Thursday, November 25, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Dutch So You Think You Can Dance Will Make You All Like, “Wait, WHAT?!”

Posted: 24 Nov 2010 12:14 PM PST

You’re really really not going to understand what is going on here. You’re going to feel confused and nervous, and, if you’re not already home, you’re going to want to go home. This may or may not be real. It also may or may not be safe for work. YOU CAN’T EVEN TELL IF IT’S SAFE FOR WORK! Are nylon pants penis outlines safe for work? What if they’re fake? BUT WHAT IF THEY’RE NOT? Get ready to start wondering. The following is a clip from the Dutch version of So You Think You Can Dance. (But seriously, this might not be safe for your work because of a grotesque nylon pants penis outline.)

What do we do now? What is there left for us to say to each other? “I think I have to go home now.” – All of us.

Thanks, The Daily What?

The 5 Most Childish Charlie Sheen Flirt Texts

Posted: 24 Nov 2010 11:46 AM PST

TMZ, you’ve earned a golden wacky sound effects machine today for your coverage of the Charlie Sheen / Capri Anderson text message exchange, in which Sheen offers to pay her $20,000 a few hours after the infamous for some reason Plaza Hotel incident.

Below, the 5 best texts from the TMZ report (there’s only 5 texts total, but they’re all the best), which confirm my suspicions that Charlie Sheen is, in fact, a millionaire twelve-year-old, not unlike the one in Blank Check if he used more clubbing jargon:

#1 – “All I need is an Acct number etc and I will wire u 20k if u think that will cover everything … I really feel bad, u are as cool and sexy and as sweet and fun and friendly as they get!”

#2 – “Don’t worry about our mutual friends, deal with me directly and I promise u kind lady, all will be restored and set straight.”

#3 – “Oh, well in that case, lemme put together a plan to get u square and flush. Can u tok (sic) for a sec now sweetie?”

#4 – “Good news! My asst Rick is good friends with a cat named Mark (last name redacted) in NY, he will get the wire, cash that bitch, and deliver it to u where ever it’s convenient … I’ll get the ball Rollin in am, and have data for u asap after that…☺”

#5 – “Lemme start that ball Rollin and I’ll get back to u with the details…”

TMZ notes that the payment ball never, in fact, got Rollin. But they fail to mention whether or not Mark was literally a cat.

You know, a lot of times when celebrities get made fun of, I think to myself, “man, if I had a camera on me 24/7, obviously they’d catch me saying and doing some stupid crap,” but I can say with great confidence that my record of text messages would never be this entertaining. What I’m trying to say, in a roundabout way, is that Charlie Sheen is most definitely a celebrity. Nicely done today, Gossip Cosmos.

Can We Take A Second To Discuss Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson?

Posted: 24 Nov 2010 11:09 AM PST

If you live in New York, you have no doubt seen this musical advertised everywhere for some time now. If you live outside of New York, however, I suspect you might be entirely ignorant of a play currently in production called Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson. And that would be fine, except for the fact that the commercial they play on TV to advertise this musical is… retarded. It’s RETARDED. I’m sorry. I said it. I’m sorry I said “retarded,” but the commercial is absolutely retarded and it is important that everyone see it. If you haven’t seen it, watch it right now. Because we’re going to make fun of it.

Is Broadway f*cking with us? “Populism! Yeah YEAH!” Hahaha. We all agree that’s ridiculous, right? That is exactly how that song would go if this were a fake commercial for a fake musical that would never exist because it is a terrible idea.  You know at the beginning of Tropic Thunder how they have those fake previews that serve as satire? How is this not a thing like that? And Andrew Jackson is supposed to be an angsty teen who I can only assume grows up to be the president of Green Day? What is this? I will admit that Bloody Bloody Andrew Jackson very well might be a competently produced and written musical, but this commercial isn’t doing it any favors.

And now I feel bad for people who live in New York and read this post because, to you guys, this is old news. So what I will do for you is make a joke here than ONLY people who live in New York will get. Here it goes: I want to write a musical about the subway station where the J train meets the L train and called it Broadway Broadway Andrew Junction. (I in no way promised it would be a good joke.)

The Sing-Off Is Glee Minus The Everything

Posted: 24 Nov 2010 11:02 AM PST

NBC’s The Sing-Off doesn’t premiere until December, but they have some 30 second preview clips online and hooooly mother of flamboyant a cappella, this performance by The Whiffenpoofs of Yale is amazing (not “amazing,” but, you know, amazing in the way that I can’t tell if loving things because they’re absolutely ridiculous even counts as loving them ironically because most things I love now are in that way and who cares).

I’m on play 15 myself. Who’s up for some Watching Parties?

If someone wants to turn those last 2 seconds into a .GIF, or just frame them and hang them over the entryway of my mansion, please be my guest.

The Kanye West 10 Minute Complaint Challenge: Can You Get Through It?

Posted: 24 Nov 2010 11:10 AM PST

Kanye West had a “secret” show in New York last night. Today a video got released from that show. The video is 10 straight minutes of Kanye West complaining, bragging and generally free-associating about anything he can think of. At 02:16 he says he’s there to play music and then he talks for eight more minutes. By all accounts, Kanye’s new album is actually great and most people seem to think he’s making some of the most interesting popular music right now, but this… Jesus Christ. This is awful. So here’s the challenge. Try to watch this whole thing and take Kanye seriously the whole time. If you make fun of him in your head even once, you lose.  Aaaaaaand START!

You LOST! Don’t try to tell me you didn’t lose. Even if you watched the whole thing, you lost. Nobody is a winner at the Kanye West 10 Minute Complaint Challenge.
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