Crushable |
- Pee Poll: How Do You Deal With Public Toilet Seats?
- Bridalplasty Recap: The Final RealBride
- 5 Tips For Your College Sex Life That Are More Important Than Blowjobs
- Video: Shannen Doherty's New Infomercial Explains Why She's Crazy And Sleepy
- Head-Scratching Press Release: MTV Holding Auditions For 'Young' 'Musicians'
- Gallery: Jesse James' Crazy Tattooed Women
- Crushable Quotable: Tracy Morgan Apologizes By Calling Sarah Palin A MILF
- Video: What's The Difference Between PETA And A Porn Company? (Not A Riddle)
- Care To Join Us For The Next Cheer, Mr. Efron?
| Pee Poll: How Do You Deal With Public Toilet Seats? Posted: 31 Jan 2011 11:16 AM PST
Anonymous Crushable Employee 1: Those women are so annoying. If people just put their ass where it was supposed to go, and weren’t so OCD about toilet seats, there would be no pee on the brim! Anonymous Crushable Employee 2: You put your bare ass on a toilet?! I always put down those little paper toilet covers or toilet paper over a seat. There are so many germs! Anonymous Crushable Employee 1: Those toilets are cleaner than most people’s mouths! You’re just being OCD, and clogging up toilets with unnecessary paper. I’ll totally put my ass on a porcelain brim, unless there is pee all over it from one of those squatters. Anonymous Crushable Employee 3:…I’m a squatter. I don’t want to get toilet germs on my butt! And using that paper method this is super time-consuming. Anonymous Crushable Employee 1& 2: Oh my god! You’re the reason for the signs! Anonymous Crushable Employee 3: What if a toilet is visibly covered in pee, it will soak right through the paper! Anonymous Crushable Employee 1: But it’s covered in pee because people keep squatting over it and missing the bowl. Seriously. It’s like a Becket play in here sometimes. So help us settle this debate: What do you do in public restrooms? Post from: Crushable Pee Poll: How Do You Deal With Public Toilet Seats? |
| Bridalplasty Recap: The Final RealBride Posted: 31 Jan 2011 11:15 AM PST
QueenBot Shanne Moakler apparates into the room and tells the women that they must prepare to appear in front of something called the Bridal Panel, which was always the most salient part of Obamacare. Shanna instruct the women to write dissertations on why they think they deserve to win Bridalplasty, and Allyson starts crying because she's "bad at writing" which means she's having trouble remembering the proper way to format a footnote within a footnote. Jenessa suspects that the Bridal Panel will be made up of former mentors — like crazy flower connoisseur Kevin Lee or the dude who made $5,000 cakes — but, surprise!, the panel's made up of all the other former Bridalplasty contestants, temporarily reformed into blobs of human being for the purpose of deciding who should become the Bridalplasty top bride. Feminism! After gathering their wits, the remaining brides both get up and address their panel. Allyson presses the button next to her tear ducts as soon as she steps up and delivers a weepy speech about how nobody ever wanted to take her to prom. Jenessa gets up and basically insults everyone, proving that her veins do truly pump pure evil bile. Then Shanna opens up the floor for questions: "Jenessa, what, exactly, is wrong with you?" Jenessa uses this opportunity attack Allyson until she starts to cry again. She accuses Allyson of eating a Hot Pocket, which is unconsciable because Allyson is overweight. Allyson screams that it was actually a Lean Pocket, dammit, and says that Jenessa is the "biggest supercunt" she has ever met. Even bigger than the American hero SuperCunt. Unsurprise! Most of the women vote Jenessa off because she is the most unbearably heinous creature ever created. One after another, the women get up and diss Princess J: Cheyenne's angry that Jenessa plotted against her, Melissa's mad that Jenessa played the game so well, Alexandra's pissed about the time Jenessa waterboarded her until she promised to be her maid of honor and give her just like the best bachelorette party ever. Goodbye Princess Jenessa. Allyson wins! For the second half of the episode, we see Al preparing for her wedding. She undergoes three more plastic procedures, getting a breast lift, a tummy tuck, and a brand new set of teeth that double as radio transmitters. Then she picks out the perfect venue for her big day, is a 3-D hologram of a big house from the Rococo renaissance of 2050. And then, the wedding! Allyson and John's families are there, along with with all the former contestants who are still wearing matching Bridal Panel uniforms made from recycled R.S.V.P. cards and plutonium. Everyone hovers (six inches above the ground) around buzzing with anticipation. Finally, Allyson steps out, and she wears a long, long veil because she has converted to Islam. But she does look lovely in new body and her jewelry and her white dress that says "Ballbuster." Allyson is instructed to remove her veil and John sees her face for the first time in 6 months. "Whoa," he says. Allyson and John say their vows and are pronounced man and wife. They hug and then they kiss and then they fuck, and then Allyson opens up her mouth and bites off John’s head. Next week: There is no next week! Salvation! *Just kidding, it was E! all along! Post from: Crushable Bridalplasty Recap: The Final RealBride |
| 5 Tips For Your College Sex Life That Are More Important Than Blowjobs Posted: 31 Jan 2011 11:03 AM PST
Oh, A+, oral exam…just like in college! Now we get it. Still, we think there are much more sex tips that are more applicable to college students than “give good head.” Like: • Having sex with your RA is a bad idea. Having sex with your RA’s ex-boyfriend is an even worse one, because it leads to really scary, passive-aggressive notes written on your door’s dry-erase board. Also, these people have the authority to call the dean and rat you out for smoking pot in your room. Also? They might be crazy (your RA, not her ex) and you’ll end up having to talk her down after she starts cutting large bald spots in her hair in the coed bathroom because “No one will ever find her attractive anymore so why even bother.” (This is just common RA stuff you need to know, and not in any way based on a traumatic freshman year experience I had.) • You have to have sex in the library stacks during finals if you want to graduate. Dems da rules. • Despite what you may have learned from Saved By the Bell: The College Years, you still might not be allowed to have sex with a professor even if you drop his class. Not fair! But sometimes you are. So check your student guidebook before asking for “extra credit” from your intense-yet-vulnerable “Godard and Cinema” teacher. • Art kids can be as big of gossipy douchebags as their frat boy cousins. Just because he cuts himself for his art doesn’t mean he won’t tell your entire class that you like anal. Ok. You’ve been warned! Post from: Crushable 5 Tips For Your College Sex Life That Are More Important Than Blowjobs |
| Posted: 31 Jan 2011 09:46 AM PST “Berkshire Teens Bucking The Techno Trend” – Sorry, regional paper. A 15-year-old who thinks texting gives people radiation poisoning is not a trend. (Berkshire Eagle) Post from: Crushable |
| Video: Shannen Doherty's New Infomercial Explains Why She's Crazy And Sleepy Posted: 31 Jan 2011 09:27 AM PST
It’s an almost 9 minute webisode of Shannen being crazy in a hotel room with a frazzled concierge. She has a whole slew of adorable things that she says to the guy who’s come up to bring her a pillow. Like this:
The video is theoretically about Shannen’s character’s lack of sleep. But it would probably be more useful as a video to bring attention to the plight of abused hotel employees. There’s a brief moment at the end where the hotel manager moves toward her with a pillow, and I would not have faulted him if he used it to cover her face. Two birds, one stone! Post from: Crushable Video: Shannen Doherty's New Infomercial Explains Why She's Crazy And Sleepy |
| Head-Scratching Press Release: MTV Holding Auditions For 'Young' 'Musicians' Posted: 31 Jan 2011 09:25 AM PST
Oh wait, this is music-related! Sort of! MTV is looking for musicians and “music enthusiasts” to participate in an open casting call. They are very specific about what they are looking for! But also very vague! Here’s the press release, with our thoughts bolded.
Post from: Crushable Head-Scratching Press Release: MTV Holding Auditions For 'Young' 'Musicians' |
| Gallery: Jesse James' Crazy Tattooed Women Posted: 31 Jan 2011 09:31 AM PST
Post from: Crushable Gallery: Jesse James' Crazy Tattooed Women |
| Crushable Quotable: Tracy Morgan Apologizes By Calling Sarah Palin A MILF Posted: 31 Jan 2011 08:54 AM PST
Is that better than his comments last week? During a live segment for a Knicks game on TNT, the 3o Rock star said that Palin was “good masturbation material.” TNT immediately issued an apology for his comment, and he got in a bit of hot water in the press. But is saying you’d like to have sex with someone better than saying they are featured in your sexual fantasies.? In Tracy Morgan land it is! Advantage: Tracy. Post from: Crushable Crushable Quotable: Tracy Morgan Apologizes By Calling Sarah Palin A MILF |
| Video: What's The Difference Between PETA And A Porn Company? (Not A Riddle) Posted: 31 Jan 2011 08:29 AM PST PETA has posted an exclusive video on Buzzfeed of their NSFW Super Bowl spot, which means the pro-animal rights group created an ad that they knew was never going to air. What’s the point of that? Just to show the world how “controversial” you are? Anyway, the spot is an “outtakes parody” (the way The Simpsons: XXX is a parody) of the group’s 2009 Superbowl ad, Veggie Love. In it, bikini-clad women are oiled up and fellating vegetables. Just normal PETA stuff, you know. We get it, PETA. You are playing on the conceit that everyone thinks you promote your agenda through sexist imagery. You are in on the joke. But…you’re still being overtly, objectively sexist? We’d love to see more PETA ads featuring pics of naked guys eating vegetables, like this one: Or do you think that all girls are already vegetarians and don’t have to be swayed by your marketing? Post from: Crushable Video: What's The Difference Between PETA And A Porn Company? (Not A Riddle) |
| Care To Join Us For The Next Cheer, Mr. Efron? Posted: 31 Jan 2011 08:28 AM PST
A denim-clad Zac Efron had a run-in with a Laker Girl while sitting courtside at Sunday’s game. Got a better caption for us? Leave yours in the comments. (via) Post from: Crushable Care To Join Us For The Next Cheer, Mr. Efron? |
We had some very heated debates in the office on Friday after I wrote that post mocking the women who put up “
Sex shop 
After all these years, we’ve finally found out why Shannen Doherty is so crazy! It’s not all the pills or the alcohol or the desperate need for attention. She’s just sleep deprived! Or, at least that seems to be the message from this PSA she’s filmed for the 
We got this MTV press release through a 
Tracy Morgan’s attempts at damage control are pretty hilarious. Last week, he got in trouble with TNT for calling Sarah Palin masturbation material. And last night at the SAG Awards, Morgan threw the network a bone (pun intended?) by clarifying his earlier controversial statement. On the red carpet, 
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