Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Kanye Replaces Entire Bottom Row Of Teeth With Diamonds, Presumably Not From Sierra Leone

Posted: 20 Oct 2010 09:01 AM PDT

As a dream scientist/expert, I know that the most popular nightmare, or at least anxiety dream, is having one’s teeth fall out. It’s a terrible dream. But at least it’s a dream. Unless, by your own volition, you choose to have a dentist remove your entire bottom row of teeth and replace them with diamonds.

Can you even GUESS who would DO such a thi-you’re right. Kanye West. Obviously. He was on Ellen the other day to show them off. Ellen is widely known to be the first stop for showing off your new diamond teeth. Post cheating on significant other/prostitute encounter is more of a Leno affair. First, here are the teeth, via Kanye’s Twitter:

Reports The Daily Mail:

The rapper showed off the sparkling diamond and gold implants to chatshow host Ellen DeGeneres yesterday.
‘I just thought that diamonds were cooler,’ he told her, saying he asked the dentist to remove his bottom row of teeth and replace them.
A fascinated Ellen asked: ‘It’s not a grill?’
Kanye replied: ‘It’s really my real teeth. I replaced my bottom row of teeth.
‘I guess there’s just certain things that rock stars are supposed to do.’

First, does this up his life insurance rates by, like, a billion?
Second, Isn’t he afraid of grave robbers? I’m just thinking ahead.
Also, Let’s just check in on the list of things rock stars are supposed to do:

1. Sleep with groupies
2. Get wasted
3. Write memoirs about their days of getting wasted and sleeping with groupies
4. Make rock music.
5. Have at least one child out of wedlock.
6. Have public meltdown
7. Replace entire bottom row of teeth with diamonds

Oh! There it is. OK, cool. So I guess we should listen to this now:

Christine O’Donnell In The Crucible

Posted: 20 Oct 2010 08:07 AM PDT

Poor Christine O’Donnell — she went through great lengths to convince everyone that she’s not a witch for her senatorial campaign, and now, right after another embarrassing controversy, comes the bombshell that Christine O’Donnell was actually in The Crucible. Not the play or movie version, but actually in The Crucible, as in, part of the story. Crazy, right? Watch the unaltered clip below and be shocked.

If we find out she was in Hocus Pocus too, she’s just gonna drop out of the race, right?

(via Film Drunk)

Vintage Video: Vincent, A Creepy Short By Tim Burton. Obvi.

Posted: 20 Oct 2010 07:44 AM PDT

Do you like Tim Burton? As, like, more than a friend? Like, as your favorite gothic genius artist/filmmaker? Yes, Johnny Depp, we know you do, sit down.

Do you like narration by Vincent Price and little stop motion boys who are obsessed with Edgar Allan Poe, who dress like they’re in an Edward Gorey book?

Johnny! Shut up! I’m talking to everyone else. Your love of Burton is well documented. No, we do not want to hear you sing anything from Sweeney Todd.

Do you like sixminutevideos (sorry, I wanted to say that quickly so it wouldn’t put you off). Good! Me too! So, in the spirit of loving Tim Burton and Halloween and murderous fantasies, let us watch this short entitiled Vincent that Burton made in 1982, before Beetlejuice or Bonham-Carter.

A few things: Yes, this has over one million hits. But, this has been around since 1982, and the Internet has been around since like 1776, so that’s not so much. Do the math. Also, it’s just really good. So good that it makes me depressed that I do not produce anything that good. There’s still time, right, right?????

The Laughing Squid via Huffington Post

Best Quiz Ever: Cracked Out Song Lyrics Edition

Posted: 20 Oct 2010 06:09 AM PDT

Good morning! We’re happy to announce that we’ve teamed up with our friends over at Sporcle to bring you this new daily feature called Best Quiz Ever (clever, eh?), a simple, fun pop culture game that you’ll be able to play each and every morning. The team here at BWE.tv is writing these quizzes especially for you, so if you have any suggestions for future categories, please leave them in the comments section below.

Now, for today’s initial installment, we decided to take a look back at some of the silliest — some would say lamest! — lyrics that we’ve been hearing on the radio over the last couple of years. The rules are pretty easy: All you have to do is enter the names of each of the artists singing these ridiculous lyrics in the fastest time possible. We’re not giving away any prizes at the outset, but who knows, all that could change at a moment’s notice. Have fun!

Teach: Tony Danza Episode 3 Recap: Yes, This Is Still A TV Show

Posted: 19 Oct 2010 08:33 PM PDT

This is a recap of the third episode of A&E's new television program, Teach: Tony Danza. The only comforting thing about this show existing is how few people actually know it exists. If you know somebody who doesn’t know about it, do not burden them by telling them about it. This should stay on the down low — specifically the down low for terrible things.

What has became clear in the past two episodes is that Tony Danza‘s biggest struggle so far as a teacher is that he’s makes everything too much about himself. He has good intentions, but he’s used to performing, and that tendency is a hurdle in the way of him keeping the focus on the students. So what happens in this episode is that Tony Danza makes everything about himself more than ever before.  What the F*CK, Tony Danza?! We begin.

The episode starts with Tony Danza singing the National Anthem at a Phillie’s game.  You know, like teachers do! “I should be home getting ready for my next class, but I’m here with my buddy, Joe, and we’re gonna have a good time at the Phillie’s game,” says Tony Danza. God DAMN IT, Tony Danza!  Already? It’s the beginning of the third episode and you’re already neglecting your teaching responsibilities to be in the spot light. For shame. Even the Phillie Phanatic can’t bring himself to look at you.

Anyway, Tony Danza does actually nail the National Anthem. He is really good at singing it. And then we smash cut to the all new Teach: Tony Danza intro which consists of Tony Danza explaining what the TV show is while indie music plays in the background. The intro ends with this still frame:

But, really, the intro should end with this still frame:

Tony Danza begins his day by talking to fellow teacher Andy Stern who is a Glasses Jew.

Is that an American Eagle yarmulke? We never find out. That question is not answered in the very boring conversation that ensues in which Mr. Stern asks Tony Danza to be the guest speaker at Senior Pin Night, an even where seniors receive pins from their parents. Tony accepts because, as he explains, he has trouble saying no to people.

Shortly after, Tony Danza begins wrangling kids into his first class of the day. “It’s Crazy Hat Day!” he yells.

Uhhhhh, does Tony Danza think it’s Crazy Hat Day because he just saw a guy in a yarmulke? It would seem so. Crazy Hat Day in never referenced again in the episode. Nor is it ever mentioned that that style hat ranks number 3 as the world’s least crazy kind of hat.

The kids pour into Tony Danza’s class.  One student remarks that she saw him sing the National Anthem at the Phillie’s game. Tony Danza is flattered even though there was no compliment given. He then mentions that he’s also going to be performing in Atlantic City the next weekend.  The following explanation Tony Danza gives of his Atlantic City show is an absolutely perfect example of his teaching style. “I do my live act. 1,500 seat auditorium, you know, showroom, a ballroom at the Hilton Hotel. I got a band. I sing and I dance.  I tell jokes.  It’s one of those jobs I didn’t want because I had this thing to do, you know… teach.  But they…but somehow we decided to keep this one particular date, and there’s nothing I can do, I gotta do it. Anyway, let’s pass in the homework.” Exact quote. No joke.

Unfortunately, Algernon didn’t do his homework. He’s like, “Psssssssssshhhhht, I didn’t do it.”

Tony Danza is NOT happy about this. Algernon has been slacking off a whole lot lately. And despite the fact that Tony Danza keeps giving him more chances, Algernon just keeps refusing to do his work.  Tony Danza meets with Algernon after class, but Algernon pretty much ignores him.  Tony Danza says he’s really going to have to put some effort into reaching Algernon. Which I’m sure he will do right after he goes to meet with the mayor of Philadelphia.  What?

What the f*ck is this show? Mayor Michael A. Nutter calls Tony Danza into his big Mayor office where he asks Tony Danza to emcee an event for the National Career Academies Coalition which sounds like a totally real organization and not just a bunch of words crammed together. He wants Tony Danza to  get some kids together and put on a whole show. And I’m totally sure this was all the Mayor’s idea, and A&E didn’t have anything to do with setting this up. Because, first of all, it makes the most sense of anything in the world that the mayor of a major city would personally request that TONY GODDAMN DANZA emcee an event.  And second of all, to have a first year teacher who is already doing shows in Atlantic City also try to put on an entire show production would be distracting to everyone and further draw his attention away from actually teaching at the expense of the students. It would be irresponsible and stupid. That’s why I’m sure A&E had no hand in this.  Anyway, Tony Danza accepts because, like he said before, he has trouble saying no to anything that involves him being the center of attention.

While on the phone with his Atlantic City show producer, Walter Painter, Tony Danza asks him to come in a week early to help with the show for the mayor. Walter agrees. He shows up at North East High and immediately begins helping Tony Danza get everything together. He is older than all the students thought he would be.

And beyond being old, some of the students find him to be naggy. But not Ben A.K.A. Kyle and his Mustache A.K.A. Coming Along Nicely.

Ben A.K.A. Kyle and his Mustache A.K.A. Coming Along Nicely think Walter is doing an okay job.  The first rehearsal, however, is not a success. Tony Danza and Walter can’t seem to get control of the kids. Tony Decides he needs to bring in Miss DeNaples.  He for some reason meets her at a nondescript pizzeria like he’s covertly pulling together a bank heist.

He’s got to get the old team back together for one last job. She reluctantly agrees to help. “I’m getting too old for this sh*t.” That’s not a quote from her. That’s just how you feel watching this show.

During an off period the next day, another teacher comes in to have a chat with Tony Danza. His name is Chuck Carr, but everyone calls him Ice Man.

Haha, I’m just kidding. Nobody calls him the Ice Man. Look at him. Mr. Carr sits down with Tony Danza and they have a heart-to-heart. Tony Danza is frustrated that it’s taking him so long to become a good teacher. Mr. Carr explains that it takes years to become a good teacher. He asks Tony Danza if he is actually willing to teach for that long. Tony Danza says he wants to see how this year turns out.  Unimpressed, Mr. Carr goes on to bring up Tony Danza doing shows a show in Atlantic City and singing the national anthem at the Phillies game. He suggests that perhaps Tony Danza is more interest in acting like a teacher than being a teacher.  “I just sang the national anthem and came home,” Tony Danza responds.  “I’m totally committed.” Mr. Carr is like, you sure ’bout dat?

Later that evening is the big event for the mayor and the International Association for Organization or whatever.  But first Tony Danza goes to the foot ball game because, oh yeah, Tony Danza is still sort of coaching football, too!  Full disclosure: I didn’t mention that early in the episode, Tony Danza convinced a player not to quit the team, and it was kind of touching. But, whatever. It was boring.

So, Tony Danza goes to the football game where the coach gives the first ever football pep talk that is mostly about Tony Danza.

Yeaaaahhhhh!!!! Nothing gets kids more pumped up than praise for Tony Danza. And fueled by that Tony Danza praise, North East High wins the game. Tony Danza then must rush to the even for the mayor where everyone has been waiting on him because he is running late. Everything goes fine, though. The concensus is that it was a very good show.

The next night is his big Atlantic City show. He begins the show with what is meant to be a joke, but he actually makes a very good point. “For those of you who haven’t seen my act before, you probably have a couple of questions on your mind. The big question, the really huge question, is ‘What does he do?’”  Haha, I don’t know, Tony Danza!

The episode ends with Tony Danza back at school. He goes to the football coach and politely explains that he can no longer coach because he should really be focusing on his teaching. That’s a good decision.

So that was it. This was a very good example of how to make the third episode of a show the worst thing I’ve ever seen. There were a few nice moments with students that I didn’t mention, but that was only because they were so heavily overshaddowed by instances of Tony Danza being way too Tony Danza.  He does seem to be getting better, though. I’m thinking there’s more to come concerning his relationship with Algernon.  If the show doesn’t get cancelled first. Oh, man, I hope the show gets cancelled first.

Boardwalk Empire Recap: When Irish Eyes Are LOOK MIDGETS!

Posted: 19 Oct 2010 04:13 PM PDT

This is a Recap of Boardwalk Empire Season 1, Episode 6, entitled “Nights In Ballygran”. There were midgets dressed as leprechauns dancing around with pots of gold. You’ll want to read on.

The definition of meta: A subplot about a bunch of midgets who demand a pay raise to degradingly dress up like leprechauns and dance at Nucky’s St. Patrick’s Day banquet, but in real life, the Boardwalk Empire producers have to hire midget actors to play the characters who don’t want to degradingly dress up like leprechauns but eventually do. Kind of awkward, right?

Like, the whole time I was watching Shallow Hal, I couldn’t pay attention to the movie because I felt too bad for the actresses they cast as the “ugly” girls that Hal kept seeing, and for the producers who had to hold casting calls for “ugly girls” and tell a select few of them “congratulations, you nailed it! You are the PERFECT ugly girl out of this group of thousands of ugly girls! Now everyone in the country is gonna see you being ugly!” Remember when literally everyone in the country went to see Shallow Hal? What a weird day. NEVER FORGET.

My point is – was this leprechaun part really the most important thing that happened in Boardwalk Empire Episode 6? Yes it was. Everything this entire season has clearly been leading up to the big leprechaun negotiation, from the Big Jim Colosimo murder to Jimmy’s kid waking up in the middle of him receiving head.

Personally, I thought it was a risk when HBO brought in Marty Scorsese to executive produce a show entirely about leprechaun negotiations, but that’s precisely the kind of creative freedom only HBO can afford. I think they nailed it. Tiny Emmys for all!

Let’s cover the other less important non-midget stuff in the episode after the jump:

It’s St. Patrick’s Day week at the ol’ Boardwalk, and people are concerned about the first ever St. Pat’s in the Prohibition Era. Without alcohol, how will people of Irish descent lord over people who aren’t Irish but are also seeking an arbitrary excuse to get drunk? (i.e. “Hopper is an Irish name – my intoxication is much more legitimate than yours!”) Fortunately everyone has a f**kton of alcohol, so they’ll be fine.

Nucky and Eli are gearing up for their big annual Old Irish Dudes banquet, and Eli announces he wants to say a few words to his Irish brethren. He’s even been taking some public speaking lessons:

Nucky is incredulous, and while he’s degrading Eli’s political aspirations, Margaret approaches him and gives him some homemade soda bread. Nucky suddenly becomes selfconscious and acts all busy, then totally doesn’t respond to her Facebook birthday invite and when she asks him if he got it he’s like “haven’t been on Facebook in forever, been real busy.”

Margaret throws the soda bread away, and when she returns with her Temperance League colleague to meet with Nucky later in the episode, she asks Nucky how the bread was and he says he enjoyed it. BUSSSS-TEDDDD!!!! Nucky then acts shocked when they tell him about a warehouse behind Margaret’s house that keeps unloading beer barrels in plain sight and forcing her children to do kegstands, and he agrees to shut it down immediately, as surely as he definitely received that soda bread.

Margaret is awakened the next day from the same guys unloading beer and blasting “Celebration,” and realizing that Nucky won’t do anything, Margaret ups her ante and meets with Agent Van Alden, the world’s most perfect square:

Van Alden tells Margaret that he’s powerless to shut down even 10% of the illegal distilleries and distributors operating in Atlantic City, but gets her to name-drop James Neary, the operator of the warehouse who works for Nucky. It is ON. “It” being Van Alden’s violently misplaced devotion to the law.

On St. Patrick’s night, Nucky allows Eli to address the Celtic Dinner with his public speaking attempt, and Eli opens by asking the gathering to “Lend me your beers!” I have no idea what happened in the episode after that, because I still haven’t stopped laughing. Was that supposed to be an “Eli is bad at this” moment? Because I loved it. I demanded an encore from my television.

Eli’s anti-English speech quickly ignites an argument between the native Irishmen and the American Irish in attendance about who’s doing more for the Irish cause, but before they settle the dispute with the traditional drinking each other under the table, Nucky manages to calm everyone down by sending in the leprechauns, the same tactic I use whenever I’m in an argument with my girlfriend.

Van Alden then bursts in with a bunch of agents, punches an attorney, and breaks up the Celtic Dinner. Outside, Nucky sees Margaret and her Temperance ladies singing a song about not drinking (an early incarnation of D.C. Straight Edge?) Eli then takes a swing at Nucky and falls over. Everything has gone wrong for Eli this night, and he’s tired of it:

Meanwhile in Chicago, Jimmy and his face-sliced mistress share some orange juice and opium cocktails (aka “Dan Hopper Lemonades”), and after sharing some tender drugged-up moments, she shoots herself in the head. Whew! Jimmy was gonna have to deal with face-cut lady forever. That worked out great!

The episode concludes back in AC with Nucky pulling a 20s booty call and showing up at Margaret’s house, and they finally make out:

And their child grew up to be…PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA. So many twists! Suck on that, stupid engaged Mad Men.

Boardwalk Empire episode thoughts? Updated season thoughts? Favorite / Least Favorite parts? Predictions? Reactions to that face-cutting part from last week when I missed the Recap? Leave ‘em in the comments.

ADORABLE TOWNE: Best Coast’s “Boyfriend” Video

Posted: 19 Oct 2010 02:06 PM PDT

The L.A.-based pop trio Best Coast have already run away with the title for Most Adorable Album Cover of 2010, and now they’re continuing their pursuit of the Adorable Triple Crown with this adorable video for their adorable single “Boyfriend.” There’s a new sheriff in Adorable Towne, Sweet Millions commercial…

(via Stereogum)

Broad Abroad: The True Story Of Kathleen Chloe Cahoon

Posted: 19 Oct 2010 03:26 PM PDT

Every so often, something completely cringeworthy and unabashedly awesome will flash across your computer monitor and you’ll think to yourself, “This can’t be real, can it?” After all, we’re living smack dab in the middle of the Viral Age (patent pending!), an era where greedy corporate hucksters will do anything and everything to convince the public at large that what they’re watching is real and not manufactured (see: those jerks in Atomic Tom). Well, dear readers, as best we can tell, Kathleen Chloe Cahoon is totally, completely, 110% FOR REALZIES.

Cahoon is the author of The Single Girl’s Guide to Meeting European Men, which is the hottest selling how-to book since How To Pick Up Trashy Women. Just like any author worth their advance these days, she’s been hitting the YouTubes in an attempt to drum up some viral buzz for her book. Well, mission accomplished, Kathleen, we’re writing about you! Sadly, though, it’s not because you have the best dating tips for meeting European men, but rather because we’re not entirely sure that you’re actually human! Watch the clip below and see if you agree.


Eek! Rather than meeting European d-bags point guards, might we suggest that Kathleen hook up with someone she’s got something in common with? Like, perhaps, Greg the sportscaster (who definitely is NOT an alien)? We think the two would have a lovely time heading on over to Oktoberfest, getting drunk and making some sweet, sweet extraterrestrial love. Just don’t, under any circumstances, dance!

Megan Fox, Brian Austin Green, And Inexplicable Tiger

Posted: 19 Oct 2010 01:12 PM PDT

In their ongoing effort to be celebrities, still together couple Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green posed with a tiger today. Good job, guys – your Celebrities Gettin’ Photographed Doin’ Stuff quota for October has been fulfilled:

That’s not a very topical reference, tiger. But I suppose I should just be impressed by your ability to reference human popular culture at all, especially in English. Carry on.

California Gubernatorial Candidate Accidentally Makes A Video Viral

Posted: 19 Oct 2010 11:12 AM PDT

The internet loves nothing more than a story that is about the internet, so needless to say, this story is way going around the internet.  What happened was Sarah Pompei, a campaign staffer  for California Gubernatorial Candidate Meg Whitman, tried to Tweet a link to an endorsement from the San Diego Deputy Sheriff’s Association.

But she accidentally left an “r” off the end of the link which resulted her accidentally linking the following YouTube videos to all of Whitman’s supporters.

And now this Japanese guy dressed as a girl playing the bass is a YouTube star. So, that’s pretty great. Your move, Jerry Brown.

Thanks, LA Times.  But, seriously, your Times is a fake Times. Even Eric from season one of Entourage thinks so.

Jimmy McMillan Is Governor Of The Internet

Posted: 19 Oct 2010 10:29 AM PDT

Jimmy McMillan of the “Rent Is Too Damn High” Party owns the internet today — it’s like the Simpsons Banksy intro came to life and grew an awesome mustache — and there’s not much else to say about this clip other than “Hear hear! Your policies and mustache and karate references are excellent, good sir!”

The other New York Gubernatorial candidates just walked into a real-life viral video and they have no idea what’s going on. First one to remix this wins the election:

Topless Barber Shop: Worst Idea Ever?

Posted: 19 Oct 2010 10:00 AM PDT

A “Gentlemen’s hair salon” in Sydney, Australia is now offering topless haircuts from four confident female hairdressers:

While I’m usually in favor of randomly topless things (right dudez??? Just high-fived eighty construction workers by my desk), getting a haircut by two topless hairdressers seems like the most awkward experience possible.

It’s taking toplessness out of strip clubs — which are dark, private, and serve alcohol — and inserting it into getting a haircut, which is already one of the most labored, pointless social-interaction experiences around, forcing you to make mundane smalltalk about the weather of the Yankees while nursing a huge erection. It’d be like having a topless dental checkup, or a topless elevator on the way to work in the morning. Toplessness doesn’t improve the situation, it just adds boobs to it (not the same thing, surprisingly).

That said, to give the hair salon its counterpoint, here are three more pictures of the Australian topless hair salon (NSFW-ish):

I’d let HER cut my hair, if you knowwhatImean! I don’t know what I mean. Did I mean pubic hair? Cause I wouldn’t let her do that, that’d be sad for all parties concerned. I guess I mean, like, sex.

(pics via Splash News)
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