Monday, November 29, 2010

Crushable

Crushable


The Daily WTF: Our American Apparel Mock-Ad Becomes Reality

Posted: 29 Nov 2010 11:04 AM PST


Okay, to be fair, when we goaded Liana into posing for a faux-American Apparel shoot in their high-waisted riding pants, we did not check on the website to see if the “iconic girl on a trunk shot” was a real thing. So either we are really good at predicting poses for AA models, or Dov and Terry owe us a photography credit.

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The Daily WTF: Our American Apparel Mock-Ad Becomes Reality

Crushable Quotable: Dave Eggers Lets Kids Go Nuts On Michelle Obama

Posted: 29 Nov 2010 10:35 AM PST


826National is a program created by Dave Eggers, with a mission to get kids more involved in creative writing. Remember, they auctioned off that chance to collaborate with James Franco on a film? Well, the latest venture of the 826 involves capitalizing on the adorableness of children and their somewhat creepy letters to our first lady for a new book, called I Live Real Close to Where You Used to Live: Kids' Letters to Michelle Obama (and to Sasha, Malia and Bo). Our three favorite excerpts below.

A reasonable request:

Dear Michelle Obama,
I think your husband should legalize immigration. Please put a statue of me in Echo Park. Thank you. J.K. No, really. I want a tuxedo on the statue.
— ANDRES ORTEGA, age 11, Los Angeles

Passports do not cost that much money! This kid obviously has ulterior motives in Vegas:

Dear Michelle,
Can I borrow some money so we can move into an apartment and buy a new Mustang convertible? I don't mean to waste money. I will use some of the money to buy a drum set and have a cool pool. Can I have $10,000 to buy my passport to go to Las Vegas? Send me a picture of the White House and the statue of Abraham Lincoln.
— LUIS MOLINA, age 10, Los Angeles

This actually sounds pretty threatening:

Dear Obama family,
I am going to be in the second grade. Do you get a lot of threats? I have nine rooms in my house. I would like to be the first woman to become president. Our dads know each other.
— MIKAELA EWING, age 7, Chicago

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Crushable Quotable: Dave Eggers Lets Kids Go Nuts On Michelle Obama

Celebrity Lookalikes: 'Burlesque' Spirit Animals Edition

Posted: 29 Nov 2010 10:33 AM PST


Here at Crushable, we have Burlesque fever — and one of our symptoms in an inexplicable need to figure out the spirit animal essence of each of the film’s actors. Pythons! Chimpanzees! While we’re getting our bed rest and drinking lots of fluids, check out the results of our Xtina-and-Cher-related fever dreams.

  • Christina Aguilera is a sultry python.
  • Cam Gigandet? Totally a chimp!
  • Dianna Agron is 100% doe.
  • Alan Cumming channels his inner salamander.
  • We love Cher, but she has been somewhat moosier than usual lately.
  • Eric Dane is a Great Dane. Imagine that!
  • Stanley

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Celebrity Lookalikes: 'Burlesque' Spirit Animals Edition

'Real Housewives Of Atlanta' Foodcap: The Eyelashes Have Come Off

Posted: 29 Nov 2010 10:31 AM PST

This week on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, our lovely ladies were dealing with the big things in life. You know, marriage, divorce, virginity, birth and anal sex. Cynthia Bailey is marching forward with her tentative marriage plans, while NeNe Leakes is getting closer to her upcoming divorce. Meanwhile, Kim Zolciak is trying to prevent her daughter from giving up her V-card by buying her $3,000 diamond ring. And no, Kim did not pick up on the irony of the fact that her new song is titled “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing.” So shall we see what the ladies have been eating and doing this week?

Scene: Kandi Koated Nights at Kandi’s store Tags
Food: Wine. And lots of it.

Kandi’s internet show has moved up in the world. Now she’s filming at her clothing store. And bringing in well endowed strippers. What did we learn about sex? According to NeNe:

“Anal is disgusting.”

Good to know. Also Kandi’s stripper, aka Mr. Luscious, is pretty terrifyingly endowed from what we can tell. Take it away NeNe:

“It was humongous…. Girl I need therapy after that.”

Scene: Cynthia goes wedding shopping
Food: Wine.

Blah blah blah. Cynthia’s wedding is going to be expensive. And fabulous. If she ends up getting married. Model whine.

Scene: NeNe sees a divorce attorney
Food: Iced tea

NeNe’s been talking about her divorce all season. Though she doesn’t seem to remember that. According to her:

“I haven’t told anyone that I’m considering divorce.”

Just Bravo’s very discreet cameras. No one’s going to find out about this. One more time, for the bleachers:

“I want to find a way to move forward. And do it privately.”

Scene: Kim takes her daughter Brielle shopping for an abstinence ring
Food: Diamonds.

Kim may have gotten pregnant at 19, but she wants Brielle to wait to have sex. So she can meet her own Big Poppa and be the other woman as a single mom. Oh wait. Maybe Kim’s not the best example. Actually, trying to buy off Brielle with diamonds is probably the best way to keep her from having sex.

One abstinence ring: $3,000

The piece of mind of knowing that your daughter will hide he sexcapades from you for the next five years? Priceless.

Scene: Kandi’s studio
No food. It’s a studio.

Kandi’s still pissed that Kim hasn’t paid her for “Tardy For The Party.” Yes, we’re getting tired of this storyline too.

Scene: Phaedra comes home with her baby
Food: Phaedra’s breast milk

Phaedra spent an extra week in the hospital recovering. We’re not sure how she’s going to take to motherhood. Though she seems slightly more maternal than last week:

“Before this I was fancy free and foot loose. Running around town, shopping, doign whatever I wanted to do. And now I’m sort of chained to this baby. Hmn…..We’ll see how this turns out.”

Also, the baby is named “Ayden Adonnis Nighda… It was just perfect… the little fiery man. From two fiery people.”

Can these two fiery people also care for a baby? Unclear. Let’s watch and see!

Scene: NeNe visits Kim’s house
Food: White wine and cigarettes

NeNe mistakenly thinks Kim will have advice for her about her imminent divorce from Gregg. Instead, she starts talking about Big Poppa and herself. Surprise!

But actually, this was sort of interesting. According to Kim:

“I definitely would love to have more children… I think I’m ready to date other men. It’s time for me to get it together.”

Foreshadowing! Kim is currently pregnant by NFL star Kroy Biermann. In this episode, she lets everybody know about it. Because by this time, she must have started seeing Kroy. As she says:

“I want a normal relationship. I don’t want to sit here and call someone Big Poppa anymore.”

Wahwahwah… Sorry Big Poppa! You’re out. More from Kim:

“I don’t think love has a gender. So I don’t know what my future holds at this time.”

Well, we can tell you now, Kim. Little football babies!

Scene: Cynthia tastes food for her wedding
Food: Grilled watermelon, awesome cakes, steak, money.

Cynthia’s going to have good food at her wedding. Surprise. Next!

Scene: Kim’s parents’ house
Food: Two cakes  and “some damn wine” for Kim and her girls. “Better than sex cake” made by Kandi’s mom.

Kim pulls out her iPad and listens to Gregg on the radio, saying he spent $300,000 making NeNe a star. And now “I’m asking for every dime of it back.” Oops. That’s not good.

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'Real Housewives Of Atlanta' Foodcap: The Eyelashes Have Come Off

How To Spot A Fake Apology, Courtesy of Kanye West

Posted: 29 Nov 2010 10:12 AM PST

We’ve all had our terrible TMI moments in relationships before: that time we blew up at our boyfriend in public for ordering us the wrong latte, or when your BFF borrowed your favorite dress to wear to a party and you tried to rip it off her. (Um, we all did that once, okay?) Most of us have the good sense after these humiliating blow-outs to apologize – hopefully in front of a large group of people – and get on with our lives.

But then there are those people in your life whose anger-management issues always get in the way of a supposedly sincere apology. Abusive relationships, back-stabbing siblings, even a bestie who promises better behavior but never comes through: These people are the Kanye Wests to your Taylor Swift, and they’ll never forget a perceived slight, no matter how many crocodile tears they shed. Here’s how to sniff out the insincerity from a Kanye wannabe, using our awesome apology-translator and ample use of Vulture’s Evolution of an Apology feature. If you find yourself listening to anything resembling the statements below, do yourself a solid and cut these haters out of your life.

Apology: The Blog post

Example: (Kanye during the 2008 VMAs) "i'm sooooo sorry to taylor swift and her fans and her mom … i'm in the wrong … i'm not crazy yall, i'm just real. sorry for that!!! i really feel bad for taylor and i'm sincerely sorry!!!"
Translation: I’m a giant drama queen who is looking to avoid the confrontation of actually saying “sorry” to your face.

Apology: Proud to Be Me

Example: 2010’s VMAs, when Kanye seemed to own his asshole status after almost being denied entry to the event. “Let's have a toast for the douchebags!” he proclaimed in his “Phoenix”-like rebirth hit, Runaways.
Translation: I’m too proud to admit I screwed up, so I’m going to use the easy excuse that I’m just a jerk to explain my actions. Hey, you can’t ask a zebra to change it’s asshole stripes!

Apology: The Injured Party

Example: Kanye’s secret show at the Bowery Ballroom last week included his latest rant about Taylor, when the hip-hop artists told his audience “Taylor never came to my defense in any interview…and she rode the wave and rode it and rode it.”
Translation: I’m seriously scraping the bottom of the barrel here, but maybe if I pretend like you are the one holding a grudge, I can gain some public sympathy.

Apology: The Maniac Indecision

Example: In September, Kanye tweeted again “I only want to do good … I'm sorry Taylor.” He also apologized on Leno. Yet the bonus track of Kanye’s latest album includes the lines, “Immature adult? Uh-huh. Insecure asshole? What else? … I'ma let you finish, but I got BeyoncĂ© on the track … Black excellence, baby … We the greatest in the world!”
Translation: Tripping between over-the-top, maudlin apologies and self-righteous anger, it’s clear that this person doesn’t even know their own position in the fight. Don’t bother pointing out their hypocrisy, as it will only add further fuel to your beef. Just gracefully bow out of the argument and hope your record sales soar.

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How To Spot A Fake Apology, Courtesy of Kanye West

The 'Harry Potter' Love Child: Please Let Alan Rickman Be The Daddy

Posted: 29 Nov 2010 09:31 AM PST

>This is pretty great. An unnamed mother  has taken to postsecret.com to tell the world that her child’s baby daddy is one of the male stars from the Harry Potter franchise. And now the stars are slowly going public explaining that they are not to blame.

Postsecret is a site where people mail in their secrets anonymously on one side of a postcard. And one lady mailed in the above postcard with this secret attached:

“One of these men is the father of the most amazing little girl in the world. He's never met her. He never will. He probably can't even remember my name.”

Chances are this isn’t true at all. But Thomas Felton, who plays Draco Malfoy, has already absolved himself. He tweeted:

“my friend just found this on the web! just to confirm that i can be cancelled out of this equation lol!”

Meanwhile, the Phelps twins are also taking themselves out of the running. From James Phelps:

“To clear things up, this isn’t me. Funny, but nothing to do with me”

And Oliver Phelps:

“Apart from making me laugh, i can honestly say its 100% not me”

In addition to pictures of Oliver, James Phelps and Tom Felton, the postcard has photos of Jason Isaacs, Daniel Radcliffe, Rupert Grint, and Alan Rickman. So far, all of the rumors have revolved around the movie’s main stars. But why does everybody got to assume it’s one of the younger stars?

If it’s going to be a real story, we’re kind of hoping it’s Alan Rickman FTW.

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The 'Harry Potter' Love Child: Please Let Alan Rickman Be The Daddy

Posted: 29 Nov 2010 09:24 AM PST

Margaret Cho Demands More Support For Women In Comedy- “The straight male comics that I know will always watch each other and give each other pointers and will always support each other. And by support, I mean go see each other perform, give each other rides to shows, give each other moral support like ‘You did good.’ Women don’t have that.” Where are the free rides, ladies?! (via Lemondrop)

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Last Chance to Win These Awesome Black Friday Gifts!

Posted: 29 Nov 2010 09:15 AM PST

If your post-Thanksgiving shopping tales give your friends shivers, don’t forget to comment on our Black Friday post! The winner gets several of the products we were drooling over, including Canned Unicorn Meat, Philosophy’s Spicy Gumdrop bubble bath, Agraria Luxury Bath Bars, an official Sex and the City scarf from HBO, two pairs of awesome headphones from UrbanEars and Wicked Empire, and an awesome hat from Armani Exchange. Contest ends at 5 p.m. EST today, and we’ll be announcing the winner tomorrow. Save yourself some Christmas shopping and comment!

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Last Chance to Win These Awesome Black Friday Gifts!

Bridalplasty Recap: Introduction Of The Brides

Posted: 29 Nov 2010 10:47 AM PST

Last night was the premiere of Bridalplasty, which as far as we can tell, is a new show on SyFy about an evil corporation that kidnaps innocent women and turns them into bionic RealDolls before selling them into a lifetime of domestic slavery. It comes on before Kendra, a show about anthropomorphic bunnies.

The episode begins with a one-by-one introduction of the women, and we see flashbacks of the brides in their homes back before they were tossed into body bags and transported to the E! Headquarters. (“E” stands for evil and exclamation point stands for period.) One woman’s name is Jenessa, meaning she’s princess of a distant moon in a far away galaxy. Another, Alexandra, used to star on The Biggest Loser, which is a History Channel show about the financial depression. Lisa Marie is already half-plastic, and because of that she’s the most vulnerable bride of all.

In the next scene we meet genius mastermind and Bridalplasty host Shanna Moakler, who explains that the corp’s true mission is to find the one absolutely perfect RealDoll. Rejects will be sent away from the show and their plastic bodies recycled for use on The Soup and Chelsea Lately. Soon, the evil Dr. Dubrow appears to explain why the women aren’t yet sellable as sex dolls. He gives each bride a list of procedures she must first undergo: one will be liposuctioned, another given breast implants, a third will have her limbs replaced with octopus tentacles. Most of the women cry at this point, and we, as an audience, begin to pray for their safety.

The women are instructed to dress up and socialize at a “party” — a sly way to secretly test their platter-carrying skills. Shanna has a special surprise for one of her captives: Bride-slave Melissa’s lover has come to visit her straight from Iraq, which is a show on Comedy Central about failure. Although T.J. tells Melissa he loves her and promises to bring her breakfast in bed every morning there’s something nefarious about him — like maybe he’s actually a male RealDoll sent to infiltrate the camp and make sure the women remain docile and loyal.

T.J. leaves and the women are given their first challenge — they must quickly put together life-size puzzles featuring images of their own bodies. This tests that the brides are still aware of their own humanness, and also their handjob skills. The winners are taken to a “plastics party,” where their faces are injected with chemicals that turn their skin into latex and their brains into fun iPhone games like Alchemy and Angry Birds.

The losers — Alexandra and a woman named Ashley — find their lives in jeopardy. The other brides are forced to vote on which of the two puzzle-challenged ladies will remain at E! Headquarters, and it’s an emotional affair for everyone. In the end, Ashley is sent away, because — although her tear ducts are still functional — she isn’t cute when she cries. Which means that Alexandra is only the second-biggest loser this time, although her life is still in grave, grave danger.

Next week: Flowers, dresses and two-headed wedding planners.

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Bridalplasty Recap: Introduction Of The Brides

R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen, Our Weird Celebrity Crush

Posted: 29 Nov 2010 10:25 AM PST


I am not turning on the morning news today, because I don’t want to see any chyrons proclaiming “Surely Serious: Leslie Nielson dies at 84.” (Shame on you, NPR.) It’s sad that this actor’s trademark line from Airplane! is perhaps the only thing our generation can recall of him off the top of our heads, besides maybe snippets of the Naked Gun movies, or if we’re really terrible, Scary Movie 3.

Although Leslie Nielsen’s straight-man delivery in absurd slapstick situations may be his legacy to the American public, there are more layers to this Canadian-born actor than Zucker comedies. Like how about how sexy he was in 1956’s The Forbidden Planet? Below, our tribute to Leslie Nielsen: the man, the comedian, and the hottie. And we’re totally serious.

  • Helloooo Captain!
  • Ransom!
  • Disney's 'The Swamp Fox'
  • Hot Summer Night
  • Forbidden Planet
  • The man, the legend

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R.I.P. Leslie Nielsen, Our Weird Celebrity Crush

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