Best Week Ever |
- 20 Valuable Lessons Learned At Coachella
- Being Almost Named Sheryl Crow Proves Difficult For Cheryl Cole
- World’s Most Impressive Rube Goldberg Machine Explains World’s History
- Even Dog Knows Baby Shouldn’t Eat Dog Food
20 Valuable Lessons Learned At Coachella Posted: 23 Apr 2011 08:03 AM PDT Some of you might notice that this list is coming at your almost a week after Coachella ended. Well, there’s a very good reason for that. You see, I actually got so f*cked up at Coachella, so brain scrambled, so sun poisoned, so covered in dirt, so OD’d on hipster assh*les, that it was physically impossible for me to put this list together any sooner. So for those of you wondering what it’s like to give yourself to the desert for 3 days, but don’t have the time, energy or mental rereness to actually do so, allow this list to suffice. Here are the 20 Things I Learned At Coachella. 1. People Are Assh*les. Sure, this is a pretty standard rule in general, right? Most people are, in fact, assh*les. All over the world even! But Coachella is to assh*les as under the kitchen sink somewhere in the Bronx is to roaches. Assh*les looooove Coachella. They get their best (worst) hats dry cleaned, crochet themselves an over the shoulder thong, and drive their Chevy Volt’s (JK, like anyone owns that) to Indio so that they may relive those college memories that so coldly turned their backs on them. Which leads us toooooooo: 2. People Dress Like Assh*les. Going to Coachella? Wondering what to pack? Here’s a handy guide. Time travel back to 1992 when you dressed like Steve Urkel for Halloween, run a pair of layering scissors over the entire thing, weave the red suspenders into a dreamcatchers, put a feather in your hair, and boom: Coachella Outfit. Or, another idea: Time travel back to 1992, murder Mayim Bialik, steal the entire Blossom wardrobe, cover it in blood and seemsies, and boom: Coachella Outfit. The rule is that there are no rules for how you dress at Coachella, just as long as you look like a Native American Milkmaid Drug Dealer Russian Billionaire. 3. The VIP Bracelet Means You Are Neither Very Important Nor A Person. When my girl Fiona Byrne nabbed me a VIP bracelet to the festival, I was like “Oh sh*t girl! VIP. I gotta look good!!” Well $4,000 in rhinestone extensions and leather chaps later, I realized that is a bunch of bull. That’s because 5 million people have the VIP bracelet, and believe me when I say, these people were not important and more like animals than people, especially given the way we were herded into the “VIP” section. So what does VIP really mean? Mainly that you can drink and hear some of the music. And also get to meet some celebrities… 5. There Is Something Called A Pizza Cookie. I myself only had a bite, but let’s not mince words here: Pizza cookie is just a giant cookie cut into triangles. Nice try, marketing geniuses. (We bought 500 of them.)
Wrong. Apparently, the geniuses behind Coachella decided to force a parking lot lockdown from midnight to around 2 am, let’s see… yes, exactly when every f*cking person was leaving. When I tell you we were stuck in traffic for 2 hours, I don’t mean inching up bit by bit. I mean our car did not move ONE INCH in two hours. Mayhem broke loose. Frustrated tears were shed. The desert was peed on. I saw two people do it in a Honda. It was Hipster Lord of the Flies, and it was ugly. That is until the sweetest angel from up on high came up to our window, shaking, manic, and said “I just knocked that fence down. Hurry. Leave. Escape. The time is now. Go!!!” It was Les Miserables meets the sh*t-crawl in Shawshank Redemption. We booked it. Abandoning a group of our friends who made the mistake of going back inside. We were free. And the streets… the streets were empty. So next year, if you decide to go to Coachella, do what I’m doing: Buy a prop backpack from The Rocketeer, and as you’re sailing over the crowds of the overprivileged underbathed masses, scream “See ya, f*ckfaces!” 9. If Someone From A Band Asks If You Want To See Their Bus, Don’t Say “Nah, I Don’t Really Like Buses.” This didn’t happen to me personally, but this is probably just a good rule of thumb in general. Always go to the bus. Always. Worse case scenario, you’ll have a great story for the police. So I figured “What better time to put these pills to the test (what test? the death test? Yes.) than at Coachella??” Genius idea. Between my one MDP and the 900 red bulls I downed, I had grown
16. You Won’t Hear A Lot Of Music. Yeah, no, somehow, and I don’t know why, but I only heard like 2 full band sets and then bits and pieces of other performers. To be fair, I also wasn’t there Sunday night, when most of my favorite acts were performing. I had to leave considering my brain dipped itself in the Roger Rabbit murdery acid bath and was no longer alive.
OVERALL ASSESSMENT: Coachella kicked my ass. Meaning I’m clearly getting my Indian headdress dry-cleaned and prepped for next year. [Celeb Photos: Splash] |
Being Almost Named Sheryl Crow Proves Difficult For Cheryl Cole Posted: 22 Apr 2011 02:50 PM PDT There is a British band called Girls Aloud, and their singer is a lady named Cheryl Cole, which, as you might have noticed from looking at the letters, is almost like but not exactly the same as Sheryl Crow. From NME.com:
And that is, to date, the best Jennifer Hudson quote of all time. Thanks to Sarah Walker for her first post-blog tip. |
World’s Most Impressive Rube Goldberg Machine Explains World’s History Posted: 22 Apr 2011 12:01 PM PDT With 244 steps, this Rube Goldberg machine broke the world record. It also won a Rube Goldberg competition at Purdue University. It’s the best dorkiest thing you will see during this or any other April. You’re about to be astounded that somehow a Rube Goldberg machine can make you afraid for a second that we might not win World War II, but then make you feel comforted that there will be life after the Apocalypse. That machine should also win a Pulitzer Prize. Can’t believe they skipped over the pog craze of the mid 90′s though. As if that wasn’t the biggest deal. Thanks, Urlesque. |
Even Dog Knows Baby Shouldn’t Eat Dog Food Posted: 22 Apr 2011 10:23 AM PDT The parents shooting this video know that their kid shouldn’t eat dog food. But they also know that if the kid has three kibbles, it’s not going to kill him and they’ll be able to get a YouTube video out of it. It is for this reason that the responsibility of keeping the kid from eating dog food falls squarely on the dog’s shoulders. Cool Dog. He’s probably the one who is going to have to give this kid the sex talk in 11 years. Thanks, Space Ghetto. (Visit site at your own risk (so many pictures of dead bodies).) |
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