Saturday, October 16, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Mad Men Season Finale Open Thread

Posted: 15 Oct 2010 02:20 PM PDT

The Mad Men Season 4 Finale is this Sunday (Michelle will be recapping it, no worries), but as we sit here days away and in the midst of the greatest crisis Sterling-Cooper-Draper-Pryce has ever faced, as well as the personal crises of its namesakes, let’s open up the floor for Season 4 Finale Predictions.

Leave your Mad Men Finale predictions in the comments. Real ones, fake ones, things you think will happen or just want to happen, stupid made up things, quotes you’d like to hear, whatever. Let’s hear ‘em.

Michelle and my predictions are after the jump (Spoilery, if you’re not caught up):

I predict that the online rumblings of a possible Roger Sterling suicide or Sally Draper tragedy are likely overblown, though that’s based more on my sincere hope that the show doesn’t resort to a gimmicky “shocking death” finale than on any actual information. While Mad Men doesn’t shy away from the major twist (“Gentlemen, consider yourselves sacked” – DUN DUN DUNNN!!!!!), I have a hard time imagining that Matthew Weiner will come this far into the show’s run and suddenly whip out a car crash death or a Don brain tumor. Amnesia, maybe.

Although…. John Slattery has been appearing in car commercials lately, so maybe he’s starting to save up money for his post-Mad Men career because he dies soon? Though Jon Hamm is doing car commercials now too, so… they’ll probably just kill each other Sunday and next season will be all about Cosgrove.

Speaking of cliche-ey twists, the show did have Joan get pregnant earlier in the year, and there’s still the question of whether or not she actually had the abortion; Michelle thinks Joan still has the baby (adding “even though I know everyone’s saying that”), and I’d probably bet that way too, I’m just not sure how much sense that makes for the character if Joan remains so unsure about her own future.

Michelle adds: “If anything happens to Sally, they’re taking away the one character I still enjoy (I’m looking at you, Dead Mrs. Blankenship).” For the record, I think she was literally in a Planet Hollywood staring at Dead Mrs. Blankenship when she said that.

Michelle also adds:

- Don gets with Megan the secretary over Faye.

- Betty and Henry break up.

- Peggy stays with the Poet.

- “If something happens to Pryce I’ll be pissed.”

Also, one final thought from me — how come Don never thought of blackmailing Lee Garner Jr. about Lee’s advances on Sal? When Lee canceled the account, this was the first thing all of us Mad Men watchers assumed would happen, then it not only didn’t happen, but Don didn’t even seem to think of it.

I know it would’ve been ridiculously unethical, but it really didn’t even cross the mind of the dude using the psychologist he’s banging to get confidential information about potentially unhappy clients for his own business, then also banging his second secretary of the season while still with her? I don’t think so.

Other predictions? Have at it in the Comments.

Someone, Give This Orangutan an Emmy

Posted: 15 Oct 2010 12:49 PM PDT

Have you guys seen this commercial for Robitussin? No big deal, it just stars DARWIN’S MISSING LINK. This orangutan is a f**king genius on the real. First of all, it knows how to wrap a scarf around his little neck. To make matters great, he can also blow his nose. Even better? He can just barely, wait, no, he’s doing it, dial a phone. And he covers his mouth when he coughs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Update: I am in love. Watch:

Evolution, you ol’ minx. Just be careful, Rangy! We know what happened last time you did a lil’ too much ‘tussin:

Fore more orangutan related happiness, we beg of you to remember these classic posts:

How To Cry Forever, Courtesy of Orphaned Orangutans

E-MAIL THIS TO YOUR MOM: Orangutan Hospies

Jersey Shore Top Ten Catchphrase Countdown: Deciphering The Bomb

Posted: 15 Oct 2010 12:29 PM PDT

Finally, the end is nigh! On last night’s Jersey Shore, we learned that next week’s episode is going to be the last of the season. Frankly, we can’t wait until an elite team from the CDC storms down to the Metropole in full HAZMAT regalia and burns that “herpes nest” to the ground. This season has been a frustrating one for the Macaroni Rascals and us as viewers, and there’s nary a person alive who can’t wait for the gang to get back to their Sleazeside Heights love shack. That said, there were a handful of genuinely entertaining moments in last night’s penultimate episode of Jersey Shore 2, so let’s get on with counting them down, shall we?

10) “I’m exotic looking, right?”
You look Asian, I like it.” —Sammi Sweetheart and Ron Ron (38 mins)
Oh Captain Smush, you’re always saying “blue” to Sammi when you should be saying “green.” No, but really, has there ever been a more boring, more dysfunctional ongoing reality television relationship than Sammi and Ron Ron’s? We really hope that they break up next season, otherwise we might be forced to fast-forward through all of their scenes.


9) “Now you can lay back down, we’re about to do something … Don’t worry, we’ll get a workout in a second.” —The Situation
The Situation is so cheesy that he’s starting to curdle. What’s more problematic, though, is that he’s either: A) showing his true colors this season or B) transforming from a happy-go-lucky macaroni rascal into a roid raging cock blocker who can’t seal the deal before our very eyes. Between these episodes and his total lack of rhythm on DWTS, are the glory days of Mike Sorrentino in the rearview mirror?

8) “I’m thinkin’ that the alarm goes off, it turns off, everything’s fine. No. Four or five firemen come in, and I’m like, oh my god, like Prime-A meat of men.” —J-WOWW
She has a point. We were half-expecting these super-ripped firehunks to tear off their shirts and exclaim, “Hey J-Woww, now we need YOU to put out a fire … IN OUR PANTS.” Really, these guys looked more like strippers than the kinds of (brave and strong!) firefighters we have here in NYC.

7) Snooki and Ryder‘s Interlude
If you’re wondering why there wasn’t a recap last week, it’s because most of the episode consisted of the Princess of Poughkeepsie and her grenade of a friend grunting in a barely intelligible fashion. Now, let’s move on.

6) “You need pajamas? Can I be your pajamas? Wear me!” —Vinny
Good thing he’s got a schlong the size of a watermelon because Vinny is even cheesier than Sitch. That said, there was something sweetly endearing about him totally crushing on his beanpole babe.

5) “You get the girls in pajamas, they’re eventually gonna be comin’ off.” —The Situation
Sitch, my man, you’ve got a point. Sadly, you and Pauly D spent precious time spraying cologne on your balls that could’ve been used getting your ladies undressed, which resulted in another situation where a girl gave you the Heisman. Maybe next time you’ll use your time more wisely!

4) “Mike could not play wingman for me. I need somebody that knows how to take one for the team, or entertain a grenade, or even decipher the bomb if one comes, you know. It’s a war out there.” —Pauly D
Decipher, defuse, who freakin’ cares? Clearly, Pauly D doesn’t want to waste any of his time watching a downer of a movie like The Hurt Locker. Regardless, we remain impressed with Pauly’s ability to pull chicks, even though we feel sad every time he hops into bed with a girl that isn’t the cute, little Selena Gomez lookalike that he’s often seen with.

3) “He’s like my big brother, I love him. But you usually don’t have sex with your big brother.” —Snooki
Key word here being USUALLY. Still, this raises an interesting question: Did Schnickers and Vinny actually smush/smoosh/smash? Snooki herself seems to contradict herself in this regard from cut scene to cut scene, sometimes saying that they had sex, other times saying that his watermelon wouldn’t fit in her pin hole. Let’s get these two under oath.


2) “I never said anything about checkers, old man.” —Random Skank
BURRRRRRRN! The Random Skank — if she was given a name, I missed it — cut the Sitch (a natural butterface) to his core, resulting in the episode’s first of two ‘roid-induced moments of bedroom rage. Two snaps up!

1) “I got the beats in my head already.” —J-WOWW
One of the things that has been such a downer about the second season of Macaroni Rascals is that almost all of the joy of the first season has been sucked out of the Metropole. It’s clear that none of the castmembers feels comfortable in Miami, their job is bullshit, and that they’re all out of their element. However, for a few short minutes last night, when the gang was preparing to go to the massive club Space, it was like they were back in Sleazeside Heights and ready to beat up the beat all over again. J-WOWW, dressed like The Ultimate Stripper, best encapsulated the feeling of womblike security that house music provides to our fair guido/ettes with this quote above. It was a genuine moment, and there haven’t been many of those flying around this season.

Until next week,
—Juice Springsteen

$8,000,000 Iphone Still Gets Horrible Service

Posted: 15 Oct 2010 12:04 PM PDT

Are you both incredibly rich but also enjoy the luxury of not being able to complete a single phone conversation without dropping your call? Well have we got the perfect thing!

Meet the world’s most expensive Iphone. The cost? 8 MILLION DOLLARS:

So what does an $8,000,000 Iphone have other than no guarantee that you can actually talk to someone? Basically, they put a sh*tload of diamonds on a regular Iphone and – voila – what usually costs $400 now costs $8,000,000. Here’s the breakdown:

- The bezel is made from rose gold and around 500 flawless diamonds. This totals about 100 carats of diamonds. On your phone.
- The back of the phone is also rose gold, but the Apple logo has been studded with 53 diamonds.
- The navigation area is pllatinum, and the main push button is a single cut 7.4ct pink diamond. But for days when you’re feeling less spectacular, you can swap that out for an 8ct single cut flawless diamond, also included. (Phew.)

No word if the phone also comes with a rhinoceros horn with which to do your dialing.

The bad news is, there are only 2 of these in existence!! The good news is this is the man who can get you one:

This is Stuart Hughes, who made the world’s most expensive Iphone. Good thing that money can keep him knee deep in the white stuff. You know… like blazers… and models. What?

Introducing Sarah Palin’s New Reality Show “Consolation Prize”

Posted: 15 Oct 2010 10:29 AM PDT

TLC is quickly becoming the go-to station for all conservative and little people related reality show programs. Recently, they debuted Sister Wives, a show which follows around a super awesome/saddest polygamist family that makes you realize that hey, maybe polygamy ain’t that bad. If you don’t watch Sister Wives, you’re making a huge mistake. Unless you have a rational fear of soul patches, in which case, carry on.

But things are ’bout to get WAY more conservative as TLC has given former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin her own reality soapbox!

“I’d rather be doin’ this than in some stuffy old political office!” Sarah cheerfully reassures us while tightening the noose… we meant moose… leash. (Moose wear leashes, correct?) This is Sarah Palin’s Alaska! I mean, seriously, if she would have won that election, she would never have time to show us her beautiful state on one of America’s top 40 basic cable networks! In fact, it’s a good thing she didn’t win. I think this show will make a much bigger impact than any silly “oval office” business. Do they have geese in the oval office? No, no they don’t.

Did Alaska actually sign a release agreeing to appear on this show? I just wish the entire state could stage a walk out. On the bright side, bear attacks? Hopefully.

I kind of wish Joe Biden would get his own reality show. It would just be hours of footage of him smoking reefer. I, of course, am referring to the great reggae artist Joe Biden, and not America’s Vice President, who is way way way too busy for his own reality show.

Paulie Walnuts Stops By The NYSE

Posted: 15 Oct 2010 10:33 AM PDT

Sopranos co-star Tony Sirico at the New York Stock Exchange this morning:

That’s random. Not to crap on my favorite Sopranos side-character, but I guess this means that appearing at the NYSE is actually lower on the celebrity totem pole than doing Denny’s commercials? Geez. It’s still more legitimate than starring in Chicago on Broadway.

The Stars Of Mad Men: Before They Landed Roles On TV’s Hottest Show

Posted: 15 Oct 2010 10:38 AM PDT

Despite withdrawal shakes looming for Monday morning, we’re counting the minutes to the season 4 finale of Mad Men. For the last 12 weeks, we’ve looked forward to 10PM EST every Sunday, when we unabashedly gaze at the beauty and talent that is Jon Hamm, January Jones, Christina Hendricks and Elisabeth Moss. The critically-acclaimed and audience-adored show has launched these four actors, among others, from unrecognizable to A-List.

Where were they before the mod offices of Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce? Click here and check out our before and after gallery to find out.

Wake Up Mario Lopez’s Baby! Your Daddy Is Fine!

Posted: 15 Oct 2010 09:52 AM PDT

Dear Mario Lopez’s Baby,

Look. I know you’re like 47 minutes old and your brain is actually wheat germ and you have no idea where you are or where you came from or what this big ol’ blue marble in the sky is actually about.

But you know what? THAT IS NO EXCUSE, MARIO LOPEZ’S BABY! Wake up and look at how fine your daddy is please!!

I’m sure all of his wifebeaters were covered in baby vom (aw). Also that baby should probably still be in an incubator, right? It’s like negative 11 months old.

The good news is, you can catch these abs and more on Mario’s new VH1 reality show Saved By The Baby, which starts airing Monday, November 1 at 10:30 PM ET.

Terminator Really Sounds Like The Dumbest Movie Ever

Posted: 15 Oct 2010 09:11 AM PDT

Imagine you had never seen The Terminator or known of its awesomeness, and just randomly stumbled across a movie that had this as its TV Viewing Guide description:

Dumbest-sounding movie ever, right? “Killer Cyborg” is the most B-movie phrase imaginable (unless it was some sort of mantis), and his object is to “alter history,” like a weird Robo Bill S. Preston?

It’d be even funnier if you didn’t know the movie was made in 1984 and thought the killer cyborg picked a very specific year so he could groove to a kickin’ 80s throwback-soundtrack. Basically, it’d still be an awesome movie, just different.
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