Best Week Ever |
- Prince Forced To Display His Sex Statues In Court (No, Other Prince)
- Italian Man Challenges Pee Wee Herman To A Duel
- 50 Photos Of Terrifying Turkey Costumes
- PROOF: Oprah Winfrey Is God
- Charmin Recruits Most Famous Ass In America To Sell Ass Wiping Paper
- BOARDWALK EMPIRE RECAP: Agents Gone Wild
- Let’s Write Our Own Emergency Text Messages
- Jay Pharoah Debuts His Obama Impression Not On SNL, But On Letterman
- Millionaires Will Appall You Like You’re A Parent
- Let’s All Watch This Video Take Easy Shots At Hipsters
- Toy Story 3 Wins Best Oscar Campaign Oscar
- Kathy Griffin Sets The Record Gay Before VH1 Divas: Salute The Troops
| Prince Forced To Display His Sex Statues In Court (No, Other Prince) Posted: 24 Nov 2010 08:40 AM PST
Another thing to be thankful for – even the day before Thanksgiving, The Daily Mail doesn’t tone down the ridiculous stories about Princes who commissioned life-size sex statues of themselves and now have to present those statues in court:
(Most important sentence in the universe has been bolded.) Man, so much gold in that article. It’s comforting in a kind of classical, throwback sorta way to know that the world still has billionaire Princes with harems of 40 women who commissions sex statues of himself and names his boats after boobs. It’s also comforting to know that those individuals are not above having to display those statues in court proceedings, like some movie about a medieval king who travels to the future but gets caught up with the crazy legal system of today. Come to think of it, I’m gonna make that into a movie, and call it “Will and Ted’s Exciting Adventures.” |
| Italian Man Challenges Pee Wee Herman To A Duel Posted: 23 Nov 2010 10:06 PM PST
Meet Elio, Italian Pop Star, who arrived on the set of Italian X Factor looking like some sort of Pee Wee Herman meets Squilliam hybrid. But wait? Can this guy even sing? CAN HE??? Verdict? I’m in love. |
| 50 Photos Of Terrifying Turkey Costumes Posted: 23 Nov 2010 09:15 PM PST This Thursday, when you’re chowing down on as many yams and giblets as your own intestinal lining can hold, try very, very hard not to think of the following list. Because the next thing you know, the tryptophan will hit, and as your eyelids grow heavy, you’ll be hearing the faint whispers of a distorted gobble-gobble as any one of these 50 turkey-bedecked people or things will climb out of your subconscious and ruin your Thanksgiving. Here we go!*
21.
*Ed. Note: Just want to say I really, really hate the pictures in this post. Even the babies. Happy Thanksgiving! |
| Posted: 23 Nov 2010 02:58 PM PST
Now while a lot of websites have documented the hee-larious audience reactions to getting some candles and a cashmere sweater, we thought we’d do the world a service and put together a video of all of her Favorite Things of 2010. Pay close attention to what Oprah is telling us about herself. What did you learn? Me? Pretty sure I learned all about Oprah’s Sundays. Starts off with her roaming around her custom made closet wearing nothing but a cashmere sweater, leggings, sequined Uggs, and Tory Burch flats on her hands, til she heads to the kitchen to make some brownies. A quick stop by her 3-D TV, a couple of Netflix streams, and — would you look at the time — she’s got a cruise to catch! She then stuffs her Coach purse full of Mac N Cheese, hops in her 2012 Beetle (not even released yet!) and drives herself straight into the ocean. The woman is a god among men. |
| Charmin Recruits Most Famous Ass In America To Sell Ass Wiping Paper Posted: 23 Nov 2010 02:04 PM PST If you’re the CEO of the world’s most versatile ass wiping company, and you’re in the business of selling ass wiping paper, who, just who, are you going to call in order to convince the masses that your toilet paper only touches the world’s most treasured asses? You call KIM F**KING KARDASHIAN. As these photos will show, Kim absolutely LOVES cleaning the world’s most coveted a-hole with Chaming t-let p-per. Now the question is, how many millions of dollars did they pay the poor girl to pretend like she’s about to go take a giant dump? And we pray to got she’s pretending…
Ahead, the Charmin Toilet Paper Bears try to stifle their erections and kinda, sorta succeed. Bear erections are the worrrrst.
Cool toilet paper necklaces though. [PHOTOS: Splash News Online] |
| BOARDWALK EMPIRE RECAP: Agents Gone Wild Posted: 23 Nov 2010 05:50 PM PST This is a Recap of Boardwalk Empire, Season 1, Episode 10, entitled “The Emerald City”. The title refers to Margret reading the Wizard of Oz and telling her kids that Harrow is the faceless sniper from the book. That’s the only spoiler in this Recap. Agent Van Alden’s lone witness is dead, he can’t re-interrogate Jimmy, his partner Agent Baby is exonerated, he has no leads, and his supervisor wants results or he’ll be chasing moonshiners down in Florida (which he’d probably love). It’s time for…
That’s right, Van Alden completely loses his sh*t this week, beginning with a visit to turn up the creepy-heat on Margaret:
Completely out of leads, Van Alden attempts to shame Margaret into turning against Nucky by showing her a picture of herself at Ellis Island that seems to have been smeared by paper towels on a number of occasions. (Can I write that on this site? If anyone at Vh1 wants me to delete that lemme know). Surprisingly, Margaret is creeped out by this behavior from a Federal officer:
Calm down, Margaret, he’s just Facebook stalking you before it’s a thing. Van Alden totally saves face by declaring he’s not as concerned about the law as he is about saving Margaret “FROM THE FIRES OF HELL should you fail to repent!” Man, remember back when people believed that crap? Hilarious! Oh, a strong majority of the country still does? Hm. Well, carry on then.
Van Alden realizes that showing Margaret a personal photo of herself and admitting to ogling it has not solved organized crime for good, so he just sucks it up and does the least Van Alden-y thing imaginable: He goes to a bar. Needless to say, Van Alden ordering alcohol is a bit awkward: As if Lieutenant Hellfire pounding illegal whiskey isn’t out-of-character enough, Van Alden then finds the courage to sit down with Lucy and offer her a cigarette. Lucy’s all, “Hey there handsome, I sound even more like Tai from Clueless than I used to.”
The result of this encounter is in the first pic of this Recap. Turns out, Van Alden did have a lead after all…into Lucy’s vagina! Fedora high-five! QUICK SIDENOTE: I’m home for Thanksgiving and watched this episode On Demand on my parents’ tv, and just kept expecting my mom to walk in while I was constantly rewinding and pausing that sex scene to try to get the perfect photo of Van Alden’s orgasm face. Even if I did convince her it was for my job, it would’ve been even harder to explain how the 40 million dollars she spent on my schooling resulted in me professionally pausing pictures of fictional characters’ orgasms to upload to the internet. Has any parent ever had to deal with this realization? Let’s just say my parents love me and move on. Elsewhere on the Boardwalk, Jimmy and Angela seem to be getting along great, having Ghost sex and whatnot, until they stroll by the photo store and Jimmy’s kid says “There’s mommy’s kissing friend!” Unaware of the steamy lesbian subplot shoehorned into the series, Jimmy assumes this means that mustache photo man is the kissing friend, and when Jimmy assumes people are kissing friends, doors get broke’d:
Angela later apologizes to Mary for the fisticuffs mixup, and Mary suggests that they run away to Paris together and raise Tommy to speak French and go to a school where the kids “wear Grecian tunics and find their muse to free their spirits.” Angela says, “That sounds like nonsense to me, and that’s coming from someone who went to school in the 1910s and studied nothing but leeches.” In Chicago, Al Capone is living it up, putting loads in Johnny Torrio’s cigarettes and covering Whoopee cushions with fake vomit. Johnny’s like, “I know we just took over the Spencer Gifts racket but you gotta grow up!” Al has an epiphany when he and Johnny create a real-life joke:
After speaking with 20s Alan King about Bar Mitzvahs, Al decides to apologize to Johnny for his behavior, and replaces his driver’s cap with a fedora. Clearly, he got the message of Judaism: Dignify your hat. After the Van Alden incident, Margaret has trouble composing herself for her speech to the League Of Women Voters (formerly the League Of Women Who Enjoy Pretty Flowers). She doesn’t want to lie to them when endorsing Nucky’s mayoral candidate, but she ends up giving a rousing speech, saying “With our newly gained right also comes responsibility,” a quote from the famous Spider-Lady comic books.
At the end of her speech, Margaret notices Nucky and the former mayor machoin’ it up and barely paying attention, and the seed of doubt planted by Van Alden begins to sprout into a little root of…slightly more doubt. Nucky, meanwhile, receives a visit from the cartoon character Mickey Doyle, who has decided to flip sides and help Nucky set up the D’Alessio Brothers. Since we know that Steve Buscemi and Michael Pitt aren’t going anywhere on this show, and we also know that Meyer Lansky, Arnold Rothstein, Lucky Luciano, and Al Capone go on to live well-documented lives, that pretty much means that the D’Alessios are superf***ingdead. They get Chalky White to pretend to strike a deal with Lansky — who chose his alter-ego “Michael Lewis” so he wouldn’t have to change his monogrammed shirts – cool detail, Boardwalk Empire! — and end up surrounding the D’Alessios in an indie looking storeroom:
Jimmy shoots one brother in the head, and Chalky strangles the other to death after he threatens that his friends will come back and “string him up even higher” (note to threat dude: getting strung up higher wouldn’t really be any more torturous, just more work for you). Nucky then puts a scare into Lansky in a stock mob movie shot:
But Nucky ultimately lets him go to inform Rothstein of what he witnessed. Nucky returns home just after Margaret has finished apologizing to Harrow for her treatment of him, and when she asks where Nucky has been, he says “Planning our election strategy. FOR THE MURDER ELECTIONS! Nah kidding the regular elections. Sup with you?” The episode ends with Margaret staring into the mirror, probably because she’s so happy that everything she’s doing is the right thing and completely guilt free. If this season ends with Margaret realizing that Van Alden was right and making it up to him with repentant doggystyle, it will be my favorite show ever. |
| Let’s Write Our Own Emergency Text Messages Posted: 23 Nov 2010 12:51 PM PST
That is actually a really good idea. I can’t think of a reason why they shouldn’t do that. But still, it’s pretty silly. So why don’t we all have fun and try to think of our own emergency text messages. It’s challenging, but rewarding. BFF having <3 attack. Pls help. U up? Fire @ my apt. bro stabbed 4 $$. need dr. :( Anything going on 2nite? h8 crime @ jr hi skool. send EMTs ASAP. B===D stuck in escal8er! no homo Now you guys try. |
| Jay Pharoah Debuts His Obama Impression Not On SNL, But On Letterman Posted: 23 Nov 2010 11:27 AM PST
When Lorne Michaels hired ace impressionist Jay Pharoah to be a featured player on the 36th season of Saturday Night Live, many thought that it meant that Fred Armisen’s days playing Barack Obama were numbered. However, through the first seven episodes of this season, Armisen has continued to portray our nation’s President, while Pharoah has mainly been charged with doing impressions of Denzel Washington, Jay-Z and other prominent African-American stars. It’s unclear as to whether or not Lorne has any transition plans in place or if the subject has even been broached inside Studio 8H, but on last night’s episode of the Late Show With David Letterman, Pharoah took matters into his own hands. After the tiniest of nudges from Dave (which, we can only assume, was planned during the pre-interview), Pharoah debuted his heavily-hyped Obama impression on national television on a show (not to mention a network!) other than the one that A) Pays him and B) Is helping turn him into a household name. Shots fired?
This was definitely an aggressive move on Pharoah’s behalf. Lorne is well known for being a control freak and, at this point in Pharoah’s career, he still has the power to make or break him. It’s impossible to say if Pharoah cleared this impression with Lorne in advance, but if he didn’t, you can bet that he’ll drop even lower in the SNL Power Rankings next week. That said! The impression was quite good, and, duh, SNL can always use the exposure. And while we’ve always enjoyed Armisen’s stoic and calm take on the POTUS, after seeing Pharoah’s take, we can’t see how Lorne can do anything BUT hand the impression over to him soon. Mind you, this situation is not without precedent! During the Bush administration, Will Ferrell was originally tapped to play the bumbling Texan — a role he rode all the way to Broadway, mind you — but after he left the show in 2002, it was a free-for-all as to who would play W. Chris Parnell, Darrell Hammond, and Will Forte all took shots at taking over the role, but ultimately, Lorne decided that Jason Sudeikis fit the role the best. Will Lorne make the same decision with Pharoah this season? Since he’s definitely not talking, guess we’ll just have to wait and see. RELATED(ish): Splitsider has got a good story about the Facebook campaign to score Cookie Monster — yes, that Cookie Monster — a gig hosting SNL this season. |
| Millionaires Will Appall You Like You’re A Parent Posted: 23 Nov 2010 11:50 AM PST On Sunday night, I accompanied my good friend, Joe Mande, to go to a Brokencyde concert in South Hackensack, New Jersey. Who is Brokencyde? DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT! Honestly, never worry about that. They are a nightmare scream band. Joe had to see the show as part of an ongoing segment he does for Videogum.com called Taking One For the Team. This is a feature in which Joe has to go to something awful to write about it and then he’s like, “Noah, do you want to come, too?” and then I go and it is the worst. For this show, there were five opening bands. FIVE OPENING BANDS! That’s too many opening bands. But the last opening band… was absolutely mind blowing. They are called Millionaires and they are basically two Snookies that became Ke$ha. And while they certainly are better than Ke$ha, they are better than Ke$ha in the worst way possible. What you’re about to hear is going to appall you the way you imagine your grandparents would have probably been appalled listening to Nine Inch Nails. Or something! Dude, I don’t even know. Just watch this and keep in mind that it is not safe for your work, your home, or your mobile device. This is the song they opened with. They should change their name to We Have Like Eight Dollars. If you would like to read about the entire concert which included two different bands covering Dynamite by Taio Cruz, you can do that here. |
| Let’s All Watch This Video Take Easy Shots At Hipsters Posted: 23 Nov 2010 09:46 AM PST Making fun of hipsters is easy, but it’s still fun. Even hipsters like doing it. Except for those hipsters who are like, “Pssht, only hipsters actually use the term hipster.” And then you’re like, “Shut up, hipster.” But deep down inside you feel conflicted because maybe you are a hipster. It’s all so confusing. But let’s not worry about what is or what is not a hipster right now. All that matters is that making fun of them is fun. Now here’s Charles Bronson beating them up. “But that fourth guy clearly wasn’t a hipster.” Shut up! Who cares? Stop being such a hipster about it. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go grab a quick coffee from the hipster place accross the street from me where they always give me dirty looks and then probably make fun of me for being a hipster after I leave. Thanks, The High Definite. |
| Toy Story 3 Wins Best Oscar Campaign Oscar Posted: 23 Nov 2010 09:07 AM PST Toy Story 3 won’t win the Best Picture Oscar this year, obviously, because animated things aren’t [Crash joke], but Pixar seems to be well on its way towards winning the unofficial Oscar for Best Unsuccessful Best Picture Ad Campaign, for this series of posters comparing the film to past Oscar winners. Below, the two posters they’ve released so far:
Additional poster after the jump:
Can’t wait to see the rest of them. Eh, they might wanna skip Schindler’s List. But Million Dollar Baby? Hilarious. (via /Film) |
| Kathy Griffin Sets The Record Gay Before VH1 Divas: Salute The Troops Posted: 23 Nov 2010 10:53 PM PST So you’re gonna put together a giant, big budget celebration honoring the troops? Well who better to host it than Kathy Griffin, who had her best Cher bodysuit dry-cleaned for the occasion. But what, exactly, can and can’t the beloved comedian say? Here’s a hint: Make sure to catch VH1 Divas: Salute The Troops, Presented by the USO, and hosted by Kathy Griffin. The show will also feature performances by Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, Keri Hilson, Sugarland, Paramore, Grace Potter and The Nocturnals. Catch the show Sunday, December 5 at 9/8c only on VH1. And in the meantime, upload a pic here and VH1 will donate $1 to our troops. Do it! |
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