Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

Lady G-g-g-gaga Haunted By A G-g-g-host Named…Ryan.

Posted: 03 Nov 2010 09:04 AM PDT

A little side note, before I jump into this item. If you’ll just enter “Walker’s Wheelhouse” for a moment, as Michelle calls it. I’ve mentioned John Richards at KEXP and what an amazing DJ he is before, but this morning he is REALLY killing it. He’s played Dead Kennedys, The Hold Steady, Fugazi, The Clash, The Modern Lovers, Public Enemy, Gang of Four, Sex Pistols, T Rex. I can’t type fast enough to tell you all the KICK ASS music he’s been playing. I feel like rising up and RAGING AGAINST THE MACHINE. It’s been a good antidote if you have certain political leanings and certain frustrations you just want to fist pump your way out of. You should be listening! Now! Actually, you can download the entire show. Do that. Today’s show might not be available til tomorrow, but it’s SO GOOD.

And now for some Lady Gaga news.

She’s being haunted by a ghost by Ryan. LAME ghost name. Ghosts should be named Jebediah or Cyrus.

Reports Holy Moly!:

‘She's been telling us all for months that she has a male spirit called Ryan who travels the world with her. She's pretty terrified by this spirit, but more than anything he's annoying her as he won't leave her alone.’
Terrified and annoyed. Tell us more:
‘He's hasn't been doing anything too violent or scary but she's freaked out by his presence. She's a very spiritual person and in tune with the spiritual world but this is a step too far, even for her.’

Dude, ghost. I’m usually pretty chill about hauntings, but you’re really taking it a step too far. Not cool, Ryan. NOT COOL.

Sure.

Graph Of When People Break Up On Facebook

Posted: 03 Nov 2010 07:57 AM PDT

David McCandless recently gave a presentation about data visualization in which he unveiled this graph, which tracked 10,000 Facebook status updates to determine precisely when people in relationships broke up.

The results look like this:

Note the huge surges around Spring Break, the beginning of Summer, and two weeks before Christmas, as well as the sharp decline on Christmas Day itself. The majority of the breakups are announced on Mondays (Garfield was right – lasagna is awesome. Non sequitor.) The graph also doesn’t show what happens when someone in a relationship makes a detailed graph about ending relationships, but I’m guessing that’s been an instant breakup one out of one times.

All in all, though, pretty interesting graph. If giving up my Facebook privacy results in more cool graphical representations of peoples’ willingness to break up with one another, I can deal with that. Maybe the next one should track which social security numbers belong to the richest people?

(via Buzzfeed)

Chuck Norris Is Big In The Czech Republic

Posted: 03 Nov 2010 07:43 AM PDT

“Halloo, Chuck Norris? Thees eez ze T Mobile from ze Czech Republic. Vill you be in our new adz?”
“-”
“Vait, do not say one word, Chuck Norris. Because you vill not have to say a thing in zees new adz.”
“-”
“Ve vill pay you two million American dollarz.”
“-”
“Excellent. See you in ze Czech Republic.”

I think “Chuck Norris” in Czech means “phone.” And the Czechs are currently in the midst of the Denim and Plaid Revolution, so you see how this all worked out.

Do you think the Czechs have an ironic fascination with Chuck Norris or is Chuck Norris to the Czech Republic as David Hasselhoff is to Germany? Oh, cultures!

You can see more of his Czech commercial spots over at the excellent Daily What

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Make A Case For Putting Sugar In Your Vagina

Posted: 02 Nov 2010 02:45 PM PDT

Ladies, are you interested in unleashing your inner yeast? Well it’s actually easier than you may think. On last night’s The Real Housewives of Atlanta, Phaedra and Kandi (named so because she puts sugar in her vagina) openly discuss a practice we will now assume is quite common in the south: Sticking your finger in sugar (powdered, brown, granulated, doesn’t matter), and then putting your finger you know where (your vagina) to make your undercarriage extra sweet.

And yeasty. Did we mention yeasty? Yeah, you’re basically turning your reproductive organs into Starbucks Majorca Sweet Bread. But whu’evah, if your man has a penchant for blow pops (we said pops), this might be the thing for you. Why stop at sugar? Just ice the damn thing up like a Food Network Challenge and call it a day.

In other news: WATCH THIS CLIP IMMEDIATELY. Nene Leakes, never change.

Is this common practice? Something that people do? Please for serious let us know. I personally think when you’ve got foie gras, there’s no need to dress it up. I mean, I might put a lozenge up there, but only before a big recital or something.

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BOARDWALK EMPIRE RECAP: Home Is Where The Giant A-Hole Dad Is

Posted: 02 Nov 2010 02:30 PM PDT

This is a Recap of Boardwalk Empire Season 1 Episode 7, “Home”, originally airing October 31st, 2010. Beware of its spooooky gangsters and scaaaarily superfluous lesbian nude scenes.

This week opens with Nucky’s crotchety old dad from the 1400s slipping on some squalor and lying on the ground unable to move or ruin the ground’s childhood. Eli eventually arrives with a doctor, but Nucky shows up later as the first move in his nonstop quest to re-affirm to his dad how much they hate one another.

Nucky wants to move his dad into an Ether Home, or something, but Eli’s happy to have the dad stay with him because “the kids love him” – back before tv, watching old angry dudes fall comprised 80% of entertainment. Nucky decides to give the house to Ward Boss Fleming so he can fix it up, purely out of random generosity and not because Nucky wants to bury any horrific baseball mitt-related memories from the place. Nucky tells Fleming “It’s yours, no baseball mitts attached. STRINGS! Horrible, horrible memory strings. PAINT OVER THEM!”

Eli also mentions to Nucky that it might kind of be somewhere in the same zip code as awkward if Margaret ever found out that Nucky ordered her husband to be killed and is now sleeping with her, but Nucky’s like “Don’t worry, that will never, ever, ever come up in this series. No skir-ee-ip-seriee Bob.” It doesn’t sound suspicious, because they literally all said that then.

After the jump, why the hell not, some lesbians:

Lesbian love scene. Why not? Boardwalk Empire already has the “consecutive episodes with boobs” record, now they’re just padding it like some naked Cal Ripken Jr. Naked Angela is worried that if Nucky finds out about her affairs, he’d stop paying her, and then they’d have to try harder to come up with a tortured reason to shoehorn a lesbian scene into this series. If that sounded like complaining, it wasn’t.

Back in The City Where It Winds Aplenty (original Chicago nickname), Jimmy meets a new friend:

Richard Harrow, a sniper who lost half his face in the war and talks like John Nash with the deep voice of Rorschach, has a conversation with fellow war vet Jimmy and they quickly become friends. Unfortunately, a rival gangster then bursts in, grabs Richard, and restores half of his face to send Jimmy a message. Richard then shoots himself in the head (from a really far away window). Psychenaw!

Jimmy takes Richard to the brothel, gives him some liquor shots through a straw after he’s unable to drink them out of the original Donald Duck sippy cup, and introduces him to a super-welcoming prostitute who’s totally into the Phantom thing. Richard’s like, “To show my gratitude, is there anyone I can snipe for you in return?” Jimmy’s like, “Nah, I can’t really think of anyone I’d like to shoot in the head from a great dist–Waaaaaaait a minuuuuuuutteee, actually yes!”

Jimmy later meets face-to-face with Liam, the goon who stabbed his girlfriend’s face — a scene which HBO showed for a THIRD STRAIGHT WEEK in the “Previously” segment, because they’re clearly just trying to make us puke at this point, we definitely didn’t forget the plot detail where Jimmy’s girlfriend GOT STABBED IN THE FACE — and Jimmy tells Liam a story about a German soldier who got shot then stuck in barbed wire for days but still refused to die. If you had Jimmy in your Boardwalk Empire “Fake Dramatic Story Monologue” office pool this week, that $76 is yours.

Jimmy then tells Liam he doesn’t want to see him again, walks away, and just as Liam is exhaling, he gets shot through the brain by Richard from across the street. It would’ve been a super badass move by Jimmy, except when he left the table, he accidentally went right into the walk-in cooler.

Elsewhere, we met another super-famous gangster this week, as a teeny businessman approached Chalky White (great grandfather of Omar), and introduced himself as “Michael Lewis,” author of The Blind Side. He proposes that Chalky sell the whiskey to him directly so he can adapt his sports story into a harmless film that somehow gets a Best Picture nomination, but Chalky’s like “Nucky would get real pissed if that happened, sorry tiny man who isn’t going to grow up to be a famous gangster.”

That gangster’s name? Tony Montana. Actually, he’s Meyer Lansky, the guy from that Richard Dreyfuss HBO movie no one saw. Tear up the checklist! Boardwalk Empire has now officially incorporated every famous gangster ever. That kid who assaulted the fat guy last week was John Dillinger.

The episode wraps up with Lucy going to see Jekyll and Hyde by herself:

If Michael Patrick King wrote this episode, right after the scene where Lucy’s watching the movie, Steve Buscemi would’ve had a voiceover saying “Here I was, trying to act like a Dr. Jekyll on the outside, while the whole time, my childhood was secretly a Mr. Hyde.” Then Samantha would’ve blown Lucky.

Nucky finally confesses his “baseball mitt” story to Margaret, telling her that his mitt was stolen by four older boys and his dad forced him to fight the older boys, and he got beaten up and spent eleven days in the hospital. Margaret agrees that even for a really implausibly exaggerated a-hole of a “tough dad” character, that story is absolutely ridiculous. Nucky’s like, “I know, no dad has ever done that ever, in fiction or otherwise. Now you see why I’m so broken up about it?”

Nucky spontaneously decides to set his newly-restored childhood home on fire, and the last shot of the episode is Margaret’s kid watching the fire in amazement, because it’s way more exciting than that wooden hoop that you roll with a stick, which is the only game that existed back then:

Boardwalk Empire Episode 7 thoughts? Favorite / least favorite parts? Predictions? Stories of dads forcing their kids to get mauled? Leave ‘em in the comments.

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Lady Gaga Now Available For Weddings

Posted: 02 Nov 2010 12:56 PM PDT

Gaga, but not the newlyweds in question

A nice young couple from New Zealand were quietly celebrating in a London pub after getting hitched when, from a puff of smoke, Lady Gaga appeared and sang them a song. Reports Heatworld:

Lady Gaga then asked the backpacking Kiwi couple if they were celebrating, “I said, ‘Yes, we got married,’” continued Julie, “She said, ‘That calls for a song’. She asked if anyone could play the guitar. A French friend called Sam – one of the guys from the hostel – rushed back to get his. After he came back he spoke with her and her people and they played Gimme Shelter by the Rolling Stones for us in the back room.”

Cute! But only for Gaga/Rolling Stones/Surprise Celebrity Serenading Fans. Otherwise it’s like, “Gaga! No! No, Gaga! Gaga! Gaga, please, stop. Stop singing, Gaga. You’re ruining our special moment, Gaga!” But that wouldn’t happen. Everybody Loves Gaga. If I had the requisite skills or motivation, I would totally photoshop Lady Gaga over an Everybody Loves Raymond photo right now.

Best part of this article is the British writing, specifically, the first sentence: “Mad as a box of badgers, she may be, but Lady Gaga has a heart of gold.” LOL’s! Badgers! A box of them! Excellent.

Also, apparently this isn’t the first time Gaga has gotten in on newlywed action.

Records That Don’t Need Breaking: Man Stays Awake For 40 Days

Posted: 02 Nov 2010 10:51 AM PDT

Stupid.

This is stupid. Tyler Shields, a photographer, who loves to shoot starlets brandishing guns or covered in blood or in some sort of violent situation, allegedly stayed awake for 40 days. Because that needed to happen.

Reports AOL News:

Though Guinness World Records officials say they won’t recognize his stunt because it’s so difficult to prove and so dangerous to try, Shields believes he more than doubled existing sleep-related records.

“It’s important for people to do things and believe in things that may seem impossible,” said the sleepless photographer, who often snaps photos of stars like Lindsay Lohan. “Just because someone tells you something is impossible, doesn’t mean it’s impossible.”

Shields says he surrounded himself with a team of monitors who watched over him 24 hours per day throughout the stunt — and he kept working, scheduling shoots and snapping photos on his final night.

“I wanted to challenge myself,” he told AOL News. “A lot of people said it was impossible. A lot of people said I would never make it 40 days. Well, I did.”

Listen, Shields. This isn’t a flying/sailing-around-the-world-solo situation or seeing how far you can free dive. What’s the point? To go even more insane? To push your mind to, like, the outer limits?

I mean, I appreciate your general point of perseverance and believing in yourself but I feel like the sentiment doesn’t quite perfectly match up with the act, which, I actually thought was physically impossible. So I guess that’s sort of cool? But there are so many other feats of physical impossibility that I’d prefer to see before this one. Like, I don’t know, ask David Blaine for ideas.

Was this intended as performance art? Because if you’re going after a Guinness record, it sounds like just a David Blaine-ian stunt. This is no Maria Abramovic performance piece that requires actual concentration, as opposed to Red Bull and coffee, and forges human connection, makes people cry, etc. etc. pretentious, pretentious. It just seems pointless. Nihilistic. Buy a pet marmot and call it a day. I guess what I’m saying is, again, “What is the goddamn point??” Because it’s “awesome”? Sure.

One last thing. Is he trying to compare himself to Jesus? It kind of seems so. 40 is not an arbitrary number to deprive yourself of something. Stupid.

Dana Carvey Threatens To Overtake Robin Williams As Most Annoying Talk Show Guest Ever

Posted: 02 Nov 2010 10:23 AM PDT

Do you ever get overwhelmed by your DVR? Like, you’re sitting there on your couch, you open up your list of unwatched shows and there are like four unwatched episodes of Cougar Town sitting there, mocking you? That happened to me on Sunday, but instead of letting it get me down, I barreled through the clutter of my DVR like C. Thomas Howell in Tank. I watched Real Housewives, I caught up on The Office and I even cleared out a few episodes of Late Night With Jimmy Fallon.

Anyway, now that you have some context about why I’m talking about something that happened last Thursday night today, I thought I’d bring up Dana Carvey‘s recent appearance on LNWJF. I couldn’t tell you what he was promoting, exactly, but the very second he caught sight of the cameras, he managed to morph himself into a whirling dervish of such annoying proportions that even Robin Williams would’ve been like, “Dude, you need to chill.” It’s clearly been ages since Carvey has had a camera trained on him for this amount of time, and sadly, he let it get to him: Not content with having two entire segments all to himself (!), he also interrupted the poor Ghost Hunters (whoever they are!) on multiple occasions, hogging the spotlight like it was his JOB. It’s not that we don’t have a soft spot for Hans and Franz, “Choppin’ Broccoli,” or the Church Lady, but Carvs, we beg of you, dial it down a notch or two next time!

Thank God: Cheeky The Stolen Marmoset Returned Unharmed

Posted: 02 Nov 2010 10:04 AM PDT

File this under W for “WHEW!” (you’re filing my blog posts, right? Good.):

Meet ‘Cheeky’, a cross-eyed marmoset who has been found safe and well after being stolen from an Aussie wildlife park. Cheeky, aged two, was taken from Nowra Wildlife Park in New South Wales after a thief bent open the bars to her enclosure. She was found a few days later in nearby Wollongong after an anonymous tip off to police.

A thief “bent open the bars to the enclosure” and stole a monkey? Was this an episode of Underdog? Or a crime from Carmen Sandiego? If the thief was eating gumbo, it was probably Russ T. Hinge.

Still, I’m glad that Cheeky the marmoset who was stolen by a thief that bent open the bars to her monkey enclosure and that was a real thing that happened has been returned to that monkey enclosure safely (I assume the bars have since been bent back into place). I just wish it had happened yesterday, because I voted for “Save Cheeky” as a write-in candidate on every election today. At least it worked.
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