Best Week Ever |
- Best Soundboard Prank Phone Call Of All Of Our Lives
- Mr. Microphone Is All I Want For Christmas
- Mark Ruffalo On Terrorist Watch List, Kids Still All Right
- 100 Crazy Christmas Lights Displays In 2 Minutes
- MORNING MINDF*CK: Meet Man Hathaway
- La Toya Jackson At The International Horse Fair? Sure.
- Photohunt: How Many Biebers Can You Spot?
- THE WALKING DEAD RECAP: Once Bitten, Twice A Zombie
- A True Tale From Black Friday, My Best and Worst Nightmare
- Pop Culture Break: Educational Interlude
- Uhh, Did Gwar Just Disembowl Sarah Palin In Effigy?
- Will Someone Please Marry Courtney Love?
- Unjokeaboutable: Willie Nelson Arrested For Pot Possession
- Ben Affleck Makes A Really Good Decision, Won’t Direct New Superman Movie
| Best Soundboard Prank Phone Call Of All Of Our Lives Posted: 30 Nov 2010 09:17 AM PST What somebody did was somehow manage to make a soundboard of a random guy being mad — I’m guessing based on a previous phone call — and then called that same guy back and made him get into an argument with clips of his own angry voice. The YouTube video plainly refers to the guy as “Irate Black Man,” which is a little uncomfortable, but not nearly — not NEARLY — uncomfortable enough to make this not great. This is not safe for work. Don’t watch this at work. Quit your job and watch this at home where you belong. Somebody get this guy an address! |
| Mr. Microphone Is All I Want For Christmas Posted: 30 Nov 2010 09:00 AM PST My friend, comedian Katina Corrao, sent along this old commercial from the early 1980s featuring the only thing I want for Christmas EVERY year. It’s called Mr. Microphone. OMG, this thing is ehm-eee-zeeng. It’s a MICROPHONE that allows you to sing along with ANYTHING. And as a classic guitarist myself (not true), this is the perfect thing to entertain my friends with as we lounge around in my non-existent backyard!
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| Mark Ruffalo On Terrorist Watch List, Kids Still All Right Posted: 30 Nov 2010 08:26 AM PST
Yeah, you know how terrorist are always getting upset about natural gas leaking into public water supplies in Western Pennsylvania. Good job, Homeland Security. NAILED it. I wonder if the owner of the bar down the street will get put on the terrorist watch list for arranging screenings of True Blood. Oh, man, I really hope that happens. “I’m sorry, sir, but it says here that you like campy vampire action soap operas. We’re going to need to feel the inside of your legs.” – The TSA. |
| 100 Crazy Christmas Lights Displays In 2 Minutes Posted: 30 Nov 2010 07:57 AM PST Remember that one house in your hometown that always went overboard for Christmas with an absurdly elaborate light display, and as a kid you’d drive by and gaze upon it with astonishment, then as an adult you’d still be impressed but would also kind of wonder if there’s something wrong with the people who live there and worry about how depressed they get when Christmas ends and they have to take the lights down and wait 11 more excruciating months for their one annual shining moment? Turns out, that house existed in every town in America. Here’s a collection of 100 Ridiculous Christmas Light Displays (somewhere around 100, I don’t know, we’re not statisticians) all cut together in a convenient 2-minute video to simultaneously impress and make you wonder who these people are: (Video is the handywork of our trusty Video Editor / Probable Trans-Siberian Orchestra Electric Violinist Pete Schultz) |
| MORNING MINDF*CK: Meet Man Hathaway Posted: 30 Nov 2010 06:51 AM PST Jesus God No:
Some brilliant modern day artist has swapped the faces of Anne Hathaway and Jake Gyllenhaal on their Entertainment Weekly Jake, on the other hand, looks like a lesbian dabbling in set design. In other words, gorge. (via Buzzfeed) |
| La Toya Jackson At The International Horse Fair? Sure. Posted: 30 Nov 2010 06:39 AM PST Did you know there is an International Horse Fair in Seville, Spain? Neither did we! Do you know who did? It’s OK, you can say it. It’s in the headline, seriously, just say it. It’s…..
LATOYA JACKSON! Picked specifically because horses hate her.
Nothing!! Latoya, seriously, don’t be like that. The horses clearly love you! Look!
Wait, Latoya, that’s a fake horse. It’s made out of wood.
Umm, JK? It’s real! And it loves you Latoya. It really loves you. [Photo: Splash News Online] |
| Photohunt: How Many Biebers Can You Spot? Posted: 29 Nov 2010 02:17 PM PST SO MANY BIEBERS!!! Total Bieber overload. I’m counting nine distinct Bieber faces and maybe ten if you make a composite form all the partially obstructed Biebers. And then 25 if you count every “Bieber” in print as well. Is everyone coming up with the same numbers? Thanks, Splash. |
| THE WALKING DEAD RECAP: Once Bitten, Twice A Zombie Posted: 29 Nov 2010 01:51 PM PST This is a Recap of AMC's The Walking Dead, Season 1, Episode 5, entitled “Wildfire”, originally airing November 28, 2010. It contains many spoilers, so if you haven’t seen the episode yet, fold this recap and store it up under your bucket hat. We open on Rick, who knows there’s something he’s been meaning to do, but hasn’t quite gotten around to it yet. Dry cleaning? It’s probably dry cleaning. Ehh, actually, the zombie apocalypse is happening, so maybe it has something to do with that? Nah, the zombies are in Atlanta, and it’s not like anyone’s headed to AtlantOHHHH MY GOD forgot that dude from the first episode!
Ah geez. Hopefully he’s still busy not shooting his wife and hasn’t strolled into downtown Atlanta and gotten superkilled. On the plus side, he’s nicely set up to save Rick’s life next episode in one of those “looks hopeless…shot from out of nowhere saves him!” sequences. The camp’s got problems of its own, though, because Crazy Diggin’ Jim is now Crazy Gettin’ Bitten Jim:
Jim’s like, “It doesn’t hurt up here so much, or down here, but riiiiiight here…” Shane responds, “You dream THAT, Motherf***er???” Everyone high-fives. Andrea’s having some Mary Jane’s Last Dance issues of her own, unable to take her eyes off the corpse of her mauled sister. Rick, fearing that the corpse will come back to life and bite her and we’ll all get mad at her for being stupid, comes over to help, but instantly gets backed off:
Daryl, Glenn, and T-Dog are taking turns pickaxing zombie corpses through the brain and burning them (Fun Fact: this was the medical treatment for mumps in the 1800s):
Was anyone else concerned at how nonchalant they were being with the zombie blood? Cause that sh*t was like a Double Dare episode, if the whipped cream in Double Dare had the ability to turn you into a brainless wandering shell of an existence. (I’m pretty sure only the Sundae Slide had the ability to do this.) Glenn demands that they only burn the geeks, and bury their dead companions with dignity. Daryl’s like, “You do realize you’re the only one calling them ‘geeks,’ Chinese Checkers?”
Silly Glenn. They’re only called walkers, zombies, or poindexters. With Andrea still fixated on her sister’s corpse, and all of us at home being frustrated and kind of hoping it comes back to life and instantly bites her in the jugular, Dale comes over offering his bucket hat of sympathy:
He tells Andrea a story about how he lost his wife to cancer, the “zombie” of diseases, and relates how he could never accept the reality of the situation. He adds, “Granted, it’s a lot more unreasonable to be confused by cancer than by your sister getting eaten by undead monsters, but you know, six o’ one, half a dozen the other.” Daryl, meanwhile, is about to pickaxe Ed through the head (aiming for the convenient “guide dent” that Shane already beat into his skull), when Ed’s wife declares “I should do it, he’s my husband, and also I really want to pickaxe him in the skull a bunch of times.” Does she ever:
Oh cool, Amy is coming back to life! Andrea was right after all:
Just when you thought The Walking Dead really was going to have Amy come back to life and bite Andrea (which looked like it’d been set up too clearly last episode), Andrea tells her sister she loves her and pulls out her gun and lovingly shoots her through the brain. Those sisters – they got a language of their own, you know? Now, the big question: Where does the group go from here? Rick suggests they head to the CDC, figuring it’ll be protected and may possess a zombie cure (I kept thinking they were saying “CBC”, which actually makes sense, because I’m sure the survivors in Montreal are guarding Hockey Night In Canada with their lives). Shane disagrees, and wants to go to a military stronghold that’s “100 miles in the wrong direction” (the right direction, presumably, is away from zombies? This wasn’t clear.) Rick and Shane discuss these options on a routine perimeter sweep, and after some finger wagging over whose fault it was that the camp got attacked (my opinion: the zombieses), Shane points his rifle at Rick from a distance, then lowers it and realizes that Dale was watching him. Welcome to Akwardville! Population: All of you. Shane relents and tells the group they’re gonna head for the CDC first thing in the morning. Everyone agrees to come along except for Morales and the Morales Family:
“We haven’t seen our relatives in a while, plus they got a guest room with a futon so I’m sure it’s cool if we crash there.” Nice plan, Morales. On the road, Jacqui is worried because “Jim’s fever is getting worse.” Oh no! More important question: Has he turned into a f*cking zombie yet? “No, but I’m worried he might develop some drymouth and light nausea.” It’s looking bad, so Jim asks the group to leave him behind, and the group obliges. Jim lies against a tree by himself, looks up, and sees American Beauty or something. Bye forever and ever, Jim! Definitely won’t be seeing him again as a zombie. Wait, is Jacqui Jim’s wife? Missed that. Never mind, they’re moving on. When the show comes back from commercial, suddenly, we’re introduced to a whole new character in a whole new venue:
Meet Dr. Jenner, a lone scientist inside the CDC who’s working on a zombie cure. Unfortunately, he knocks over a test tube and it hits zombie flesh and it all starts corroding, which triggers the lab’s automatic F***ing Explode mechanism, which blows up all the samples. Jenner says “the magnitude of losing these samples cannot be understated” into his crappy Max Headroom-quality camera. He then proceeds to jerk off for the 90,000,000th time. Suddenly, Rick and Co. arrive at the sealed doors of the CDC but are unable to get in, and when walkers begin to surround them, Shane screams at everyone to make a break for it. Rick isn’t so sure, and when he notices a security camera following him, he yells into the camera to let him in. The zombies are getting closer, but Rick refuses to leave. Shane tries to physically pull him away. Dr. Jenner looks on, scared, but tries to resist opening the gates. Then, just when everything seems hopeless, A LIGHT:
The Walking Dead Episode 5 thoughts? Predictions for the Season Finale? Leave ‘em in the comments. |
| A True Tale From Black Friday, My Best and Worst Nightmare Posted: 29 Nov 2010 07:19 PM PST
Black Friday. Even the name brings to mind a horrible disease that could easily wipe out half of the English population. Black Plague Friday. To the uninitiated, a quick explanation: After a gigantic Thanksgiving dinner, retailers open their doors in the middle of the night with “unbeatable” deals, which sends usually level-headed people into a gnashing tornado of grabby hands and cash. Black Friday is not a joke. There were people camped outside of my parents’ local Miami Best Buy on Wednesday in order to save a hundred bucks on a television. And we’re not talking tents. Someone had a futon, desk, and working flat-screen TV installed. As is now a Collins family tradition, we made sure to drive by the gigantic Best Buy line on Thursday night and wave at everyone while laughing. Surprisingly, we only got 2 middle fingers. But this year, this was my year. And so, I made an Executive Decision starring Steven Seagal to venture to Sawgrass Mills, South Florida’s premiere outlet mall, at 12 midnight, when they planned on opening their doors to reveal bargain basement, unheard of prices. This would be my Oprah’s Favorite Things moment. I made sure to change into an outfit I didn’t care for, lest it be torn to shreds, and descended upon the outlet mall at around 11:45 PM. The highway was smooth sailing. I thought “Wow, maybe people have decided that family is more important than some stupid clearance sales. Good on you, America. Good on you” as I juggled three silver dollars while laughing maniacally. Then I got to the exit. Here is an artists portrayal of that moment:
It was panic mode. There were a MILLION CARS all clamoring to make it in time for the bargain$$$. Thankfully, I was well-versed in layout of this particular mall, so managed to save about an hour going through back roads. But the parking. Ohhhh. The parking.
This was the only way. So like a pedophile with a suspiciously sized lollipop, I waited patiently by the mall exit til a nice woman with arms full of bags hoofed it outside. Cue me rolling down my window, Hookers At The Point style: “Hi there, do you know where you’re parked?” “Yes, not far away.” “Can I ask you a weird question?” “Do you want me to get in your car?” It was like BUTTER. Is this why people tell children not to get in the car of strangers? Because seriously, this could not have gone smoother. Except for the part where I said “I promise I’m not a serial killer,” which is word for word what serial killers certainly assure their prey moments before they’re slow dancing with their corpse on the beach.
I drove my new Outlet Shopping BFF to her car, where her boyfriend was patiently awaiting her arrival. This was my Parking Oscar moment. As millions of cars looked on with envy, they pulled out of their spot, and I glided my dad’s sensible Mercury Milan right on in. I have never, in my life, experienced this sensation before. Victory. Pure American F**king Victory. This feeling was so pure, so unrefined, that honestly I would have gladly dropped $1,000 on a Wertzel’s Pretzel. The money didn’t even matter anymore. I HAD WON. Now I was inside the mall. It was Insanity & Colmes. If you’ve ever seen episodes of The Amazing Race where they go to Bangladesh and the roads are pure and deadly chaos, this is the closest thing I could compare the packed aisles of this mall to. There were all kinds there: Tourists, locals, elderly people, babies, a TON of BABIES, happy couples, unhappy couples, a TON of UNHAPPY COUPLES. Really, ladies, if you’re ever looking to pick up someone’s extremely miserable boyfriend, Black Friday Shopping is “The Place”©. (Men, I imagine the line at any electronics store would be “jump off” paradise for you.) There was even a man on crutches, an injury I’m certain was sustained while waiting in line at Starbucks.
Did I mention the mayhem? The line to get into the Coach Outlet and Juicy Couture was about 4 solid blocks long of bad highlights and pristine manicures. It was truly a glorious cross-section of South Floridian Americana, a veritable stroll in the Museum of Consumerism that makes us one of the luckiest and deservedly most hated countries around. I hit up a few more stores — Ralph Lauren was offering 30 percent off everything, which was great, if you were willing to wait on the check-out line that was longer than Cisco Adler’s ballsack. (Really long. Fact check this 2007 news item at your own risk.) Michael Kors had some killer deals, literally, offering 50 percent off chloroform-soaked cloths. It should be mentioned that my Mother now refuses to buy anything from him after he made Gretchen the winner of Project Runway. My shopping remained light (a pair of sunglasses and classic Collins tunic dress), and frankly, most stores were offering the same discounts from the previous Wednesday, when, yes, I went to the outlets with my parents. One of the only stores that seemed to offer some truly salivating bargains was the Burberry Outlet. By 2 AM, the store still wasn’t open, but giant signs with 50 percent off runway bags plus an additional 25 percent off the entire store were enough to get my attention. A girl at the store next door claimed they were opening at 4 AM, nary 2 hours away. Oh, and I would return. That gave me 2 hours to elbow my way through fellow deal hoarders and kill some time. No complaining here. The people watching was Stellar McCartney, hence I was in my element. It was then I saw a mirage of such proportions I had to see how many acid tabs I had dropped to make sure I hadn’t OD’d. There it was…. GLAMOUR SHOTS. Mother. Effing. Glamour. Shots. Was. Open. I mean. I had waited my whole life for this day. I frantically tweeted to my adorable followers, asking if it was worth the humiliation of being made up, tarred and feathered in front of thousands of people for the glory of that single, delectable shot.
you guys. seriously. should i get glamour shots right now? they’re open. #blackfriday
And they answered with a resounding: OBVS. But, if this plan was to work, I would have to wait until I was at my most pass-out tired in order to get pics. Eyes bloodshot, feather boa carefully wrapped. I was born for this moment to happen.
To ensure maximum exhaustion, I decided to line up outside of the Burberry sale about an hour before the doors opened. It was here that I became BFF with a bunch of Brazilian people, whom I will now call “The Best People At The Mall.” They were HILARIOUS. Something about the fact that we were all shopping at 3:30 AM made most everyone at the mall extremely gregarious, like being at a nightclub full of bargains. Now it was 4 AM, time for the doors to open and a mad dash to the “Perfect Bag” that would make this entire ordeal worth it. Only, no one came. By this point, I was about 10th in a line made up of 200 people, a line that stretched back for at least 3 blocks. 4:15 AM. No one came. Now people were getting rowdy. By 4:25, folks were calling security to find out, and I think I’m paraphrasing here, “Why the F*CK aren’t the doors open?” Eventually, the head of security apparently woke up the manager of the store who was STILL ASLEEP IN HIS BED. The store wouldn’t be open until 10 AM, regular time. At this point, my feet looked like this:
And my eyes looked like this:
In other words: GLAMOUR SHOTS TIME. “I’d like to have my Glamour Shots taken please.” A solitary man playing Freecell on a giant Mac slowly turned around in his seat. Picture the chef at the Overlook Hotel in The Shining. His gaze slowly traveled downwards to me where I lay sprawled, dead, on the ground before him. And he said:
This. This thing that he said to me. I could swear I heard this playing over the mall’s intercom: This was it. My end of the road. No deeply discounted Brit trash purse. No Glamour Shot. Barely a purchase made. Thankfully, on my way out, I was so exhausted I managed to snag 8 prom dresses and lose my virginity all over again and again in the Taco Bell parking lot. Just like that dream I once had!! Moral of the story? Said in the style of Kanye West: Michelle Collins hates Black Fridays. Next year, I’m going to celebrate Black Friday the American way: By renting the Indian movie Black Friday and stuffing myself with Indian food. (Ed. Note: And now, to nap. Goodnight.) Anyone else have a similar Black Friday experience? Get any good deals? Brag about it in the comments. Or tweet me about it! |
| Pop Culture Break: Educational Interlude Posted: 29 Nov 2010 12:43 PM PST This is not viral, funny, pop-culture related or even mockable. It is just informational and important. That is all. This is a segment from a BBC documentary in which a guy discusses life expectancy, wealth and world history while a graphic representation of the corresponding data appears in front of him. We’re all beginning the week with a “fat day” after all the Thanksgiving food, and perhaps it is time we all take a minute for something worthwhile. We’re disgusting and bloated, and we need to get our life back together. We’ll start by watching this. That IS pretty neat, BBC guy! Good job to everyone who watched this. You have earned your right to now watch this:
Thanks, Best of YouTube. UPDATE: I initially goofed and called the guy British. This has since been corrected. Thank you, commenters. |
| Uhh, Did Gwar Just Disembowl Sarah Palin In Effigy? Posted: 29 Nov 2010 10:30 AM PST It’s always difficult when you agree with the general sentiment of a thing but don’t like the actual thing. It’s even more difficult when the general sentiment of the thing you agree with involves Sarah Palin and the actual thing you don’t like involves Gwar. Oh, boy. This is a nightmare. Also it’s not safe for your work. Especially if you work with Sarah Palin. Okay. Gwar… Don’t do that. Not cool, bros. A lot of us don’t like Sarah Palin, but how about we keep the disemboweling imagery to a minimum? We don’t want her insides on her outsides. We just want her insides to not be made of hateblood and harpyguts. Although, the video might have been worth watching just for that moment that might have happened in your brain where you were like, “Ugh, Sarah Palin is the woooooorst… wait, NOPE! Nope. Gwar is actually the worst.” It’s always nice to be reminded that there is weird theatrical music out there that is worse than Sarah Palin. If the enemy of my enemy is my friend, I would rather they just got along. Thanks, The Daily What. |
| Will Someone Please Marry Courtney Love? Posted: 29 Nov 2010 10:02 AM PST Courtney Love is an American legend. Don’t believe us? Then you, friend, are living a lie. The Hole front lady and Mrs. Cobain stopped by the offices ofRunning Russell Simmons (Russell Simmons has an Oxygen reality show? Of course.) to discuss the details of her PLEASE GOD TELL ME IT’S TRUE upcoming reality show called Rock Chicks. She brought along with her some slurred storyboards detailing things she’d like to see in the show. Her rant on autocrats and plutocrats alone is certainly special. But most importantly: SHE NEEDS A HUSBAND. Come on, guys out there, you could definitely do worse. Just think how beautiful her eulogy to you will be at your funeral. Make sure to fast forward to 6:00 in to see her “mood boards,” which are one permanent marker away from reaching “Laces Out” territory. “I’m good at mentoring girls, that’s my strength.” |
| Unjokeaboutable: Willie Nelson Arrested For Pot Possession Posted: 29 Nov 2010 09:23 AM PST I’m not sure I can muster the proper amount of sarcasm to deal with this story, but I’ll give it a shot – Willie Nelson has been arrested for pot possession, you guys:
I might get in trouble giving out this prestigious award with 90 years to go, but I believe this story has officially earned the title of…
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| Ben Affleck Makes A Really Good Decision, Won’t Direct New Superman Movie Posted: 29 Nov 2010 09:18 AM PST From Contact Music:
This is absolutely the best thing Ben Affleck has ever done/not done. The whole thing about what is wrong with Ben Affleck is that he always tries to play things just a centimeter or two outside of his range, just enough to make it uncomfortable. But this time he had the restraint to not ruin a thing. The upcoming Superman movie is shaping up to be really promising. We dodged a bullet here. |
If you know me, then you know that there’s a lot I’ll do for a bargain. I’ve driven hundreds of miles to scour some of the country’s best outlet malls. I spent the better part of my youth buying designer gowns at Loehmann’s for those events I was sure I would one day be invited to. (Still waiting.) While on vacation in Italy, I even forced my dear mother to hire a cab to take us to an outlet mall in the middle of nowhere (Umbria? Tuscany? Who remembers.) where I tap danced all the way back to Milano in my bargain Ferragamos. And while I’ve been to many a sample sale, I had never before taken part in a trample sale, otherwise known as “Black Friday.” 
Parking was nothing short of Discovery’s Planet Earth levels of stalking. Thousands of cars all moving at 2 mph in an effort to find that one golden spot. But those spots did not exist. There were zillions of parking spaces full of cars. And much like a date rapist on the Jersey Shore, one would pull out every 10 minutes or so. Until I saw a driver pull a genius tactic. He found one of these rare specimen shoppers who were leaving the mall at around 12:15 am, invited this man into his car, and physically drove him to his spot, thus ensuring that his car would be the one to replace it. No stalking needed!
In my exhaustion, I went to the first store and just started grabbing things at random in Supermarket Sweep fashion. After about 10 minutes, I checked out my haul: A fur vest, some goggles, one shoe, and a paperweight. I turned my shopping cart over in the trash and started all over.
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