Thursday, October 14, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Fashion Toddler Is Too Damn Cool

Posted: 14 Oct 2010 08:48 AM PDT

My attention was recently directed to the website for Salvatore Ferragamo apparel, not because I’m wealthy or because I know what clothing is or anything, but because the site’s Flash intro is absolutely amazing, featuring a bunch of way-too-serious people wearing fancy clothing in the woods, including, among others…

The Coolest Damn Toddler You’ve Ever Seen:

“Sup shawty. H’bout you park that Osh Kosh on my Dora chair — we got bottleservice.”

Chilean Miners’ Tiny Relatives Are Extra Adorable

Posted: 14 Oct 2010 08:23 AM PDT

Kids are adorable*. Fact. But add in a couple of months of hardship, plus missing your relatives, plus Chile, plus mines and the are rendered extra adorable. Vice has posted portraits of the Chilean miners’ kids, grandkids, and other tiny relatives taken by Irish photojournalist Adam Patterson. Pop culture relevant? No. Life-World-Cute-Heart-Rending Relevant? Yes.

That’s Marion on the left and Vicente on the right. These two tykes are just a small (ha) preview of the cuteness that awaits you at Viceland.

It’s nice that amidst the mistress/wife controversy, which is admittedly sort of fun in an outsider-y looking in sort of way, that this account is present. Can you believe they all got out safely? And wearing super cool glasses? Though, yes, for practical purposes, still made then look BADASS?

*Kids are adorable to look at and frequently hang out with but they can also be super annoying. Much like adults.

As A Citizen Of The World, You Are Contractually Obligated To Watch Justin Bieber Rap.

Posted: 14 Oct 2010 07:17 AM PDT

Life is full of ups and downs. Windows open, doors close. Mark-Paul Gosselar is an an insanely sexy sex scene in Weeds, Justin Bieber makes a video of himself rapping. Sunrise, sunset.

I know I’m not completely alone in the sentiment that I wish every video ever made would be the same caliber as Zack Morris sexing. However, I also know that more people than that love them some Bieber. Bieber trumps Morris/Gosselar. And, because of the rabid legions of Bieber fans as well as Bieber enthusiasts and Bieber thrill seekers and older, slightly ironic but bordering on sincere Bieber fans, we are all fans. Because that basically includes everyone in the World, despite a small hold out who, like it or not, will ingest a certain amount of Bieber every day. Like flouride in water or mercury in sushi. I mean, I exaggerate, sort of. You can do whatever you want. Depending on which country you live in and what your water filtration system is like.

To be more positive, because why be a hater when you can be a sheep, what’s fun about this video is that it shows us a different side of Bieber! He’s not singing, but speaking rapidly. Rapping(ish). So that’s something. Here it is:

BIEBER’S WHITE??? Remember Richard Pryor in Hear No Evil, See No Evil where’s he’s all, “You mean I’m not white???” That effectively sums up my sarcasm.

I’ll say this, the rap moniker Shawty Mane is adorable. Though I wonder how Gucci Mane feels about this. Ugh, they’re probably friends. Whatever.

World’s Fastest Mobility Scooter Has Been Invented, Because It Is Necessary

Posted: 13 Oct 2010 02:20 PM PDT

No one is safe anymore. For THIS has been invented and will surely be put into mass production by early next year:

It’s the world’s fastest mobility scooter. UK Metro Reports:

Colin Furze, 31, spent nearly three months converting the machine which has a powerful 125cc motorbike engine hidden under the seat, five gears and twin exhausts.
The petrol-powered super scooter, which is British racing green, can almost reach the national speed limit and keep up with cars on the motorway.

First, side note, my new official favo(u)rite colo(u)r is “British racing green.” Moving along.

Why have a motorcycle or any other sort of machine actually built for speed when you can have this? Sorry, I don’t want to be a Negative Nancy. Hell, why NOT? Oh, this is why:

‘It is quite scary when I’m driving it fast as the frame is pretty flimsy and designed for going along at slow speeds,” said Colin, from Stamford, Lincs.
‘You can’t take your eyes off the road when driving it as any rash steering decisions could make it flip over and the slightest dip or bump in the road makes it drift off course.’

In addition to certain death, this will surely beget a whole new Fast and Furious franchise. Plus side, it will make the handicap and the old feel a ton more badass, until the aforementioned certain death. Also, I hope Mr. Furze keeps away from cliffs. Ugh, TOO SOON. I apologize.

Human Peanut Becomes World’s Shortest Man

Posted: 13 Oct 2010 01:50 PM PDT

Oh, look what we’ve found: A live action version of “Marcel the Shell with Shoes On”! That’s because a new 18-year-old human baby in Nepal has been tinily crowned — one ripped off of a tooth molar, we’re sure — the World’s Smallest Adult Man.

And you guys…

HE IS SO SMALL!!!!!

His name is Khagendra Thapa Magar, and on his 18th birthday, he became an official Guinness Record Holder at only 27 inches tall.

Here is video of this treasure which will cause your heart to dive out of your eyes and into the pool of tears that has now formed around you. From the opening shot of him failing at badminton (he is the very same size as the shuttlecock… ladies…), to the footage of his mother combing his hair with a toothbrush, to his voice that sounds like he sucked helium out of a sealed contact lens… there is just so much to love about him.

Antoine Dodson Performs At BET Awards And WHAT IS GOING ON???

Posted: 13 Oct 2010 01:21 PM PDT

Antoine Dodson was in a viral video, got real internet famous, then was in an awesome autotuned remix of that viral video and got real internet famous again, and then he started showing up in person to things and now he’s performing the autotuned version of the viral video he was in live on awards shows and videos of the live performance are on the internet and going viral and AHHHHHHHHH WHAT IS HAPPENING ANY MORE???? WHICH ONE IS REAL AND WHICH ONE IS THE DREAM????? I NEED AN INCEPTION TOP DOT COM!!!!!

Did BWE Predict Mario Lopez’s Reality Show “Saved By The Baby”?

Posted: 13 Oct 2010 01:27 PM PDT

No one in the world is happier than myself about the upcoming Vh1 reality show following around Saved By The Bell star cum journalist Mario Lopez, his girlfriend, dancer Courtney Mazzo, and his new baby, probably a giant dimple. Look how happy they are:

The show, which premieres Monday, November 1 at 10:30/9:30c on VH1, follows Mario Lopez around in a brand new light that we’re not used to seeing: Hot dad. Everything about the show sounds absolutely fantastic! Except for one thing: The title. That’s because the title is Saved by the Baby. Adorable, right? Yes. But coincidence? I spent 11 hours making the following Photoshop for my Mad Men recap back on August 17, 2010. Witness:

Did someone say opening credits sequence title card?

So you’re welcome, VH1, for this genius title. I’ll take my residuals in the form of being a contestant on the next Flavor of Love installment. Also, kudos to Saved By The Bell, as its alums are clearly having the Best Week Ever.

Watch: Mark-Paul Gosselar Sex Scene In Weeds Is NSFW and AWESOME

Posted: 13 Oct 2010 12:34 PM PDT

First thing’s first, I’d just like to repeat that this is NSFW, as you can probably ascertain from this screen grab. And the fact that the phrase “sex scene” is in the headline. A sex scene that I have watched five times already. And counting. This isn’t your mom’s non-pop-culture-relevant sex scene (what?). This is a Mark-Paul Gosselar sex scene. And, for whatever reason, Saved By The Bell references hold fast and strong and dear in my heart, as I know they do in so many of yours as well.

Well, you know what? Let’s call a spade a spade and say that this would not be the case if this were a Dustin Diamond or Lark Voorhies sex scene. My Saved By The Bell loyalties only go so far. Specifically, as far as this scene. Show Girls? Not my cup ‘o tea. Not even ironically. So, basically, what I’m trying to say is screw Saved By The Bell, it’s just a red herring to say that Mark-Paul is HOT. So HOT. And so is Mary Louise. And I’m overcome with feelings of jealousy and awesomeness. Anyway. Let’s watch it. I’ll watch it with you, again. Dad, if you’re reading, don’t watch this. Thanks.

I mean, True Blood features scenes like this in the outtakes for its commercials. (That was supposed to mean that True Blood basically consists of these scenes and adds dialogue and plot as an afterthought plus fangs and stuff). My point with this is WOW look at that sexy chemistry and WHAT is the context wait I DON’T CARE because this is CRAZY bar sex featuring one of the premiere teen idols of my time. AWESOME.

Via Fleshbot (site NSFW)

What It’s Like to Meet Michael Lohan

Posted: 13 Oct 2010 12:59 PM PDT

As some of you know, almost a month ago exactly I packed up my many trinkets and tunics, slapped my New York City super in the face, and bought a one way ticket to Los Angeles, where I am now residing. This move was not prompted so much by the fact that I had spent the 12 best years of my life living in a cement hole, moreso because I had landed a real life television job. That’s right, I am now the co-host of The Gossip Queens, a nightly gab fest airing on Logo at 7 PM and all throughout the day. Here is an unflattering photo of me on the set!

That’s me, far right, saying something hilarious I’m sure, Alec Mapa, in the tie, Bernadette Pauley, lefter, and Loni Love, leftist. We are all comedians, and while we’re also talking gossip with various bloggers and guests, we’re mainly being funny. Which is why you should watch. 7 PM. Logo. Watch.

But while we do consider ourselves a comedy show, next week, things will take a turn for the serious. Because we managed to score an interview with Michael Lohan. Now, some of you might recognize his name as one of the great recent purveyors of Celebrity Boxing. But, more famously maybe, he also happens to be the father of Lindsay Lohan, currently serving time in a rehab facility because girl loves drugs. Also, and maybe most importantly, he is the BFF of Jon Gosselin.

I was nervous. Which tunic would I wear for such an occasion? The black one was nice… oh but this black one is really nice.

Michael arrived at our set dressed like a man on a mission. A daughter saving mission. His feet donned the finest of ostrich-skinned cowboy boots. No doubt that ostrich was asking for it. His jacket was made of a leather so fine, so buttery soft, that even Hitler would have questioned its provenance. This jacket was what Hollywood dreams were made of, and if I were Lindsay, I would contact my dad just to feel the lugz-zhurious sleeve alone.

This appearance was not about comedy. It was about setting the record straight and making a plea to Lindsay, who is almost certainly a fan of our show. If you tune in next Tuesday night, you’ll hear Michael talk about his own stint in prison, beating up his crackhead brother-in-law, his ex-wife Dina, Lindsay’s participation in the Linda Lovelace biopic, and much, much more.

Look at us, being all serious.

But what surprised me the most was how emotional the segment was. No, I know. I know. I didn’t think it would go there, but it DID. And remember, my heart is made of leftover granite countertop fragments. But when a father, any father, is talking about saving his daughter’s life, I don’t care who it is, you’re going to feel some pain. I think I at one point said something like “a daughter needs her daddy,” by far the creepiest words to ever escape my lips ever.

The lesson here? Michael Lohan made me cry. And in that single tear, I saw the reflection of this:

Someone, get Lindsay the help she needs. And make sure to tune into The Gossip Queens, every night at 7 PM on Logo! (Michael’s episode will be on next Tuesday.) Also it’s rerun like 5 times a day, so tune in then too!

[Photos via The Gossip Queens/Dennis Hardison]

The Hipsters Have Claimed Justin Bieber

Posted: 13 Oct 2010 11:22 AM PDT

Here’s The Biebs performing at La Qua Garden in Tokyo today:

This occurred shortly before Bieber left the stage and FourSquared into an organic brunch speakeasy in Brooklyn called B. (Brunch).

Fortunately, he’s hipster-looking enough that it wraps around again and it’s cool for him to blast Justin Bieber at parties and tell people “I don’t care what you think, this is a solid single.”

Toy Grit: Best True Grit Trailer Yet

Posted: 13 Oct 2010 10:06 AM PDT

Wow, the internet isn’t even waiting for movies to come out anymore before turning them into amazing mashups. Not that I’m complaining — this True Grit / Toy Story mashup (obviously titled “Story Grit Trueoy”, or possibly “Toy Grit”) falls squarely into the category of “If this were an actual movie, I’d watch the crap out of it.”

Those Pixar folks just keep cranking out the winners, don’t they?

Even the Pixar mashups get universally positive reviews:

(via /Film)

Richard Dreyfuss Is Really, Really Honest About Red

Posted: 13 Oct 2010 09:18 AM PDT

This weekend, Hollywood will release a filmed thing called Red (working title: The Oldspendables), starring Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Ernest Borgnine, Helen Mirren, and Richard Dreyfuss. The film has been billed as an Action-Comedy, meaning people will die but other people will say wacky things right afterward, and it’s been conveniently-titled “Red” for maximum parental name-remembering.

Richard Dreyfuss recently spoke about starring in said film, and if there’s one thing we know actors are good at, it’s justifying their occasional mediocre, paycheck-driven project selections with artistic BS. Let’s see what Mr. Dreyfuss has to say about deciding to star in Red:

“I did it for money and to work with this group of folks,” he said. “I’m nothing if not honest.”

…”I think the people that run Hollywood are completely befuddled about how to get an audience so they’re grasping desperately to the old people,” Dreyfuss told us. “Hollywood has always been good at grasping to what has worked in the past and bleeding it of every last drop of worth.”

Oh. Well then. We really appreciate the honesty, Richard, though really you could’ve been fine just regurgitating “The script was fun and I really wanted to work with the legendary Helen Mirren,” then awkwardly introducing a clip from the film that you clearly haven’t seen.

Obviously this type of in-depth honesty won’t catch on in Hollywood (the Bay lobby won’t allow it), but when you’re 62 years old, I guess you just don’t care anymore. This was no boating accident.

(via Vulture)

McDonalds Happy Meal: The Physical Impossibility Of Death In The Mind Of Someone Living

Posted: 13 Oct 2010 09:21 AM PDT

Gizmodo posted a video done by a New Yorker named Sally Davies who bought a McDonalds Happy Meal, left it uncovered on her table and took a picture of it every day for 6 months. Here it is. (Clicking will take you to another page, but then come right back and we’ll chat about it):

Listen, we all know that McDonalds is gross. We’ve all seen Super Size Me, some of us even twice in the theater because we inexplicably lied and said that we hadn’t seen it because we didn’t want to argue about what movie to see and it seemed like less of a hassle to sit through a documentary that makes one physically ill rather than just go and look up other movies. (Bad decision, obviously. DAMN YOU, SPURLOCK!) But we continue to eat it, especially when we’re hung over and driving back from a wedding and it seems like a delicious road side option. And it is. It is so delicious. We eat it at our own risk and, thus far, I THINK I’m OK. Clearly if you eat it three times a day, every day for a month (SPURLOCK!) you’ll have issues. Speaking of food lasting for a long time, I have a tin of sardines in my cupboard that I’ve had for about 6 months. I do not think that’s OK either. It’s probably not OK. Wait, I’m gonna throw that out right now…I’m back.

Anyway, I still find this video interesting, but more as a work of art. The meal is frozen in time. It’s like that Damien Hirst shark, except it would never have to be replaced. Because it would never decompose. (Incidentally, that piece of art is also the reference for my most pretentious headline to date. See above).

Honestly, the grossest part about this for me is that Ms. Davies left food out in the open in her NYC apartment. That makes me want to die. Do you know how gross New York City is? It’s so gross. Rats, cockroaches, mice, silverfish. They all want to eat our food and then us and then our belongings and sometimes they just want to hang out. So, rather than prove a point that has already been made (SPURLOCK!), I think Ms. Davies should’ve just enjoyed her Happy Meal and moved right along.

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