Best Week Ever |
- Scream 4 Trailer
- A Reminder To Keep Calm And Cary Elwes
- Wishery: The Ultimate Snow White Remix
- FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS RECAP: One Final Season To Rule Them All
- Here Are 10 Cover Artists Worse Than T-Pain
- Asia Doesn’t Disappoint With Cat Ass Elephant Video
- Kim Kardashian Has A New Song And You Are Not Surprised
- Imagining Future POTUS Sean Duffy’s All Real World Cabinet
- Is Big Momma’s House 3 Really Necessary?: A BWE.tv Debate
- Aubrey Huff Whips It Out At Giants World Series Parade
- There Exists A Spanish Dog Sh*t Game
- T-Pain Desecrates Michael Jackson’s Grave With Autotuned “P.Y.T.”
- Mel Gibson’s Poster For The Beaver Takes On Creepy New Meaning
- Girl Can’t Hit Correct Notes, Is Very Hard On Herself
- Heidi And Spencer File For Bankruptcy
| Posted: 05 Nov 2010 09:03 AM PDT I don’t know if this requires a spoiler alert or not, but the “a” looks totally suspicious.
Also, I can’t believe they got Neve Campbell. Just kidding. That is the thing I believe most. Now let’s watch this. First of all, how is it possible that “Virgins can die now” isn’t the tagline on the posters? Someone already wrote that senstense down. Why not put it on the posters? Second of all, Sydney should get a gun. I’m not a big gun guy, and I don’t think guns are necessarily a deterent to violence. But come on, Sydney, you really should get a gun. People keep trying to kill you. Get a gun. |
| A Reminder To Keep Calm And Cary Elwes Posted: 05 Nov 2010 08:23 AM PDT |
| Wishery: The Ultimate Snow White Remix Posted: 05 Nov 2010 07:58 AM PDT Well, it took 73 years, but someone finally remixed the voices and sound effects from Snow White into an elaborate, Crystal Castles-sounding super-remix. I thought the internet would’ve gotten around to making this sometime in the 40s, but I guess the internet was busy fighting that war, plus it was mostly Phantom Menace rumor pages back then anyway: (via /Film) |
| FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS RECAP: One Final Season To Rule Them All Posted: 04 Nov 2010 04:21 PM PDT This is a Recap of Friday Night Lights, Season 5 Episode 2, entitled “On The Outside Looking In”, originally airing November 3rd, 2010. I was hesitant to start recapping the final season of FNL last week because it’s only airing on DirecTV’s Channel 101 and won’t be on NBC til next year and I imagine most of you can’t watch it, but guess what? I have DirecTV and I watched it and I’m gonna write about it and you’re gonna SIT RIGHT THERE AND TAKE IT.
Sorry, didn’t mean to turn hostile up there. I’m just angry that Matt Saracen isn’t returning my calls about why he instantly and completely disappeared from the show. Right now I’m crying and the camera is really shaky and tight on me and half the screen is artfully blocked by someone’s shoulder, and I’m not sure I can hold out long enough for the show to introduce an attactive but kinda indie-looking new dude to crack a joke so I can make out with him one episode later. It’s been rough. FNL Recap is after the jump. WARNING – SUPER NSFW, contains Dialogue:
Episode 2 opens with the East Dillon assistant coaches reading newspaper writeups about their big Week 1 upset and high-fiving each other, talking about getting ranked, and building graven ranking images and worshiping them. How does Coach Taylor feel about the coaches and players paying a bunch of attention to the media? HE LOVES IT. That’s why they call him Eric “Always Happy About Things That Distract His Players’ Focus” Taylor. He’s so happy about it, he doesn’t even care that his nickname is extremely inconvenient. Actually, Coach Taylor is secretly super nervous about this whole ranking deelie, and blows off some steam with random shots of him sitting at a bar alone:
Meanwhile, the football players hold a lottery to see which rally girls they get paired up with for the coming season, even though the season started last week. Vince draws a redhead chick from The Plastics, but his girlfriend Jess doesn’t trust her for some reason…
Vince tells his rally girl thanks, but he’s off the rally girl market. So noble! Then he sees his teammates get baked goods and porn and INSTANTLY reconsiders, telling Jess “How come you don’t bake erotic sex cakes for me?” Jess is like “If you really want a rally girl, you can have one,” and Vince decides that he’ll have one. Cool! End of discussion. I’m sure that’s the last we’ll hear of this situation ever. Good thing, too, cause we got a lot more to cover, like Luke Cafferty looking piiiiiiissed:
Talk begins to circulate about Luke being suspended by the league for his injury-causing hit last week — with what’s been going on in the NFL over the past month, this episode had a near South Park level of prescience — and the threat of suspension is really getting to Luke, who was the perfect gentleman for like two episodes but then impregnated a woman with a painkiller baby and aborted it by slamming it against a farm fence, or something. Now he’s picking fights with Vince in practice again (CONTROL-V Season 4 Dialogue):
“Can’t we all just get along?” – Topical reference that’s probably in Vampires Suck. Vince isn’t the only one tenser than a Texas…tense…thing – new football-and-baby-coach Billy Riggins takes it out on Lazy New Basketball Dude:
Fortunately, Coach Levelheaded is there to level the sh*t out of some heads:
Basically, the Lions have gone from scrappy underdogs to well-known league targets after their upset win, and they CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH (also probably a joke in Vampires Suck). Coach Taylor finds out from Mac McGill that the league is indeed specifically out to get them, and the league does end up suspending Luke for one game. Though to be honest, the hit looked super illegal; Luke left his feet, targeted the other guy’s head, and it was the other team’s star QB during an interception return — it definitely would’ve warranted a fine in the NFL, let alone Good Old Boys: The League. On the LIGHTSer side, in just one year, Vince has gone from jail to receiving letters of intent from all the nation’s top college programs, unless the Bengals just sign him directly. He breaks the news to his mom, and in a heartfelt scene of tears, asks his mom where she wants to live:
Tammy is still having a rough time as East Dillon’s new guidance counselor — she gets laughed at by the teachers when she suggests they volunteer more of their time for an after-school mentoring program, plus she just can’t get through to Angsty Smokerson over here:
Tammy goes to Happy Hour with the teachers, and when the outspoken A-Hole one spills a drink on her, she feels bad and tells Tammy “That party foul really gave me some time to think, and I actually will volunteer for your program to mentor these Eastern A-Holes.” Then Angsty smoking girl shows up to her scheduled meeting with Tammy. Yay! SUCK IT, Waiting For Superman. Just spill some sh*t on education, it’ll get fixed instantly. The football players have a party the night before their second game, and Jess tries to outdrink Obviously Wanted To Bang Vince Girl for obviously wanting to bang Vince. She throws up what looks like oatmeal, and Vince is like “Guess that terrible idea was terrible. I don’t need a rally girl, all I need is you, provided you bake me porn.” Luke isn’t doing so hot, though, responding to his suspension news by getting hammered and randomly confronting Hasting:
Before the game, everyone is pissed about Luke’s suspension and the papers screwing East Dillon in the rankings, but Coach Taylor makes it all better by writing “STATE” on the board, and everyone runs onto the field fired up. That guy! Always knows when to write “STATE” on the board am I right? The episode pulls one of those annoying “Ends right before the game” blueballs moves, but them’s the breaks. Also, Julie is gonna f*ck a married T.A. at college. More on that next week. Friday Night Lights Season 5 thoughts so far? Anyone been able to watch it? Comment away, cable-privileged few of you! |
| Here Are 10 Cover Artists Worse Than T-Pain Posted: 04 Nov 2010 03:18 PM PDT
But is it the worst cover of all time? Not by a long shot. Here are 9 cover artists who are worse than T-Pain. 10. William Shatner – “Rocketman” Some would argue that William Shatner is actually a great cover artist. Then you listen to his versions of “Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds” and “F*ck You” and take two grapefruit spoons to your ears. T-Pain might be an updated T-1000 sent back from the future to kill music, but Bill Shatner (we’re old friends) can’t even crack out a note. Here is his legendary performance of Elton John’s “Rocketman,” which is actually pretty good until about 2:04 when he attempts to sing. Then it becomes Alzheimer’s Daily. 9. Courtney Love – “Bad Romance” Crime against humanity. Crime against humanity. Crime against humanity. Crime against humanity. Crime against humanity. Crime against humanity. Crime against humanity. Crime against humanity. Crime against humanity. Crime against humanity. Crime against humanity. Enjoy. 8. Alvin And the Chipmunks – “I Gotta Feelin’” The only difference between Alvin and his chipfriends and T-Pain are a pair of testicles. Still, autotuned speed singing should be killed with a can of hairspray and a blowtorch. 7. Sid Vicious – “My Way” I would have rather he urinated all over Frank Sinatra’s grave then this cover song, which does to Sinatra what 2 Girls 1 Cup did for eating chocolate frozen yogurt. 6. Shakira – “Dude Looks Like a Lady” Horrendous in every direction. 5. Shirley Bassey – “The Fool on the Hill” Now nobody loves Shirley Bassey more than me. No one. So much so that I buy random albums of her singing random songs. But even my love for Shirl-Bass cannot excuse this HORRENDOUS Beatles cover. 4. Kylie Minogue – “Help” Now that we’re on a Beatles kick, we’d be remiss not to mention Kylie Minogue’s “In Living Color”-esque cover of “Help.” As Dan Hopper once mentioned in his 10 Worst Beatles Cover post, “[Comedian in Hawaiian Shirt and Tie]: Wouldn't it be funny if The Beatles were every R&B group from the early 90s? It might sound uuhhhhhhh little somethinggggggg… like this:” 3. Celine Dion and Anastasia – “You Shook Me All Night Long” Celine falls into Shirley Bassey territory for me, in that she can do very little to nothing wrong. Except for this, which is one of the worst things I’ve ever heard. 2. Britney Spears – “Satisfaction (I Can’t Get No)” Mick Jagger is rolling over in his living grave made out of jeans. Keith Richards’ penis shriveled so far into itself that it reverse out of his coccyx and he has a tail now. 1. Kenny G – “Endless Love” He’s Kenny G. Don’t let this amazing video of dogs and cats seduce you. This is a tiny saxophone cover of a song that is an American classic (thanks, Happy Gilmore). Worse than anything autotune could ever dream of. Can Kenny G even be autotuned? Or would we disturb the space-time continuum of suckiness? Don’t answer any of these questions. |
| Asia Doesn’t Disappoint With Cat Ass Elephant Video Posted: 04 Nov 2010 02:08 PM PDT Asia. Gigantic continent. Delicious food. And the most adorable cat asses in the world. To be fair, they are the only land mass in the world that sees any possibility in cat asses. Because they manage to see possibility in everything and anything. To us? A gray cat ass with a sort of oddly shaped tail. To Asia? A mighty elephant. The transformation is astounding. (via Buzzfeed) This is the biggest thing to happen to cat asses since famous internet meme “Clown cat ass”:
It is famous, right? |
| Kim Kardashian Has A New Song And You Are Not Surprised Posted: 04 Nov 2010 02:47 PM PDT UPDATE: Surprise! It turns out this is fake. Kim Kardashian did not come out with a new song, and even if she did, this is not it. You can read about the confusion here if you’re looking to really do some deep research into this whole thing. What is written below will now serve as a hypothetical post showing what would have been sad had this been true. There was a time when non-musical famous people would start singing songs and it was genuinely surprising. 1987 for example. That was a time when people were surprised by a non-musical famous person doing music.
Everyone was like, “Whaaaaaat? Dukakis will have to take care of this when he becomes president.” Now, though, it happens, and we as a culture just absorb it. There is no element of shock anymore. And that is why you are not surprised that today there is a new song called Shake by Kim Kardashian. The terribleness/mediocrity of this song was perfectly summed up by Dan Hopper in a gchat window.
Thank you, Dan. And thank you, Buzzfeed.
|
| Imagining Future POTUS Sean Duffy’s All Real World Cabinet Posted: 04 Nov 2010 11:49 AM PDT
It’s been a long, long time since we actively watched a new season of the Real World. In fact, looking back over a list of Real World seasons, the Real World: San Diego cast was the last one that we could name multiple cast members from without any sort of assistance. That said, our knowledge and love of the show’s first 14 or so seasons is beyond compare, which is why we were so delighted to learn that RW: Boston‘s Sean Duffy was elected to the House of Representatives on Tuesday. Now, we’ll readily admit that we weren’t exactly Poli-Sci majors in undergrad or anything, but we’re pretty sure that this means Sean Duffy will be elected President of the United States some day (which, in an awesome twist, means that our First Lady will be a former fling of Puck’s). Once elected, one of his first jobs will be to put together a Cabinet of trusted associates. Knowing how busy the life of a President can be AND how thick the bond is between members of the Real World fraternity is, we thought we’d take some time to help him with some suggestions for who he can tap to serve faithfully alongside him.
Who else should President Duffy tap? *We didn’t do the research, btw. We have no idea if this is accurate. By the way, as long as you’re reading this footnote in tiny type, remember Matt from RW: New Orleans? You know, the spiky haired virgin dude? Well, apparently he has overcome his virginal ways and knocked up his wife. Good news! The bad news? She just had the baby. On the side of a freeway. We wish we were joking. [All Photoshop props should be directed towards Lauren Deiman!] |
| Is Big Momma’s House 3 Really Necessary?: A BWE.tv Debate Posted: 04 Nov 2010 11:35 AM PDT Before we get into our debate, let’s bring you the facts: One of our favorite comedians Martin Lawrence is teaming up who even cares for a third, generous installment of the Big Momma’s House franchise. This movie is called Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son. It is a delightful journey through police transgender undercover work, with no less than 1400 references to rap songs in the trailer alone. It’s just like the other two movies, only this time, s/he has a niece! (With a penis. Spoilzies!) After sending this out, Dan Hopper and I got into a mini-debate about whether Big Mommas: Like Father Like Son was really necessary. Dan begins, putting more thought into this topic than anyone has ever thought about anything previously ever: Dan: In the first BMH, Martin Lawrence dressed up as a specific person named Big Momma to infiltrate that person’s specific group of friends, one of whom was a criminal. How could there possibly be TWO OTHER REASONS for him to go undercover as Big Momma again? Wouldn’t word have gotten out about the first two times Big Momma was actually a cop in disguise? WHAT THE F*CK, BIG MOMMA’S HOUSE? I, however, had another take:
Dan: That scene is just the default when you start a new Big Momma’s House movie. It’s, like, already on the Word template. Michelle: Haha Clippy is like “Mmmm chile, that girl is fine!” Dan: “I want to f**k that girl, Oops I’m a girl!” That line happens every 10 seconds in the movie. Michelle:The Big Momma’s House fat suit is going to fling itself off of a bridge. Dan: They had to take it out of the Tulsa Planet Hollywood. “Dust it off, we’re makin’ a third!” So this isn’t so much a debate as much as it is an agreement: WHY ON EARTH ARE THEY MAKING A THIRD? |
| Aubrey Huff Whips It Out At Giants World Series Parade Posted: 04 Nov 2010 11:03 AM PDT Here’s Giants first baseman Aubrey Huff riling up San Francisco fans at the World Series celebration by pulling his “rally thong” out of his pants and presenting it to the crowd. Somewhere, Ty Cobb is rolling over in his grave, but only because there’s black players now, not because of the thong. Even he enjoys the Zoolander reference. I was still really hoping Huff was just gonna pull out his penis and be like “What? We won.” (via Deadspin. Not HUFF Po, surprisingly.) |
| There Exists A Spanish Dog Sh*t Game Posted: 04 Nov 2010 10:57 AM PDT It was brought to my attention by a friend’s Facebook post that there exists in Spain a commercial for a children’s game called Bruno Pu-Pu. It’s a game where you feed a dog things and then watch it, you know… sh*t out what you just fed it.
So that’s a thing. Nobody can deny that is a thing. And then there’s also this Spanish game commercial which I’m pretty sure is making fun of Americans.
“When I grow up, I want to be a very responsible but obese pet owner.” – Spanish Kids |
| T-Pain Desecrates Michael Jackson’s Grave With Autotuned “P.Y.T.” Posted: 04 Nov 2010 10:08 AM PDT
And it’s only getting worse. Because one of Michael Jackson’s classics, “P.Y.T.,” has been maimed and destroyed by our leading autotuning culprit, T-Pain, along with handsome son of the dad on Growing Pains, Robin Thicke. Get your pointing fingers out, and aim them at the following people: Quincy Jones, I am pointing at you. Robin Thicke, I am pointing at you. (Call me.) And T-Pain, of all people, I am especially pointing at you. Shame. SHAME. But there is a bright side. That bright side is that most Americans have functioning earholes, and the moment this Rosie on The Jetsons backwash hit their eustachian tubes, they went crazy. Twitter users are slamming T-Pain for having titanium vocal chords, and Quincy Jones is none too happy. He told my new favorite website, Rap-Up.com:
We don’t have a life? Us? We’re not the ones taking classic songs and hacking them into pieces in a mixing studio. Maybe if you spent less time doing searches for yourself on Twitter and more time writing new material that is sung by an actual human being and not HAL, we wouldn’t be in this mess. T-Pain, please autotune this and afterlife fax it to Michael Jackson, wherever he may be. (via Eliot Glazer) |
| Mel Gibson’s Poster For The Beaver Takes On Creepy New Meaning Posted: 04 Nov 2010 10:08 AM PDT Sure, Mel Gibson, blame the beaver puppet:
Yeah I’ll address myself to the puppet – right after the puppet SHUTS UP AND BLOWS ME. Sorry for flying off the handle, I’m holding a gopher puppet and my puppet made me say that. Anyway…that’s the poster for the Mel Gibson / Jodie Foster movie The Beaver, the story of a man who one day decides to live his entire life speaking through a beaver puppet, but which is currently on indefinite hiatus because of whatever Mel Gibson did (parking ticket? Definitely something parking related.) Unfortunately, this makes no sense, because who wouldn’t extremely want to see Mel Gibson talking through a beaver puppet right now? I extremely want that. Don’t miss this rare opportunity for your whole movie to seem way creepier and more menacing than you ever intended, Beaver people! (via ComingSoon.net) |
| Girl Can’t Hit Correct Notes, Is Very Hard On Herself Posted: 04 Nov 2010 10:09 AM PDT Remember in middle school when your friend first got really seriously into guitar? A big group of your friends would be at his house, and suddenly he would just bust out his Fender Squire and play some Save Tonight by Eagle Eye Cherry. But he wasn’t really good at it yet. He still struggled with barring the fret board, so he had a lot of trouble with the F-chord. And he would keep saying, “Wait…” and starting over. “Wait… (strum)… Wait… (strum)… Hold on (strum)… Wait.” This girl you’re about to watch is exactly like that. But with singing. AND ALSO SHE IS INSANE! I hope she is okay. Thanks, World Star Hip Hop. |
| Heidi And Spencer File For Bankruptcy Posted: 04 Nov 2010 01:10 PM PDT
Well. This was inevitable. There was nothing any of us could do about it. I don’t know how many of you out there read The Big Short by Michael Lewis, but now we all get to feel like the people in that book felt. (Stick with me here a minute.) The book was about a few unrelated people who saw the recession coming. They looked at the state of the bond market and the mortgage industry in the mid to late 2000′s and said, “This is unsustainable.” We all got to do that with Heidi and Spencer. We saw them two years ago, and they had just written a book, and they both looked like crisp clean stacks of pale thousand dollar bills. But we all knew it was all based on unreliable fame mortgages. We all realized that no one had ever checked to see if Heidi and Spencer had the proper talent collateral to back up their fame. See? We’re all like economic geniuses. Some of us are even like half blind economic geniuses with Aspergers Syndrome. Right, guys?! Oh, go read the book. |
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