Friday, October 22, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Black Eyed Peas Ruin Dirty Dancing, Everything

Posted: 22 Oct 2010 08:10 AM PDT

Yes, it’s easy to rip on the Black Eyed Peas, and yes, it’s easy to get nostalgically defensive about Dirty Dancing, and yes, I have been demanding a robot version of Dirty Dancing for some time now (careful what you wish for), but the new “Time Of My Life”-sampling BEP song “The Time” (shortenin’ titles for the NEW generation!) is just grating in every possible way, specifically in the ways that sh*tty robotic Dirty Dancing-sampling songs are grating.

The chorus sounds like two bitchy cyborgs standing too close to your desk bragging about how much fun they had last weekend in the Robo-Hamptons. Click the player below to listen to the latest thing you’ll try to drink enough to be able to pretend to like on the dance floor but secretly you’ll still kind of know:

(via Vulture)

Girl Builds Real-Life Ninja Turtles Van

Posted: 22 Oct 2010 07:39 AM PDT

Wow… but does it shoot real-life plastic discs with pizza stickers on them?

I can’t even make a joke about “how much time did this take” or “what else could you have accomplished with this effort” or “I can’t believe this labored 90s pop culture reference ended up on the internet.” It’s just too legitimately impressive.

I’m staring at an American flag in slo-mo right now and tearing up with pride. We did it, America.

(Jalopnik, via The Daily What)

It’s a Snooki Dance GIF Party!

Posted: 21 Oct 2010 02:41 PM PDT

Tonight is the season finale of Jersey Shore. To celebrate, we’ve gathered up some of our favorite moments of Snooki’s dancing. Buckle up, everyone: It’s a GIF party.

For even more GIF-ted moments from the Jersey Shore, check out our friends at MTV.com who have put together a comprehensive list.

So Disney Made A Movie Called “The Pooch And The Pauper”

Posted: 21 Oct 2010 01:56 PM PDT

As someone who takes great pride in having seen the entire Air Bud Series and the entire M-blank-P Trilogy (Most Valuable Primate, Most Vertical Primate, and Most Xtreme Primate, the last of which is not even close to being a movie by any acceptable definition), I felt personally offended that I just today became aware of the existence of this film:

That’s right – Disney’s The Pooch And The Pauper (not Paw-per? F***ing amateur mistake there, fellas), the timeless story of high class versus low class but with dogs instead of people and The President instead of old non president stuff.

The film stars paycheck-accepting regulars Richard Karn (A “Bud” series veteran), Fred Willard, Peter MacNicol, and Eugene Levy, who isn’t actually on the IMDB page and I haven’t seen the movie but I’m sure he got paid by this somehow.

After the jump, a description of the film’s plot, as well as more frustration on my part for not having seen this movie:

The Plot Summary, according to IMDB:

The bulldog Liberty (who’s thoughts we’re able to hear) is the “First Dog of the USA”, i.e. the president’s dog. As such he has a lot of representative duties, but also many privileges which made him snobby and condescending towards other dogs. But one day when the young Nataniel takes him for a walk, he’s mixed up with the stray dog Moocher who looks like his identical twin. Henceforth Moocher takes Liberty’s place in the White House. From now on a different spirit reigns in the White House…

Moocher “looks like his identical twin?” Judging by the poster, Moocher is just Liberty’s image literally copied and pasted and flipped 180 degrees, so I can see how people would confuse them. Hopefully Liberty’s huge Uncle Sam hat didn’t fall off.

I also wonder what “different spirit reigns in the White House” after Moocher takes over (as dog) — there better be a scene where a formal White House banquet gets taken over by Moocher’s stray dog pals who DJ “Gonna Make You Sweat” and everyone’s like “well I never!” but uptight Richard Karn has the guts to pull the protester lady he has a crush on onto the dance floor and President Willard looks at the dog and is like “I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO……….. EXCITED! I hereby name you Secretary Of Bones!”

In case you wondered why Netflix has been down all day, it’s cause I’ve been refreshing it every millisecond to check if this movie’s Watch Instant. Sorry bout that – just don’t make it worse when you all do the same one second from now.

Lady Gaga Can Even Make Ass Hair Look Good

Posted: 21 Oct 2010 01:30 PM PDT

Lady Gaga threw on her best hair ass for a visit to the Westbourne Pub in Notting Hill today. Finally, the perfect dress to camouflage an actual hairy ass. Because why would a person with real ass hair wear something so bold? They wouldn’t. Or would they? INCEPTION.

More pics ahead, including a message written to her fans on her hand.

$2,000,000 Bra The Perfect Display Case For Your $10,000 Breasts

Posted: 21 Oct 2010 12:37 PM PDT

Looking for a way to let the world know you’ve purchased the top of the line implants? Well Victoria Secret has the answer: Meet the Fantasy Bra, a $2,000,000 lingerie sensation made up of diamonds and extremely flammable fabric. Model Adriana Lima debuted the bra in New York this week, and my oh my, it is worth every penny! It turns your regular ol’ “porn star breasts” into brand new “things that are likely being fondled by someone extremely wealthy and hideous looking breasts.”

I’m hot glueing cantaloupe halves unto my torzo as we speak to fool people into thinking I’m wearing a $2 million bra. Joke is on you, American public!

More photos of Adriana doing what she does best — standing — ahead!

Calvin Klein Billboard Shocks Group Unfamiliar With His Advertising Style

Posted: 21 Oct 2010 12:22 PM PDT

This looks like a pretty standard sexy Calvin Klein billboard, yes?

No! The answer is no! Because this billboard is BANNED in Australia. Reports The Huffington Post:

Australia’s Advertising Standards Bureau has ordered the removal of several Calvin Kelin billboards after complaints that the image invokes violence against women.
According to the Herald Sun, the bureau looked at the case and found, “that whilst the act depicted could be consensual, the overall impact and most likely takeout is that the scene is suggestive of violence and rape….The Board considered that the image was demeaning to women by suggesting that she is a plaything of these men. It also demeans men by implying sexualised violence against women.”

OK, sure. I mean, yes. HOWEVER. At the same time, no, not at all.

My pro-group-sex-on-billboards stance after the jump.

First, and this is slightly besides the point, I’d like to take a poll of straight women and see who is NOT into this scenario. In fact, this is my favorite scenario of all time. Done.

Second, I think these male models are incapable of violence, as they do not have the necessary muscle mass to hurt a fly. The dude on the left literally cannot support himself. Lara Stone (the model) is possibly the only person necessarily waifish enough to be weaker than they are.

Thirdly, I’m sure that the male models are realllllly demeaned by the implied sexual violence (?) that they are participating in. Super demeaned. They hated this shoot so much.

Lastly, Calvin Klein has been advertising like this since Calvin Klein was but a glimmer in a topless Kate Moss‘ eye as she was manhandled by Marky Mark. Who, let it be noted, was much, MUCH stronger than these dudes.

So I guess the question is, before I blithely dismiss this complaint: Are there copy cat crimes that occur after young people view Calvin Klein billboards? Probably a lot of incidents of self-harm.

Mariah Carey Needs to Chill the F**k Out About Christmas

Posted: 21 Oct 2010 12:22 PM PDT

Well, would you look. at. the. time. It’s October, which means that Christmas Day is right around the corner! No better time to already start cranking out the Christmas tunes than the beginning of fall, right? Right.

Now if you’re like us, you’re a Jewish person that loooooves Christmas music, so we say the sooner the better. And perhaps no Christmas album in history has made more of an impact on modern humanity than Mariah Carey’s 1994 masterpiece “Merry Christmas.” I plan on blasting her version of “Oh Holy Night” during my hopefully dozens of water births before the ol’ eggs conk out.

So you would THINK I would be over the moon that Ms. Carey is releasing an entirely new Christmas album… Merry Christmas II brings us yet more classics that will surely be amplified at some of the gayest Christmas parties across the country.

And yet… there is just so much… happening… on the album. Just so many notes, and screams, and chords, and runs. This clip of “Little Drummer Boy” starts out pretty enough. Until someone lights the piece of dynamite stuck God know’s where and Mariah bursts into an epileptic frenzy of musical notes. IT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE:

If I have to walk into a Macy’s and hear this streaming over the loud speakers, they’re going to find me rocking back and forth in the dressing room like Newt in Aliens. Mariah, seriously, Christmas is great, but take it down a crotch or two.

Conan’s First Guests: Seth Rogen, Tom Hanks, Jon Hamm

Posted: 21 Oct 2010 11:06 AM PDT

Conan has officially unveiled the guest list for his first week of TBS shows, beginning with Seth Rogen and Jack White in the premiere episode, followed by Conan stalwart Tom Hanks on Tuesday and earth stalwart Jon Hamm on Wednesday. Here’s the full list:

Monday, Nov. 8 – First Guest Poll winner, Seth Rogen and musical guest Jack White

Tuesday, Nov. 9 – Tom Hanks, Jack McBrayer and musical guest Soundgarden

Wednesday, Nov. 10 – Jon Hamm, Charlyne Yi and musical guest Fistful of Mercy

Thursday, Nov. 11 – Michael Cera, Julie Bowen and comedian Jon Dore

I like those people, but not really sure what to do with this information, just figured I’d pass it along. Invest? Yeah, I’m gonna invest. In money stock$. Gonna make so much money from these money stock$. Buy low, sell high, that’s my motto.

“Break A Leg” No Longer A Viable Superstition

Posted: 21 Oct 2010 10:33 AM PDT

I’m not an incredibly superstitious person. I’ll walk under a ladder and open an umbrella indoors with reckless abandon. Hell, I’ll seek out a black cat and make it cross my path. Well, it’s not so much that I’m not superstitious as I’m a badass who hates rules (metal guitar riff). However, one superstition that I do indulge in is saying “break a leg” instead of a “good luck.” BUT NO MORE.

Metro UK reports:

If you send a 'good luck' message to a friend on their wedding day, be careful what you wish for. Groom Nick Fortey broke his leg in a motorbike crash on his way to the church, minutes after receiving a text saying – you guessed it – 'Break a leg!'

WOW. Creepy, but also a coincidence and sort of funny. Did I say funny? I did not mean that at all. It’s about to get incredibly depressing:

Mr Fortey added: 'I was quite emotional while I was in hospital. It was awful thinking I should have been enjoying being married to Emma and instead I was heavily sedated on a hospital ward.
'A lot of our guests had travelled a long way to the wedding and we'd forked out thousands for entertainment, food and a disco, so I told Emma to hold the party anyway.'
After visiting her stricken groom in hospital, Miss Byrne left to cut her wedding cake alone and perform a solo first dance.

Are you kidding me?? She performed a solo first dance?? That seems unnecessarily sad. So sad. And can’t we save the cake? Freeze it? Instead of cutting it alone? My emotions are best summed up like this: :( :( :( :(

Silver lining: His cousin Wendy, the person who sent the text, is a witch who can conjure things! Use your powers for good next time, Wendy! If you could conjure me a staff writing job on 30 Rock that would be awesome. Theeeenks.

You Will Never Guess What The Situation’s Book Cover Looks Like

Posted: 21 Oct 2010 09:49 AM PDT

Before scrolling down, try to guess what the cover for Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino’s book Here’s The Situation looks like.

Tuxedo with tails, top hat, monocle, fireplace, Masterpiece Theatre chair, mint julep in crystal goblet, polo match occurring, Handel concerto floating from the antique Victrola…

WAY OFF! It looks like this:

For the record, the first Google result for “The Situation Book” is this booking website, urging you to “Book Mike Situation For Appearances Before It’s Too Late!” Too late for what? Are his abs about to crunch the world into apocalypse? Or does he get skin cancer in Season Three? Crap, those both sound extremely likely – better book him.

Also, I hope there’s a chapter on how to literally dodge grenades. That’d be helpful.
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