legs, Works The Catwalk Posted: 24 Jan 2011 01:30 PM PST Move over, Iman, and make room for Treasure, a poodle who prefers to walk on his hind legs. Treasure lives in China, owns a snowsuit, and pretends to be people. It’s basically that simple.
As adorable as this is, I think we can all agree on one thing: This dog’s penis is freezing. What’s that? You want an extreme bipedal dog close-up? Your wish is my command. Get those scrolling fingers ready:
Oh but he is even more adorable when he kicks his little brown foot out:
This dog wins our daily prize for “Thank God I Can Post This Sh*T On The Blog.” [Photos: Splash News] |
| New York Post Kills It Again With Topical “No Supe For You” Headline Posted: 24 Jan 2011 02:08 PM PST Not to keep dwelling on the Jets’ loss yesterday [Ed Note: Actually exactly to keep dwelling on that], if there’s one automatic silver lining that accompanies any New York sports team losing a big game, it’s the inevitably awesome New York Post headline the following morning. Today’s “Jets Lose” headline was appropriately amazing, combining incredibly nonstretched pun with incredibly topical reference:
Not that that can be topped, but here’s our own suggestions for other topical “Jets Lose” headlines (feel free to throw your own in the comments): - Who Shot Jets R.? (Their Super Bowl Hopes) - Where’s The Super Beef? - Are You Super Bowlin’ To Me? Oh, You’re Not. Never Mind. - Jets Drop The Chalupa, Super Bowl Hopes - Do Not Book ‘Em That Super Bowl Flight, Danno - Noooooo Baby! My friend Steve added: - Got Superbowl? (No) - Help! I’ve Fallen And I Can’t Get To The Super Bowl! - Gooooood Morning Vietnam! The Jets Aren’t In The Super Bowl - Just a picture of Spuds MacKenzie and the headline “Jets Lose” Other topical Jets Lose headlines? Comment away – the more painful, obviously, the better. |
| MY MOTHER RECAPS THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA: The Epitome Of Chutzpah Posted: 24 Jan 2011 08:16 PM PST
And then we head cross-coasts to that little Southern paradise known as The Real Housewives of Atlanta, or in the case of this week’s episode, my hometown of Miami Beach, FL, where Kandi Buruss and Kim Zolciak were to perform at some outdoor festival that 18 people showed up to. So the girl’s decided to make it a bachelorette party weekend for the doomed union of Cynthia Bailey and her fiance, Scatman Crothers. And the rest of the gang tagged along: Phaedra Parks, lawyer to the strippers stars, Sheree Whitfield, who has transformed into a demure Southern flower, and finally Nene Leakes. The once beloved Nene, who has managed to turn into a snarled, ham-fisted animal for what appears to be “no reason.” The ladies met up in the house of a Die Hard villain in order to celebrate, sing, model, and eat. But mainly, to fight and say the word “slave” a lot. And then there was “Dat Ass.” It’s been a while since we’ve checked in with my dear Mother, Judy Collins, on her Housewives take. And she really let it fly, this week, dishing the dirt on Kim’s German lover/hotel proprietor, as well as a slice of her own life with regard to male strippers. So what are we waiting for? Nothing. Let’s cut to the Mom Recap, shall we? ON NENE “WICKED” LEAKES.ORG
So Nene already knew they’re going to a place where, first of all, where did Kim even meet this rich guy, and number 2, who talks like that? Who walks into someone’s house like that? She really is low class garbage. Between you and me. If you already know that the reason you’re in this drop dead villa is because of Kim, be gracious and shut the f*ck up! I think Nene really is jealous of Kim. And you know I never like to use the word jealous because I’m not in Kindergarten. But there is some jealousy there, even though Kim sucks. Every time this girl sings I’m convinced that the country is sinking to depths unknown. I can’t believe this girl is singing. It’s the epitome of chutzpah.” ON THOMAS KRAMER, WEALTHY RAPIST
But that house is to die for. What was that painting? Half ostrich, half him? I don’t get it. Anyway, I veered…”
“Cynthia had a huge f*cking ass. I’m in shock! She looks like a skinny minnie and when she turns around, that doesn’t look like a model to me. They have a right to laugh. I have a much fatter ass and when it comes to cottage cheese, I’m like a factory, but I’m not a model. She’s a pretty girl, but not the brightest. She has no business marrying this guy Peter when you don’t have 2 bucks to rub together. I don’t even see chemistry between them. Eventually your marriage, it’s like every marriage, there’s no such thing that you live with someone for 30 years and you turn each other on (Ed. Note: Uh, Mom? What are you saying right now?), but here, at least, when you date there should be some chemistry! There is nothing there. First of all, he’s old enough to be her father and he acts like it too. Almost like a Daughter Dad relationship, not like a boyfriend/girlfriend. Maybe she’s looking for a father figure.”
And the strippers? It’s like getting a whore from 79th street to come to your house. They had it once at my 40th birthday party. They got a stripper. How they got him to wear the waiter outfit I’ll never know. I said “Excuse me, I need some water,” and everyone was there — there had to be a billion dollars in that room. He starts unbuttoning his shirt. I said “Excuse me, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” It was the dirtiest 40th birthday party anyone has ever gotten. I have pics of these big society women yanking shit out from his underwear. He was ugly, the guy, but he stripped down to a little bikini and he had his business card in there. And this woman Nancy, she’s taking the card out with her mouth from his underwear.
And Phaedra! They always show her chewing. And all I see are those fake Halloween lips, she looks like a ferret or something, every time they show her eat. OK, she has her mouth closed, but she has so much lip gloss on, it’s just two glossy lips moving and moving for a long time. I’m thinking “What the f*ck are you chewing on, swallow it already for crying out loud!” Nene. I don’t understand what happened. You know something, when Kim said “Oh, Sweetie can stay” and Nene’s friend said “Don’t bring me into it”? Who the f*ck was even talking to you?! She wasn’t even talking to you. Beyond animals.
You know who has a good voice? This Lawrence guy. You have to call him Miss Lawrence.” *Note from the Editor (me): She ain’t lyin!! Kramer was accused of rape and sexual assault by numerous women. He also probably had sex with Tara Reid. Basically, he’s the worst person from Germany. So there you have it. What’d you think of last night’s episode?? And more importantly, will Cynthia show up to her own wedding next week? We say: NO. |
| Newspaper Owned By Fox Agrees: American Idol Is Great! Posted: 24 Jan 2011 10:24 AM PST The latest Fox commercial for American Idol declares “The critics are on their feet for the new season of Idol!”, then shows exactly two quotes from critics:
Fox only found two quotes, and both are from the same publication, which is OWNED BY THE SAME COMPANY THAT OWNS FOX. They honestly couldn’t find one other positive quote about the new American Idol anywhere? Even some out of context kind of nice sentence from the Randomtowne Times-Gazette-Sun? Then why even do a “Critics love the new Idol!” commercial? The least Fox could’ve done was throw this quote in there:
|
Ohhh lawwwd. There has been so much delicious Real Housewives of You Name It drama this week that I almost don’t think we deserve all of it. Beginning with last week’s shocking Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale, where the ladies decided to give Kim the “Remember the Times” treatment and turn her into 
“Nene I think f*ckin’ lost her mind. That goes without saying. I don’t understand what happens to people that we like. What? Like, seriously, she was the one who went to make up with Kim last season, so she knows who she’s dealing with. Really, even with that Sweetie: She’s getting paid! What? She wants to call her slave, shmave, none of your f*ckin’ business.
“That guy, Thomas Kramer, was brought up on rape charges. It was in the newspaper! You know, I don’t live under a rock. Google him up and see about the articles. Thomas Kramer. He was married to some girl, got divorced, there was a major custody suit. He must have had some face lift. When Miami Beach just started to get redone, he was buying every f*cking property in South Beach. He wanted to build some high rise and they wouldn’t give him a permit. Then, you know, I stopped following the story.*
LET’S BACK BACK ON TRACK
MY MOTHER ON STRIPPERS
PHAEDRA, THE CYNTHIA NIXON OF THE SEASON
YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HARD IT WAS FOR MY MOTHER TO ADMIT THIS
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