Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Let’s Play “Robert Pattinson, Hugh Grant, Lesbian Or Jewish Mom?”

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 12:51 AM PDT

Get ready to challenge yourself with the most mind-boggling, reality-warping game to ever sweep the internet by storm. It’s called “Robert Pattinson, Hugh Grant, Lesbian or Jewish Mom?” and it’s simple: Looking at the below hairstyles, can you identify if it’s Robert Pattinson, Hugh Grant, a lesbian or a Jewish mom? Sounds easy? Well sorry, Jen Kennings, but prepare to get schooled in the world of ambiguous hairstyles.

Take a good look at each number, and when you’re absolutely sure you know if it’s Robert Pattinson, Hugh Grant, Lesbian or Jewish Mom, click on the photo for your answer. Then tell us how many you got right in the comments. If anyone gets all 20 correct, I will personally come to your house and tease those luscious locks of yours.*

*Not an actual contest or true. Good luck!

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So, how’d you do? Maybe it’s not as difficult as promised. Or maybe you should re-enroll in hair college because you’ve already forgotten everything. Let us know!

Christopher Walken Lookalike Attempts Kidnapping, Gets Arrested, Has Funny Mustache

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 08:18 AM PDT

According to TMZ, this is not Christopher Walken but, instead, a 68 year old man named Tony A. Kadyhrob. And instead of being in movies, he tried to kidnap a 19 year old girl at Rider University. And instead of having no mustache at all, he has a very silly one.

I’ve got obvious joke fever, and the only cure is more neck skin.*

Maybe if Mr. Kadyhrob tried to class it up a little, he wouldn’t have to try to abduct people against their will. This guy knows what I’m talking about:

*So sorry

Soccer Goalie Sues Other Goalie For Saying He Belongs On The Muppet Show

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 07:49 AM PDT

LIGHTEST FEUD EVER! Listen to this BRUTAL war of words between British Champions League goalkeepers Jens Lehmann (not Jens Lekman) and Tim Wiese:

Star goalkeeper Jens Lehmann is suing another goalie for telling a TV audience he belonged in the “Muppet Show.”

While working as a television commentator in September, Lehmann criticized the performance of Tim Wiese of Werder Bremen… Wiese responded a day later in a newspaper, saying Lehmann should “go to the Muppet Show” and be treated “on a couch.”

Lehmann has filed a lawsuit and is demanding more than $28,000 for having his “personal rights violated.” A Munich court will hear the case this week.

That’s not an insult! Dude, do you realize how many amazing famous people have gone on The Muppet Show? He’s basically saying you’re on the level of Steve Martin, Bob Hope, and Johnny Cash, which is neither an insult nor something you should sue over.

It’s not entirely clear if the “you should be treated on a couch” insult is a separate point about seeking psychiatric help or if Wiese actually believes that The Muppet Show is a show where people get treated on couches, which would explain the confusion. I’m sure The Muppet Show did a Professor Pork: Pig Psychiatrist sketch at some point, so he’s probably really specifically referencing that. But it’s still not something to sue over, even the “I think you’re hamming it up!” joke.

Finally, An Antiques Roadshow For Straight Guys!

Posted: 05 Apr 2011 09:23 AM PDT

There seems to be an over-abundance of shows aimed at turning one person’s trash into an undiscovered treasure. The most famous of these shows being Antiques Roadshow, that weekly televised garage sale which inevitably ends with my overcome with tears after realizing that not only is nothing I own is worth anything, but more importantly Mark L. Walberg will never be mine. (You will always be the only Mark Walberg for this gal, Mark L. Walberg.)

But there’s something the world really doesn’t have: An Antiques Roadshow for straight guys. Sure, you could argue that Pawn Stars filled this void a while back, whereas I would argue that Pawn Stars filled this void for drug addicts and food addicts. We joke, of course, as theirs is a void that could never be filled.

Well that’s about to change, straight guys who are closeted Antiques Roadshow fans! Because the manliest of all TV networks, Spike TV, is premiering their new show Auction Hunters tonight at 10 PM/9 C. This is an antiques show for men’s men. It’s got all the charm of Storage Wars minus any of the creeps on the show Storage Wars. Two dudes buy storage units around the country, and then try to sell their found objects in the same episode.

And ladies, don’t fret, there’s something for you too. Have you seen co-host Allen Haff? No? He’s right there in that picture on the right. Exactly. He’s no Mark L. Walberg (let’s not get crazy) but he can also call me.

Here’s a quick trailer for the show, and after the jump, we bring you part one of tonight’s Season 2 premiere. Get your chewin’ tabaccy out, polish that spitoon, because this shopping show is all man.

Auction Hunters On The Road
Tags: Auction Hunters On The Road

Extended clip ahead…

Auction Hunters First Look – Watch Act One Of The Season 2 Premiere
Tags: Auction Hunters First Look – Watch Act One Of The Season 2 Premiere

Abigail Breslin Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

Posted: 04 Apr 2011 04:02 PM PDT

It’s been a while since we’ve laid eyes on child acting prodigy Abigail Breslin. And it seems the young actress has spent her awkward puberty years locked up somewhere, as these photos prove:

She’s busy filming the movie New Year’s Eve with Sarah Jessica Parker, who we assume is playing her Mom. I mean, they might be daughter/Mom in real life judging by these pics. The girl is only 14 and already looks more put together than myself. But I can’t stay furious at her!! (Slightly untrue.)

They kind of look like the promotional poster for Oxygen’s brand new Trenchcoat Mafia series. (Not a real thing.)

Another pic ahead…

[Photos: Splash]

M. Night Shyamalan Casts Will & Jaden Smith In Latest Attempt To Get Made Fun Of A Lot

Posted: 04 Apr 2011 03:20 PM PDT

Even the most benefit-of-the-doubt-giving bloggers walking this internet wasteland are pretty much prepared to make fun of everything M. Night Shyamalan does at this point, but even in our wildest easy-joke fantasies, we couldn’t have dreamt up an instantly dumber sounding movie than M. Night’s actual next project:

Will Smith and his son, Jaden, are teaming up for an M. Night Shyamalan sci-fi adventure!

The 42-year-old actor and his 12-year-old son will star in a story set 1000 years in the future. "the film centers on a young boy who navigates an abandoned Earth to save himself and his estranged father after their ship crashes," The Wrap explains.

"The chance to make a scary, science-fiction film starring Jaden and Will is my dream project," Night said in a statement.

Thanks for the softball, M. Night! Everyone on the internet ready? Aaaaaaaaaand, GO!

Jews Make Passover Video, Embarrass All Other Jews

Posted: 04 Apr 2011 02:36 PM PDT

As a young Jewish lady who goes to temple from time to time to worship and maybe meet a nice man who doesn’t look like a serial killer (my type, p.s.), I try to do my part to support the Jewish arts. Which is why I’m torn about this video, celebrating one of the best Jewish holidays, Passover. Passover’s a great holiday! You get to drink wine with your family no matter what age you are, are encouraged to read a staged monologue in front of others, and get to smear lamb’s blood all over your front door. (How did you guys celebrate?) A few years ago, an old man’s pants fell down at the Seder my parents and I went to in Miami. Basically, it’s a cahrayzayyy time for Jews!

Then this happens. (Note: Tone change.) A group of well-meaning Jewish people with a love for music puts together a Passover Jam set to Miley Cyrus’ “Party In The USA.” It’s called “Best Seder in the USA.” Hmm, what are some nice things I can say about it? It has pretty good production values. There’s a pretty well-cast Matzah Man with some sweet moves. An excellent Bubbe cameo.

On the other hand, it makes me want to “Brooks Was Here” myself out of self-hatred and embarrassment. Which, isn’t that the Jewish way?? To celebrate while also loathe? I’m sure the star of School Ties Brendan Fraser would certainly agree.

In conclusion, if you are Jewish, watch this video at your own risk. Unless you are over 50 or related to the star of this video, in which case, BUCKLE UP: You’re about to fall in love.

I really, really hope this video gets cross-posted on my favorite Jewish gossip blog “Oh Lo They Didn’t.” I’m also curious if non-Jews watching this video find it cute or “Let’s Banish Them From The Planet For Real This Time”-y.

Ahead, as a BONUS! We bring you last year’s Passover Song set to Will.I.Am’s “I Gotta Feelin” from the same dude. Both videos brought to you by JewishTreats.org.

Guy Uses Fake Leg To Stop Robber

Posted: 04 Apr 2011 01:59 PM PDT

NBC News had a report on Friday about a convenience store customer named Steve Cornell who helped stop a robbery with his fake leg in Middletown, Massachusetts.

Just so you don’t end up disappointed, you should know right now that the guy did not remove his leg and throw it at the robber So, that sucks a little bit. But, it’s still a feel-good story. Here’s the report:

MARCH SADNESS CHAMPION: Schindler’s List

Posted: 04 Apr 2011 01:28 PM PDT

After roughly 100,000 tearful votes cast, 63 tearful exits, and an untold amount of actual tears (I’m guessing zero), congratulations to the first-ever March Sadness champion, SCHINDLER’S LIST:

The upstart My Girl posted an impressive showing in the Final matchup, particularly when its vote total very suspiciously jumped by about 500 votes over the weekend, meaning that either 1) It got linked on some My Girl fansite (any of those still hanging around?) or 2) A rogue voter or two kept refreshing the page and revoting. While neither of these scenarios is particularly fair, they are both particularly hilarious.

Thanks to everyone who voted, argued, linked and commented. It’s been a long process, but in the end, we all learned something we absolutely never could have predicted: The Holocaust was really, really sad.

The FINAL MARCH SADNESS BRACKET is after the jump:

DID HE DO THAT? Principal Institutes “Urkel Dress Code Initiative”

Posted: 04 Apr 2011 11:14 AM PDT

A middle school principal in Memphis has implemented a new “Urkel Initiative” to crack down on his students’ saggy-pants dress code violations and to get mentioned on pop culture blogs so that we can all be like “Did He Do That? Principal Institutes ‘Urkel Dress Code Initiative’” and remember Urkel and all high-five our monitors.

The policy barely has anything to do with Urkel (no one even gets asked if they want cheese), but I still understand the motivation — nothing resonates with the middle school children of 2011 than a decade-old family sitcom about a nerd who built a moonwalking robot version of himself:

Will Guy Freaking Out Alone On DC Subway Become The Next Meme?

Posted: 04 Apr 2011 10:53 AM PDT

There is a new video going viral today. It is a phone-cam recording of a man named Yonathan Elias realizing he is alone on a DC Metro car and then going happy-style-crazy-go-nuts about it.

(Slightly NSFW language)

Okay, so now let’s figure out if this is going to get meme-ified. Will this get a couple million views? Will copy cat videos come out featuring college kids running around the library at night yelling “I’m actin’ a fool in the library by myself!”? Will an a Capella group get their terrible beat boxer to back them up while they sing “I can jump, ah-ah! I can do whatever I want, ah-ah!”? It’s hard to say. It would be nice if it did though. It would be a solid replacement for Rebecca Black‘s Friday. We’re all about ready to start moving on from that. Your thoughts?…

Thanks, Urlesque.

In 1996, Bob Dole Was Keepin’ It Gangsta

Posted: 04 Apr 2011 10:40 AM PDT

Picture it: Miami, Florida, 1996. The city I was born and raised in. I was 15 years old, around 5’10″, loving dark lipsticks, and even more Asian looking than anyone could have imagined or hoped for. It was this year that, due to circumstances beyond my control (namely, an older brother deeply entrenched in Republican politics, not named Alex P. Keaton) that my family found ourselves at Versailles, one of the oldest and most famous Cuban restaurants on Calle Ocho in Miami’s Little Havana.

It was there that this happened:

Yes, that is Bob Dole, doing his best impression of a Louis Vuitton garment bag, flanked by my Mother Judy Collins, and indeed, myself, far right, 15, and crazy looking. You will notice my Mother has revealed perhaps more decolletage than necessary, as per usual. And those of you wondering what is around the very handsome Mr. Dole’s neck: He is donning a beaded Cuban flag necklace, handed to him by a local youngster outside. Does this make him a Crip or a Blood?

(Ed. note: If I ever “make it,” I fear this will be the photo people use as a before nose job pic, even though I have never had or have been able to afford one.)
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