Thursday, April 21, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Being John Malkovich Reimagined With Corgis

Posted: 21 Apr 2011 09:16 AM PDT

It’s 7 am. Sunlight breaks through my blinds, traveling down my wall and eventually across my face, waking me from whatever dream I was having. My eyes crack open like little baby dinosaur eggs, and I sit up, realizing yet another day of my life is here and still my apartment is gravely corgi-less. This happens to me at least 4 times a day. (I like naps.)

Then this video happens, and it’s the next best thing to waking up wearing a duvet cover made out of living corgs. It’s an English ad for Freeview HD. Much like a heroin addict, I would probably prostitute myself for a couple hours a day to be able to receive such satisfying corgi footage on the regular. You guysssss they have such fat little heads I can’t take it.

The Jam Sponge: The Feminine Product With An Attitude!

Posted: 21 Apr 2011 08:04 AM PDT

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

My friends in England alerted me to this website for the feminine product, Jam Sponge, which is a “natural sea sponge” that you can use instead of a tampon. And, although I am loathe to talk of lady products or lady moon cycles and what have you, because no one wants to talk about that, (Sorry, lady websites and my Women and Gender Studies Professor), this is pretty funny. Also gross. But also funny. The tagline for Jam Sponge (hahahaewwwwwhahaha) is, “Women have used sponges as tampons for years but a Jam Sponge has attitude!” INDEED! Here’s how much attitude Jam Sponge has, as taken from the FAQ’s on the website:

“How does a Jam Sponge work?”
You simply squash it into your vagina and it soaks up the blood.

alkdjflkadsjfkladjfaklsdfjadslkdjfasdlk

Listen, I’m pro environment. I recycle when it’s convenient and I totally throw things in the trash as opposed to the street sometimes. But I draw the line at the Jam Sponge. In fact, I draw the line way before Jam Sponge. Jam Sponge is on the far side of the border of the line, you have to use the Hubble Space Telescope to see how far away from my line the Jam Sponge is. That doesn’t mean that I am not morbidly fascinated with the website. Fellas, this one is probably not for you. But ladiez, I think you’ll get a shudder-y LOL out of it.

P.S. The best part of this post is that I almost published it under Dan’s name.

CELEBRITY MATH: Monster’s Mink

Posted: 21 Apr 2011 08:37 AM PDT

Amazing Rainbow Looks Scarily Like Sheep Killing Death Laser

Posted: 21 Apr 2011 07:59 AM PDT

NO, YOU GUYS!!! Watch OUUUUUT! Oh, nevermind. From Splash News:

These sheep were baa-thed in rain and sunshine as they grazed on grass at the end of an intensely stunning rainbow in the Lake District in North West England, UK. Photographer Jason Connolly took the stunning photo as he walked up Latterbarrow hill.

First of all, congratulations to the Splash photography service on the “baa-thed” pun. Literally everyone loves it. Second of all, if this wasn’t a real rainbow, it would absolutely be how a gay James Bond villain would try to kill most of the world’s sheep in order to drive up the price of his own sheep.

 

JUMPING THE SHARKTOPUS: Guessing The Next 6 Syfy Monster Movies

Posted: 21 Apr 2011 07:20 AM PDT

Syfy keeps scoring huge ratings with its ridiculous monster movies, but now that they’ve already done Mansquito, Piranhaconda, and Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, where can they possibly go from here? Have Syfy movies jumped the Sharktopus? A joke so necessary we just used it twice?

Not even close. Here’s 6 Suggestions For Upcoming Syfy Monster Movies. Are they MEGA enough? If not, then GOD HELP US ALL. That’s a line in all six of them:







(Thanks to @pete_schultz for his Photoshopping prowess and B-Movie-Actor rolodexing, and to @nanglish for coining the sure-to-be popular phrase “Turtelephant”)

Watch the Beastie Boys’ New Video And Vote Danny McBride For President!

Posted: 21 Apr 2011 07:06 AM PDT

Because who do I want for President? A BADASS who smashes bodega windows and steals beers! Did I say President? I meant boyfriend. A few weeks ago we posted a trailer of the short film called Fight For Your Right-Revisisted that the Beastie Boys made for their new album. Now, here is the video for their single, “Make Some Noise,” which also features Elijah Wood, Seth Rogen and Danny McBride as the Beastie Boys.

When McBride says “Tallyho” and then throws a garbage can through a bodega window, that’s when my heart goes aflutter and I just want election day to be NOW and pencil his name onto the presidential ballot. All the celebrity bells ‘n whistles aside (and I love celebrities AND bells ‘n whistles), this is a GREAT effing song. Beastie Boys for Vice Presidents!

MTV

Don’t Ask, Do Tell: Soldiers Cover “Hold It Against Me”

Posted: 20 Apr 2011 08:04 PM PDT

Want to see some hot soldiers lip syncing to Britney Spears’ “Hold It Against Me”? Of course you do. It’s your national duty to do so. Also every single one of these Marines is so thoroughly adorable in it, why wouldn’t you want to watch it? We have to hand it to them: Blasting Britney Spears is probably the best way to rid yourself of your enemy. It’s the Middle East’s Room 101.

(via ONTD)

Would You Give Your Car To A Drunk Valet?

Posted: 20 Apr 2011 03:52 PM PDT

Here in America, we like our Drunk Driving PSA’s to be as gory as possible, with sometime the added bonus of giant olives floating around in the car. But in South America, it’s a different, classier story. In this Drunk Driving PSA from Brazil, people dropping their car off at a local bar were met with a pretty wasted valet. So… how many of them actually handed their keys over? You’ll have to watch to find out. And learn a very important lesson. Even if you don’t care about Drunk Driving PSAs, you should probably watch this if you happen to be a fan of “Hava Nagila.”

(via AdWeek)

The Starburst Wrappers Prom Dress Looks Movie Theater Floor-tastic!

Posted: 20 Apr 2011 03:40 PM PDT

Here’s a local news report about a high school girl in Wisconsin whose mother spent 6 years fashioning a prom dress made almost entirely out of folded Starburst candy wrappers. I was gonna make a joke about how much time this person has on her hands, but the dress actually looks really awesome, so I literally cannot say anything other than “This person spent her time really really perfectly well and good day to you all” and tip my internet derby and leave.

Man, what I wouldn’t give for the chance to take this girl to the movies, walk up to the concession stand and be like, “What can I get for you? SKITTLES?” and just lauuuuugh and laughhhhhh…

(via Dlisted)

News Reporter Has The Audacity To Have Snot Come Out Of Her Nose

Posted: 20 Apr 2011 01:00 PM PDT

A news reporter outside Charlie Sheen’s live show had a bunch of snot come out of her nose on the air and it was gross, and the clip leaked online and has gone viral. If this doesn’t sound very exciting, I’ll let The Daily Mail describe it with their riveting, newspaper prose:

But as visible windy conditions bluster around her, the reporter’s nose begins to run seconds into her report. She manages to clear her nose once by combining it with a quick swish of her dark hair, only for the troubling watery stream to return seconds later. The embarrassed reporter attempts to hurriedly sign off her report and hand back to a studio colleague as her runny nose threatens to spoil her on-air appearance again. But she is powerless to prevent the nasal malfunction as the stream falls from her nose onto her microphone at the split second she finishes her piece. [CRASH OF THUNDER - Ed.]

Here’s the dramatic clip in question:

Yep, definitely gross, but I kinda feel bad for her, especially because Charlie Sheen just carries an invisible cocoon of chaos around him that causes stuff like this to randomly go wrong. Surely, the Youtube comments will have her back too:

Really excellent comments, you guys. Nothing racist! We’ve really turned a corner.

April 21st, 2011 Is NOT Judgment Day

Posted: 20 Apr 2011 11:29 AM PDT

The internet is all abuzz about Thursday, April 21, 2011 being Judgment Day — the day in the Terminator franchise when Skynet, the computer supersystem that has gained self-awareness, launches missiles to spark a worldwide nuclear catastrophe resulting in the deaths of billions of people and ushering in an ultimate war between humans and machines.

“Skynet” has been a Twitter Trending Topic for two days running, and the internet has run wild with Judgment Day themed gimmick posts, which is all well and good except for one irrefutable, factual fact: Judgment Day already happened in 1997.

In the opening scene of Terminator 2, Sarah Connor states, very clearly, that Judgment Day is August 29th, 1997. Case closed? Nope, because in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, they’ve changed the timeline to push Judgment Day to 2011.

According to the Terminator Wiki:


2011 – Cameron tells Sarah that Judgment Day is now set to occur on April 21, 2011. Skynet is destined to go online a few days earlier, 20:11 on April 19, 2011.

Both the Resistance and Skynet are actively seeking to interfere with the timeline and are having unforeseen effects. Due to ongoing temporal alterations, these events are probably still being altered.

BULLLLLLLLSH*T. Who are we going to believe, one of the greatest action movies ever made, which clearly states that Judgment Day happened in 1997, or some much later tv show that isn’t even one of the top 20 shows I feel like catching up on saying “Actually Terminator 2 is wrong because of time travel and now it’s moved to 2011?”

I call bullsh*t. Clearly, the Terminator franchise just keeps moving Judgment Day at their will in a blatant attempt to get mentioned in the Twitter trending topics by nerds desperate to make Skynet joke Tweets or compile Skynet-themed list posts.

JUDGMENT DAY HAPPENED IN 1997. That is a FACT. Saying otherwise for the purposes of amusing, linkable internet hijinx is a disgrace to the human bones scattered amongst that postapocalyptic Los Angeles playground. NEVER FORGET.

REAL OR FAKE: Russians Find Men In Black Burger King Toy In The Snow

Posted: 20 Apr 2011 11:10 AM PDT

This video has been all the rage this week amongst fans of both aliens and prop toys made in China. Two men in Russia stumbled across what they’re claiming is an alien buried deep within some snow. It’s small, looking to be about 2 feet long, and looks exactly like James Brown‘s corpse on stage at the Apollo (trust me, I saw it in person, I know.) So yeah, watch for yourself, and decide if this is indeed a real alien, or just a leftover prop found at Jeff Goldblum’s annual Independence Day garage sale (my vote).

What do you guys think??

(via Huffpo)

Ms. Seyfried? Your Taxidermied Horse Is Here

Posted: 20 Apr 2011 10:25 AM PDT

Amanda Seyfriend bought a taxidermied horse for herself. Here it is getting delivered in a giant wooden horse coffin. According to Eyeprime:

Amanda Seyfried has said in an interview that she recently purchased a taxidermy horse in England and was having it shipped to her West Hollywood home on April 19, 2011. Amanda’s wait ended as two men carried in her taxidermy horse in a wooden box. She has mentioned that she has already named the horse Antoine.

Hmm, Antoine. If this has anything to do with our most beloved Antoine on Earth, we kind of get it. Insomuchtahthehasahorseface.

Now at first, I was like “Why would anyone in their right mind want a taxidermied horse??” And then it hit me: To recreate this photo every morning, noon and neigh:

(Eyeprime via Waywaw)

New Robert Pattinson Wax Statue Looks EXACTLY Like Real-Life Other Wax Statue

Posted: 20 Apr 2011 10:00 AM PDT

Robert Pattinson was just honored with a wax statue at Madame Tussauds in Berlin, and I have to say, they perfectly captured the unkempt, laid-back good looks of the real life other Robert Pattinson wax statue in the UK –

Robert Pattinson Wax Statue In Berlin:

Robert Pattinson Wax Statue In The UK:

Amazing resemblance! It looks so much like the real-life other wax him! Those wax sculptors or whatever they’re called are great! (Wax Men? Waxaphone Soloists? Natalie Portman in Wax Swan-s? I wanna say it’s the second one but I’ll Wikipedia it when I’m done with this post.)

Still, two separate Robert Pattinson wax figures? We can put a MAN ON THE MOON, and we can also build two separate Robert Pattinson wax figures?? I’m not complaining, those are just two unrelated facts that astound me. Especially that moon one. STILL AMAZING! Really holds up.

(pics via Getty Images)
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