Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Best Week Ever

Best Week Ever

OPEN THREAD: What Did People Think Of The Boardwalk Empire Premiere?

Posted: 21 Sep 2010 08:32 AM PDT

I’ve grown so accustomed to the automatic likability of high-profile HBO shows that long-awaited premieres like Sunday night’s first episode of Boardwalk Empire seem almost routine. Perhaps this is the ultimate compliment to HBO; network tv shows often have to prove themselves with an entire season’s worth of friends telling me “you know this show’s actually pretty good” before I’ll commit to following a full season, but HBO shows bring with them an assumption that they’ll be great, and any deviation from this greatness is shocking (I’d make a joke about the movie Cars here, but I’ve sufficiently run that reference into the ground.)

I found the Boardwalk Empire premiere to be extremely entertaining, and gave it the coveted “Season Pass After One Episode,” but I was in no way surprised by this, as it combined three of my “I know I’ll like this” elements: Martin Scorsese, high-budget HBO shows, and constant olde timey slang. Despite my instant liking of this show, though, I can’t get over being amazed at how high HBO has raised the bar for television; if Boardwalk Empire came out 15 years ago — a film-quality weekly tv drama with absolute A-List producers, writers, directors, and actors — it would’ve been culturally earth-shattering. Now, it’s just what we expect HBO to do. I DVRed the premiere, watched it the next day when I had some free time, said to myself “wow this is great,” and none of this in any way seemed out of the ordinary.

So what did people think of the Boardwalk Empire premiere? Liked the direction it was heading? Season Pass worthy or not quite? How obvious was it that Jimmy would’ve been played by Leo DiCaprio ten years ago (or now, if they could’ve gotten him)? Anyone else briefly confuse Jimmy and the immigrant husband and get shocked when he was hitting his wife? Anyone laugh when the dude said “Al Capone”? (His daughter’s wedding is also the day of the KENNEDY ASSASSINATION – Dun dun DUNNNN!!!) Worth a weekly Recap?

Get back on the trolley and toss those Boardwalk Empire reactions in the comments.

Emeril Inspired Faith Healer Heals The Sh*t Out Of A Lady

Posted: 21 Sep 2010 08:27 AM PDT

I’ve never been one to believe in faith healing, but every once in a while a video so convincing comes on to the internet that it’s nearly impossible to deny it.  “And thy shalt utter bams unto them as Emeril‘s Essence upon a lamb that the weak shall be healed, the sick restored.” – this guy’s cook book

“And thy parties shall commence in the states united in the land of the Americas.”

I wish Jesus would make it so I could drink coffee without getting all rumbley in my tummy.

Good morning, Daily What.

The Tea Party Explained, Finally!

Posted: 21 Sep 2010 08:46 AM PDT

Leave it to a news organization in Taiwan to define the Tea Party platform for regular Americans. If you thought that Christine O’Donnell comes down hard on masturbation, wait until you see her tough stance on having sex with chickens. This animation also makes it clear that the Tea Party plays on a cruel sexual paradox: It preaches abstinence via vixens and MILFs. Just ask Karl Rove. It drives him insane with lust!

And a word of advice for Obama: Run while you still can. The Tea Party Express is racing full steam ahead. It will smoosh you. Not the Jersey Shore kind of “smoosh.” That would be a sin worthy of an eternity in hell. We’re talking “smoosh” like a bug.

Thanks to BWE video editor Pete Schultz, who is fluent in Taiwanese and most other languages, for translating this video.

MAD MEN RECAP: 99 Problems But a Bitch Ain’t One

Posted: 20 Sep 2010 06:07 PM PDT

This is a recap for the ninth episode of Season 4 of Mad Men starring Jon Hamm, Christina Hendricks, John Slattery, January Jones, and a slew of other talented actors, on an episode called “The Beautiful Girls.” There was no recap last week as I had just moved to Los Angeles and was busy putting my “life” “together.” So, without further ado and with thanks for your patience, here is your For Your Consideration Recap:

THE ONLY REASON TO LEAVE AN ORANGE SODA AND TURKEY WRAP BEHIND….

…Is getting a little Dick Whitman. And while the tasteful people behind Mad Men refrained from showing us the sweaty, wild animal sex Don and Dr. Faye Miller were having, they did give us this fabulous little moment that was begging to be GIFted:





DON’S CHEST HAIR LOOKS AWFULLY FAMILIAR…





BECAUSE IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE E.T.

Only, in this scenario, E.T. phone ho.




WHISKEY DOES A BODY GOOD

Almost all alcoholics in TV and film have great bodies. Draper’s never looked better. Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) in There Will Be Blood was stringy and ripped as hell. Paul Giamatti in Sideways anyone? More like everyone.



MOST REBUFFED ADVANCE

The chemistry between Roger and Joan is undeniable, but perhaps his timing could have been slightly better, given that Joan’s rapey husb has just left for Vietnam. On the bright side, Roger’s secretary is still throwing herself at him on the daily.



HUHHHH WHADDYA THINK?





SHE’S NO BLANKENSHIP, BUT SHE’LL DO

And speak of the devil…




BIGGEST AVATAR 3-D FAN

Ever wonder what kind of people steal those IMAX 3-D glasses? Blankenship kind of people, that’s who. Thankful for us, she looks stunning in them.



“IT’S A BUSINESS OF SADISTS AND MASOCHISTS, AND YOU KNOW WHICH ONE YOU ARE.”





LESBIAN RATINGS FAIL

Usually, a woman licking another woman’s cheek would be a basic cable ratings boon. Unless one of those women looks like an actual, real life lesbian named Joyce, in which case it’s jizzness as usual.



MOST SIMPSONIZED REAL LIFE PERSON



Abe Drexler, revolutionary, who pops up at the bar during Peggy and Joyce’s lady date.



THEIR IMPROMPTU DATE IS GOING REALLY WELL!

Abe really loves talking about politics!




UNTIL IT WASN’T

Abe really loves talking about politics. Wet uhhh-ragggg-uh.




FILLMORE AUTO PARTS IS RACIST BLAH BLAH BLAH WOMEN’S PROBLEMS BLAH BLAH BLAH

This guy was two sound effects from getting Charlie Brown Teacherized. The guy who owns Fillmore Auto Parts isn’t racist!



MEET THE GUY WHO OWNS FILLMORE AUTO PARTS

OK, maybe he’s just a little racist.




SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY JOAN-EANE GAROFALO





ONE OF THESE WOMEN HAVE DEFINITELY J’D ROGER OFF

Hint: It’s the woman on the left.




WE JUST WANNA TAKE A SECOND TO EXPRESS TO MATTHEW WEINER AND COMPANY HOW HAPPY WE ARE TO SEE MISS BLANKENSHIP’S SHINING FACE WEEK IN, WEEK OUT, ON OUR FLAT SCREENS, EVEN THOUGH SHE HAS A SKEWED VIEW OF HOW MUCH CHILDREN SHOULD WEIGH

She is our singular television delight.




MARGOT TENENBAUMIEST

Sally Draper (played by Kiernan Shipka) has transformed over the past season into a beautiful young lady, reminiscent of one of our favorite fictional characters ever, Margot Tenenbaum. And already, at this tender young age, she’s rebelling: Running away from home, getting on the train, and looking for the ultimate escape by staying with her father full time. Our heart aches for her. That being said, we give it two more seasons before she is secretly chain smoking and sleeping with Glenn.



“HEY, YOUR DAUGHTER RAN AWAY FROM HOME AND CAME TO NEW YORK CITY.”





INSERT SOUND OF BLOOD BEING DRAWN FROM A STONE

If all January Jones’ are bad actresses, and some Wasps are January Jones’, then some bad actresses get really lucky breaks by being on one of the best hour long dramas ever. Yes, before you ask, I went to college.



LOOKS LIKE IT’S TIME FOR A LITTLE DADDY DAY CARE

Cheap excuse for me to post this Photoshop that took nearly minutes to make.




AW, HE GOT HER TOILET PAPER WITH SOME WORDS PRINTED ON IT!

“You shouldn’t have.”




“I WOULD LIYEEK TO CAWUHL THIS MEETINGUH TO OOWADER”

This seen sponsored by the various races seen on the bus in Speed. When the Fillmore head guy commented that an idea was “a little carnie,” for a brief moment I imagined a circus midget shilling for auto parts on television. For this, I am very upset.



MISS BLANKENSHIP?

Aww, isn’t that cute?? She’s napping.




MISS BLANKENSHIP??!?!?!?!





WHAT?




NO.

First of all, I would like to say that I CALLED THIS back on August 31, when I compared Miss Blankenship to our other favorite dead woman, the babysistter in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead:

AND NOW SHE IS DEAD. SHE’S DEAD. There is only one thing to say.


Indeed, the dishes are finally done, man.




STILL, IT’S BUSINESS AS USUAL

I’d even be OK with them leaving Ida’s corpse outside Don’s office for the rest of the season, just so she can be remembered.



WEEKEND AT BLANKENSHIPS

Oh, the hilarious high jinx this show is throwing to the wayside by getting rid of the body!!! Somewhere, Bernie Lomax and Ida are hilariously high fiving courtesy of our favorite life puppeteer, Jonathan Silverman. (Andrew McCarthy won’t return our calls.) Wave goodbye to the best part of the season, America.



MEANWHILE, ROGER AND JOAN GO ON A ROMANTIC STROLL





UNTIL THIS GUY SHOWS UP

Hey look! Mad Men has finally cast a black person! Wait a second… oh, he’s robbing them. Soo…. bye.



HOLD ON A MINUTE: THIS GUY LOOKS FAMILIAR

Willy Lopez? 303 Prospect Place Willy Lopez? That’s my neighborhood… I swear, my Ghost musical will one day become a reality.



JOAN IS RIGHTFULLY TERRIFIED…

So Roger pushes her into a dark alley to calm her down.




SADLY, IT TOOK A NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE TO REALIZE WHAT THEY REALLY WANTED… EACH OTHER





AND A QUICK EFF

Well, technically both their wedding bands were stolen. That was considered divorce in the 1960s, right?



SALLY HOMEMAKER

Isn’t that sweet! Sally made her Dad some french toast. And just the way he likes it!




THAT’S NOT MRS. BUTTERWORTH, THAT’S MR. RUMSFELD

Soaked in alcohol.




MISS BLANKENSHIP’S OBITUARY, REVEALED

Miss Blankenship had made the rounds at SCDP before her death, and it was up to her former lover Bert Cooper (they slept together, right?) to put together her obituary. Sadly, her one true love was too overcome with emotion to put anything together. Save for perhaps the most genius line of the episode.



TERRIFYING SALLY STILL BROUGHT TO YOU COURTESY OF HORRIBLE MOTHERING

Sally’s interoffice tantrum at the thought of going back to her mother was worth of a Baby Emmy Award, something we wish existed. She is out of control, and Don, her idol, has no idea how to handle it. So, he does what we all would have done:



TURNS TO A WOMAN HE BARELY KNOWS TO TRY AND TALK HER INTO HELPING

Which she does…




“HI, I’M YOUR NEW MOMMY! YOU CAN CALL ME DR. MOM. NOW IF YOU WOUDLN’T MIND FILLING OUT THIS QUICK SURVEY…”





SADLY, SALLY HAS A NEW “NO MORE BLOND BITCHES” POLICY





YOU KNOW WHAT THIS CALLS FOR?

The Supernanny. Maybe the one woman on Earth who could truly make a difference, if only because Don would never sleep with her.



SALLY TRIES TO ESCAPE HER HORRIBLE PARENTING ON FOOT





BUT FORGOT HER FACE HAD A 5 PM APPOINTMENT WITH THE FLOOR





REALLY, MEGHAN THE SECRETARY SHOULD JUST ADOPT THIS GIRL

We have a feeling that Meghan will be playing a much more important part on the show in the coming episodes. She’s basically the only normal person left.



THANKFULLY HER MOTHER, S1M0NE, IS THERE TO PICK HER UP





ALBEIT, IN FRONT OF A JUDGING COMMITTEE

Judge Judy would have Betty’s ass thrown into jail. And not Martha Stewart jail, either. Tossed salad jail.



AND SO, JOYCE GOES DOWN IN HER OWN LADY ELEVATOR





WHILE THESE THREE WOMEN LEAVE IN THEIR OWN CAR, ALL WITH ONE THING IN COMMON

They’ve got 99 problems, and a bitch ain’t one.

What did you guys think of the episode? Disagree with any of my above assessments? There’s a comments section, friends, get in there.

Follow Me On Twitter.

Follow BWE.tv On Twitter.

NFL WEEK 2 RECAP: O Brother Where Art Thine Good Teams?

Posted: 20 Sep 2010 04:08 PM PDT

As promised, here’s your NFL Week 2 Recap in the form of stupid pictures. Let’s break down this week’s games in incredible detail one-by-one, in no particular order:

Falcons 41, Cardinals 7

To be fair, this result would’ve been even more lopsided if actual falcons had battled actual cardinals. But Rufio was lovin’ it:

Jets 28, Patriots 14

The Jets silenced their critics for at least a day or two by scoring three unanswered touchdowns to beat the Patriots after a dominant second half:

Mark Sanchez also lamely attempted to re-create the iconic Joe Namath Super Bowl pose:

In this instance, the finger stands for “We’re One-And-One.”

Eagles 35, Lions 32

This one was a thriller, coming down to the final possession after a successful onside kick by the Lions, but the Eagles stopped them on downs to hold on for the win. Fox’s Chris Myers then narrowly avoided a Michael Vick interview faux pas:

Raiders 16, Rams 14

Not the most enthralling matchup of the week, except when these two players re-enacted my favorite position from the Where The Boys Aren’t film series:

Steelers 19, Titans 11

The Titans turned the ball over an absurd 7 times against the Steelers, which is not a recipe for success according to this book. Jeff Fisher’s sarcastic clapping throughout the entire game didn’t help morale:

Buccaneers 20, Panthers 7

The Bucs jumped out to an unexpected 2-0 start by toppling the Panthers, though QB Josh Freeman wasn’t too happy that he was stuck watching Bucs/Panthers:

Colts 38, Giants 14

Peyton trounced Eli in this year’s quadri-annual Manning Bowl, but Two-Face over here was gonna be happy no matter what happened:

Packers 34, Bills 7

Poor Buffalo. No visual joke here, none of the game photos were Safe For Work.

Bears 27, Cowboys 20

Yikes – the Cowboys were 7-point favorites but dropped their home opener against Chicago to start the year 0-2. Let’s start the betting — how many more patented “Bewildered Wade Phillips” Reaction Shots will we witness between now and his eventual firing?

I have my money on 3,500. Meaning he’ll be fired sometime in November.

Bengals 15, Ravens 10

Chad Ochocinco was held to just 44 yards receiving, but the Bengals pulled off an early-season must-win against Baltimore, allowing him to celebrate obligatorily:

Chiefs 16, Browns 14

Tight game, but I missed it. I’m pretty sure this photo’s from the right game:

Broncos 31, Seahawks 14

Denver notched their first win after holding the visiting Seahawks scoreless the entire first half. Seattle Offensive Coordinator Jeremy Bates used up his entire play chart, to no avail:

Chargers 38, Jaguars 13

San Diego emphatically pulled to 1-1 with a blowout win over Jacksonville. Fullback Mike Tolbert ran for two TDs and debuted his newly-perfected “I Am Constipated For A Super Bowl” celebration move:

Texans 30, Redskins 27 (OT)

When this game was 27-10 Washington, I yelled at the tickerbar “I told you this Texans bandwagon is ridiculous, it happens every year and they always blow it,” and then they came back to win in overtime, thus puncturing my “Texans bandwagon is ridiculous” bandwagon, at least for the time being. Mike Shanahan was pissed:

Dolphins 14, Vikings 10

Last but not least, here’s Brett Favre side-by-side with 34-year-old Springfield Heights 90210 star Kyle Darren:

First “Favre is old” joke on the internet? Yaaaay!!! I am literally Neil Armstrong.

NFL Week 2 Reactions? Excitement? Anger? Apathy? Humor? Humour? Comment away.

OK Go Trades Treadmills for Genius Dogs in Latest Viral Music Video

Posted: 20 Sep 2010 01:30 PM PDT

Viral video wunderkinds and music makers OK Go have given themselves quite the task: Each new music video they put forth must somehow surpass their last. It all began years ago with that famous treadmills vid, recently trumped by their gigantic and most impressive rube goldberg experiment.

The one thing both of these videos were missing? ADORABLY TRAINED DOGS. Meet their latest music video for their song “White Knuckles.” It is the most brilliant example of genius dogs at work that we have ever seen, including but not limited to the golden retriever high five. Check it out, and then send your own dog to Harvard to make it half as brilliant.

(via my pal Becca Lehrer)

Oddly Fascinating: Katy Perry On Sesame Street

Posted: 20 Sep 2010 12:06 PM PDT

“What if Katy Perry changed the lyrics to Hot and Cold and then sang it as a duet with Elmo from Sesame Street?” – The opposite of our collective subconscious

I have no idea how you will react to this on a visceral level, but I can promise you this, you’re going to feel something.  This is Katy Perry’s appearance on Sesame Street.  And wow.  I don’t know what to do with the rest of my life now.  I’m having every emotion I’ve ever had all at the same time.  I think I’m hungry-upset-nauseous-happy.  Is this real?  I might accidentally be live-blogging a night terror.

Thanks, @annfriedman.

Hottest Fashion Trend This Fall: Scorpion From Mortal Kombat

Posted: 20 Sep 2010 11:05 AM PDT

Here’s a model walking the runway at Cibeles Madrid Fashion Week today:

Outfit look familiar? Some of you may recognize it from this concept sketch:

Oh Scorpion, you ol’ trendsetter. They took a few liberties with the color and the shoulders, but it’s nice to see high fashion finally catching up with 90s fighting games; I predict King’s outfit from Tekken will be all the rage in 2012.

After the jump, the elegant female dress equivalent of the Scorpion outfit, as part of the “Get Over Here…For Ladies” Line:

Cool Totally Subtle Hitler Reference, Huffington Post!

Posted: 20 Sep 2010 11:01 AM PDT

These guys at the Huffington Post!  It’s sort of hard to criticize the Huffington Post for this kind of thing because they do not claim to be an unbiased news source.  So when they do something shamelessly liberal-snarky, you just have to say, “Yup!  Fair enough.”  (I say this acknowledging that I, myself, am a liberal-snarky person).  It’s like when the New York Post runs a front page picture of someone who just lost an election along with the headline, “LOSER!” You can’t bash them for it.  “We have literally never pretended we are adults.”  That is the the New York Post’s motto.

With all that being said and fully accounted for, this picture of Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense under Bush, is such an on-the-nose Nazi allusion that it absolutely cracked me up.

Sorry, Donald.  You just got Hitler’d.  You have to be more careful about your heil zieging.

As always, thank you, Arianna Huffington.

How I Pictured Martin Scorsese Directing “Boardwalk Empire”

Posted: 20 Sep 2010 10:23 AM PDT

Did you guys catch HBO’s old timey answer to The Sopranos last night? Boardwalk Empire chronicles the story of Atlantic City during the Prohibition Era, and stars the world’s favorite character actor Steve Buscemi as political bigwig Enoch “Nucky” Johnson, also our favorite name ever created.

But perhaps the most exciting aspect of this new addictive series, apart from the old timey collars and old timey prostitutes, is the old timey facial hair. And what added to our enjoyment of this already great show was picturing what Martin Scorsese probably looked like while directing it:

Cozy.

Let’s All Get Ready For Brian Williams’ Tweets

Posted: 20 Sep 2010 09:39 AM PDT

NBC News’s Brian Williams just got a verified Twitter account.  Guys, this is going to be great!  Brian Williams is the funniest person in the family of NBC News personalities.  The only person who can rival him is Chris Matthews.

Chriiiiiiiiis!  HA!  But this isn’t about Chris Matthews.  This is about Brian Williams.  And his verified Twitter which, as of yet, has no posts.

So now we wait.  And we wonder.  Will his Twitter be used for serious updates, or will he be silly?  I will stay on top of this for you and let you know when he starts tweeting.  …You’re welcome.
Brought to you by: at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)