Saturday, November 6, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

“Glee” Finally Gives Us The Gay A Cappella Katy Perry Song We’ve Been Waiting For

Posted: 05 Nov 2010 02:35 PM PDT

Thanks to the NewNowNext blog for pointing our attention in the direction of this preview for next week’s brand new episode of Glee. The episode is titled “Never Been Kissed,” just like that Drew Barrymore movie that was clearly terrible but also a favorite that I’ve seen 800 times.

We’ve out our obsession with Michael Vartan on hold just long enough to watch this very satisfying preview of the episode. It looks like Kurt (Chris Colfer) finds himself in an all boys private school academy. And, assuming this is real life and not a gay dream from heaven, Kurt forgets his jacket. But who needs a navy blue blazer when one can just swaddle themselves in the delightful harmonies of the school’s A cappella group, which breaks into a version of Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream” that is legit good. (Given my hatred for most A cappella, this last sentence was not easy for me to type.)

But who cares about all that? KURT HAS A BOYFRIENDDDD. Or will, probably, soon, by the end of the episode, which if it’s anything like the movie, will involve Kurt waiting for this hot piece of A on a baseball field watching the seconds click down on the “Kiss Clock,” only to lose all hope until his man runs up onto the field and gives him his first kiss, while David Arquette cheers wildly from the bullpen? PLEASE SAY THIS HAPPENS, RYAN MURPHY.

Kurts boyfriend is sooooo cuuuuute. Meanwhile, is his Dad still in the hospital? We’re just gonna forget about him I guess? OK.

**If you have no idea what the aitch I’m talking about, click ahead for the *spoiler alert* end of Never Been Kissed the movie.

BREAKING NEWS: The Olsen Twins Were Horrible Actresses

Posted: 05 Nov 2010 01:58 PM PDT

The Olsen Twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley, are billionaires. In an effort to understand this, I went on Youtube to see clips of these two in the role that amassed them part of their wealth, as Michelle Elizabeth Tanner on Full House.

What I found. Was shocking.

Was everyone aware that these two were horrible actresses? Well become aware. Perhaps with their lines sprinkled throughout the many seasons of Full House, it wasn’t as apparent. But as the below video stringing together their “cutest quotes” makes obvious, they are HORRENDOUS. Were there no adults there to order these animatrons to punch up their line reads?

You got it dude? No, dude. I ain’t got it and I don’t get it. How the hell are these girls so rich? If I had a nickel for every Balenciaga ankle hoof boot those two own, I’d literally have thousands of nickels.

Try to get through all two minutes of this video, we dare you. Amazing that Coulier never went insane and flung one of these two out the window of Uncle Jesse’s sweet attic apartment.

Just want to put half of the blame on the writers. Because you, sirs and ladies, are also terrible.

Turn Your Normal Everyday Phone Into A Professional Creepy Phone

Posted: 05 Nov 2010 01:14 PM PDT

You are about to be very uncomfortable with how creepy this is. And then in your head you’re going to start counting up all your friends who you know are going to buy this. This is a commercial for a product called the Liar Card.

Yikes. You should never need to disguise your voice as a robot of the opposite sex. Get off the phone. And I think I speak for all habitual call duckers when I say please just let us duck your call. It’s going to be so awkward when you call from a different number and we finally pick up. You’re going to feel weird too. We already know we’re assh*les; you’re not going to prove anything to us.

(Discovered over at Videogum, one of the nicest places to visit on the internet.)

Kathy Griffin Waxes Entire Body In Preparation For VH1 Divas: Salute The Troops

Posted: 05 Nov 2010 01:13 PM PDT

Comedian Kathy Griffin has been geniusly chosen to host VH1 Divas: Salute The Troops, a fun-filled evening of music and comedy in support of America’s troops around the world, featuring artists such as Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, Paramore, and Keri Hilson, and many others.

Kathy as host means the night is guaranteed to be hilarious. She just tweeted the following: “At a @vh1 shoot. I’m hosting Divas Live for the troops this year. Don’t ask, but do tell,” linking to the above photo. The things this woman does for the troops! Like rid herself of every hair on her body. And work out what looks like for 15 hours a day. Kathy, what is your secret? This is some Benjamin Button sh*t happenin’ right thurr.

Be sure to catch 2010 VH1 Divas on December 5 at 9/8c only on VH1!

Finally, A Celebrity Couple Name We Can Get Behind

Posted: 05 Nov 2010 12:17 PM PDT

It is thanks to commenter Todd Bridges of Madison County over at Gawker who came up with the idea of combining Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Swift into Jake Taylor, the rugged star of the Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League.

Jake Taylor, celebrity couple, should be honored to be named after Jake Taylor, Tom Berenger’s finest movie role ever. I can’t tell you how often I find myself saying “Well then I guess there’s only one thing left to do. Win the whole f*cking thing” out loud while playing Wii Just Dance 2 by myself. All. The. Time.

Hulk Hogan Raps, Shows D*ck, Offers No Explanation

Posted: 05 Nov 2010 11:57 AM PDT

Here’s Hulk Hogan doing some really excellent rapping then showing his penis to the camera while Brooke Hogan sticks her ass out, as a promo for fifteen new shows on VH1.

Oh, it’s for the video game Def Jam Rapstar? You mean, the video game that VH1 is filming then turning into fifteen new shows? No? Ehhh, we’ll see about that…

(via The Superficial)

F*cking Again?!?!

Posted: 05 Nov 2010 12:15 PM PDT

(World’s oldest person dies via Huffpo)

New A&E Hasselhoff Reality Show May Require Recaps

Posted: 05 Nov 2010 11:38 AM PDT

Didn’t A&E used to be an informational network that bordered on the pretentious? Am I wrong about this? I’m pretty sure it used to be a hipster History Channel for parents. Lately, though, it seems like they’ve really TLC-ed out.

A little over a month ago they premiered a reality show about Tony Danza called Teach: Tony Danza (for which BWE now does recaps).  Let me tell you. It is an awful show. And now… the Hasselhoff reality show. Let’s take a look at it.

The Hasselhoffs. There’s no way to tell what the show is going to be from that preview, but I would place every penny in my Bank of America Keep The Change savings account that it is going to be the STUPIDEST SH*T ON TELEVISION. The question is… should it get recapped? Should somebody keep a record of this show on the internet for the future aliens (and or apes) to read? Will this show be bad enough to warrant making somebody watch it every week for semi-journalistic purposes? You don’t necessarily have to answer in the comments. This might be more of a mental exercise for each of you to do individually.

Raise Your Hand If You’re An Adorable Panda Baby

Posted: 05 Nov 2010 11:04 AM PDT

These baby pandas are heart-stopping. Only we don’t know if it’s because it’s so adorable but also a little scary.

Here is Queen Sofia of Spain visiting newborn baby pandas bears at the Madrid Zoo Acquarium. And will you look at that little black and white nugget? He is SMILING. With his little panda chin hairs! That, or he’s struggling to breathe as the monarchical hands of death creep up his neck to take his newborn baby panda life. Either way, I want to roast these little suckers over the open flame of my beating heart.

It’s good to be Queen. Now, Keep Calm and Cary Elwes.

Henry Rollins And Hipsters Don’t Mix

Posted: 05 Nov 2010 09:33 AM PDT

We’re officially at the point where there’s more stuff online making fun of hipsters than there are actual hipsters. But that’s a separate point.

I clicked on this video, entitled “Henry Rollins vs Hipsters”, expecting to see some huge Rollins rant against a bunch of annoying people, but in reality, it’s a clip from a German tv show in which Rollins and Iranian visual artist Shirin Neshat are looking at records at Cake Shop in New York, a girl yells out “Get in the Van, man!” (a reference to Rollins’ book of Black Flag tour stories), and Rollins goes over and pokes fun at them for their elitism and works in his trademark self-deprecation. It turns into a pretty congenial, jokey conversation, and the people at the place clearly like Henry Rollins, so I’m not really sure how the clip turned into “ROLLINS TOTALLY SLAMS A-HOLE HIPSTERS!” when the girls — who may indeed be a-hole hipsters — don’t do anything remotely confrontational in this video. Also, I repeat – everyone likes Henry Rollins. Let’s dial it down a notch, hipster-hating internet, it’s just an amusing clip:

(via Stereogum)
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