Thursday, April 14, 2011

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

This Jelly Bean Doesn’t NOT Look Like Kate Middleton

Posted: 14 Apr 2011 09:49 AM PDT

The Telegraph reports that someone in the UK was eating jelly beans, as you do, and found this mango jelly bean that bears no a STRIKING resemblance to Kate Middleton. It’s a nice twist other food stuffs-based sightings. You know, your Mother Teresa’s on cinnamon buns and your Virgin Mary’s on grilled cheeses and what have yous. Now they want to sell the bean on Ebay for £500. Good hustle, guys.

Not bad. Not good. I mean, it’s no Gummy Venus de Milo:

I’d pay good money for that.

SIMILEBRITIES: K.D. Lang Is Starting To Baldwin

Posted: 14 Apr 2011 09:08 AM PDT

I mean… it’s a pretty great compliment to say that K.D. Lang is looking supppper Alec Baldwinny, right? Frankly, I think even Baldwin would be pleased with this update.

[Splash]

MONKEYS RIDING DOGS: A Reason To Watch Minor League Baseball

Posted: 14 Apr 2011 09:10 AM PDT

Tim "Wild Thang" Lepard is the cowboy entertainer who founded Team Ghost Riders, a group of monkeys in cowboy outfits who ride dogs at minor league baseball games. How did this gig begin existing? The pitch went something like this:

“You know what’s boring? Minor League Baseball. But you know what’s not boring? Monkeys in cowboy suits riding dogs. Ok, so hear me out…”

Here’s a TEN MINUTE highlight reel of Wild Thang’s monkeys riding dogs. You might think you’d get the gist after two minutes, but you definitely do:

Sold! Though really, I was on board the second I saw the dude’s website:

Monkeys Dogs Eagle America. The FOUR CHAMBERS OF MY HEART.

(via With Leather)

An Open Letter To Reese Witherspoon Re: Her Recent Comments About Making Out With Robert Pattinson

Posted: 14 Apr 2011 08:20 AM PDT

Pieces 'n Patz

Dear Reese,

Did you ever have the nickname “Pieces” in school? As in Reese’s Pieces? I wonder if that was cool or annoying? Do people send you Reese’s Pieces? What’s your address? Sorry, that’s not the reason I’m writing. FIrst, congrats. I hear you recently got married. I saw a photo of you at your wedding on the cover of some magazine at Rite Aide and you looked really beautiful and happy and that lent some light to an otherwise terrible trip to Rite Aide. That’s also not the reason I’m writing. I’m writing because you recently said, in reference to your love scene with Robert Pattinson in your upcoming film, Water for Elephants:

"Rob possibly had the most hideous horrible cold of any co-star I've ever had to do a love scene with ever in my entire life. He was literally snorting and snotting through every second of it – and it was not appealing…I'm talking green, infectious, disgusting – I'm not kidding! I'm going to say it's a little bit of a downer…I was a little disappointed. It wasn't sexy."

Listen, Pieces. I do not dispute the authenticity of this story. I’m sure he had a cold. But here’s the thing. The one thing worse than bragging about an amazing experience is saying that a clearly amazing experience was bad. Because it is so transparently a lie. It is an objective lie that making out with Pattinson was disgusting. Sure, he had a runny nose, that makes no difference. You know who you’re reminding me of? The girl who studied really hard for the test, pretended like she didn’t, and told everyone she totally failed and then she gets an A plus. You know that girl? That girl is so annoying! Sure, she’s your friend, but you just want to be like, “Dude, just say that you aced the test because you know you did!” In conclusion, RPieces, just say, “Making out with RPatz was just as awesome as you think it would be, which is to say really really awesome.” The end.

Sincerely,

Sarah

This Video Of An Egg Will Be The Most Exciting Thing You See All Day

Posted: 13 Apr 2011 02:00 PM PDT

“Oh, big deal. It’s a really large egg. Who cares? Honestly. Can you answer that question for me? Who actually cares about this? Why would somebody put this on the internet, and then why would you take this stupid thing they put on in internet and try to put it in my eyes? I can’t believe you have so little respect for me and value my time to such a small degree that you would… OH SH*T LOOK AT THAT!! WHAT THE F********CKKKKKK?!?!? Hahaha. Those Japanese people are reacting quite appropriately.” – You watching this video.

 

Aside from a live baby dinosaur jumping out, that was the best thing that could have possibly happened.

Thanks, Buzzfeed.

The 20 Most Inappropriate Songs Ever Used In Commercials

Posted: 13 Apr 2011 02:14 PM PDT

Sometime in between hearing The Pogues’ “If I Should Fall From Grace With God” in a minivan commercial and the words “Whaaaat the FFFFF?” fully processing in my brain, I decided to cathertically compile the following list of the 20 Most Inappropriate Songs Ever Used In Commercials. This subject has been broached numerous times online before, but before doing some research (some Google, but mostly library microfiche), I had no idea just how widespread this phenomenon was. Prepare your “huh?”s now:

20. Wendy's – "Blister In The Sun" by Violent Femmes

Nothing gets people in the mood for some Value Menu chili quite like one of pop music’s most notorious masturbation songs! I love Wendy’s and make it a point to stop there on any road trip, but I’m not sure I’ve ever been quite… that… excited about the fry-Frosty combination. Could they not acquire the rights to “Longview”? Or that little-known Springsteen song, “I Am Literally Masturbating Over Spicy Chicken?”


19. Royal Caribbean – "Lust For Life" by Iggy Pop

In one of the most egregiously woeful marriages of “whimsical activity” and “song about heroin addiction full of William S. Burroughs references and name of dead heroin dealer,” Iggy Pop’s “Lust For Life” once posed undercover as an acceptable soundtrack for Royal Caribbean. The commercial strangely did not include the lyric “Of course I’ve had it in the ear before,” which is not a reference to needles or penises, but actually to the wonderful jazz stylings offered on Royal Caribbean’s “Swing Night Thursdays.”


18. AARP – "Everybody's Happy Nowadays" by The Buzzcocks

Taking a punk band’s lyrics at face value is always a smart move — when The Buzzcocks keep repeating “Everybody’s happy nowadays” (in between casual mentions of “Life’s an illusion, love is a dream”), they definitely mean that things really are perfect now, that AARP members are having a great time, and that their musical career is over because what’s even left to sing about? If they really wanted to move some AARP cards, I might’ve taken a second look at “Orgasm Addict.”


17. Windows 95 – "Start Me Up" by The Rolling Stones

Much of the controversy surrounding this much-publicized ad campaign centered around how much money Microsoft was paying for the rights to the Stones’ sports-arena classic, while no one seemed to care that it’s a song about giving a dude a boner, kind of like how your Windows computer gets an “On” boner whenever you press the start button. Even more controversial was Microsoft’s insistence that Mick Jagger re-record the line “You make a dead man come…with interface!”


16. Lincoln – "Space Oddity" by David Bowie

Cat Power covered David Bowie’s classic “Space Oddity” for this car commercial, which nicely syncs up starting a car with the lyrics about Major Tom grabbing his helmet and blasting off into space. Unfortunately, it cuts off before the part where Major Tom gets trapped in space, says goodbye to his wife, contemplates his own helplessness, and loses transmission. Basically, it’d be like Southwest Airlines airing an ad with footage of Amelia Earhart’s triumphant take-off.


15. Mitsubishi – "Uncontrollable Urge" by Devo

I couldn’t find video for this one, but Devo’s “Uncontrollable Urge” has been used in a number of commercials, including most recently for the 2005 Mitsubishi Galant’s “Accident Avoidance Test.” Obviously, the “Yeah Yeah Yeah!” part of the song is upbeat and nicely unspecific, but the rest of the song — “Got an urge, got a surge and it’s outta control / Got an urge I wanna purge ’cause I’m losing control” — is pretty clear. He cannot control his urge to avoid car accidents.


14. Subaru – "If I Should Fall From Grace With God" by The Pogues

Here’s the aforementioned Pogues ad — on second glance, I see nothing oddly disparate between kids hopping in a van to head to hockey practice and a song about a man pondering the dreary aftermath of his own death. GONNA HAVE TO DO IT SOMETIME, kids. Subaru.


13. Applebee's – "Happy Together" by The Turtles

The song itself isn’t inappropriate, but two members of The Turtles actually sued Applebee’s for changing their lyrics to “Imagine steak and shrimp, or shrimp and steak / Imagine both of these on just one plate” after consulting the record company but not them. Basically, if Advertising were a galaxy, unauthorizedly changing the lyrics of a wonderful 60s love song to be about microwaved surf n’ turf would be the matter-sucking black hole at its center.


12. Nissan – "How Soon Is Now" by The Smiths

Nissan: There’s a club if you’d like to go, you could meet somebody who really loves you, so you go and you stand on your own, and you leave on your own, and you go home and you cry and you want to die. Catchy.


11. H&R Block – "Taxman" by The Beatles

“Now my advice for those who die: declare the pennies on your eyes.” Just one example of the fine tax advice our trusted reps at H&R Block can offer. Not mentioned in the song: Free magnetic calendars!


10. Garnier Fructis – “Diamonds and Guns” by The Transplants

This punk song was a natural fit for Garnier, since it covers all the bases — Diamonds, Guns, Bombs, Heroin, Lavender-Scented Scalp Moisturizers, and Bitches. That one thing was implied (the diamonds thing).


9. Wishbone Salad Dressing – "Bump" by Spank Rock

Ahhh, bummer! The salad dressing commercial ended before they got to the line “P*ssy pounders have got my back, they all over the place.” See, the singer pounds p*ssy like Wishbone Salad Dressing pounds your family’s taste buds. Why isn’t that explanation on the bottle, in giant cursev?


8. Nike – "Revolution" by The Beatles

What’s more revolutionary than the world’s #1 shoe brand? NOTHING. Except for maybe Wal-Mart. Fortunately for Nike, this ironic usage of “Revolution” would get out-embarrassed a decade later.


7. Ortho Tri-Cyclen – "There She Goes" by The La’s

“Lust For Life” worked so well for that cruise line, might as well keep the heroin songs coming – this Sixpence None The Richer cover nicely fits the product, particularly the line “There she goes, pulsing through my vein,” like a birth control pill pulses through your veins very healthily. In fact, let’s stop beating around the bush and just straight-up use “Heroin” by The Velvet Underground for something (“When the smack begins to flow, DR. PEPPER.”)


6. Cesar Dog Food – "I Think I Need A New Heart" by The Magnetic Fields

I couldn’t find video evidence of this commercial either, as it’s seemingly been extinguished by someone who realized that dog food doesn’t actually have a lot to do with a human being declaring his innate inability to love, because humans don’t eat dog food, dogs do. So what sense does THAT make?


5. Wrangler "Fortunate Son" by CCR

“Fortunate Son” is already a classically misinterpreted song of “Every Breath You Take is a love ballad” proportions, as its classic-rock thump and references to flags and the constitution are usually enough to convince middle-aged white dudes to overlook its harrowing message about the cost of patriotism always falling on the poor. Actually, wait… the commercial is all scenes of well-off white people enjoying leisure activities in jeans. Maybe they knew exactly what the song was about. Carry on. (Click the pic below to watch):



4. Cadillac – “Sunny Side Of The Street” by The Pogues

Double Pogues! At least most of the ads on this list had the common sense to use the non-objectionable portions from their songs; this Cadillac commercial, in a blatant contrast, uses the actual lyric “So I saw that train and I got on it with a heartful of hate and a lust for vomit / Now I’m walking on the sunnyside of the street,” banking on Shane McGowan’s indecipherable accent to disguise the song’s crushing pessimism. They didn’t take three seconds to Google the lyrics so they could be like, “Wait, how about instead of doing that, we not?”


3. Levi’s – “Holiday In Cambodia” by The Dead Kennedys

In 1998, the Dead Kennedys band members sued lead singer Jello Biafra over his apparent refusal to allow this song to be in a Levi’s Dockers commercial, though I can’t imagine why — it’s just a nice, happy song about the Pol Pot regime mass-murdering their countrymen…in pants! Even if Levi’s had trouble getting the rights to this one, there’s plenty of other Dead Kennedys songs that just scream “pants commercial.”


2. NFL – "Everyday Is Like Sunday" by Morrissey

As if the unholy alliance of Morrissey and the frickin’ NFL isn’t pants-sh*tting enough, the NFL used the ONLY non-soul-crushing sentence in “Everyday Is Like Sunday” for its 2008 ad campaign. Literally the next line in the chorus is “…Everyday is silent and grey,” then it returns to verses about wishing for the apocalypse, presumably while receiving live score updates.


1. Pepsi – "Brown Sugar" by The Rolling Stones

Wait, real quick – before we air this commercial for a multibilliondollar enterprise in front of hundreds of millions of people, should we double check to make sure this animated fly isn’t singing a song about HAVING SEX WITH SLAVES? Nahh, it’s probably a song about how good literal brown sugar tastes. Kind of a departure for the Stones, really – considering how many of their songs are about having sex, it’s kinda odd they’d score a huge hit singing about baking elements. That band really is versatile – great work all around.

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A Very Caucasian Cover Of A Chris Brown/Busta Rhymes/Lil Wayne Song

Posted: 13 Apr 2011 12:46 PM PDT

Let’s all acknowledge right off the bat that this has been done before — the thing where white people very enthusiastically cover a song that is distinctively un-white white in its original conceit. It’s well worn territory. That being said… this is very well done. The girl sells it, the guy sells it, they keep the rhythm. You might not like what these two were trying to accomplish, but you can’t deny that they accomplished it.

Below is Karmin covering Look At Me Now by Chris Brown feat. Lil Wayne and Busta Rhymes.

See? It’s so much better than a grandmother doing that same thing in a preview for a terrible movie.

Thanks, The High Definite. You are a good blog.

Jake Gyllenhaal On Shalom Sesame

Posted: 13 Apr 2011 12:27 PM PDT

For those of you who are unfamiliar with Shalom Sesame (most of you), it was a version of Sesame Street produced in the 80′s and 90′s that was meant to introduce little PBS watching Jewish kids to Israel. Just like the real Sesame Street, it had Big Bird and Burt and Ernie, but Burt only spoke Hebrew, and instead of Big Bird being the main character, the lead was a huge pink porcupine named Kippy (see right). It was seriously weird. And then there would be celebrities like Itzhak Pearlman (KIDS LOVE ITZHAK PEARLMAN!!) and Ben from Growing Pains as guest stars. The show was all over the place in the Jewiest way possible.

In this previous post, there was a brief mention of Shalom Sesame with a link to its theme song. It was by searching for the theme song on YouTube that led us to the following video. Apparently Shalome Sesame IS BACK!!! They started making new episodes in October of 2010 and Jake Gyllenhaal is one of the new guest stars that makes so sense.

And guess what Jake Gyllenhaal did? He hid the afikoman.


And that’s EXACTLY what the show as like in the early 90′s. Super dry explanations of Jewy things by famous people who aren’t really famous to kids. According to Wikipedia, other guest stars for this new season of Shalom Sesame are Christina Applegate, Debra Messing, Greg Kinnear, Anneliese van der Pol, and Cedric the Entertainer. Keep it up, Shalom Sesame. You’re knocking it out of the park all over again.

What The Hell Am I Looking At

Posted: 14 Apr 2011 08:11 AM PDT

Who… thought this would be a good idea? Just. Do these people live in a titty-grabbing bubble where reality doesn’t exist?? Nick Cannon taking a doubly pregnant Mariah Carey from behind. Mariah looks like Elsie the Cow — not said as an insult, moreso that she just has a beautiful cow face with long, thick cow lashes. And Nick is going for the gold that lives deep within Mariah’s nippular chamber.

This is me right now looking at this pic. I can’t.

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