Saturday, January 29, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

“Have A Great Weekend Everyone” — Baby Penguin

Posted: 28 Jan 2011 04:13 PM PST

This is a two-week-old penguin and a stuffed animal, roomates in an incubator at the Cincinnati Zoo. This baby penguin only weighs a quarter of a pound — as much as this – and will only be a 2 pound adult! It’s so small that it’s official animal name is “Little Penguin.”

Have a fantastic weekend everyone.

(via Yahoo)

Meet The Breakout Star of Idol: Charlie Horse

Posted: 28 Jan 2011 03:42 PM PST

Forget the singing for a second. The real breakout star of American Idol this season is a lil guy named Charlie Horse. He reared his beautiful head this week after a contestant is sent to Hollywood, and a family proceeds to engage in an all out joy riot. Then Charlie shows up. And the real entertainment begins.

The only person on Earth who can upstage Mr. Horse? Oh, you’ll see her around :24…

I would be lying if I said I didn’t want Ryan Seacrest to take me by the hand and gently massage my calf. He’s been as comforting as a giant pair of farming arms made out of grits this season. (A good thing.)

T-Pain Gets Giant Facebook Tattoo While Screaming In Autotune

Posted: 28 Jan 2011 01:32 PM PST

T-Pain got a new tattoo in Hawaii you guys! It is both Facebook-related and gargantuan:

It also looks like crap. Did I mention that? I mentioned it only in the sense that I posted the photo in which it looks like crap, but now I am mentioning it in English. Boy does it look like crap. Isn’t he a millionaire? (Or am I confusing him with Chamillionaire?)

Just to show you up, T-Pain, I got an EVEN BETTER tattoo:

Natalie Portman Unveils Chic Maternity Burka

Posted: 28 Jan 2011 12:51 PM PST

Here is Natalie Portman and her Hot as Sh*t Boyfriend Benjamin Millepied walking around a snow-drenched New York City. At least, we think that’s 1 inch of Natalie peeking out from behind that winter maternity burka she’s sporting. No judgments here, however, as I too am sporting a maternity burka at the moment and I haven’t been pregnant for years. (I’ve never been pregnant.)

[Photo: Splash News]

COUNTDOWN TO CANCUN: One Blogger’s Journey To Mexico

Posted: 28 Jan 2011 11:48 AM PST

It’s not every day that I receive the following call: “Hey Michelle, want to go to Cancun on a party plane with the Goo Goo Dolls and VH1 Top 20?” After a couple of clicks on my trusty “Common Sense Abacus,” my calculations said “Duh.” Which is how I found myself at a very festive LAX terminal for Virgin America’s inaugural flight to Cancun, Mexico. Oh, look, a totally unposed photo!

Yes, I wore my finest Three’s Company kimono-sleeved top for the occasion. The terminal was bustling. VH1 Top 20 was in the midst of filming (the episode premieres this Saturday at 9 AM EST – watch it), and everyone was uh-super jazzed. Mainly because they were handing out free chorizo by the gate. But seeing as it was 9 am, I was in the mood for something less “sausage party-ish.” And I found my answer, in the form of the TERMINATOR 5 OF PANCAKE CONTRAPTIONS:

Self. Serve. Pancakes. Is this the Jetsons? How can we have a machine that makes you fresh pancakes at the touch of a button, but I still can’t stand on a conveyor belt to be showered and dressed by robotic arms every morning? These pancakes were fairly delicious. So good, in fact, that I have trouble believing the sign which states it has only 1/3 the calories of a scone. This sign has also proved to me that the only other person in the world to own this machine is Queen Elizabeth.

Ohhh, look, my pancake is ready:

I do not look forward to the day these pancake machines become self-aware and we live in a society where human beings are slaves to pancakes. Also, I lie, because I very much look forward to this day.

But there was barely any time to eat the 2,000 pancakes I planned on because the stars of the show had arrived:

The Goo Goo Dolls! Or, as some prefer to call them, “The Gooze.” (Say it out loud a few times, and you’ll find you can’t stop saying it.) If you would have told my 17 year old self that I would be workcationing in Mexico with lead singer Johnny Rzeznik, bass player Robby Takac, and drummer Mike Malinin, I would have spent the last 14 years starving myself in anticipation. Sadly for them, this wasn’t the case, which is why I sometimes wear shorts on the beach.

BOARDING TIME! Oh, sorry, hold on a second, my cellular VH1-branded travel pillow is ringing…

Oh, it’s VH1 Top 20 host Jim Shearer, calling me on his Virgin America armrest remote! Hey Jim, what’s up? What’s that? Turn my pillow off for take-off? The terrorists truly have won.

OK, can we talk about this flight for a second? If you’ve never flown Virgin America, allow me to paint the scene: Picture a nightclub with wings. That’s basically it. Virgin has long been one of my favorite airlines, mainly for the easy customer service and satellite television. But never have I known the luxury of an inaugural flight to Mexico.

This flight was INSAYAYAYANE. Within minutes after take-off, stewardesses were combing the aisles handing out free margaritas. Here I am in absolute bliss doing what I do best: Drinking and watching Judge Judy:

Let’s use our special Collins P.O.V. Camera to paint this scene in a photo I’ve entitled “Heaven”:

People were up and walking all over the plane, drink in hand, chatting, noshing, while the Goo Goo Dolls sang “Slide” over the plane intercom (for real, watch it tomorrow). In general, it was pretty swinging. I imagine this is how air travel used to be in the 1970s, where the bathrooms were used strictly for coitus and never for waste-making. I really, really wish I was alive in the 1970s.

Did I mention Virgin America was handing out unlimited margaritas?? Well they were. And things started getting out of control. Like that time I put the moves on an inflatable hot pepper:

He never called.

Or that time that, mid-drink/Judge-Judying, an entire bag of Chex Mix spilled into my giant purse and laptop case:

I’m still picking mini breadsticks out of places I never even knew existed.

And while this merriment was going down back in coach, VH1 Top 20 was filming their episode up in first class. Oh, and did I mention they interviewed me? After probably 3 drinks? That’s right, if you ever want to know what it’s like to hang out with me on a Friday night, make sure to watch VH1 Top 20 tomorrow at 9 AM, because I’m fairly certain I make an idiot of myself. It is the one segment on the show I hope to never see, i.e. you should probably see it.

But I had big plans for this Mexican vacation! I wanted to be so relaxed by the time I left that my VH1 coworkers had to wheel me around and use an elaborate system of cranks and pulleys to animate me, in a little movie I’m calling:

Enough lame photoshops, Collins!! We’re landing! And you know what that means….

The VH1 Crew and the Goo Goo Dolls headed towards the Live Aqua Hotel and Resort right on the Cancunian beach. This hotel is genius, and not only because this is your view at all times:

But also because all food and drink is included. You want lobster? Why not 9 lobsters??? Go ahead, spoil yourself!! Allow the Diet Coke label in Mexico to tell you how many calories I consumed while in Cancun:

That’s right, Sin amount. And in between the doing nothing but tanning, eating, and drinking, I managed to squeeze in a visit to the spa. Have you ever wanted to be involved in a Mayan Rebirth ceremony? Well, as long as you’re into 9,000 degree temperatures and don’t mind enclosed spaces, get those birth announcements ready, because Live Aqua will make this happen for you. I, instead, opted for a typical massage in the hotel’s beautiful spa, because forcing anyone to rebirth my frame more than once would just be cruel.

And did we mention the nature?? Check out this bird we caught meandering by the pool:

Hmm… he seems to be missing something…

Better.

Our relaxing stay ended in true Mexican style — the Top 20 crew hired a local mariachi band to serenade the lot of us at around 1 AM the night before we left.

I began the evening suspicious of the lead singer and his tiny guitar:

But after their rousing rendition of “Bamboleo,” I began to consider this mariachi band more than just some local musicians. I began to think of them… as friends:

And no, “Enby” is not a typo. It’s Spanish.

And thus, our Mexican jaunt was over!! And I didn’t flash a single person. But wait, we still had LAX customs to get through, where about 30 people in wheelchairs were lined up to get their passports stamped. Here is a sly photo I took of these poor souls:

Guess what? You could win yourself a free trip to Cancun, with airfare provided by Virgin America and lodging provided by the Live Aqua Resort!

Just head over to www.CountdownToCancun.com to enter!

And don’t forget to tune into VH1′s Top 20 Countdown tomorrow morning at 9 AM and again all weekend to catch video footage of our Mexican minibreak with The Goo Goo Dolls.



With thanks to all the people at Virgin America, the Live Aqua Resort, VH1′s Top 20 Crew and Tim Hammond for all their hard work and for just being great people!

THE ROAD TO EGOT: Tracy Morgan Sings

Posted: 28 Jan 2011 05:15 PM PST

Best Week Ever has cracked the hilarity code to the show 30 Rock: The more Tracey Jordan (Tracy Morgan) appears, the funnier the episode is. This is a watertight theory, as last night’s “Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning” episode was rich with Tracy moments, therefore one of the best of the season.

Enough words. There is really only one reason we’re all here. To relive Tracy singing his sentences to the tune of Billy Joel’s “Uptown Girl” in an effort to thwart the reality tv crew following him around from using it in the show. Music rights and whatnot. These :33 seconds have legit convinced me that the real Tracy Morgan will one day join the ranks of Audrey Hepburn, Liza and Whoopi Goldberg as a real EGOTter.

I’ve watched it 78 times. Bye.

WELCOME TO MARS: Is It 2012 Yet?

Posted: 28 Jan 2011 05:15 PM PST

The above photo was taken by VH1 Editor Matthew Muro on his way home in Brooklyn last night. Take a good look. That is dirty snow stacked up almost one story high, as a meek traffic signal tells you what common sense has already said: “Don’t Walk.” New York City got an incredible 19 inches of snow on Thursday, and it’s looking like January might be the city’s snowiest month on record.

Is this Brooklyn? Or Total Recall’s Mars?? Hard to tell. On the bright side, the local streetwalkers have been as busy as ever:

Sean Connery Gets Bronze Statue In Estonia, The Highest Human Achievement Possible

Posted: 28 Jan 2011 09:33 AM PST

Here’s a new $14,000 bronze bust of Sean Connery erected in the Estonian capital of Tallinn. Why? Because it’s about f***ing time they built a bronze Sean Connery statue in Estonia:

Just…too many softballed Sean Connery jokes to make about this. “Your mother likes it rough Trebek I’m a statue!” That cover it? Good.

Britain’s ambassador to Estonia Peter Carter said at the unveiling that Connery is “without a doubt, an icon… He is variously known as James Bond or the sexiest man of the century.” You’re doing a bang up job, Britain’s ambassador to Estonia.

How long before people forget that it’s actually Sean Connery and start thinking it’s some vaguely important late 19th century military figure but no one has the guts to ask which one, they just assume it’s someone from history they should know? Three years.
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